35 fictional boyfriends

It's my birthday and I'm 35. So I've written a special blog post for the occasion. My great loves in my life have always been from books, TV programmes and films. This has meant I have had many fictional boyfriends in my lifetime.

Fictional boyfriends have allowed me to get close to men when, in real life, my anxiety hasn't let me get close to anyone as my fight or flight kicks in for some reason; you can't run away from fictional boyfriends, throw up in front of them or simply not try due to literally paralysing fear. They have also given me the opportunity to date them when I watch them on TV, on the big screen or read about them. You can give up on them, but, true story, apart from panic attacks, I have never left the cinema, not seen a TV series to its end or not finished a book. To be perfectly honest, fictional boyfriends may be the reason I have never had a boyfriend; no one can live up to them!

So, if you know anyone who complements my anxiety-prone nature, who is witty, laidback and patient, loves books, TV and films; he'll have to be able to get all my references; has a bit of an edge, thinks deeply and will challenge me, set me up!

Disclaimer: This is the unashamed, non-guilty pleasure and unedited, while also edited a lot, list of all my fictional boyfriends past and present. They have all played a significant part in my fictional romantic life from an early, perhaps too early, age right up to now. Some were of their time, some came at the right time and some are timeless. I have tried not to be swayed by actors, although I did go through phases of liking certain people.

Jordan Catalano

Leon

I didn't include: Jared Leto's Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life (too much of a cipher, despite being sooo pretty); Burt Ward's Robin from the 60s Batman (one of my first TV crushes, but don't think it was romantic); Ross Poldark (I can't have two Aidan Turner characters, he leaves his love alone too often and he's even worse in the books); Henry Ian Cusick's Desmond from Lost (all of that cast is sullied by the final episode, but what a lovely Scottish accent and such a lovable character); Jean Reno's Leon from Leon/The Professional (despite being sweet, sensitive and able to look after himself, he does kill people); David Bowie's Goblin King Jareth from Labyrinth (too disturbing, but caused many a teenage awakening for an entire generation of boys and girls); the bad boys from The Breakfast Club (Judd Nelson's Bender), Rebel Without a Cause (James Dean's Jim Stark) and Eoin Macken's Gwaine from BBC's Merlin (too difficult to be around); the antiheros from A Discovery of Witches (it's only because of Matthew Goode's portrayal of Matthew Clairmont that I'm even mentioning him as he's sooo obsessive and controlling), House (Hugh Laurie, too petty and gloomy), The Mentalist (Simon Baker's Patrick Jane, too frivolous on the outside and dark on the inside), Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock (too selfish) and any of the superhero TV series (too dangerous and stressful to be with); Samurai Jack from the cartoon series (more respectful of him than anything else); and any sappy romcom guy like those from Ever After, Breakfast at Tiffany's or The Notebook (too perfect and unrealistic).

35. Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights: The guy you idealise and idolise without realising their true character. He used to be my fictional boyfriend when I was a teenager; he connected with me as Emily Bronte was writing exactly how I saw romance at the time. But as I grew older and obviously Emily didn't get to live that long, I realised she didn't have a chance to write about real love and I realised how Heathcliff and Cathy's love is unrealistic. He's like your boyfriend from school and while you now both want different things out of life, you can't let each other go due to your shared history. Never has a love soared so high and sunk so low, in the book and with me.

34. Rochester - Jane Eyre: The older man you want to notice you. It may be one of my favourite books of all time, but Rochester is awful. He's the man you love to hate. The man you wish you could give up, but you can't. You know he loves you for you, but that love is twisted, controlling and manipulative. He won't take no for an answer, lurking around you until you give in. It's only when Jane becomes more powerful than him, that they can be together. At least Charlotte understood love a bit more than her sister. My favourite portrayal is by Orson Welles, though everyone has brought something different to Rochester. Anne Bronte was the Bronte who wrote about love the best.

33. Rhett Butler - Gone With The Wind: The cheeky and confident man every girl loves and every boy wants to be. The book version and not Clark Gable's film version, obviously. He's not as bad in the book, but he's still pretty terrible. His only saving grace is his unconditional love for Scarlett, the way he challenges her, including laughing at her which is great, and how much he believes in her, even if he does reject her at the end, it's clear he still wants her. These types of men exert a magnetic pull all of their own, but it's more lust than love.

Colin Firth's Darrcy

32. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice: The brooding silent type you want to get to know. Best of a bad bunch following Heathcliff and Rochester. I guess it's controversial having him so low down the list as he's many people's ideal fictional romance. His brooding intensity, strong silent presence set the romantic archetype forever more. I wasn't immune, but he's like that guy who's not as great as he thinks he is, despite his money and influence.

31. Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie: The boy who never notices girls. Before I was attracted to boys, I was drawn to Peter Pan by reading the book. I loved his devil-may-care attitude and I never wanted to grow up, just like him, but with him!

30. Robin Hood - The Disney version: The leader of the pack who has a whole gang around him. I think this was one of my first fictional crushes and I think it might have been quite a few people's of my age. How can a cartoon fox be so attractive?! Maid Marian may have been the same for lovers of the fairer sex.

Hawkeye

29. Clint Barton/Hawkeye - The MCU films: The strong and stable type. I had to include a superhero as they are one of my film obsessions right now and I'm seeing the latest Avengers for my birthday. Clint is the most stable of them all and you can tell he's a great father, not just from the big reveal, but by how he treats Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch. Plus, Jeremy Renner is an underrated actor.

Oberyn

28. Oberyn Martell/The Viper - Game of Thrones: The coolest guy in school who always seems to have a different girl on his arm. His character in the books is so vibrant, confident and powerful, I was hooked and then when he was played by Pedro Pascal in the TV series, I was gone. He was true to himself, his proclivities and his passion. I wish I could be that uninhibited. However our relationship didn't last long, as he doesn't last long. But it was good while it lasted.

