Big reveal

This is a post I never imagined I would get to write, hoped but never imagined; I didn't believe it would ever happen. So, I'd been living a predictable, routine and slightly boring life for a while now, too long, living vicariously through books, films and TV. Not really sociable, but seeing my family every week, occasionally meeting friends and when I was feeling brave, going on dates. I pushed myself to attend work events, joining the social committee to make it easier. I encouraged myself to do what I love, to challenge myself. I joined the Creative Writing Club at work and entered the annual short story competition, winning a prize! I started yoga, perk of the job, which I've kept up. I went to the gym after work for a few months, another perk of the job, got injured, unrelated, and never went back. I found a far nicer way to spend my time... I was thankful usually when plans fell through, so nothing disrupted my safe comfortable life. I was always annoyed when a message popped up, when I had to disrupt my life for a few hours, change my habits for a bit, always expending too much effort, constantly second guessing myself. I never thought I'd have the time, energy and inclination to willingly and freely change anything even temporarily, let alone permanently. I thought I only had the capacity to live for myself, barely managing to hold down my job, crashing when I got home, even after my health improved following an operation. I thought I couldn't let anyone else in. But underneath it all, I knew I wasn't happy with my single status.

The photo that started it all,
still my favourite photo of us

Already gone were the unattainable ideas of when I was younger: finding my one true pairing, a soulmate, Disney Princess style, instant at first sight, butterflies in the stomach, something that's all-encompassing, being swept off my feet, infatuated, where they occupy my every waking thought, heart leaping when I see them, the world disappearing when I’m with them, being told, to paraphrase Jane Austen, that I've "bewitched them body and soul" or a Brontë style passionate affair. But that’s overwhelming. I've felt that in my heady teenage years and it's not sustainable, not the ideal at all. Imagine living like that, trying to have a fully rounded life, hold down a job? I've had enough of feeling overwhelmed in life. It can feel overwhelming when you're alone together, but in a good way. Time can get away from you though! I need to prioritise food and sleep better... Now I know it doesn't have to be like that, loud and bold and conspicuous. It can be quieter, it's about them being a constant background thought, heart warming you when you see them, anticipation before you see them next, the world suddenly seems better, right, when you're with them. They become your favourite person, sharing each other's lives rather than being their everything. When I turned 42 recently, he got me a Douglas Adams-inspired birthday card, writing in it: "you have become my answer to life the universe and everything." He struck the right balance of funny, soppy and heartfelt, not overwhelming.

First Christmas together

Most people, love songs, romcoms and chicklit books focus on attraction, as if it's the most important thing. But there has to be more. I feel a whole mixture of emotions: relief that I have found someone who understands me or wants to understand me; safe, it's what every woman wants, to feel safe alongside attraction; supported, knowing I'm with someone who only wants what's best for me; accepted for who I am: clumsy, geeky and silly old me.

At a 40th birthday party: me as Sarah from Labyrinth

That's what everyone should look for and have in a partner: acceptance, safety and support. But everyone has an idea in their head of who they want to be with: what they look like, the job they do, their interests, experience and background. This can be due to things that have happened in the past, but are more likely to be high standards, intolerance, prejudice, ignorance, or an easy excuse not to even try. I was mostly the former and the latter. Dating apps have only made this worse: you can automatically filter people out and immediately dismiss people because they're not tall enough or too tall, too big or too skinny, don't earn enough, have a beard, don't have enough hair, have too many tattoos, are a gym fanatic, they smoke, they drink, they have typos in their profile, they don't provide a lot of information or their photos aren't good enough. I'm sad to say, I was guilty of all of that and more.

All dressed up for a wedding

I messaged someone throughout lockdown, for months. We really clicked, had a lot in common. Then when we could meet, there was no attraction. We were relaxed in each other's company, but we both knew nothing would happen. It was mutual thankfully. I had several dates with someone I really matched with, on all levels, the online chat was good, he was perfect on paper. But when I met him, again, there was nothing. I tried, I really did, too long probably. It led me to think there was something wrong with me, beyond the anxiety and confidence issues. It sent me back to therapy. I thought I could be on the spectrum, gay, aromantic, asexual, or that there was something deeply inherent in me that meant it was never going to happen for me. Underneath all that anxiety, I knew that was wrong though and I was also wrong that I wouldn't find someone; it would be sooner that I would ever have thought.

All dressed up for another wedding:
rococo monster mash-themed

It's such a cliché, but I hadn’t met the right person. Nothing that can ever be included on a dating profile really matters. What matters is who they are, how they treat people and how they make you feel. You don't get that online, can never see that online. You get that with time. I don't mean butterflies in the stomach. That means you're nervous around them, you're anxious. I thought I'd always feel like that. You should be looking for someone who makes you feel good, relaxed and calm. Yes, you're going to be nervous before and on the first date, but afterwards? I was a little awkward around him initially on our first "date", but then, it just felt right. That's the way it always is with us now.

All dressed up for Rocky Horror

I've had people who I've been attracted to or have matched with that have treated me like a side note, an afterthought, an object, something to be picked up and put down as and when they liked, out of sight, out of mind. They kept me on edge, making me feel on edge around them. This meant not replying to my messages or talking to me for days, weeks or even months, acting like nothing was wrong with that, starting up a conversation again when it suited them, making me feel jealous. If you feel jealous, then they make you feel insecure. My man is a natural at making me feel secure; he does it without trying as that's just who he is. The few times I haven't, I've told him and he asks me why and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The others weren't really interested in me as a person, not even trying to get to know me, only concentrating on what I looked like, certain parts of me, not me as a whole. I've been mansplained to, decisions made without consulting me because "they know what's best for me", dismissed outright, cut off when they found out something that didn't match with their idea of me. That's what dating apps do: make you look for your ideal.

Out for a nature walk

Knowing that you feel safe and secure with them, that you can be vulnerable and honest with them, that you can be yourself with them, that's the ideal. I like myself when I'm with him, I like to think I'm my best self with him. The weird thing is and I'm extremely upset to say, I would have swiped left on my new man: he is tall, even taller than my tallest brother; he is big; he has a mohican; he drinks, but not to excess; he spells things wrong; and worst of all, he doesn't read books! That would have been a dealbreaker in itself. He does get most of my references though and I get most of his, even if he doesn't think much of The Lord of the Rings... yet. We've introduced each other to the things we love: him My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, me: nature and wildlife. We've found new things we love together: Apothecary Diaries. I like to think one of his geeky t-shirts would have caught my eye, or his TV and film watching habits would have piqued my interest, or he would have included a funny quote that made me laugh. But no, that's wishful thinking.

