A Quiet book review

It's our work Christmas party today. For an introvert, it can be an anxious time. I've always known I'm an introvert, I just didn't know the term when I was younger. It's generally not good to have a label, but for me it helps me understand myself. I've been able to create a what-I-call pretence to seem more outgoing than I am; from first impressions, I come across as friendly, warm and talkative, but socialising is very tiring for me. I need something to focus on, an activity or purpose behind socialising, rather than just meeting up with people to chat, even when it comes to friends. That's why I love quizzes or any competitive activity. I believe you find out more about people by doing things with them than talking to them anyway.

My spirit animal

I'm on my work's social committee, so I helped organise our Christmas party. It's a benefit on the night, largely. However I have to stay to the end to help clear up, which means I can't escape if I need to. I'm going to have to have temporary escapes during the 8 hours from set-up to finish, so I'm doing the equivalent of 2 days of work in one day! I've also helped organise lots of other events, most I didn't go to! It does seem a tad contradictory to be on the social committee and also be basically a hermit. I prefer small groups of people to large parties and 1-2-1s. It takes the pressure off. But even after a simple night out, I find myself exhausted and mentally drained. I need time to recover on my own, or doing something alone.

Reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain, I now know why. I came to the book late, but when I started reading, I had to take notes as I was recognising so much. So here is my personal reaction to the book. There are labels other than introversion, high reactive, highly sensitive. One of the classic features of introversion is preferring to observe, listen rather than talk, which obviously can make us introverts compassionate. Empathy is a key part of my social personality, it's probably why I get exhausted when I'm with others. Empathy doesn't just mean understanding others, it goes beyond that to feeling the feelings of others: think of the empath Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation. It leads me to being a caring and compassionate person yes, but also gives me intense feelings of guilt, shame and regret. Emotions are difficult, introverts feel more, think more, love more: music, art, nature. Things can become too heavy, to quote Marty McFly.

I recognise this pose, classic defensive posture

There are physical aspects to introversion too, it's not all in your head. Thin skin means you're warmer, you sweat more easily, it's why I'm inherently uncool! I'm sensitive, not just to words and feelings, but also all the senses: sound, touch, taste, sights and smells. We get overwhelmed easily so we can't deal with stimulating, busy environments. Excessive stimulation leads to my key problem: anxiety. Introverts are threat oriented after all. Too much stimulation leads to stress and illness. Overarousal means we can't think straight, but it also means we're better than extroverts when we're tired. We need to find optimal stimulation, a sweet spot. It means no coffee, pain and illness are problematic.

Introverts' brains are highly connected, neurofeedback showed me that. I'm reflective, I think a lot of course, but I also don't give up easily as I come up with every permutation; I live in a world of possibilities, even the most unlikely ones. We don't like small talk, it pains us as it seems like a waste of time, we like to talk about deep things, deep talk. It also means I'm open and receptive to ideas. I learn from my mistakes, mainly because I dwell on them, still think about them even years afterwards. I ask questions, mainly to deal with the uncertainty, trying to get some firm footing. I have a strong conscience which means I'm highly principled and value value above all else; I have to have meaning and purpose.

A clear one for me is that introverts express ourselves better in writing than conversation, that's why we love social media and blogging so much. Solitude is key to creativity; we need our own space to work and to relax at home, a place to escape: a restorative niche, physical or temporal. It means around others, we appear inhibited. We need time to prepare, forewarning. Social fear can mean we conform to ensure we fit in and people like us, even when we know that it's wrong. We can experience a fear response to anything new.

When I socialise, or come out of my hermitage, I need alone time to recharge afterwards. We may wilt more easily, but we're also quick to flourish; we may not like change, but we're adaptable. Being watched, like when I'm teaching, presenting or making a speech can make introverts feel like we're being hunted, it's primal. Because of the world we live in, societal rules, we become good at pretending. But we're less interested in role playing, being someone we're not. We have an internal compass, we need passion projects. We need something we gravitate towards, you need to get us interested in our work. We have to make a deal with ourselves to go out, do something we don't want to do. It's emotional labour and too much leads to burnout. Suppressing our emotions, negative or positive can lead to a negative outlook. We operate on two levels: overwhelmed or detached. We find an inbetween difficult. It's why we avoid conflict where extroverts thrive on it.