27. Legolas - The Lord of the Rings and Will Turner - The Pirates of the Caribbean films: The archetypal romantic hero. Alright, I had an Orlando Bloom period, but Will is straight out of an Errol Flynn film. He will do anything for love and who doesn't want that? For Legolas, clearly this was the film version and not Tolkien's, so it's all about Orlando Bloom's performance. He may be more interested in his friends than you, but he can turn his hand to anything.

26. Captain Jack Sparrow - The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: He wants you, he wants you not. Note that this is specifically about the Jack from the first film. I have a weird thing for amoral men, I must do. He would've been higher if Johnny Depp had not gone down in my estimation. He's the love you and leave you type, who'd return to you if he felt like it, but he's never around.

Kili

25. Kili - The Hobbit: The romantic. As there is no romantic subplot with a character that doesn't even exist in the books, this purely comes from Aidan Turner. For a dwarf, he's prone to frivolity, mischief and fun, plus he takes romance seriously. But this romance is doomed.

24. Dickon - The Secret Garden: He will always love something else more than you. After reading the book, Dickon was in my thoughts a lot. He loves animals and even has a medal named after him. My love for Dickon is pure and he will always have a special place in my heart.

Jesse

23. Jesse - Free Willy: The diamond in the rough. The film came out at the right time for me, okay? He may look like he's not worth the trouble, but all he needs is someone to take him under his wing. I still harbour an interest in Jason James Richter; years ago we were MySpace friends and bonded over the band Travis!

22. Laurie - Little Women: The literal boy next door. Always on the list of fictional boyfriends, but he's a slow grower. You won't realise you like him that way until suddenly it seems like you've always loved him. Give it time, there's always the money, playfulness and puppydog loyalty to tide you over in the meantime.

21. Jamie Fraser - Outlander series: Too good to be true, even for a fictional boyfriend. This is why he isn't higher up the list; he's a sensitive principled warrior, an oxymoron in itself, can look after himself and others, but is also tender and gentle. He's another who would do anything for love and family and puts his life on the line way too many times. I have a penchant for a Scottish accent, so Sam Heughan in the TV series is high up on my TV crush list.

Martin

20. Martin Blank - Grosse Pointe Blank: The drifter. The first entry for John Cusack and an assured fictional boyfriend as he's in one of my favourite films. He will frustrate you and turn you on in equal measure with his sarcasm, dark wit and ability to protect you come what may. But you never know whether he's going to stick around or not.

19. Jack Pearson - This Is Us: The ultimate archetype. Jack is too perfect: handsome, strong, funny, capable and loving and no matter how much they try to undo that with his closed-off-ness, perfectionism and stubbornness in later episodes, it's too late, he's the archetype of a father, husband, son and brother.

18. Geordi La Forge - Star Trek: The Next Generation: He will always be there for you. Maybe it's because he wore glasses, maybe because the actor LeVar Burton has the same surname as me or maybe it's because he's a smart, funny and loyal guy who's a great friend to someone different. I fell for Geordi at an impressionable age.

Killian

17. Hook/Killian Jones - Once Upon a Time: The bad boy turned good. The series may be over, but his loyalty saw him through to the end. He could've been so much less attractive, interesting and charismatic if it were not for Colin O'Donoghue, who forced them to make more of his character by the sheer power of his performance. He's a bad boy, selfish and flippant, but love will change him into a caring, mischievous and strong hero.

16. Jon Snow - Game of Thrones: Someone to rely on... He's one of the main characters in the programme and books and Kit Harington is Jon Snow; he makes me feel like a teenager again. I don't think he'd make the greatest of boyfriends as he's highly virtuous, ambitious and prone to getting into trouble, betrayed and even killed, but he'd make a brilliant friend when the relationship inevitably goes sideways.

15. Aladdin - The Disney version: Just give him a chance. The film came out at an impressionable moment. It didn't help that he was based on Michael J. Fox, one of my all-time crushes. He's handsome, sensitive, romantic, cheeky and offers freedom. What more could a girl ask for?

Henry

14. Henry Tilney - Northanger Abbey: You will need to make the first move. My favourite Jane Austen book and my favourite Jane Austen main man. He's a lovely guy, just not someone who would come out and tell you, loving you from afar. You'd catch him looking at you, but he will look away when you see him. He's worth the effort.

13. Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The antihero. Angel may be Buffy's paramour, but Spike is her truest love, even if it's unrequited. James Marsters wins over David Boreanaz any day. You can't change Spike, but if you spend enough time, he can change for you.

Logan Echolls

12. Logan Echolls - Veronica Mars: He will change for you. I'm team Logan all the way (Piz is soft) and he wins Veronica in the books and film. Jason Dohring was so good at being bad, they upped his part. But he isn't bad, he's misunderstood and acting out. He just needs someone to believe in him. Logan is the rare thing: a man you can change through sheer persistence.

11. Benny - Benny and Joon: You will make a good team. For those of you who haven't yet seen this film, you have to. Seriously. It's one of Johnny Depp's best performances. He's your equal in all things, a true partner, someone to consult about anything and you could live the rest of your life with.

Dean

10. Dean Winchester - Supernatural: He'd be your everything and you'd be everything to him. I know I should love Sam more as he's the intelligent one who reads books, is a good researcher and a sensitive soul; he'd make a great librarian. But it's Dean who I find the most attractive; you know he'd look after you, defend you and give great hugs, as well as be a fantastic father. If he has the time between hunting monsters and saving the world. It helps that Jensen Ackles, in fact the whole cast, are awesome people.