Introducing him to my favourite film
The Princess Bride in the best way possible,
at the cinema!

It's what the tick boxes, algorithms and swiping lead you to become: someone who is quick to judge, all surface level and based on appearances. I would have missed out one of the most kind and considerate, cheeky and geeky, sensitive and emotionally aware, warm and tactile, supportive and encouraging, fun and funny, patient and understanding men I have ever met. I've been looking for someone like him all my life, without ever believing he existed. But in the end, he was literally around the corner from me!

Weekend away for a gig

When the right person comes along, for them you will want to give up your time, your evenings, your weekends, sleep, your Mum's Sunday roast! You will want to just be with them, even if it's only to watch anime on the sofa. You will make time for them when there is seemingly none, a few precious stolen moments between other things. You will have to become better at organising, logistics and herding cats, trying to fit him, family, friends, work commitments and chores into your plans, while trying to compromise as little as possible. You will not only welcome their messages, but reply as soon as you can and not agonise over it, you make sure to leave a reaction to show you've seen their message if you don't have the time to reply. Their friends will become your friends. You will do things that will normally cause anxiety like last-minute plans, going to new places, doing new things, trying new food, meeting new people, playing dress-up and wearing high heels, going to two weddings when you barely know anyone there, all because they want you to. When they need help, you will be there. And they will do the same for you. Everything will be easier because they're there right beside you. When you're used to doing things by yourself, you don't know how much easier it is when you have someone else, someone to consult, someone to help, someone to share things with. Family and friends can fill some of that role, but it's not the same.

At Cambridge Pride with one of his friends,
now my friend too

You rediscover yourself, learn new things about yourself. Things you thought you knew about yourself you will find are wrong. You always have to fill the silences, that you're boring otherwise. But just being with someone not saying anything now says a lot. You don't like being hugged or touched and you need your personal space. Not with them, all you want to do is hold their hand, stay near them, be as close to them as possible. You've never particularly liked kissing. But it turns out with the right person, you can't get enough. Trying new things always causes you debilitating anxiety. Not when someone is there to encourage you and will you on. You have to always be in control and prepared. Not if you're with someone, outside your family, you trust and can rely on. You always have to hide parts of yourself. Not when someone understands you, wants to know you, the whole of you. You're too insecure, too clingy, too needy, too anxious, too much. For some people yes, for the people that count, for the person that matters, never. You're not enough. You are when you find your person. Of course, it might just be him! If I was with someone else, it mightn't be like this.

First photo as a couple

The touch thing deserves more unpacking. Instead of feeling intrusive, claustrophobic and possessive as it has in the past, with him it feels right. I used to edge away, end it early and escape from it as soon as possible. But with him it feels natural, no need to ask for consent. His hand in mine is grounding for me, searching each other out as we walk or sit together. Slipping in and out of it as needed, not taking offence when we don't want to. His arm around my waist is reassuring, letting me know he's there for me, happy to be a couple in public. His touch is comforting, arousing and encouraging, sometimes all at the same time! I never thought I'd be in a hand-holding couple, but it all depends on what kind of relationship you have, how comfortable you are with each other.

I feel safe in his arms

It helps that this happened over time, getting to know someone over weeks and months rather than online dating like I'd been trying before. I could see how they treated people, learn what they valued in life, how they viewed the world. So, we knew we got along, had things in common, liked each other, more than liked each other, missed each other, cared about each other, did things for each other and just wanted to be around each other. It developed so easily, gradually and naturally. It's the ideal: friends to being a couple. We're lucky as we work together, so we can see each other every day, have lunch together. But it also means we wanted to be sure, not wanting to make things awkward at work, not wanting to ruin a friendship, taking longer to get together than probably necessary. But it was worth taking the risk, at some point that's what it comes down to: the courage to make that step.

Me helping dye my man's hair,
purple obviously!

Surprisingly, it was me that crossed that line first, but unbeknownst to me, he had prepared to do the same, but circumstances had got in the way. I'm happier than I've ever been, a contented sort of happiness, more self-assured, more settled in myself. My family have noticed and commented on it. It hasn't been anxiety-free; I don't know which new things will trigger me. But the right person won't find it too much, won't find you too much, won't try to change you, fix you, make you someone you're not. They won't turn away when they see your vulnerable side, won't be scared off by your more difficult side, won't be turned off by your messier side. They will accept you, encourage you and allow you to be yourself. I am more myself with him and his friends than I've been in years. You will change, not because they want you to, but just from their influence. You will want to, for yourself. You will finally dye your hair purple like you've always longed to do!

Becca dyeing my hair

Despite all the self-analysis I've done over the years, all the therapies and experiences I've had, it's still a mystery why this is happening now, why this is the right time. I am a person who is usually never sure about anything, living in the realms of possibilities, what ifs and if onlys. I can be swayed and influenced, gullible and impressionable, more sure of other people's opinions and ideas than my own. But I'm sure about him, that this feels right. This is amazing to me, not just because I am usually an unsure person; it's because I don't find it easy to trust people. Read my posts about when I was bullied at school to find out why. What I've learned through all this is to believe in actions not words. Believe what people show themselves to be, not who they say they are.

Our pub quiz team, what we did on our first date

Right from the beginning, I trusted him, from first conversation, from first offer of help, from first time alone together. His actions showed what a wonderful person he is. I never like being alone with someone I don't know very well, sometimes with people I do know! But I trusted him implicitly from the beginning; right to my very core, I knew I was safe with him, physically and emotionally. Just through being the open, emotionally aware and sensitive person he is, he let me know he accepted me for me. If there was anything wrong, we would talk it through. Most importantly, he wouldn't just leave, cut me off, abandon me (a complex I have) seemingly for one problem, one argument, one thing he discovered about me that didn't fit with his idea of me. All these things have happened to me and still cause me anxiety, but I've got better with it since my most recent therapy sessions. It stopped me from getting close to people, making friends and of course having relationships. The therapy obviously worked and maybe that is why now is the right time because not only do I have new friends, not only do I fit in with his community of people, but also, I have him.