Key takeaways: find your centre, it's quality not quantity of friendships, find work you love and work that matters, solve problems, make art, think deeply, contribute to the world, don't feel guilty about taking "me time" or crossing the street to avoid an acquaintance, spend your free time doing what you want and not what you're told, make deals to force yourself to socialise, delight in the originality of your mind, take pride in your conscience and loyalty, solve problems alone and then join together, be authentic to conserve energy and health, cultivate your inner landscape and deploy the powers of the quiet.

It seems I will do anything to avoid writing my book. However writing this book review has helped me understand why I'm a writer, why I love books so much and why I am who I am. I've used the word we a lot, which shows how much this book has meant to me. So hopefully it will give me the impetus to write my book, especially as this quote at the end of the book seems really apt: "Quit your job as a TV anchor and get a degree in library science."

The Quiet website

NB: Quiet has an amazing accompanying website, which includes a introvert-extrovert test you can take. The Wikipedia page is also very detailed. Susan Cain has done a TED talk and she has also turned the book into one for younger people.

Oh and finally, my name in print! Here's a photo of that work project which happened this week:

Writer's block

I wrote a poem on my cycle to work:

On Autumn days when my breath masks the crisp blue sky
On Autumn days when the leaves colour the cold hard ground
On Autumn days when the frost nips the edges of everything

On Autumn days when Summer loses its battle to survive
These are the days when I feel most alive

I don't get writer's block. Well, not the block where I can't think what to write, just sitting staring at the blank page. Once I have a pen and paper in front of me, you can't stop me. So much so I've missed meals, alarms and bedtime. But I do get writer's block in that I don't even have a blank page in front of me to be afraid of. I don't get that far. Incidentally, the fear of the blank page is Vacansopapurosophobia. Don't ask me how to pronounce it.

Anyway, I don't have a blank page as I've already written parts of my book: I have the title, the characters, the plot, the chapters and the first paragraph. So I'm not even scared of the blank page. I'm scared of something far bigger than that, something that goes far deeper, something so profoundly terrifying I can't even sit down to write. I've always identified as a writer and longed to be published, I've always found it easy to write and I've always had ideas on what I want to write about. But now I'm actually on my way to being a writer, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm being pummelled by what if's. What if I'm not as good as I think I am? What if my idea is rubbish? What if my years of not writing have dried up my writing abilities?

Something that has helped is that writing project I've mentioned. My piece has been accepted and I'm now a paid writer! I just have to wait and see what they do with my work. I'm determined to get this book written and I will bring myself to get started... soon.

Writing process

I am writing in stolen moments, the moments where you can't do anything else, between TV programmes, between chores and between family visits. I find then and only then can I focus on the task at hand. I have a butterfly mind, I'm easily distracted, so my process is to have nothing that could stray my attention, that's another reason why I write with pen and paper as a computer offers too many distractions. I can't write while listening to music, not even within earshot of the television and when everything that I need to get done is done.

As for the writing project here at work, that is going apace. I always work better to a deadline, not a deadline I set myself as that is obviously flexible, but those set by others. I hate what I've written so far, but I know that there is something there to work with.

So maybe I should set myself a deadline for the book and then I may actually get down to writing it!

In the meantime, another piece of my writing has been published on the Anxiety UK website: https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/blog/managing-anxiety-therapy-guest-blog/

I am writing!

Honest! But it's going slowly. I don't know why that is. If I have to write for work, for academic purposes or for extracurricular activities, I'm fine. But for creative writing, I procrastinate. Again, I don't know whether it's a self-esteem thing; I have a tendency to just avoid things if they're scary or push people away if it becomes difficult and I'm not forced to do things or if they're not persistent. It's a defence mechanism. I'm finally doing something that I've always been told I'm good at and have been good at in the past. It is scary because, what if I find out I'm not as good as I think? Anyway, I'm all determined to get down to writing and then suddenly I get the urge to do something, anything else but write, even clean... It's not even fear of the blank page as I've got stuff to work from.