Jess

9. Jess Mariano - Gilmore Girls: A walking contradiction. I'm team Jess all the way: Dean is an idiot and Logan turns Rory into someone she's not. Jess loves books! He's a bit of a bad boy. He's a sensitive soul. He's so considerate, caring and compassionate. Milo Ventimiglia is easy on the eye. If only he could get his act together and stop wasting his talent. He makes you bite your lip when you see him and you know you shouldn't get involved, but you can't help yourself.

8. Lloyd Dobler - Say Anything: The friend who becomes something more. Okay, I have a small John Cusack preoccupation. However he plays toasted marshmallows so well: crusty on the outside and soft on the inside. He's the ideal boyfriend, your childhood sweetheart, your first love and only love, someone you could grow old with.

Benton and Dief

7. Benton Fraser - Due South: Too good for this world. He's the ideal man in many ways. He looks handsome in his mountie uniform, but when he puts on a leather jacket... Benton is so much more than man candy though. I love his intelligence, his kindness and his polite nature, but adore his innocence. Paul Gross gives him an edge.

Ten

6. The Tenth Doctor - Doctor Who: The stalwart presence. David Tennant is my Doctor. When you spend so much time with someone, even if they change on you, they will always be a big part of your life.

5. Beast - Disney's Beauty and the Beast: The one who will always put you before himself. He gave her a library!

4. Marty McFly - Back to the Future: The one who knows who he is. I had a huge crush on Michael J. Fox for a time, entirely based on this film. Now I just admire and respect him hugely. The love has developed. What I adore about him the most is the fact he is entirely his own person, accepts himself and his flaws and is unashamedly himself.

Westley

3. Westley/The Dread Pirates Roberts/The Man in Black - The Princess Bride: The fantasy. He is the same witty, sarcastic, confident, assured and prepared man all the way through the book and the film. You know he can put his hand to anything. He is intelligent, strong, skilful, learned and romantic. The book is wonderful, the film is peerless and Cary Elwes interpretation will always be my fictional boyfriend. Yet, I haven't put him at the top...

Michael Vartan

2. Michael Vaughn/SPOILER André Micheaux - Alias: The paramour. Michael Vartan's love interest is almost perfect, but he should have waited! He was always going to be on this list as he's in my favourite TV series of all time. However his courage, determination and ability to lapse into French at any time helped. Plus, he's supportive but gives you your freedom. He's romantic, but not in a soppy way. He's intelligent, loyal and couldn't do more for you. He's like the boy next door, who's your first unrequited love and you discover each other again later in life...

1. Gilbert Blythe - Anne of Green Gables series: The perfect fictional boyfriend. Gilbert develops from a idiotic boy into an incredible man, boyfriend and SPOILER husband, while never being perfect himself. You can grow up and grow old together, never growing apart. The fictional boyfriend that lasts the test of time.

Gilbert Blythe (Jonathan Crombie)

Anxiety: My Past, Present and Future

Wear Your Label

Writing is therapy for me, so if any of you are interested, please read on. Please share this with anyone you feel may benefit from it. If it helps just one person, me, then it's done its job. I've always felt I've been too honest for my own good. Well, I think being honest will do me good right now. I'm going to tell you things I have never told my own family, they may have guessed, but I have never actually voiced these things. I have written about my anxiety before, in this blog too, especially a post for Mental Health Awareness Month. But I didn't go into detail. I want to go into detail now.

You may think you know what it feels like to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but you don't, not truly. You've seen lists of symptoms and may have had first hand accounts, but if you've never personally experienced it before, then you can't know. I'm going to make you understand, put yourself in my shoes, show you what it truly means to suffer from anxiety. I'm going to tell it like it is.

Why am I writing about it now? Especially as my last blog post on the subject was so positive; I overly optimistically called it Looking Forward to the Future. I got complacent. I thought I was over this thing. The big holiday I recently went on, that my last blog post was about? It made me think I had turned a corner, that I was capable of more than I ever thought. I am, but while the holiday combined numbers 2 and 3 on my top 5 causes of anxiety, it wasn't the top cause. I decided to tackle the top cause and failed, miserably. I decided to try and date and maybe find my first ever boyfriend. Yes, I am 32. Infer what you will. I went on a date, well a kind of date, the first time in many years. I coped better than I expected. But I had to leave early, though I didn't want to, because I was on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I'm determined to try and find another date. I battled for a time, wanting to take the easy way out, just give up. But if I do, I can see a life of loneliness ahead of me and no one wants that. There's got to be someone out there for me, so I'm optimistic.

How it feels:

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. There are common symptoms of course, but they can happen in different orders, at different levels and for different amounts of time. So I can only tell you about my own experiences. Many of my panic attacks come out of nowhere, or seemingly so. However they haven’t. They’ve been creeping up on me, sometimes minutes, days or even weeks in advance; the longest game of Grandmother’s footsteps ever. Anxiety is the most patient of life destroyers. It lies in wait, gradually wearing you down by increments. Chipping away at your confidence, at the walls you’ve built up, at your defence mechanisms until it reveals a vulnerability that it can exploit. It can be a crack that it prises open, or it blasts its way through. For such an unobtrusive thing, anxiety tends to have a flair for the dramatic.