Me last minute storytelling at The Elm Tree

He knows what he's doing; while not quite balancing me out, he complements me. Although he knows not to compliment me too much; I never believe it! He has enough experience of anxiety to be empathetic, but not as much as me, though most people wouldn't! He knows what to do to help me, support me, boost my mood. He knows how to make me laugh, how to turn me on, how to reassure me. He knows when to hold me and when to leave me be: too much touch can feel restrictive, especially when feeling stressed, anxious or panicky. All this he does without even having a conversation about it, let alone being told. This may be learnt through time being around me, but he has figured this all out by himself, or it's just who he is as a person. He puts others before himself, shows up for people, wants to do the best by people. It makes him a great boyfriend. One of my friends who proofread this for me says it's "the loveliest love letter I have ever read". We have been together as an official couple a year now and started using the L word after 7 months together, though we've known each other for more than 2 years and were friends for 6 months before we got together. I'm so lucky to have found him.

Encouraged to do so by my boyfriend

I do get flashes of wanting to go back to my simpler, easier and less busy life, especially when the anxiety hits, when I see my book piles, TV recordings and to-do lists stack up. Romantic books and films hold less interest for me now I know what real love feels like; the storylines, characters and drama don't ring true anymore, not what I want from love. That helps with my to read and watch lists! I'm lucky in how easy it is between us, how easy it has been to fall in love. I was ready to say it before him. I have battles within myself sometimes. But when I'm with him, I know he's worth any complications. I don't know where we're going, how long this is going to last. But I'm going to enjoy it, remain in the present, not think too far ahead. I know what I want my future to hold though. Him. I just want to hold him. I will hold onto him for as long as he'll let me.

Recreating that first photo a year later,
at the work Christmas party

What makes me, me

For those of you who know me, I don't know your impressions of me. I'm not great at looking at myself with an objective eye. I can seem calm, but that's only due to excessive self-control or pretence due to years of managing an anxiety disorder. I can seem confident, not least due to my taste in clothes (people have recognised me by my colourful leggings), but I'm not really. Above all, I am seen as kind, which I hope is true! However all of that masks an almost complete lack of self-esteem, mainly due to what happened to me at school, from the age of 10 onwards. I think it deserves a post to itself, though I have talked about this before on my blog, some excerpts are included below. However it's telling that the posts I have included my bullying experience in are about belonging, inclusion and the TV programme 13 Reasons Why, for obvious reasons:

Confidence is a big thing for me as I actually have none, I just give good pretence. I masque it in many different ways and actually go to the extreme sometimes trying to show my confidence, which can be a bad thing. I find it difficult to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness, but I'm getting better at it. Conversely showing vulnerability is easy for me. It's just on a professional basis, career progression and such, I don't want to show it. It's caused by prolonged childhood bullying, abandonment issues and obviously my mental health issues.

7-year old me, introduced to Sangria

At primary school, a wonderful school; it wasn't their fault, they did all they could, all any school can; at the age of 10, I experienced my first sustained bullying. Up until then, I had a best friend and various groups of friends I hung around with. I went to their birthday parties and I was part of several groups, even the cool kids. I was basically included everywhere, apart from the boys of course! Afterwards, I only really had my best friend and this intense attachment broke our friendship up, but gradually over many years. I don't blame the others, it's the way schools are; one person gets singled out for being different; for me it was my glasses, intelligence and awkwardness; the others join in or don't want to side with the one being picked on as they may get picked on too. I thought I had got away lightly as it was nothing particularly terrible as it was only really name calling and intimidation and nothing physical. But thinking back, I should have realised it was the exclusion that was the worst thing; it's the worst thing about any bullying: the alienation, the loneliness and watching the world from the sidelines.

So where the bully lead, pretty much everyone else followed. They didn't bully me, they just excluded me, stopped inviting me to things, hanging around with me and finally, talking to me, apart from taking advantage of my intelligence to help with schoolwork, which I gladly gave them because at least they were paying attention to me! I was persona non grata. I was invisible. When my parents found out and alerted the school, things got a little better. But the damage to my relationships, forget friendships, with my classmates was irrevocable and they were never the same from thereon in. When we started secondary school, I hoped things would change, but they didn't, even with the bully in the other half of the school, so no chance of any classes with them, found ways to still bully me; everyone moved on.

Who wouldn't want to befriend me..!

That was the thing, the bully was one of my closest friends. I had recently gone to a sleepover round their house and not a group sleepover either. Then suddenly they turned on me. So, it wasn't just the exclusion that was the problem, it was the withdrawal of inclusion. For the rest of my life, throughout my friendships, professional relationships, let alone personal ones, I have always been on tenterhooks, not getting too close for fear of future exclusion.

It was only a year until secondary school, so I handled it by retreating to the library, the one place the bully wouldn't go and therefore find me. It's why libraries are the one place, apart from home and religious buildings, even ruined ones, despite not being religious, where "my soul can rest".

I tried to move on, but I still saw the bully in the halls who'd take any chance they could to pick on me. When others saw, they caught on and it allowed various others to bully me. It was tacit permission to bully. I was bullied for 6 years, non-stop. One constant bully and several others along the way, usually name-calling, taking my stuff, blocking my path, goading and teasing. The usual, for girls anyway. It only once turned physical, but I backed down. I confronted my bully years later over Facebook and she said she didn't realise that what she was doing was having such an impact on me, despite my parents reporting her to the school and them taking action, but anyway. Plus she even bullied my Mum, a 10-year old bullying an adult! One of my bullies apologised, years later of course, and if he didn't become a friend, he at least gave me a lollipop as a peace offering, while he was drunk and at a nightclub. However bullying isn't just about the people involved, the bullies and the victims, it is also about the people who stand by and do nothing; it is not just about what people do, it's about what people don't do. To paraphrase Edmund Burke: bullying prevails when good people do nothing.

When I was bullied, it happened before the age of social media, mobile phones and the internet. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had to go through what I went through now. The teasing and name-calling wouldn't have just happened in the playground, in the classroom and on my way home, it would have come by text message and on social media. Photos would have been taken and shared around. Rumours would have been spread almost instantly. There would have been no escape; I had safe places like the library at school and my home, but now, there is nowhere safe. I honestly don't think I would have made it through.