However I'm taking part in something that may change all that. I recently attended a creative writing workshop for a project at work, but it's not for work as such. I can't say too much as it's all under wraps and nothing's certain yet, but I was a bit of a teacher's pet, which I usually don't like as I tend to be quite rebellious. But it gave me confidence when they said my work was brilliant and I really understood what they were getting at. It reminds me of a similar workshop I took part in at the Fitzwilliam Museum when they had the excellent Treasured Possessions exhibition; we wrote a poem, story or something creative based on one of the exhibits. I got carried away as I always do and my poem is still up on the Fitzwilliam website: http://www.fitzmuseum.cam.ac.uk/gallery/treasuredpossessions/discover/writingworkshop.html

I never make things easy for myself as I've chosen to start writing during the first week of our early-morning before work sessions for students, the week of my nephew's fifth birthday and the week I have the writing workshop. Sometimes that helps though, busyness breeds busyness. I'm also a contrary kind of person and the more something becomes difficult, the more I want to do it. I've always thought I'm a walking contradiction.

My writing methods are very traditional. I find I can't write creatively on a computer. So, at least initially, I use a pen and paper and type it up afterwards; computers are brilliant editing tools. One of my colleagues recently told me about a great innovation in pens: the Pilot Frixion pen which you can rub out. It won't rub it out entirely, but it means you can write over what was there. Plus it comes in a range of colours, including my preferred colour purple. It's not just because purple is my favourite colour; black is too harsh, blue is not authoritative enough and purple is the colour of creativity, imagination and royalty.

Anyway, here's a sample of what I've already done, 'tis a silly poem I wrote years ago and have extended recently:

In Love

I am in love with my bed

I know this is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not just a little bit

I don’t want to leave it for school in the morning

Reading on my warm pillow while I’m still yawning

And I can’t wait to go to bed at night

Reading late, though it isn’t right

I could play in it all day

Creating forts, keeping enemies at bay

Hiding under the covers

Escaping from tiresome angry mothers

When I’m sitting in lessons

Especially those early morning sessions

Double maths, ick!

I wish I were in it

I cannot quit loving it

It’s so warm and cosy

I’m safe and really dozy

In it come lovely dreams

Of animals, books, forests and streams

I wish I was there now

But I’m not allowed

Ah well, it’ll be there tonight

And when the sun makes it light

I am in love with my bed

I know, this is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not just a little bit

It’s the first thing I think of in the morning

When the sun is yawning

And the last thing I think of at night

Although it isn’t right

I think about it all day

Wishing I hadn’t gone away

I have an inexplicable attraction to my bed

And I think that’s enough said

Although when I’m sitting in lessons

Especially those early morning sessions

I wish I were with it

I cannot quit

Loving it

I love to be in it, warm and cosy

And safe, incredibly dozy

In it come lovely dreams

Of people, animals, books and what God deems

I wish I were there now

That is a solemn vow

Ah well, it’ll be there tonight

And when the sun makes it light

I am in love with my bed

I know, this is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not just a little bit

It’s the first thing I think of when I awake

Because every thing else in this world seems fake

And the last thing I think of at night

When I cry over my daily fight

I think about it all day

Wishing I hadn’t gone away

It’s the only place I can be me

And shut out all I don’t want to see

When I am sitting, alone in the crowd

Waiting to make the people I love proud

I wish I were just at home in bed

And I think that’s enough said

And yet, it’s no longer warm, safe and cosy

It’s scary, being impossibly dozy

After a long dark night of disturbing nightmares

Sleeping with the light on; I have many cares

Still, I wish I were there now

To sleep, though I don’t know how

Ah well, it’ll be there tonight

And when the sun makes it light

I am in love with my bed

I know this is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not just a little bit

In the morning, when I’m awake

I love it for someone else’s sake

It’s where you are nearest

Lying next to me, my own dearest

At night, we can talk the dark away

Keeping bad thoughts and demons at bay

Then there is no place for words, just

Touch and taste and love and lust

When I’m sitting at my desk all day

I wish I hadn’t gone away

Thinking of it, brings a blush to my face

My heart thumping as if it’s in a race

I cannot quit, loving it

I love to be in it, safe and cosy in your arms

Skin to skin, incredibly dozy, warmed by your charms

With you I have lovely dreams

Of the future, whatever God deems

I wish I was there now

So I can be with you, even if it’s to row

Ah well, you’ll be there tonight

And when the sun brings morning delight

I am in love with my bed

I know that is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not just a little bit

