Showing posts with label Cambridge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cambridge. Show all posts

Friday, 15 June 2018

Inclusion: a personal revelation about why I'm a librarian

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I've been hearing a lot about inclusion lately; the recent UXLibs IV conference in Sheffield has meant it's been a constant feature in my Twitter feed for a week and it's made me more attuned to it. I see it in the anniversary of Grenfell Tower, with the emphasis on community. I see it in many articles about the football World Cup in Russia due to the country's attitude towards LGBTQ people. Obviously, I see it in MeToo and TimesUp. I see it in much of the commentary about a certain president across the water from us. I was woken up to it close to home by the EU referendum, or more aptly the opposite of inclusion: exclusion. However as a middle class white female living in a developed country with free healthcare and education, I thought that I'm in a privileged position. But I haven't always been. It was in reading Christian's blog post of his UXLibs IV keynote, that I realised I haven't always been so privileged, that I have felt exclusion. For a long time in my life I was excluded and it has affected me ever since, in ways I'm just beginning to discover. It has lead me to search for groups, people and institutions that provide that sense of inclusion and community, for better or worse. I have a strong sense of loyalty to people and place. And it's why, even when I have been included, that I haven't felt the full force of that inclusion no matter how welcoming it is, because of the exclusion I felt at an impressionable time in my life. I work in a great library, among great people, in a great School for a great institution in a great city. I've probably been here longer than I should have been because I feel so included here. It was in reading this particular paragraph of Christian's that it hit me:

"I find the concept of belonging very important and very closely related to inclusion. I see belongingness as a fundamental emotional need for human beings to be an accepted member of a group: Could be a family, co-workers, religion, a football team or the UXlibs community. If you tell me you don’t need to belong I say you either a psychopath or a liar. We have a desire to belong and be a significant part of something that is greater than ourselves."
https://christianlauersen.net/2018/06/07/inclusion-and-belonging-in-libraries-and-beyond/

Exclusion and inclusion
One of my key drivers is to include others, to put others before myself and it's why being a librarian is an ideal job for me: libraries are open places, the best librarians are inclusive people and the library community is special to be part of because of their inclusivity.

That's the problem with the librarian stereotype; it's all about exclusion with the shhhing, the rules and the stern woman in a cardigan and haired pulled back into a bun. Librarians are usually the complete opposite; we try to be inclusive as we can get away with and UXLibs IV was designed to help us do that.

Libraries feel like safe places to me: havens and sanctuaries. I can relax in a library, feel at home and importantly be part of something, among my people! It happens when I walk into any library, an immediate sigh of relief. I should have thought about becoming a librarian sooner!

Alone in a library
WARNING: you might want to stop reading here as things get a bit personal from hereon in.

Here's a little history to explain. At primary school, a wonderful school; it wasn't their fault, they did all they could, all any school can; at the age of 10, I experienced my first sustained bullying. Up until then, I had a best friend and various groups of friends I hung around with. I went to their birthday parties and I was part of several groups, even the cool kids. I was basically included everywhere, apart from the boys of course! Afterwards, I only really had my best friend and this intense attachment broke our friendship up, but gradually over many years. I don't blame the others, it's the way schools are; one person gets singled out for being different; for me it was my glasses, intelligence and awkwardness; the others join in. I thought I had got away lightly as it was nothing particularly terrible as it was only really name calling and nothing physical. But thinking back, I should have realised it was the exclusion that was the worst thing; it's the worst thing about any bullying: the alienation, the loneliness and watching the world from the sidelines.

The grip of belonging
So where the bully lead, pretty much everyone else followed. They didn't bully me, they just excluded me, stopped inviting me to things, hanging around with me and finally, talking to me, apart from taking advantage of my intelligence to help with schoolwork, which I gladly gave them because at least they were paying attention to me! I was persona non grata. I was invisible. When my parents found out and alerted the school, things got a little better. But the damage to my relationships, forget friendships, with my classmates was irrevocable and they were never the same since. When we started secondary school, I hoped things would change, but they didn't, even with the bully in the other half of the school, so no chance of any classes with them; everyone had moved on.

That was the thing, the bully was one of my closest friends. I had recently gone to a sleepover round their house and not a group sleepover either. Then suddenly they turned on me. So it wasn't just the exclusion that was the problem, it was the withdrawal of inclusion. So for the rest of my life, throughout my friendships, professional relationships, let alone personal ones, I have always been on tenterhooks, not getting too close for fear of the future exclusion.

Standing out

It was only a year until secondary school, so I handled it by retreating to the library, the one place the bully wouldn't go and therefore find me. It's why libraries are the one place, apart from home and churches, where "my soul can rest".