I've always thought I have low self-esteem and I've always known it stems from the extensive bullying I experienced at school. It's common for those who are and were bullied to think they deserved it. However I know now it's more about the bully than the bullied. You're an easy target because you're different, and I certainly was, even if it's just because you wear glasses, which I did, you're smart, which I am and was clearly so back then, or you weren't into the cool things like make-up, boybands and clothes, which I wasn't and now I'm proud that's the case. I had my whole world turned upside down when I was 10: a girl who I thought I was friends with turned all my other friends, bar one, against me. I became a social pariah and she picked on me constantly, calling me names, goading me, backing me into corners both literally and figuratively. I know now she had a troubled homelife and was probably envious of mine. But I'll never know why for sure and that's what gets to me the most. The school became involved when my parents finally got it out of me, and she backed off, only to start again at secondary school, but I could avoid her more there. Then another bully came along; she was insecure, but popular, a bad combination and wanted to assert her power. The third was a boy, the new boy in school, so it was easy to see why he did it: to fit in. The fourth and fifth together just mocked me for my looks; I didn't care about fashion or make-up, they didn't like that as they were all about being cool. And so it went on.

How unconvincing is that smile?

Knowing that now, that it wasn't really about me, doesn't help the deeply ingrained character traits I struggle with to this day, mainly to do with friendships and relationships. The article linked to below has made me realise how much of an impact it has had on my entire life, but that I've already taken steps to improve it including therapy again, for the fifth time, sixth time if you count hypnotherapy. It's no longer a constant battle in my head, mainly thanks to my self-awareness, DBT spin doctoring and the people closest to me being supportive, patient and understanding. Not all of the article rang true, but if you recognise any of the things I'm about to talk about, you may want to read it: https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem

I learned a lot about my why, due to the bullying I experienced and three of the friends I developed afterwards leaving my school in three success years, plus my best friend drifted away from me the year after that. I didn’t experience secure attachments as a child and now don't expect them. It caused these patterns of behaviour due to low self-esteem and abandonment issues, despite having a stable home life.

Afraid to take risks

I often daydreamed about changing, but I didn’t go much further than that until recently and now I'm taking leaps and bounds, mainly because I now have a place and people I feel I belong with. A lack of self-belief gives me an overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope and over-valuing the opinion of others. My coping skills were doing the job and no more, they kept me firmly in my comfort zone where I'm safe. I still battle with wanting to stay where I feel safe.

You know what happens when you never leave your comfort zone? Life can become mundane and sad, and leaving it becomes scarier and scarier. Yet the longing becomes stronger. You become stuck. I am no longer stuck.

People-pleasing

I say yes too much and care more about other people’s needs than my own. I go out of my way to avoid conflict. I chase people’s approval, wondering if people like me, not taking risks. It feels ordinary, and it protects me from confirming my biggest fear: no one wants me. I protect myself and my time more now, knowing I can say no without fear of pushing people away.

Me on a photoshoot, ironically
when I was least confident

Feeling lucky or grateful

I had niggling thoughts or feelings telling me that I deserve more, but I was comfortable with good enough. I felt a constant longing for more: more love, more fun, more understanding… more. When you don’t value yourself, you believe you don’t deserve more and could never have more. This is where imposter syndrome comes in regarding my professional life. But now I have more and I'm living more in the moment, enjoying it.

Neediness

I have improved on unhealthy patterns when it comes to trying to maintain certain areas of my life. I no longer want things to stay the same. I used to want friends to stay single, for fear they will leave me. That broke up one of the best friendships I ever had. It's why I don't have close friends at all, but with the ones I have made since and will make in the future, I don't and won't feel that way. In these situations, anxiety can be overpowering. I used to be irrational at times: sulky, needy, ignoring, pushing and pulling, anything. I can still take things too personally, get defensive and see change as a form of rejection, and I definitely underestimate my ability to be okay. I am a lot better now, but I still don't know what new situations will trigger this behaviour and anxiety.

Doings things I don’t want to do

I used to behave in ways that are not aligned with my values and who I really am. I have a much stronger sense of self now. I have never hidden my real interests, though I did downplay my geekiness, now I literally have it on show. But I did have to cut out a whole group of friends because I didn't like myself when I was around them. I knew it while I was joining in their activities, and I came away from situations feeling like I have had all my joy sucked out of me. When you don’t appreciate yourself, you don’t consider that people will like you even when you have different interests.

Haunted

Worrying and overthinking things

Sadly I still spend time worrying about what I've said and questioning if I've offended anyone. I dwell on past mistakes even years later. It's a symptom of anxiety, particularly social anxiety. This interrupts tasks that need to be done and steals happiness from my current moment.

I seek reassurance and misinterpret other people’s words and actions, thinking they are upset with me. When you don’t love yourself, you find it hard to believe anyone else does and you hold onto a fear they will leave you. But when you find the right people, the right person, this is no longer such a problem.

Blocking people out easily

I am trying to improve on this as I still avoid letting people get too close. I no longer see the worst in people, judging them, or assuming they will leave soon anyway. I have cut ties before with someone as they said one thing I didn’t like. We were drifting apart anyway and I thought it would be easier and less painful than the slow drawn out death of our friendship. I was wrong. But I still believe what they said was wrong, I just didn't give them a chance to explain and listen to me.

When it comes to friends, if you can break down my wall, you are in. But I was (and sometimes still am) a bit on edge, convinced people will see through me. Convinced they don’t really like me, or I’ve said or will say something to upset them. I think that they think I’m boring, inferior, or selfish.

If a guy liked me, I would run away, literally in one case; I would come away from a date and complain that the smallest thing was wrong, giving me an excuse to stay single. Then you have the guys that didn’t see me. As soon as I got wind that a guy was unavailable, he would become the focus of my attention, anyone available, I would back off, find a reason not to get involved.

Typically, I avoid social gatherings, meeting new people, and second dates. But I find myself jealous of my friends having other friends. If you don’t value yourself, you assume others will not value you, and so rather than risk being hurt, you just don’t let them in.

One of my favourite photos of me ever, mainly for the guy
next to me, but I'm so happy!

I didn't combat these things overnight. I have people in my life that I sometimes resent, but they get me out of my comfort zone. I am less of a hermit, developing friendships and even a relationship. I'm managing the anxiety side of things, though the one guaranteed situation to cause anxiety is dating. With the self-awareness I now have, I don't read too much into decisions and situations anymore.