It’s the first thing I think of in the morning

Waiting for the sun to begin yawning

And the last thing of at night

Although it isn’t right

I struggle to leave at the start of the day

The second I do, I wish I hadn’t gone away

I have an inexplicable attraction to my bed

And I think that’s enough said

When I’m sitting at my desk at work

I find myself thinking of it with a jerk

I wish I were with it

I cannot quit, loving it

It’s where I go to escape, in a book

In dreams; it’s my safe, cosy and warm nook

I leave loneliness behind, even when I cannot sleep

Forgetting my cares, even when all I want to do is weep

I wish I were there now

That is a solemn vow

Ah well, it’ll be there tonight

And when I see the sun make it light

I am in love with my bed

I know this is a weird thing to have said

But I am in love with it

And not even a little bit

It’s the first thing I think of in the morning

Just as the sun is dawning

And the last thing I think of at night

Going to sleep, at nine, alright?

I think about it all day

Even when I’ve not gone away

Sitting reading, remembering in my bed

And I think that’s enough said

When I’m sitting, surrounded by nostalgia, thinking

How this is where I played as a child, sinking

Under the covers as a teen, hiding from the world

As a young adult, and then with lovers, toes curled

Lastly, I love to be in bed, warm and cosy

And safe, incredibly dozy

While my grandchildren sit beside me

Playing, chattering or reading on my knee

I wish I was there now

That is a quiet vow

Ah well, it’ll be there tonight

And if I see the sun make it light

I’m in love with my bed

I know this is a weird thing to have said

But I’m proud of it

And not just a little bit

I am a writer!

So, I have a cunning plan. I have had an idea for a story in my head for more than half my lifetime now. It's been percolating over the years, starting with the premise of how the power of one girl's imagination both enhances and ruins her life. Then it brought in mental illness, which was only natural as it makes sense with the imagination aspect and it's what was going on in my life at the time. Finally, I brought in Greek mythology, specifically the nature of fate, which has lead me to come up with a series of books on other Greek mythological figures. Talk about getting ahead of myself! I have the chapters named and outlined, the characters all drawn out, the plotline and some chapters written. I even have a Spotify playlist! So all I have to do now is write it.

I don't know why it's taken me this long, apart from a combination of time, energy and self-esteem. No matter how many times I tell myself that I should never compare my work with others, that it's not that they are better, they just have a different point of view, my lack of confidence always gets in the way. Creativity isn't a competition and everyone's perspective is valid and one of my brothers drunkenly told me he once thought I shouldn't bother being a writer as how could I come up with something new, but now he thinks I have something to say, which I was moved by more than I should.

I've always known I'm a writer, from my love of books and stories; I will thank my parents forever for teaching me to read before I started school, so throughout my primary school years, my reading age was double my actual age, so much so one of my teachers compared me to Matilda, I even looked like her; when I got a commendation for a story I wrote when I was about 7; when I got a letter from the headmaster praising my A-Level work (even school and university couldn't ruin my love of creative writing); when I just had to write, to get words down; when I was getting inspiration from anywhere; when I was writing as therapy; when I was writing as easily as breathing.

Then the anxiety and panic attacks struck. I tried to write, to get my emotions and thoughts down, but I was barely eating and couldn't sleep properly, so I didn't have the energy and what energy I had was concentrated on not failing my A-Levels, trying to maintain friendships and just getting through the day. The myth of the tortured artist producing their best work is a fallacy. That is unless you don't succumb to it. Illness turns you inwards, so what work you do create is incredibly self-centred, which can be amazing and insightful, but it's not a writer's best work. You don't get inspiration from the world; your life is closed off, insular and your vision is through a tunnel of your own making. So I stopped writing. I did start again when I did my university undergrad degree, but it wasn't the same. However I am a writer at heart and I'm in the best place I've ever been with my anxiety. Inspiration has started to win through again. I can't think about all those wasted years, just now I want to, and am able to, achieve my dream of being a writer.

Right, on to my cunning plan. If I blog about how my writing is going every week, it will force me to do something. So expect a weekly blog from me, hopefully I will actually have written something by this time next week!

Cognitive recalibration: A superhero you can believe in

I believe in superheroes! I can finally say it. I love superhero films and have watched almost all of them, even Mystery Men and the less said about that film the better. However I have never had that suspension of disbelief where I truly believed in the performance, except for maybe Christopher Reeve in Superman, but I was a kid then so it doesn’t count, especially as I was a kid with an overactive imagination. That's all I'm saying about the Superman incarnations by the way and I'm not going to even mention Fantastic Four, though Chris Evans was the only good thing in it.