I tried to move on, but I still saw the bully in the halls who'd take any chance they could to pick on me. When others saw, they caught on and it allowed various others to bully me. It was tacit permission to bully. I didn't help matters; my shyness, introversion and passivity stopped me from sticking up for myself. Friends I made came and went, often literally moving away, which didn't help my sense of abandonment. It wasn't until I was 16 that things got better, when I did my A-levels; I found a new group of friends, potential boyfriend and finally an identity of my own rather than just following what everyone else was doing in a desperate bid to belong, but then the anxiety and panic attacks hit.

Now I'm in the best place with my anxiety, realising the reasons behind my desire to be inclusive and actually using my intense aversion to exclusion for good and in my professional life, that can only be progress. My need to belong though, that is something I'm going to be working on for the rest of my life.

Sunday, 14 January 2018

Music therapy

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I have brought music back into my life. I realised how little music I listen to, just as part of film and TV soundtracks and on long car journeys: the only time I listen to the radio. It was a big part of one of my old jobs and it was crucial there; working at a police station can be extremely stressful. We listened to the radio, all day every day. I have a playlist full of music from that time and after the annual Cambridge Librarians conference I created a new one, which you can see on Spotify.


It's one of the three new year resolutions I made; I know, I don't usually make them, but I find myself at a transition point in my life mentally and I needed to make some changes: music via some cordless headphones, health and fitness (the first part being out of my hands and in the doctors') and writing my book, which is going slowly. However this is helping as music is a big part of my book. I toyed with the idea of at the beginning of each chapter naming a song as a thematic device, but that became too unwieldy. So, using Scott Pilgrim as inspiration; the author listed the songs he listened to when he was writing the book at the end; I have created a playlist for the book, which I will put on Spotify if it gets published.

Scott Pilgrim
Music helps me emotionally, so I don't know how I've done without it for so long. However I know why; in-ear headphones affect my balance as it changes the pressure inside my ears. Over-ear headphones are fine, but the cord gets in the way, so I needed cordless headphones. They're the best Christmas present I've had for years as they have changed my life. Listening to music over lunch has improved my mood no end, especially as I've been tipping towards depression. It's been long overdue as it is quite common with anxiety sufferers, but now I have a handle on my anxiety, it has started to manifest. The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack has been helping. The conference was too much for 70s and 80s music to combat though. Big social occasions overwhelm me, on three fronts: mentally, physically and both together. The social anxiety of having to mingle and make conversations, alongside crowds of people putting me literally off balance due to my vestibular condition and all the noise, commotion and activity affecting my high sensitivity. So, just like with the Christmas party, mentioned in my Quiet book review post, I was grateful to have a job to focus on; because my workplace was hosting it, I helped make sure our library looked the best it could be, creating posters and plasma screen slides beforehand and displays on the day. When I felt overwhelmed, I had the excuse to pop back and check on things, plus my natural conscientiousness drove me to do that anyway! There, I could deal with fewer groups of people, showing them round. However, unlike the party, I had to focus and listen and take things in. I had to engage my brain, so I really had to manage my issues which was doubly exhausting.


After the conference, I had adrenalin overload, a consequence of the anxiety. I did pop my head in the pub afterwards, but when I cringed every time I said anything, imagining social fauxpas, I knew I had to go home. I was right, as it kicked in when I got in the door. So I had to slow things down. If I don't do anything, it could trigger a panic attack and the subsequent adrenalin comedown, both aren't pretty and make me feel awful. So keen to avoid that, I went home and listened to my wind down playlist as I call it. The One Show and Death in Paradise, cosy, good-hearted and mildly challenging TV helped too. There are few Cafe Del Mar type pieces of music as my chillout tunes need words and lyrics, otherwise I can't connect with it. Let me know your own wind down music. Books are the ultimate way to wind down for me though.


I won't include the full list of songs here as you can see, and hear, it on Spotify; I've called the playlist wind down obviously. Instead, here is some of the reasoning behind my song picks: blur as Damon Albarn's just-got-out-of-bed voice is soothing and has real meaning behind it, not the youthful exuberance of their earlier songs, excepting The Universal, but those from Think Tank; Travis, my favourite band would always make an appearance, their mellower later tracks are beautiful and Fran's lyrics and melodies speak to me like nothing else; Leftfield as I'm always lulled by their tunes; The Levellers' Elation is a song that sends me to another place; Moondance is one of my favourites of all-time and the version from the film August Rush reminds me of a great moment; Shakespear's Sister is a real nostalgia trip and Stay takes me back in time to listening to the radio on my way home from swimming, all sleepy and relaxed; Sit Down by James has some of my favourite lyrics which make me feel like I'm not alone; Vangelis is one of the best film composers and his music is so out of this world I'm not me anymore; there are songs that bring back memories from great films and TV like Disney which would always make it to any of my playlists, the dreamy The Life Aquatic, seductive performances in The Bronze on Buffy, the excellent Veronica Mars soundtrack and music from my favourite TV series Alias; Elbow's Mirrorball can send me to sleep in the best way; Into Dust by Mazzy Star is trance-like; some songs are self-explanatory just from their titles such as Moby's Down Slow, Will Young's Let It Go  and Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence, one of my favourite songs ever; some artists are just perfect for winding down to such as The Lighthouse Family's smooth tones; and finally Gotta Get Thru This was the soundtrack to my first panic attack-ridden months and was one of the things that literally got me through. I will be forever grateful to Daniel Bedingfield for bringing that song out when he did, so the acoustic version is my go-to to wind me down when nothing else will work.