In finding this post and editing it to finally publish it, I've cut quite a lot out because things have changed, I've moved on in many ways and I've updated it. But I've kept this outdated line:

"I hope to have heathier connections with people in the future. I just have to find some now!"

I have found many more connections since writing this post initially, which I believe was 2021 during the pandemic, mainly because I changed jobs in 2023. They have all been healthy connections, some more healthy than I could have ever imagined possible for me and by me. It's been uplifting to find this post again as it's shown me how far I've come!

Feeling the weight

I've written about hard subjects before, just take a look at my previous posts about anxiety, panic attacks and the EU referendum! But this is one of the hardest, maybe the hardest, at least for me. It may not seem that way when you read it, but this is a blog post I never thought I would have to write, about a subject I never thought would affect me. But affect me it has and it has hit me hard. I'm annoyed at myself because it feels like it's mostly my fault.

How thin do I look? I can't have been healthy!

I am close to being overweight, almost 11 stone, when for most of my adult life, I've been around 9 stone. Now I don't want to go back to that weight as I think it was unhealthy. However I reckon I have put on a stone and a half over the past year or so, I feel unhealthy with it and I should lose that. Luckily I can fit into most of my clothes still because I wear leggings, but I can't wear my jeans anymore. If I carry on like this, I'll have to go up a dress size. I have no excuse, but I have reasons. To try and make sense of why this has happened, to come to terms with it and hopefully do something about it, I'm writing this blog post.

I will have to go back to my childhood to explain. I was never interested in bad food: fast food, burgers, takeaways. I prefer simple food, simple ingredients, unadulterated meals. I'd choose a salad over a McDonalds. I don't like sauces, not even ketchup on my chips. I'm more interested in fruit and veg than sweets and cake. In fact, the first time I was off school sick, it was because I ate too much fruit! Even now, I can't walk past a fruit bowl without being tempted. When I was a teenager, people used to joke I was anorexic and I took it as a compliment. They'd pick me up, exclaiming how light I was. I was proud of it! But I never courted it. I just wasn't interested in food, never was. I'm still not really interested. I eat to live.

I love fruit, all fruit, even exotic fruit like snakefruit (right)

Things changed when I turned sixteen when my anxiety hit and I started having panic attacks. My life spiralled out of control. I went from having little appetite to having none at all. I still don't really have an appetite as such. I developed an eating disorder where I found it difficult to eat. It was both a symptom and a way of coping with my mental health problems, trying to control something when I couldn't control anything else. I stopped eating altogether at one point because it was easier than fighting through what I called the upchuck reflex. My friends had to forcefeed me when I started shaking uncontrollably. Since then, I haven't had a normal relationship with food, not liking eating in public for instance. My appetite, what there is of it, is the first thing to go when I'm ill, mentally or physically. When I can't eat fruit, I know it's serious. It's become a canary in a coal mine for me.

Now I have a handle on my anxiety, which used to sap my appetite, I have to deal with one. I must have had one before my anxiety hit, but that was more than 20 years ago and I don't remember. So when people learn to manage their appetite from childhood to adulthood naturally, I've had to deal with it all at once, which has been a bit much.

This is me under there!

However, apart from sugar cravings during that time of the month, I've been managing pretty well. That's why putting on so much weight is a surprise to me. It started before lockdown, before I knew I had endometriosis, which makes me bloat. My weight shot up on medication for my balance problem, but it went back down when I stopped taking it. That was the first time I went over 10 stone. I'm now on medication for the endometriosis and putting on weight is a side effect, but not to this extent and I'd prefer to take the tablets as the benefits outweight the weight gain. They've stopped the sugar cravings for one!

Due to my balance problem, I don't sleep well; I often wake up in the night and I sleep very shallowly, so anything can wake me. Sleep problems can make you put on weight, or more prone to putting on weight.

Me asleep(ish)

I'm not a great one for exercise and with lockdown, I'm currently only going in to work once a week; my cycle commute is my only real exercise, which was enough before, but it seems no longer. I will have to start exercising properly, which will be hard and I'll have to be careful what sort of exercise I do because of my balance problem. I definitely need to improve my cardiovascular health. The other thing is when I exercise. It takes me an hour to even get moving every morning; to say I'm not a morning person is an understatement. Vertigo upon waking due to my balance problem makes me groggy, so exercising before work is out. I'm knackered after a day working and exercise will knacker me further, for the usual reasons, but also my balance problem makes most physical things tiring. So I'm going to start at weekends and see how I go.

When I could fit in a dress like this

I don't eat unhealthily, but I do rely on ready meals and frozen meals at least once a week. The weird thing is, I eat the same thing as my brother; he has larger portions and eats more chocolate bars than me, but exercises less than me; even on our lunchtimes walks, he dawdles, whereas I try to keep the pace up; and his weight has barely changed.

Stress can do weird things to the body, to the hormones and goodness knows we've had enough stress lately. But I thought I was coping with 2020 okay, surprisingly well given my history of anxiety, including all the mental whiplash when things kept changing and first I was going to go in to work 2-3 days a week, then 4 days, and now one day a week. I had a few wobbles in the beginning, but maybe underneath I'm not coping so well.

One of my favourite photos of me, with my nephew Thomas

So between my endometriosis, balance problem and anxiety, which all cause the insomnia, that may be the reason behind my weight gain. This means it's not as much my fault as I thought. But the biggest cause is probably my age. I noticed a difference in my metabolism when I entered my 30s. I guess I can't eat what I'm used to eating without consequences anymore. So even though I haven't changed my diet any over the last few years, maybe even being a little healthier, I'm going to have to now. However with my history of an eating disorder, caused by the need for control, I'm going to have to be careful. I'm cutting sweet things out of my diet, which is no hardship, it's been easy over the last few days. I mostly eat them when I'm bored or watching TV. But I'm going to miss my Mum's flapjacks and scones. Then I'm going to build up to fewer carbs like bread (which I adore), pasta and rice. But I know it's bad to cut out food groups altogether, so everything in moderation. I will try to eat more vegetarian meals as well, I tend to choose them off the menu anyway. So all signs point to the fact that changing my diet should be relatively painless.