Tom Holland as Peter Parker/Spider-Man

That is until now. Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Homecoming... I don't know, it was like he was born to play the part. His dancing background playing Billy Elliot on the stage, which means he can sing as well as dance and act, making him a triple threat, certainly helps. His part in The Impossible was challenging to say the least and his is the character that stays with you long after the film is finished, such is the strength of his performance, not Naomi Watts, not Ewan McGregor and not even the tsunami. That performance was so realistic and he's done the same with Peter Parker, he simply is him. He makes you truly believe in him, not only as the teenage superhero, finally a real looking and acting teenager, but that it could be possible he could do those amazing feats. You didn't have just a montage of him figuring out his powers, the entire film covered that. He didn't have it all figured out and do everything right, in fact he pretty much screwed up the entire film too. He was a dork but a standard dork and not in a cutesy slapstick way. He was smart but not prenaturally intelligent. He was flawed in a very human sense, not a superhuman. What I'm trying to say is, he was wholly relatable, not a mass of characteristics, which made the film the most enjoyable out of all the superhero films. It helped that it was so playful, playing with the superhero tropes, with the comic references and a few in-jokes. Also, the villain had a proper arc and you understand why he became the super villain, not just for revenge or because he is simply evil.

Now, I can hear you say, what about Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield? Fine actors to be sure, but they were too old certainly (adults playing teenagers, it's never believable, just look at Grease), too sure of themselves (Spider-Man is constantly trying to find himself, he is a teenager after all) and too cool to truly play the part; as much as they tried to be geeks and Andrew Garfield particularly got the awkward dorkiness, they never overcame their inner coolness.

The MCU

Now, you’re interjecting with other superheroes. So here’s a rundown of the best; The Incredibles wins it hands down, but cannot be included as it's a cartoon. I love all these performances by the way, but they never make me believe in them as a superhero and I have a very vivid imagination! NB: I'm classing a superhero as someone who has super powers, rather than someone with a load of gadgets and is highly trained, like Danger Mouse. Batman for example being the exception that proves the rule of course.

Wonder Woman, I had to start with her and I hope she's the first of many and because she's the first, she's the superheroine who will spawn better films, but Gal Gadot being both beautiful and powerful; she trained in the Israeli military; she looked the part, but never quite got beyond the surface acting-wise, they just plonked her in situations and set-pieces and let them do the talking.

Hugh Jackman made Wolverine his own, which is amazing and he's by far the best thing about any of the X-Men films, but he isn’t Wolverine as he can't quite portray his berserker rage among other things.

Avengers gif.

Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth certainly look like Captain America and Thor and are great actors, but that’s it. They are icons, idols, figureheads, they represent abstract concepts so you never see the person underneath, but we may do in future films.

Tom Hiddleston embodies Loki and relishes the part, but you can see his joy underneath which is wonderful, but all too knowing.

Mark Ruffalo makes for an interesting Bruce Banner/Hulk and I’d love to see him in a standalone film, but the casting is too leftfield, which I adore, to be convincing.

Patrick Stewart was inspired casting for Professor X; he has the looks obviously, but also the gravitas, sly humour and air of authority. however he’s an actor’s actor, you can see his process. Same goes for Ian McKellen as Magneto.

Guardians of the Galaxy, what can I say. The most fun of the superhero movies as they accept their super powers completely, wholeheartedly enjoy them and in the case of Peter, SPOILER lets them go with a shrug. They don't hide their comic book credentials, they wear them with pride!

And finally the exceptions:

Tony Stark/Iron Man is Robert Downey Jr., not the other way round. Period.

Batman. No one has ever quite played Bruce Wayne and Batman and made both parts cohere; they were better at either one or the other, or average at both, sorry Adam West. Though Will Arnett as Lego Batman comes close!

LEGO Batman

Paul Rudd is perfect for Ant-Man, but that part was never going to be credible, especially as they’ve skewed it to comedy.