Obviously, the unconscious has been working overdrive, preparing for this moment. Thinking isn’t an active thing, it works stealthily in the background. Thinking isn’t a bad thing. But even the best of thoughts, when thought often enough, obsessively enough, can become bad; you just get stuck in a cycle. I can’t say how many times I have woken up actually already in the middle of a panic attack. Waking up is jarring at the best of times, but waking up sweating profusely with a pounding heart and a cramping stomach is deeply unsettling. I have to talk the anxiety through with someone or write down everything it could be. Bringing the anxiety into the light, naming it, defining it and discovering the cause is the way to beat it. It’s the emotional equivalent of Rumpelstiltskin. This is hard if it’s the middle of the night and you’re still half asleep; I got a light for my bed mainly just in case, so I didn’t have to get out of bed. I have selfishly woken people up before because I couldn’t bear to deal with it alone, or couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. The middle of the night is my worst time. It’s dark; the seemingly infinite blackness of night has a way of heightening everything. All that is familiar suddenly becomes alien. There is no comfort in the night if you’ve woken up and you’re alone. You’re not sure what’s real and what’s not. Your mind is confused with sleep. However annoyingly you’re alert and ready because your body has gone into fight or flight mode. You may not need to think, but it’s like you’re navigating through fog. Once I’ve analysed the anxiety to the point of exhaustion, I hit on the right reason. I know, because I instantly feel worse and get more panicky. It’s as if my body doesn’t want me to get better; it’s a last ditch defence mechanism. However when I start to address it, I feel better. It’s been a long road to even get there and then a longer one before I can get back to normal though.

There’s a difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. Panic attacks are more severe and anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks. Anxiety is the devil on your shoulder, constantly dogging you, digging at you, voicing your darkest thoughts, always saying “what if” and “if only”, dwelling on past mistakes, bringing up old grudges. Anxiety is paranoia, it’s your conscience and your darkest thoughts rolled into one. Anxiety is the fear of the unknown, seemingly a good thing, trying to anticipate what happens next, readying you for the future. Anxiety is not your friend. Nerves can be channelled and turned into an ally. Anxiety is nervousness that’s too far gone. There’s no turning it back. It can only be beaten. Anxiety is a bully, voicing the worst about you, setting you apart from everyone else; bullies target what makes their victims different. Anxiety narrows your view of the world. It makes you feel as if you can do no right, as if the world is better off without you.

The Breakfast Club

You focus so much on yourself and your own experiences that you become self-centred and selfish and boring. Yet that’s all you want to know, you don’t have the energy for anyone else’s life; you become a hermit. You feel suffocated and alone. That loneliness comes from the fear that no one understands you, that no one has ever felt the way you do. That voice becomes the only thing that gets you, which is almost definitely a fallacy. In the midst of a crowd, you have never felt so alone. You’re stuck, trapped inside your own head. You go round and round in circles, constantly searching for a way out, which is exhausting. You get bored of yourself so much you start hating yourself. Then you start to get depressed, uninterested in what you once saw as fascinating. Your work suffers as you can’t concentrate. Your mind can never settle on anything for long, apart from the obsessive thoughts of course. You focus on your emotional crutches, obsessive behaviour that borders on OCD, such as mine which is doing things in threes. You have a particular book (usually chicklit or children's books), song (Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield), film (Notting Hill used to work) or TV programme (Gilmore Girls got me through a very dark time) that you rely on, watch, read or listen to over and over again so that it starts to lose its efficacy. This makes you panic all the more. Panic is anxiety that has lost sight of itself. You’ve gone too many times round the hamster wheel. There is no light left in the dark.

Anxiety symptoms

There are physical symptoms too. Your shoulders ache as you hunch over, looking down at the floor instead of up at the world. Your stomach is often upset because it contracts so much. You feel tired and heavy, as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, usually because you tense your muscles. You wake up feeling exactly the same as the night before because you don’t sleep deeply enough, which can also cause vivid dreams. You feel light-headed because you’re not breathing properly and get out of breath more easily. There are all these symptoms and more. There’s the fact you can't settle on anything for very long, the sweating, self-harm, mine was pinching so bad my legs were covered in bruises. Symptoms trigger symptoms. You are irritable and your temperature changes as you’re not sleeping well, and often not eating well either. You either don’t eat enough or comfort eat. You get sugar cravings, so you gorge on sweets and then your skin breaks out. You stop living and start existing.

However when a panic attack starts, these symptoms get worse. Not just the physical symptoms, but the mental ones too. The walls are down and chaos ensues. You lose all sense of control. Nothing seems right anymore. You feel a sense of doom, as if not just your world, but the whole world is coming to an end, as if nothing good can happen ever again. You get annoyed that no one else can see it, which alienates you all the more. Pins and needles start as you hyperventilate, which makes you feel dizzy and faint. Your equilibrium goes so you feel off kilter. Your limbs start to seize up and your stomach starts churning, this is because your muscles are tense. It’s the bodily equivalent of trying to find a hole to swallow you up. Then you start to think you’re ill which only makes the panic worse. Every thought you have plays out to the worst possible scenario: headaches become brain tumours, nausea becomes swine flu, and pain becomes a heart attack. You feel you can’t breathe at all, even though you can as what you’re doing is breathing too much. Your heart was fluttering before, now it’s pounding so you can hear it in your ears. It rocks your body with its power. Your chest gets tighter, as if you’re being squeezed and even though you’re generally fit and healthy, you think your heart is failing. It’s not failing, it’s flailing in panic, in a fight or flight reflex as it thinks it’s under attack. Ironically, it's the one doing the attacking. The constriction gets too much and you take off all that is tight: jewellery, belts, underwear. You have forgotten the world around you and start living inside your head, no one can get through to you. You hear people trying to help, if you’re lucky and you’re not alone, or unlucky, whichever way you want to have it. You feel their touch, their concern, their threats, but nothing makes any impact. They’ve faded into the background. You can’t bear to be alone but you don't want to be touched. No one can help. You can even provoke worse symptoms such as diarrhoea and vomiting, purely psychosomatic and mind over matter.