Turning 30

The first step has been getting over myself, stopping feeling sorry for myself and thinking this is temporary. I'm going to have to do all this as the trend in my weight has been steadily increasing; it's only going to go one way and will continue that way unless I do something. I have to lose the identity of my younger self who could eat anything and stay thin. I should also eat more slowly: due to my eating disorder, I ate fast to beat the upchuck reflex, otherwise I would have ended up eating nothing. That habit has stuck and I don't need it anymore.

I'm going to have to strike a fine balance between the problems exercising with a balance problem and changing my diet with an anxiety issue, but I'm up to the task. I'm the little girl who stopped biting my nails because I hated the way they looked, just like that. I decided to stop, so I did. I'm the teenager who stopped drinking alcohol because I knew I was drinking to drown my anxiety, so after my third hangover, I stopped. I now only drink on special occasions like celebrations and then only a few sips to be social. I got over a breakdown and am managing my anxiety. I've dealt with two chronic illness diagnoses and live with the symptoms daily. I can beat this too. All I need is an incentive like I've had before and one look in the mirror at the body I don't recognise anymore and one walk upstairs which makes me out of breath, that's enough incentive to be getting on with.

The most body confident I've been, taken by Dave Amann

Back to Normality?

This blog post has been many months in the making, so warning, it is rather long. It's worth a browse at least, especially with wonderful videos from Travis and of The Princess Bride, and a few pretty photos taken by me. So far, so normal for me and my blog posts. I initially called this post Back to Normality, but I added the question mark as I don't think anything will ever be truly normal again. It's not the 'world is coming to an end' apocalyptic anxiety-fueled feeling I had at the beginning of lockdown, but a more realistic view that attitudes will have changed forever because of what we've been through. I'm faced with some normality in going back to work next week and I'm both fearing and relishing the prospect. I have been back, briefly, once for some filming and it was surreal, but nice. My body didn't like it though as I got all sorts of aches and pains, including in my wrist, pelvis and butt. I blamed the bicycle at first of course! When you cycle twice a day, 5 days a week, for 7 miles every day, your body gets used it. It has definitely regressed these past 6 months. 6 months! Otherwise, I've been working all through lockdown from home, which I've never wanted to do, mainly because I knew I would enjoy it. I have social anxiety and I'm practically a hermit as it is, only seeing close family on a regular basis. So work interaction is the only thing that stops me from not having a social life altogether and I'm afraid of how much I've regressed in that sense too. But being at work will build that back up with no pressure. 

Screenshot of the filming

Filming at MMLL

Anxiety has been preparing me for the worst for 20 years, with what ifs and thought spirals, so the pandemic hasn't hit me as hard as others in some ways. However concerns about how the virus would impact me, my family and loved ones have caused a lot of anxiety and one of the things that has helped is living in the moment, escapism and writing this blog post. I've been dipping into it every once in a while over the lockdown period and writing it as if lockdown had ended worked. Lockdown has been relatively easy for me, with no one close to me catching it, no one losing their job and no one being furloughed. It has actually limited my anxiety and I'm worried how much it's going to come back when I return to the world properly. But with everything uncertain about whether there will be another lockdown and a resurgence of the virus, I know the anxiety will always be with me. Uncertainty over the return caused some weird anxiety dreams that left me unsettled, but they disappeared once I knew what was happening. Now though, with the increased restrictions and the threat of a second wave just as term starts and I'm going back in to work, I'm not sleeping as well. Last night, I tried all my usual methods of getting back to sleep; I usually wake once in the night between 2-4am, but go straight back to sleep. I resorted to an unorthodox method of doing a puzzle from the puzzle book I keep by the side of my bed, which I dip into every now and again if I'm feeling jittery and it calms the spiralling thoughts in my head down, probably by focusing my mind. I had so many at 2am this morning and the puzzle worked. I'm glad my anxiety disorder is manifesting in tears and dreams and disrupted sleep rather than panic attacks. At this rate, I may have to break into my magic painting book; I loved them as a child and it's a great productive, mindful nostalgia hit.

Forget colouring books!

Lockdown for me started in quite a dramatic fashion. I was due to go on holiday to Costa Rica, where my oldest brother and his family live at the moment, the Wednesday before lockdown. We were determined to still go on holiday as there were no restrictions then, despite the fears of catching the virus in the airport and on the plane. But the day before we were due to leave, the border closed. Our flight still went ahead for repatriation purposes, so we initially received no refund, even though it was effectively cancelled for us; apparently we could still have got on the plane, but we couldn’t get off it. Thousands of pounds just for two 11 hour flights and no holiday? We then got a voucher which would have locked up the money until hopefully the world got back to normal, or we could at least fly again, but it was only valid for 12 months… Finally, after a battle involving numerous telephone calls and emails, with the airline admitting a mistake and a very helpful customer service person working from home on our side, we got our money back. We got all our money back from the holiday in the end from car hire to accommodation, but it took months. We were incredibly lucky as many people are still waiting for their money, especially from BA.

A hummingbird in Costa Rica

After that and still to this day, it's been difficult not to think about where we’d have been if the holiday had gone ahead and if we'll ever get back there. But everyone has been thinking the same, what would they have been doing if the restrictions weren’t in place, plus the holiday would have been so different with restaurants shut, places closed and beaches forbidden. The border has only just starting opening there again, unlike here where it never really closed. There is a comfort in that we're all in this together. The heartbreak for me is that the holiday had been two years in the planning and it was difficult to undo all the preparations. We were visiting family and we have piles of stuff we were going to take out to them that they couldn’t get out there, plus presents as we didn’t see them for Christmas or birthdays. I had last-minute appointments at the dentist's and with my doctor, I got my medication early, stockpiled contact lenses as I wouldn’t have had enough, renewed my passport early, bought new clothes, wore clothes I didn’t want to take on holiday, got a haircut, bought toiletries to make sure I had enough, made packing lists and all were totally unnecessary and were constant reminders of what was not to be. However they came in useful when the country went into lockdown, closing dentists so my tooth pain would have caused me anxiety all through lockdown, hairdressers, making things more scarce in shops and every time you stepped into a shop or doctor's you were at risk, we still are.

A Costa Rican sloth

When I knew the holiday wasn't going ahead, I still had to go to work, but when I found my bike had a puncture and our attempts of fixing it took too long, I phoned work and they told me not to come in as I was on half day anyway, taken so I could pack and prepare for the holiday. That's when I broke down in tears, which were good because it meant I wasn't having a panic attack! All the usual anxiety about going on holiday and flying on a plane, plus the anxiety over the virus came to a head; it was a cathartic release. I called my parents as I was afraid I wasn't going to see them again for weeks, maybe months. This made me cry harder. I had the day off sick, used the rest of the week as leave to sort things out, trying to cancel our holiday and then I started to work from home with everyone else on the Monday.