Honourable mentions go to:

Jessica Jones

Chronicle, which I haven't seen yet but looks brilliantly different, Black Panther which looking at the trailer is going to be amazing, Doctor Strange who Cumberbatch plays as an amalgam of Sherlock and Khan, the Disney (not Marvel Disney) movie Sky High, the deconstruction of the superhero movie Unbreakable, the "I don't give a damn" superhero movies Deadpool and Hancock, and the TV superheroes: Buffy the Vampire Slayer a superhero in all but name; all of the Misfits, if you've never seen it, watch it, it's... indescribable, incredibly raw and inconceivably crude; Heroes (the first season for Hiro, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Claire and Isaac and Heroes Reborn which is something in itself); the inhumans in Agents of SHIELD, but the humans are better characters; Jessica Jones, the fantastic Krysten Ritter from Veronica Mars ably supported by David Tennant who you will never see in the same way again; Mike Colter in Luke Cage who could have been transported off the page, but hasn't got the acting range; Charlie Cox in Daredevil who erases that much maligned film from your mind; can't wait for The Defenders, which combines all three, plus *mutter* The Iron Fist; Dan Stevens in Legion, a bizarre series you just have to watch as it has to be seen to be believed; Stephen Amell in Arrow who is a great role model; another too cool geek Grant Gustin in The Flash; Melissa Benoist in Supergirl who is adorkable; all of The Legends of Tomorrow but especially Wentworth Miller; and The Tick, both cartoon and live action. I love you all and despite the extra time you have to play your superheroes, there's something about watching you every week in my living room which makes it too intimate; you can see everything they're thinking and feeling, making you believe in them less over time conversely rather than more, but by then, they're already in your heart.

Marvel's The Defenders

Or is it just me?

P. S. Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference in the title.

13 Reasons Why...

...I have to talk about 13 Reasons Why. I hate to add to the clamour around this TV series, but I have some very personal reasons why I want to talk about it.

In case you haven't heard of it, which you may not have as it's on Netflix, it's about schoolgirl Hannah who has committed suicide, but she created a series of tapes detailing the 13 reasons why she did it. Those tapes are given to the people in chronological order who contributed to those reasons and then passed on to the next person.

What I should have said

The best fiction holds a mirror up to your own life and some parts were a little too close for comfort, but ultimately in a good way. While I didn't go through exactly what Hannah went through, some of the earlier reasons; they get increasingly more dramatic; are only slight variations on what happened to me at school. Like Hannah, I was bullied. It started with a person I trusted who turned against me, just like Hannah. Like her I was alienated and through one person bullying me, it spread. All it takes is one person to start as it permits others to do the same. I was bullied for 6 years, non-stop. One constant bully and several others along the way, usually name-calling, taking my stuff, blocking my path, goading and teasing. The usual, for girls anyway. It only once turned physical, but I backed down. I should have done more to stand up for myself, sure. But when it's every day and seemingly anyone, it has a way of grinding you down; which is what happens to Hannah at the end; she is defeated.

What could have been

So here are my 13 reasons why I am talking about 13 Reasons Why, if you haven't seen it yet, I've avoided any spoilers:

1. It has got everyone talking about mental health and teenage suicide, which can only be a good thing as it is an increasing issue.
2. However one of those conversations is about the controversial decision to show the suicide. There are trigger warnings, a bit like the warnings given before footage which contain flashing lights, but for people with mental health problems, not epileptics. I know why they showed it as they wanted to portray the full story and be emotionally honest. My opinion on this has changed since, after I finished the series, I saw the latest Supernatural episode which showed someone trying to kill herself in the exact same way as Hannah and I doubt there were any trigger warnings, at least 13 Reasons Why did it responsibly.

   

   An excuse to show the stars of Supernatural, I still love you

3. I believe that if the series were shown in schools, it could change things. In the wake of Hannah's suicide, the school and parents were talking about warning signs, how to identify if someone is struggling. We need to be more aware as this is a problem that's only getting worse.
4. It could also change attitudes. Hannah's suicide was not about one thing, it rarely is; it was a series of 13 things. Some of the reasons seem insignificant, but it all builds up. It will hopefully make people realise by calling someone names, by spreading rumours, by physically attacking someone, it can have a significant effect, whether you intended it to or not. It may make people kinder. I confronted my bully years later over Facebook and she said she didn't realise that what she was doing was having such an impact on me, despite my parents reporting her to the school, but anyway. Plus she even bullied my Mum, a 10-year old bullying an adult! Many of the reasons Hannah details are instances of bullying. However bullying isn't just about the people involved, the bullies and the victims, it is also about the people who stand by and do nothing. One of the biggest themes of 13 Reasons Why is it not just about what people do to Hannah, it's about what people don't do.