Generally, they don’t last. You have to ride it out. Though in my experience they can and did, last for days. Afterwards, you will be hungover, the most exhausted you have ever felt in your life, emotionally and physically. This is due to the adrenalin comedown. You can deal with that. What you can’t deal with is the shame. You will feel weak. You will wonder why this has happened to you. You will feel abnormal. You will become concerned that there is something wrong with you because other people are dealing with things better. Think: no one ever does anything better, just differently. There is something wrong with you, but it’s not anything that you’ve done wrong, or anything wrong with your character.

What you need to do is flip it, twist it and spin it for your own purposes. Stop living in the past as it makes you depressed. Stop living in the future as it makes you anxious. Live for the present, be in the moment (Lao Tzu). Before the anxiety truly takes hold, recognise the early symptoms, mine was the pins and needles, and simply breathe: in through your nose, hold and then out through your mouth. Focus on it. Feel the air filling you up. Take energy from it. Take note of the world around you, distract yourself, something, anything that takes your mind off how you’re feeling. If it’s a situation, be kind to yourself and leave. Then take stock. Avoidance isn’t a good idea in the long-term; you can’t avoid things forever and the symptoms will be ten times worse if you do avoid it. Anxiety doesn’t like being ignored, it only makes it mad and it encourages it. It’s a bully, so it wants a reaction, no matter how small. If it gets one, it spurs it on. Distraction may work in the short term, but it is only a band aid over a gash; it won’t hold, you need to stitch yourself back together.

What’s left will be a scar, a reminder, something you will never forget. But it’s also a mark of a survivor, a reminder that you’re not weak, that you’re actually stronger than you knew. It’s also a reminder to be kinder to yourself; you learn from it. Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you’ve been strong for far too long. It will change you. It may be a cliché, but it’s only a cliché because it’s true; what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Other people are a great solace, but you can’t rely on them. Even those who love you unconditionally will lose their patience. You need to get back in tune with your body, that’s why taking a shower or a bath, or doing exercise is the best way of getting over it. Become more self-aware in a good way. Tell someone. You may think it’s obvious you’re having a panic attack, but unless you’re sweating profusely, going to the toilet every five minutes or physically ill, trust me, no one has noticed apart from those who know you best and they don’t care. Those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind (Bernard Baruch/Dr. Seuss). Mental illness, anxiety, can be genetic, you can be predisposed towards it, or it can be in response to something. You can get back in control, but like an alcoholic, once you’ve suffered with mental health problems, it’ll always be there, waiting for you to trip up, no matter how far you think you’ve come and how long you’ve been free of it. Don't get complacent like I did.

My history
My first panic attack and therefore first recognisable symptom of anxiety was when I was 16 and watching Apollo 13. I was a fearful child, but they were usual fears: dogs, wasps, the dark, nothing out of the ordinary. This was different. I started to hyperventilate when the astronauts’ oxygen supply was running out; I thought I couldn’t breathe. I’ve always had an overactive imagination, but this was the first time it had caused noticeable physical symptoms, other than nightmares of course. I got so bad that my Dad threatened to take me to hospital, which shocked me so much I stopped. It started with pins and needles in my nose, then my fingers started to tingle and I felt as if my wrists were restrained, as if I was wearing handcuffs. My muscles tensed up, including my stomach, so my tummy started to churn and I felt nauseous. As the hyperventilation increased, my head started to swim and I felt incredibly dizzy, so I got off the sofa where I was sitting and hunched on the floor. I couldn’t bear to be restricted, so I took off my bra, from under my clothes, and my jewellery. My Dad tried to straighten my limbs out, but they started to spasm as they were so tense. He rubbed them in an attempt to get them back to normal. I couldn’t stand up. Afterwards I had to rush to the toilet, but not to throw up. None of us knew that this would be just the start. My family has always been supportive and mostly non-judgemental, which is difficult as mental illness can be seen as attention-seeking behaviour and by its very nature is self-centred and sometimes selfish. But they don’t understand, not really. By the way, never ask anyone suffering from mental illness, "are you okay?" Instead ask, "what can I do to help?" They may not have an answer for you, but instead of making them feel worse about themselves, making it harder for them as they are simply trying to hold themselves together, they know you're there if they need you. When trying to help, don't tell them to stop thinking, that's totally not helpful. Don't say it's irrational because believe me, they already know. My family tries their best. That's all anyone can do really, just be there.

The moment

The most public panic attack I had was while watching The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, when the black riders were sniffing out the hobbits under the tree, I thought I was going to die. Not in the now hyperbolic sense which teenagers state on social media, but I literally felt as if I would stop living. I had to leave the cinema and once I was out, I was fine, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back in there. My friend said I was claustrophobic as an easy answer to explain my behaviour. The plus side was it made me read the books before seeing the next film in the series and I was fine watching The Two Towers, even though it was a much darker, more intense and violent film.

The worst panic attack I had was when I was home alone. By now, my anxiety had become so bad I was having several panic attacks a day, caused by the littlest things, even a TV advert or a random comment could set one off. I was having trouble eating, fighting through what I called the ‘upchuck reflex’ to get anything down. In a funny yet desperately unfunny incident, one of my friends had to force feed me a chocolate chip muffin to get me to eat; I was shaking so bad and feeling so cold, even though it was Summer, she had to do something. It was affecting my friendships, and due to the mental fallout, it would ruin at least two of them, it stopped me from embarking on my first relationship and would continue to do so with the poor guy for years to come, or anyone for that matter. I’ve thrown up on a date before, in front of them. The anticipation of another date was so bad, I had to leave it early. So my latest foray into romance was a big improvement!