It took a while to settle, nights were the worst, they always are with my anxiety. I went to bed early each night to stave off the panic; it's better to wake up early with it, than have it interfere with my sleep. That said, I had no real panic attacks, just anxiety attacks and randomly my temperature shot up in the evening, which didn't help as we had no thermometer, all sold out, so I couldn't check if it was a Covid fever or not. I reckon it was anxiety or my endometriosis. In the end, we bought a baby kit just to get a thermometer. Luckily, one of my managers had given me some hand sanitiser before lockdown for our travels, so we had enough of that. After a period of not being able to eat very much, I improved after I realised I’d have to move in with my parents if I didn't get better so they could look after me, like they looked after me after my breakdown in 2013. My fears of passing the virus on to them actually helped me get my act together.

I couldn't have made it through this alone:
me and my brother in Costa Rica

At first, I avoided all news, getting my brother to tell me anything I needed to know; each time I caught something on the news or on an app, I could feel my anxiety rising. He has been a rock during this whole time, generally unflappable, and he worked from home for about 3 years, so he's an old hand at it. As I adjusted to the 'new normal', I felt strong enough to read or listen to the news myself and it became a regular lunchtime tradition watching Nicola Sturgeon's daily briefing; she was much more reassuring, assured and compassionate than the PM. Other things that helped get me through were Orkney Library's jigsaws, Only Connect style walls and webcams; I got my fix of the outside and more global world from zoo cams, the Salisbury cathedral peregrine falcon webcam, the Tresco island live cameras of the beach and gardens, as well as Arenal volcano in Costa Rica. We checked in with my parents every day to ease my mind and theirs after dinner, swapping news, sharing photos and doing quizzes and puzzles; I send them the Times polygon every day.

Early on, I got a weird cough that I couldn’t cough that sat on the top of my chest that meant I couldn’t breathe as easily. This was not good as it mimics anxiety attack symptoms, but it was not as bad as it could have been because it also means I’m used to living with these symptoms. Knowing that every cough, either my own, from someone close to me, or a stranger created paranoia, we kept in the house, but as it didn't fit the symptoms and we had no others, when it went away after a few days, with my brother having it after me, we didn't isolate.

The coaster on my desk, John Ruskin

If I was furloughed, I don't think I would have coped, or gone into a film and TV induced escapist coma. Luckily, I could work from home, but only after some computer woes, working on my brother's laptop while we sorted out a PC for me; my PC is Windows 7, so that was automatically out. Luckily, I was given a free Windows 10 PC when I was at Homerton. I tried to stick to my usual hours for familiarity's sake. Creating a routine was crucial; routines are a boon for anyone with anxiety. That said, I tried not to replicate my old routine at home as it would have been a mental health crutch. I used it as an opportunity to be more flexible, as much as you can be with restrictions in place, such as having different things for lunch rather than my usual sandwich. I still woke up at 6.30am every day despite not setting my alarm anymore, though that is when the heating comes on and the boiler is in my room, but it continued over the Summer too. I didn't do much with my extra hour in bed, I needed it to read the news and wake up properly, as without my morning commute to wake me up, it was difficult to get my brain cells moving in the mornings. Separation between work and home was also less easy. I wore comfortable clothes and no make-up, contact lenses or jewellery. When I had to switch between working for one library and the other, I would use my lunchtime to switch mindsets or have a quick break. I used my dressing gown as a way of telling my body I’ve finished work and watched an episode of something between work and having our dinner as a stop-gap. Creating a distinction between the weekend and weekdays, was not just getting up later and no work, I tried to do different tasks each day, but despite my best efforts, sometimes the days blurred.

I kept my same core hours of work, allowing myself more flexiblity in the mornings if I woke up feeling bad. Drinking enough was key, I was so used to drinking from my water bottle all day: instead of a litre water bottle on my desk, I had a small glass which forced me to get up regularly. Getting outside at least once a day helped me feel like I could breathe deeply, shallow breathing was common for me during those first few weeks, even if it was just the back garden: nature is the best soother. My home desk is next to the patio doors to the garden, so I had a lovely lookout and often watched the birds and next door's cats; after one cat downed a pigeon (it went to the vet and was never seen again), we convinced her to put bells on their collars. All was good after that. I did some gardening every day, usually picking up fallen apples and dead-heading roses, which is very satisfying and makes them last longer, we still have some growing even now! We also loved seeing our wild flowers and vegetables growing; our courgettes have been a great success.

Our rose bower

My brother and I developed a lunchtime routine, coordinating our lunch breaks so we could eat together, as far as meetings and workload allowed, and then going for a walk, our one allowed outing a day during the restricted times and sticking to it when restrictions eased. Pokemon Go gave us the impetus to explore our local area and we now have some lovely nature walks across fields and meadows. We saw Spring change into Summer and now Autumn. I miss the quiet roads and empty pavements, now I'm having to adjust to traffic noise again. Each trip out to the shops was atrocious, my anxiety rose and my vestibular system got knocked out. One time, I sat in the car while my brother loaded the shopping, staving off a panic attack. But I knew if I said anything, my parents would insist on doing their own shopping and worries about their health spurred me on. Sometimes we have felt like the parents when they have sneaked out to the shops instead of asking us to. We have considered grounding them! They are in the at risk category due to their age and health conditions, but not in the shielded category. They are definitely taking the pandemic less seriously than their children. Now, shopping trips are mildly aggravating, but I can't wear a mask. I wrote a blog post all about why.

A good thing happened during lockdown; I got so annoyed at the quizzes my brother's workplace was sending round, taken from The Sun or the Daily Mail, that I created my own for them. I themed each week, starting with IT as that's the field they work in, doing three quizzes of 30 questions a week, starting with a word round like anagrams, a general knowledge/trivia quiz and then a picture round each Friday. They loved it so much we were sent a box of chocolates, funded by their HR. But comments I received meant more, especially the one who said it was the only thing that got him through the day: that was early on in lockdown. This then lead to a few of the quizzes being sent round to my work colleagues as well. My favourite was my lockdown landmarks picture quiz, with photos of empty tourist sites around the world. This week is my last week as I won't be able to continue now I'm returning to my workplace, so I'm ending on a high with a music round: name the song from its intro.