There are songs I wanted to include, but were either too emotive like Sarah McLachlan, come from films or TV programmes that had too big an impact on me or were songs that remind me of a part of my life that isn't conducive to relaxation. The exception that proves the rule is the Star Trek: Voyager theme as it reminds me of early evenings when I was a kid, warm and snuggly after I'd had my bath. I hope you find some of these helpful, they mostly have a slow rhythm that mimics a relaxed heartbeat and none of them are melancholy, but hopeful and neutral.


Bonus: Here's a Travis song not on Spotify, a lovely Viennese Waltz style song all about me!

Thursday, 30 June 2016

The emotional impact of the EU referendum

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Brexit grief
There's been a lot of talk about the physical aspects of the referendum result, what it means politically, financially and nationally, but what does it mean to one person and their mental well-being? Everyone, leave and remain voters alike are worried. Some leave voters are regretting their decision and they have to live with the guilt. Some are staunchly stubborn, believing they made the right decision. They are the ones who voted on sentiment to the detriment of the facts. All the leave voters who are defending their decision, their reasons can be refuted now, through politicians backtracking or the realisation that what was promised isn't actually feasible, such as with immigration, apart from that is, those who voted for independence. You can't argue with patriotism, I know because I'm a patriot.

Grief

In the wake of the result, the five stages of grief by Kübler-Rosswere were doing the rounds amongst my echo chamber. It was very apt as I'm grieving; I'm in mourning for a world that's now gone. It may not feel like it at the time, but with a general election, nothing really changes if a new party gets in or if we get a new Prime Minister. The faces change, some policies change, but pretty much everything stays the same. If things do change such as privatisation of services, such as the loss of post offices and pubs, we have time to either fight it or get used to it. But with leaving the EU, though they said nothing much would happen for two years, it feels like our whole world has changed over night; I went to sleep in one world and woke up in a new one.

Charlie Brown
Of those 5 stages of grief, acceptance wasn't included. However I'm all of the other four, fluctuating between them which has been exhausting. I would like to stay in denial, no matter how deluded it is, as anger is destructive, bargaining is useless as we're all helpless now; our part is done; and depression is unhealthy to say the least. But I would also like to add one more to that model: anxiety.

I have written about it before: I have lived with anxiety for half my lifetime now. One of the main causes is the fear of uncertainty. Not knowing what's going to happen is a real problem for me. Anticipation is my worst enemy. Once that's over, I'm fine, for example when I have to speak publicly; once I'm speaking, I'm generally fine, but beforehand, I'm a wreck. So as you can imagine, having nationwide uncertainty is my worst nightmare. The only thing worse would be to have worldwide uncertainty such as when, around the time I was first suffering with anxiety, 9/11 happened; I'll save universal uncertainty for the sci-fi epics.


Guardians of the Galaxy

Denial

On Friday the 24th of June, I was in a state of shock, teary, angry and anxious. On Saturday, I refused to deal with it and buried myself in denial, distracting myself with TV and films all day. So when it came to going to bed, it hit me like a shockwave. A tidal wave of anxiety hit. The flood gates opened. Sorry about those metaphors, but it's no exaggeration, it's what happened. I had a sudden and total panic attack, the worst in months, years even. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30am, keeping my brother up for hours until I felt stable enough to be alone; I was in a very dark place, fearful that what happened in Bruges was going to happen again: days of panic attacks all day every day, not eating or sleeping. I didn't want to go through that again, put my loved ones through that again, not being able to work so putting my colleagues through it again. I didn't want to be a burden, so you can work out where my mind took me and why I didn't want to be on my own. I was fine the next day, though extremely tired, and I'm fine now, but who knows with the days, weeks and months ahead how I'll react to the as yet unknown developments.

I Voted RemaIN
Now, a week later (is it only a week? It feels much longer), I still find myself, when I let myself think about it, with tears in my eyes and emotion taking over; just those "I voted RemaIN" stickers and badges and signs can set me off. So I don't think about it. I'm not burying my head in the sand and hanging on to false hope, because that way lies disappointment and I don't think I can take any more disappointment. I'm struggling as it is. Acceptance would save me from no end of grief. But why should I submit when so much is still up in the air? Why should I accept a result that was based on lies? Why should we consent to something based on such a tiny minority that even Nigel Farage wouldn't accept, before he won?