Charlie Brown

When I woke up that day, the day of the worst panic attack, it was too early and yet my family had already left the house and from then on, it was panic central. I was supposed to be going to work. I tried to watch Notting Hill, which was my go-to film at the time and one of my supposedly fool proof distraction techniques. It didn’t work. I phoned a friend, but she couldn’t help with just her disembodied voice. I phoned the out of hours NHS number, the lady tried to help. I continually phoned my parents and they finally cut me off as they were trying to drive my brother to university and I was going to cause an accident. I somehow got up and ready, somehow late despite waking up way too early. I was moving slowly as my legs had seized up, I was so tired and wasn’t breathing properly. I made my slow way to the bus stop as I couldn’t walk properly and phoned work as early as I could, saying I’d be late, probably making up an excuse. I got to work in the end, but had to get off one bus and wait for the next where luckily I met someone I knew who was very talkative, diverting enough to be distracting and didn’t need much input from me. I did a day’s work, even working alone for a time, absolutely fine.

In the time since then, I have had darker episodes, once contemplating suicide standing next to a busy road, thinking how easy it would be just to step out. In hindsight, I probably wouldn’t have died unless a big truck or at least a bus was going past just at the right moment. I also relied too much on alcohol to get over social anxiety and to drown the feelings. That didn't end well and it was lucky I never got into drugs or smoking. I gave it up after my third hangover and barely touch alcohol now. Over the years, I have still suffered with anxiety, but there were varying degrees of it, where it ruled my life or quietly simmered in the background, biding its time. I deferred university a year, ostensibly to earn money, but actually to regain my confidence and get on top of the anxiety. I got a decent degree, though presentations made the anxiety rear its ugly head again, worsening my grade for the piece as my breathing affected my delivery. I held down several jobs, found my vocation in life, learned to drive, passing the test 5^th time as my anxiety was too much; I only passed because I thought I failed from the off like I did the 4^th time and relaxed.

I got to know this bedroom very well, in all lights

By far my worst time with anxiety was Bruges. I had just finished my second degree distance learning, studying when I wasn’t at my full-time job, working damn hard to get my dissertation in on time, handing it in a few months later than I wanted and then we went on holiday. It was my nephew’s birthday and we’d decided to visit them in Germany and then go on to Bruges for a mini break. I should have seen it coming as I was on edge on the run up to the holiday, I wasn’t eating or sleeping well and I was covered in bruises from where I had been pinching myself. I wanted to believe it was just the stress from finishing my studies, but it wasn’t. I went from being spectacularly busy to doing basically nothing. The symptoms got worse; I couldn’t really sleep at all, waking my brother up who was sharing a room with me to help me through it and the panic attacks that eventually came, or reading trying to distract myself, but finally that stopped working altogether which made me panic even more as I’d never been unable to read before. I wasn’t eating properly and finally when we got to Bruges, I stopped eating altogether; at the height of it all, you couldn’t see the skin on my legs it was so covered in bruises from the pinching. We did see a bit of Bruges, a few of the sights, but it was hell for all of us as everyone was tired and I wouldn’t be left alone so they had to drag me around everywhere and someone had to be with me at all times. At one point, my Dad went and got me some medication in the middle of the night, but despite having nothing in my stomach, barely even water, I just threw the pill straight back up again. I pawed at my Mum and hurt her. She bruises easily, but the hideous bruise I made on her arm haunts me still. They were long long nights, I always feel better when the sun comes up. I started to improve on the journey home, which was very uncomfortable as we had driven; the journey through the channel tunnel was one of the worst experiences even with the relief we were finally going home. My thoughts were running wild, full of fears of the things that could delay us or even prevent us getting home altogether. Luckily there was little traffic and everything went well.

Those few days felt like an eternity and I was either having a panic attack all day every day or constant panic attacks one after another. The doctors say the body can’t sustain it, but mine somehow did. They always say panic attacks will subside, but mine never did until I got home. When I got back, I was so tired and malnourished, I moved back in with my parents and they took me straight to the doctor, who signed me off work for 10 days, told me I needed to start eating again or else he’d have to intervene, but he wasn’t duly concerned yet; I didn’t really lose that much weight which was the bizarre thing. He’s the one who first prescribed me diazepam. Through the TLC from my parents, gentle coaxing with my favourite foods and some of the deepest sleep I’ve ever known, I was well enough to go back to work. My boss was very understanding, which I’m extremely grateful for and allowed me time off to go to counselling; it just meant leaving a little early once a week. There was no stigma attached, only the emphasis that I laid on it.

Grey's Anatomy

After trying all sorts of different therapies: hypnotherapy (couldn’t relax enough), meditation (the room would spin when I closed my eyes and I couldn’t find a good position (see below), neurofeedback (answered some questions), standard counselling (answered more questions), mindfulness (which I continue to try and practice), I still suffer with mental illness, especially anxiety. There were several triggers, some expected, some unexpected and they all ganged up on me, arriving in my life all at once. Some of them were actually supposedly positive things, some were a mixture of both positive and negative and some were decidedly negative. They all acted together. However there was one factor I did not know about, that could have been building up for years before, or started when the anxiety hit, I will never know. I've written about this before in a previous blog post, but I'll summarise it here. Around the same time as the anxiety began, along with the panic attacks and eating disorder, I started to have attacks of vertigo. Not the fear of heights, vertigo is a symptom of acrophobia, the fear of heights: it’s when the room/world starts spinning. At first I thought it was simple dizziness, but the room doesn’t spin when you’re dizzy, that’s vertigo. Then I simply put it down to the anxiety. But it progressed from once in a blue moon to appearing more regularly, getting more violent and lasting longer, anywhere from 12-48 hours. It incapacitated me. I had to go through several diagnoses before I got the right one, pushing for a specialist: labyrinthitis (the attacks didn’t last long enough), migraines, menieres (no hearing loss) and finally they said I have vestibular damage. After tests, it was found I only had 23% left of my right balance organ, so I’d been permanently off kilter for almost half my lifetime. This disorder can make my anxiety worse, or the anxiety can make it worse, especially with the breathing. However knowing hasn’t cured my anxiety, it helps, but my body has learned the behaviour: now ironically any symptom of anxiety can trigger anxiety or even a panic attack, from nausea or an unsettled stomach to increased heart rate. For instance, I had to leave Centre Court of Wimbledon because I was so excited to be there, my heart rate reached such a level my body thought I was having an anxiety attack and almost lead me to actually having one!