My birthday cake

Regarding work, my colleagues have been brilliant, in both libraries in different ways, even sending me a birthday cake! In one library, we had a virtual team meeting every day and had lively discussions on Yammer and Teams, the other library was more hands off with meetings twice a week, which were less about work and more about socialising and checking in with each other. These meetings became fewer as we got into the Summer. There were social meetings for all librarians in our area, so I got to see different faces. I also had rants with my ex-colleagues over Facebook Messenger, mostly about their workplaces and world politics. I found Zoom and Teams meetings quite draining, especially with the larger numbers: one time there were 200 of us! It's when you feel everyone is looking at you, luckily most people turned their cameras off, it was only for the smaller meetings we could see each other. Plus, I find it stressful seeing myself. So I tried to take time out, do things away from the screen when I wasn't working, even if I did one chore a day, it was something. I also took holidays, two weeks at home watching the tennis and trying to be productive, and a recent holiday away to a cottage in the middle of a tiny village. I marked the cancelled events, watching the 2008 Wimbledon final between Nadal and Federer during Wimbledon fortnight, the Glastonbury programmes and the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony when that should have been on, which was the epitome of bittersweet as it made me proud all over again, but I also cried to see how much the word has changed with the referendum and such. Instead of all the video calls, virtual meetings and messaging, the best thing for my social side was embedding myself in the communal aspect of working remotely, mainly joint ventures such as; helping the ebooks team with requests and purchasing, which is still ongoing with my buying ebooks for other libraries, maintaining my knowledge and working in an area I have been involved in for years; deduplication of catalogue records, which has helped me improve my cataloguing skills; and most recently creating an introductory video to our libraries, teaching myself how to use new software. Learning new skills in such challenging times has been a real boon and showed me that I can do more than I realise.

Winnie the Pooh quote

I have tried to be kind to myself, not question or judge myself, just doing what I have to in order to get through. Everyone had grand plans of what they could do with the extra time on their hands. Me, I thought I could start putting together my book idea, but I found it hard even to read books at first, let alone write one. I was going to make good use of the last week before going back in to work, making porridge for breakfast instead of just having one of my Mum's flapjacks and a banana, but that didn't happen. Saying that though, I did listen to more music and took notice of all the things I've been grateful for working from home. Putting on a stone would normally get me down, but I know I will lose weight once I start cycling to work again. If it was watching children's programmes, reading chicklit or binge-watching television, whatever worked. Familiar shows like The Repair Shop, Merlin and my favourite ever TV series Alias, (which is now on Amazon Prime) have really helped. I'm very pleased The Great British Bake Off and Ghosts are back and the new All Creatures Great and Small is very welcome. Another great thing was the lockdown version of The Princess Bride, it was on Quibi, but you can find a taster on YouTube below. I didn't need music as much as I thought, I can't listen to it and work at the same time as I used to, only when doing tasks that don't require much brain power. But when I worked at the police station inputting data, I used to work with music playing all the time. When I played the playlist I made of music from that time, including Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs, How to Save a Life by Razorlight and Standing in the Way of Control by The Gossip, it reminded me of a time when I was stronger than I ever thought I could be, which was confidence boosting. It also helped to block out the kids playing in the garden next door, while also tapping into happy memories of when life was easier, fooling your brain for a while.

It was okay to let things slide; there’s no need to dress up or wear a bra, put in contact lenses, put on make-up or even wash your hair as regularly, unless you feel you need the mental boost or it’s good for the motivation. I did do more if I was video conferencing though; you have to be more aware of what’s on camera and I made sure what I wore was what I wanted people to see!

Compassion for others was something I let slide for a while, it usually comes naturally to me as I'm a highly sensitive empath and take on the feelings of others, but when I'm in anxiety mode, that disappears. Our neighbours, who flouted lockdown rules, having people from other households over, going out whenever they wanted and even hosting a birthday party in their back garden with many people round, were the subject of many rants. My poor brother also got nagged more than normal as minor irritations became major. Happily, that has improved, though I still nag my brother!

Finally, the essential thing that got me through lockdown, was owning any feelings I had:

1. Grief over lost holidays, missed celebrations and not seeing loved ones
2. Denial was necessary to be able to process everything, escapism through TV and films
3. Sadness that life has changed so much
4. Anger about how the situation unfolded and was handled
5. Bargaining, being flexible within the restrictions
6. Acceptance came as everyone adjusted to the new normal

Pride was the overarching feeling when I look back on it all; not just pride of the NHS, which moved me to tears on numerous occasions, with my very English polite clapping on a Thursday turning to saucepan banging; pride of key workers of which my sister-in-law is one as deputy head of a school; pride of friends and family and how they adjusted to it all; pride of my colleagues and how they carried on regardless; pride of my library community and all the services they have set up, how they have not just muddled through, but adapted; and pride of the University in which I work, world-leading in so many ways, but generous, compassionate and caring throughout, making sure the welfare of everyone is paramount, both mental and physical. There's also pride in myself, not letting my mental health degenerate of course, but also how I've coped with work, learning new skills, making new connections and letting things slide at times, because I have a tendency to say yes when I shouldn't. As a side note, with the lessons learned over the past 6 months, appreciating what you have and those around you more, getting back to nature, slowing down, there have been some professional lessons too: ebook provision coming to the forefront, better relationships and collaboration with faculty over reading lists, working together more with other libraries, accessibility for everyone, disabled or otherwise, being key, and putting mental health first, all of which I have been involved with for years and have been trying to improve. They've all happened at once! I hope the world has changed forever in these regards, and with uncertainty everywhere, we are going to need our families, friends and colleagues now more than ever. I look forward to the day I can hug my Mum again and get a bear hug from my Dad; my brother isn't the most tactile of people, so I haven't had a hug from anyone since March. I may have to stealth hug him if I get desperate!

Finally, on a niche note, I am proud of my favourite band Travis for all they've done to reach their fans during lockdown, including releasing several singles, acoustic versions of their new and older songs and an awesome video of their hit "A Ghost" which the lead singer Fran Healy drew himself and their latest "All Fall Down", showcasing Fran's artistic skills. I see it as a lullaby for adults.