   

   Rumours spreading

5. Communication is key. Many of the scenes are heartbreaking and frustrating and excruciating as it really gets inside the characters' heads. You know exactly what the characters aren't saying, start to say and stop. Meanwhile you're screaming at the screen "just say it!"

   

   Exactly

6. 13 Reasons Why is all about the characters. Some of them are superb and complex like Tony who is an unhelpful Yoda, Clay the lovely character we follow, Justin who seems like the stereotypical jock who is anything but, Jessica the least typical screen cheerleader you could ever meet and seemingly sweet Zach who appears to be the breakout actor of the series. Thanks to these characters, the programme isn't only about suicide and bullying, it's about addiction, alienation, sexual assault, alcoholism, peer pressure, family dysfunction and self harm.

   

   Tony with his beloved car

7. However some of the characters are stereotypes: the arrogant creative Ryan, the nerdy bitter Tyler, the entitled rich kid Bryce, the tormented goth Skye and the determined future and reputation-obsessed Courtney and Marcus.
8. The character of Hannah is extremely familiar to me. When I saw her handwriting and her brief foray into creative writing, it was almost identical to mine at her age. I think she is one of the main reasons why this show has made such an impression; you identify with her so strongly. But we only get to know her through the tapes and flashbacks.
9. The cinematography and the way they interweave the storylines are extremely effective; merging the past and present together on screen was incredibly poignant. However the soundtrack is the best thing; the music choices, it's... well it has to be heard in context. If I listed the songs and you listened to them, they wouldn't have the same impact.

   

   Music is integral

10. It has made me realise how well I coped through it all. It was only when the bullying stopped that my anxiety started! It took me a while to work out why, but when I looked at the differences between my life and Hannah's, there are 3 reasons why what happened to her wouldn't have happened to me, if it had escalated, if it had got worse. The first is family. Hannah is an only child and her parents are well-meaning and they clearly love her, but their attention is elsewhere. I have 3 brothers and my parents always put us kids first and as soon as they realised what was happening to me, they did something. It worked, for a while, and then she started up again; schools can be useless when it comes to bullying, but I will not accept that it's just part of school life.

    

    We should all have friends like Tony

11. The second is friends, or at least a friend. I had one friend who stuck by me, when the first bully turned everyone else against me. Hannah had no one at the end; the friends she had made deserted her. There was one person who could have been a proper friend, but he was inaffectual. One of my bullies apologised, years later of course, and if he didn't become a friend, he at least gave me a lollipop as a peace offering, while he was drunk and at a nightclub.
12. The last is interests. Hannah isn't sporty or academic and when she tries to have outside interests, they come to nothing. I had my books. I loved to learn. I had things I was doing outside school. Because all Hannah had was school and home and work, nothing that gave her any real enjoyment, the things that happened to her became everything.

    

    Technology makes it easy

13. Hannah's story takes place now. When I was bullied, it happened before the age of social media, mobile phones and the internet. Mobile phones in particular play an integral part in Hannah's downfall. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had to go through what I went through now. The teasing and name-calling wouldn't have just happened in the playground, in the classroom and on my way home, it would have come by text message and on social media. Photos would have been taken and shared around. Rumours would have been spread almost instantly. There would have been no escape; I had safe places like the library at school and my home, but now, there is nowhere safe.

The tapes

Like Clay, who added a 14th tape, a final reason or at least an expansion on one of the reasons, I'm adding one final reason why 13 Reasons Why is important to me and that's because it has finally allowed me to let go of it all; it helped me work through it. I had inklings as to the reasons why the people who bullied me did it; troubles at home like Justin who's bullied himself; loneliness like Bryce; just trying to fit in like Jessica; fear like Courtney; and ambition like Ryan. But I now understand better the culture that allows bullying to happen, why people turn away when they can help, why they do nothing instead of something. One of my favourite quotes has been doing the rounds recently because of the political landscape right now and it seems apt here too: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke. Don't be the person who does nothing.

You said it Clay