From the brilliant film Ever After

The last time before this anxiety attack, I managed to stave off a full scale panic attack. It was after a bout of illness, which again could have been psychosomatic, caused by anxiety because I experienced an anxiety attack then. I was about to go on the biggest holiday of my life, literally the biggest as it was for the longest time and the furthest away. I've described it in a blog post. This obviously caused a great deal of anticipation, my biggest problem, stress and anxiety. I had got into thinking it was a bad idea, that I couldn’t do it and fears of ruining the holiday like I did in Bruges reared their ugly heads. I had cyclical thoughts and talked them through with my brother. I quite wisely went to the doctor, explained the situation and he gave me some diazepam. On the day we were leaving, I had to take one pill to even get to the car. I had to drive as well, only a short way, but still. Then I had to take one on the first plane and finally when we got there to even get through the night, I didn’t really sleep that first night. I kept them with me at all times during the holiday, but never needed another pill, my proudest achievement. Ashamed at the weakness I’d showed, I threw myself into the holiday and my brother said I was his highlight of the whole holiday, even above seeing his first seahorse.

The holiday taught me that I'm stronger than I realise. But it also taught me that I will never be free of the anxiety. I know I will have to live with anxiety forever, but I know how to help myself and being indoors, not exercising, not looking after myself, just watching TV and lying in bed, no matter how tempting, is only going to make matters worse. Be kind to yourself, but also challenge yourself. That's the key to living with any mental illness. I just hope I can take my own advice.

How to and how not to do your librarianship degree

I have recently finished my MSc in librarianship, distance learning from Aberystwyth while working full-time. I tried to do it as quickly as possible, completing it in just more than two years. I did it the hard way, I always do things the hard way. I wouldn't recommend it as it damn near caused a nervous breakdown!

It occurred to me that I have a few other bits of advice to impart, some serious and some not so serious. For those of you contemplating doing a librarianship degree, distance learning whether from Aberystwyth or otherwise, this blog post may prove useful. For those of you currently doing your degree, I have broken it down into general MSc advice, as well as specific dissertation advice. And for those of you who have like me finished, you may chuckle in recognition. For everyone else, there's some pretty pictures of Aberystwyth.

My dissertation was on ebooks, looking at the attitudes of publishers, suppliers, faculty and librarians (the main influencers of the success of ebooks in academic libraries) rather than users; the University of Cambridge became a sort of case study. For those of you interested, here is my dissertation. It got a decent enough grade, but maybe reached too far and tried to encompass too much:
https://www.academia.edu/6393946/_Books_are_no_more_threatened_by_Kindle_than_stairs_by_elevators._The_impact_of_ebooks_on_printed_book_collections_in_University_of_Cambridge_libraries_Attitudes_of_librarians_faculty_and_suppliers

The statue on the hill

How not to do your MSc in librarianship

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while studying for your MSc/MA in librarianship. I did mine at Aberystwyth distance learning while working full-time. But I believe the lessons I learned are attributable to at least all distance learning courses, let alone beyond. These are hard-earned lessons through bitter experience.

DO NOT:

...spend time off. Work steadily and regularly.

...forget the people you met at study school. Regardless of how quickly they or you get through the course, they will be your benchmark, virtual friends and the people who understand what you are going through the most. If you don't meet these people at study school, or go to study school, find them in your local librarian community who have done/are doing the course. Cambridge is great for that. I won't list those that helped me, but they know who they are. I occasionally met up with another Cambridge librarian to talk about where we were at, rant about annoyances and generally catch up. Just knowing someone else is going through the same things as you is comforting and encouraging. It also helps with the distance side, not having lessons or lectures, no socialising with classmates and not having someone to talk to on a daily basis.

Me with the friends I made at the first study school

...on that note, avoid contacting the course leaders if you have any questions, no matter how small, via email or on the forums. Do use the forums and keep in touch virtually (social media is particularly useful. Facebook or Twitter via the #aberils hashtag) with classmates and other librarians, they are your most useful resource, not the electronic articles, textbooks and course packs.

...be scared of the blank page. It is a genuine phobia by the way: vacansopapurosophobia. Write something, anything. Once you start, you'll find it gets easier and better the more you write. You can always edit afterwards. There is no such thing as the perfect assignment, the perfect essay.

...stay at Pantycelyn, if you go to Aber. You will not get any sleep. The food is worse. The sleeping quarters are atrocious. The ablution facilities are bad bordering on dangerous. Trefloyne was the best place I stayed. But I also booked a lovely little hotel on the seafront for the last study school. However you'll need a car or try and catch the bus as the route to the library studies campus is up a steep hill.

...try to do it in 2 years unless you don't plan on having a life, enjoy hard work and have unshakeable determination.

...take on too much such as trying to solve long-standing mental problems, learning to drive and passing your test (5th time), while also trying to have a family life, going on holidays and holding down a full-time job.

...expect too much of yourself. You will run yourself ragged with the combined stress of family, work and study.

Castle hill

...make a mountain out of a molehill. Tackle the molehills, not the mountain.


DO:

...choose the right course for you. I don't know about Robert Gordon in Scotland, but with Northumbria you have to do it in 2 years and Aber you can do it in 2-5 years, which allows for much more flexibility. There are also part-time and full-time courses, of course.

