You should be happy on your birthday, that's what everyone tells you, it's what the cards tell you in any case. Just like you should be merry at Christmas. It's true, there is more opportunity to be happy when it's your birthday, with the presents, food, family and friends. But all the reasons why are designed to make me anxious; the expectation when you unwrap a gift, enforced activities and being the centre of attention are too much pressure. There's also the food. I have an uneasy relationship with food; I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and I am a picky eater, which makes menu decisions a lot easier! Luckily, this year, we had a takeaway at home as a treat, instead of going to a restaurant.
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| My favourite Beatrix Potter character in figurine form |
No, birthdays are bittersweet. You think about who's not there to share it with you. My birthday is the same as my Dad's Mum who I don't remember, because I haven't seen her since I was one, her choice; she died relatively recently. My Mum's Mum, my beloved Granny, used to give me a Beatrix Potter figure every birthday. My family have continued the tradition. So I always think of those two ladies on my birthday every year. You think about birthdays past and what you've done in the last year, similar to New Year's. Obviously, you're happy you've made it through one more year in this world, but what have you done with it? Last year, I ticked something off my bucket list, visiting the Bronte's home: Haworth Parsonage. But I'm struggling to think of anything else of note since.
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| Haworth Parsonage |
My nature is not inclined towards contentment. I'm always comparing myself to others, with myself. Contentment is lasting, happiness is momentary. For my birthday this year, it has been about living vicariously through others. I spent the actual day with my niece, taking her over the park and happiness was in witnessing hers, when she said "weeeeee" every time she went down the slide, somehow saying it differently each time. Happiness was in seeing how much she's developed since last I saw her. And happiness was in her sitting on my lap as I read her one of my favourite books at her age and her listening attentively. Children have a way of teaching you to live in the moment, just for a moment.
The next day, I watched a long-awaited film at the cinema, the third best escape after the ultimate reading a book and the second best watching a favourite TV series. It's been 19 films coming and I knew it would be bittersweet.
Inside Out taught me that the brightest happiness comes hand-in-hand with sadness.
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| Me ready for the cinema: Loki dress, (Guardians of the) Galaxy leggings and Hulk socks |
On the last day of my birthday long weekend, on the bank holiday, we carried on a growing tradition over the past few years of visiting a bluebell wood for my birthday. Bluebells are my favourite flower and they come out around my birthday, so it's perfect timing. Last year, it was Fountains Abbey. The first year, it was Waresley Wood. This year's wood wasn't the best, but it was where it hit me, why I love bluebells so much. It's not because bluebells, true English bluebells, not the Spanish literal usurpers, are actually purple; all blue flowers are actually purple to my eyes. It's not because they're melancholy, they way they hang down, unlike the Spanish whose bells are better balanced on either side. It's because they require solidity, security and stability; they only grow in older established woodland amidst long-lasting potentially ancient trees. I empathise with them as in order to grow, develop and bloom, I also need time, safety and strong foundations. I'm a real tree-hugger as it's a great way to feel grounded, essential for anyone with anxiety issues. Happiness for me is being part of nature. I like to feel something that was there before me and will be there after me. That's a good thing to remember on a birthday.
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| Bluebells |