...set yourself deadlines. Yes, there are marking deadlines, but they are almost impossible to stick to, particularly if you're a perfectionist like me. The only one that matters is the dissertation deadline, otherwise with all the hoops it has to jump through, you have to wait months for your mark to come back. You will set off with the best of intentions, especially after the study schools: to be the best you can be. But I can guarantee by the end of it, you will be saying "that will do."

Babe "That'll do, pig"

...heed the universe. If you keep coming up against barriers, frequently get writer's block or everything seems against you, the universe is trying to tell you something. Put it this way, if traffic lights keep changing to red just before you get to them, the universe is telling you to SLOW DOWN.

...expect to put on weight. I haven't ever weighed so much without medical intervention. This will happen specifically when you are writing the dissertation. It's from comfort eating, convenience foods and lack of sleep/stress.

...have a good work-life-studies balance. Get into a routine if possible. If you can't, do little and often. It's about regular work. Go with the flow. Whatever works.

Aberystwyth sunset

...remember life will always get in the way. Distance learning is tough as it encroaches on all areas of your life at all times, if you let it. It's not like a job which you can usually leave at your workplace; it comes home with you.

...realise procrastination is the enemy. Self-motivation is key and the hardest part about distance-learning especially. You will find any excuse not to work. There will always be one more chapter to read, one more episode to watch, one more chore to do. Do not give in.

The bluebell walk trip during the April study school

...take advantage of the opportunities offered at study school, such as the National Library visit and the bluebell wood walk in Aberystwyth.

...use Dropbox. It's invaluable. You can work wherever you are. All you need is an internet connection. You will always have an up-to-date version of your work. It will allow you to take advantage of any moment you have, any inspiration and any motivation. That said, make sure you keep a back-up as well.

Backup from Veronica Mars

 ...use Zotero. You can keep all your references and bibliography in one place. You can create folders to separate them according to each assignment or module. One click is all it takes in your internet browser (Firefox and Chrome at least) to save something. There is also a Word add-in so you can instantly add citations to your assignment and create a bibliography, using your chosen citation style. I always used APA. You will never lose a reference and you will never have to manually create a bibliography again.

...have good, supportive people around you, be they workmates, friends or family. They will act as cheerleaders, there to crack the whip and preferably to do the cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I didn't until my dissertation as me and my brother who I live with share all the chores, but you might be luckier. It means if you're on a roll, you can stay on a roll. Even in the depths of my dissertation I had to take time out to cook, clean and grocery shop as it was my turn.

...allow for downtime. Do something away from work, family and studies. I took refuge in books (paradoxically studying will reignite your love of reading, at least reading literature) and TV, as well as the aforementioned learning to drive and trying to solve my mental problems. For me it was particularly Glee, Once Upon a Time and How I Met Your Mother for the TV programmes, Anne of Green Gables, Jasper Fforde and Cornelia Funke for the books. Without downtime, you'll go mad. A special mention to Gilmore Girls who saved me after I finished.

The balloon I purloined from the 25th anniversary dinner

...have fun with it! Do things your own way. Do the modules that interest you as well as the ones that will further your career.

...lastly and simply, get enough sleep!

How not to do your dissertation

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while writing your dissertation for the librarianship MSc/MA.

DO NOT:

...do every kind of research under the sun: interviews, surveys, the literature review, statistical analysis. It takes a long time to create, arrange, do, analyse and write up everything.

Beautiful Aberystwyth

...try to finish it under a strict deadline. More so than any other of your assignments, you will find dissertation time frames are unreliable, intangible and ephemeral.

...take a week off to try and write the bulk of the dissertation, in a heat wave, in England, in the summer. As you know, that almost never happens. So your dedication to your work will flutter away into the sunshine.

...ignore a wrist problem. All that writing, typing and mouse work will have their toll on your poor old wrist. It will only get worse, so let it have a break. If you must continue, get appropriate wrist support.

From the funicular railway

...accidentally ignore your supervisor's advice, creating a hybrid structure of the social science and thematic model. They are there to advise you. They know what the markers are looking for, so you must do as they say, or argue your point with them and in your dissertation.

...get sick at the wrong time, just as you are on the final stint of your dissertation. Not only is it extremely inconvenient, it saps your strength, energy and motivation.

...falter at the last hurdle, thinking "yes! It's almost over". It ain't over until it's over.

...write down all the things you want to do afterwards, so you will have a list when you've finished. It only adds pressure and makes things harder, looking at all the much more fun and entertaining and useful things you could be doing. Your librarianship MA/MSc is useful and sometimes fun too.

DO:

...think about your dissertation right from the very beginning of your course. You can be gathering research as you go, thinking about the topic and how you will go about it. And yes, you do need to have at least a shortlist of topics before the dissertation study school and ideas about the research methods you could use.

...get as few people involved in your dissertation as possible, only who you need. It just adds unnecessary pressure.

...print off and proofread your dissertation in paper format. My dissertation went through 3 people before I printed it off. By reading it in print rather than on screen, I found a few typos, incidences of repetition and mistakes and then my proofreaders found far more. One of the markers still found a minor mistake, despite it having gone through 7 people other than me!

Camera obscura image of Aberystwyth

...ask someone who is not a librarian and knows nothing about your subject to do the proofreading. My parents were brilliant at finding grammar and punctuation errors, parts that needed more explaining and consistency mistakes.

...choose a topic you're interested in, know something about already and won't send you doolally after months of work. You want to be sane by the end!

...plan something for when you finish, don't just go on holiday. You will go from being really ridiculously active to nothing otherwise. There will be a crash, I guarantee it, so if you have a project to do, TV series to watch or anything really, it will mitigate the effects.

So that's my advice. Do with it what you will. If you want more advice, the excellent Library Wanderer has written more articulately on the same subject. N.B We both came up with the Babe reference separately. Good luck!