Nigel Farage

Anger

Disclaimer: I'm not angry that we (meaning Remain) lost. I'm not angry that Leave won. I'm angry that we all lost. I'm angry that a campaign full of lies, of false promises that have all been rescinded or reconfigured, of emotional and sentimental manipulation has won. I'm angry that Farage is parading his smug superiority all over the place, offending the EU. I'm angry that Boris basically campaigned for something he doesn't believe in to become the Conservative leader and therefore the PM and now he realises it's a poisoned chalice and that he has no support he isn't going to run for it. His statements about where to go from here prove that he wants what the EU offers without being in the EU. I'm angry that the hatred, infighting and blame culture has continued and has bled into the general population. Most of all, I'm angry that Cameron called the referendum in the first place; it wasn't needed, we weren't qualified to decide, he was just palming the decision off on someone else, shirking his responsibility, just as he has by resigning, as he didn't want to make it himself and was placating the dissenters in his now starkly divided party. It's destroying the Labour party. It has done what the BNP and UKIP have always wanted. And Cameron has blood on his hands; if it wasn't for the referendum, Jo Cox would still be alive. That's where my head is at right now.

Jo Cox memorial
I thought I saw myself as British first, English second and European third. But my reaction has proven it's not so clear cut. We may still be part of Europe, but we'll no longer have any real say in what happens. We've gone from being one of the biggest players and the most powerful to not having any power at all. We'll be the wallflower of Europe, there but not there, or even worse, not invited to the party at all. I've always been very proud that our little island is so prominent in the world of politics, economics and culture, but that position has been rocked by what we have done. When you're part of a team, one that you've been a part of for many years, that has done good work, but you've realised isn't working like it should anymore, then you shouldn't just throw it all away, throw away that history and undo all that hard work. When you're an integral part of a team, you must know the effect your departure would have, not just on the team, but on you too. We're starting to realise that yes, we put a lot of time, money and effort into the EU, but what we put in was more than paid back. No one seemed to realise how many European funds, grants, rules and regulations benefited us. It's going to affect research, joint projects and industry standards. It'll affect science, universities, industry, the list is endless. The effects are unquantifiable.

Anger from Inside Out
Facts that either no one thought about, barely mentioned, buried, put their heads in the sand about or no one took any notice of: we'll all have to have new passports, we'll have to go through the much-longer non-EU queue in the airport, number plates will have to change, we'll need a border here in Calais, Scotland will leave, Gibraltar will leave and there will be trouble in Ireland. The promises made will not be kept just like with every other political campaign. No one thought anything would happen this quickly, ignoring the unsurprising immediate hit to our currency, losing the cost of the NHS for an entire year in mere hours. Areas of England are asking for independence, not least the capital. So the idiots who made protest votes, revenge votes to stick it to the government, naive votes citing ignorance, those blindly saying that this is only short term, that there will always have been difficult short-term impacts and we just need to hold out for the long-term benefits, don't realise that it will be too little too late.

Bargaining

Even if we can call a second referendum, even if the politicians ignore the vote and remain anyway, even if Scotland can declare the referendum unconstitutional, the damage has been done. We will never get the money lost back. People have lost jobs. Reputations have been destroyed. Cameron will always be the one who broke us and the EU up and potentially lost Scotland from the UK. We've lost the United Kingdom and made sure Britain can no longer be called Great. I blame Cameron totally for this. He made us make a decision he didn't want us to make, but the nation didn't decide the way he expected us to. He was a coward and a coward again for resigning. That is why we should never have had this referendum in the first place; we weren't qualified to make this decision. We not only have a lack of knowledge and understanding, but we can't be objective. Take away all the supposed facts, contradictions, confusion, manipulation and downright lies, it was sentiment, pure and simple that caused this. It is criminal as votes were stolen.

Pleading kitten
The worst thing though is that foreigners who have chosen us as their home, second generation and third generation immigrants, anyone who even vaguely looks like they aren't British have become a target for abuse. The campaign and the result have shown that the (tiniest) majority of this country are self-centred and selfish, voting for the independence of our nation from the EU, not because we were being dominated or forced to do things against our will, but because we didn't want to be part of something bigger than ourselves anymore, that we're turning our backs on people that need our help, because we've chosen the lazy cowardly option, instead of standing up for ourselves and others and try to change the EU, we've simply left it and walked away and it's going to tear it apart. Instead of fixing something, we've consigned it as rubbish. We could never have walked away quietly. It was always going to have a worldwide impact. We fixated on ourselves, as a country and as individual people. We didn't know or care or want to think about what impact it would have on anyone else.

Disgust from Inside Out
It's allowed people to express their xenophobic and racist views as they feel they have been validated and legitimised now, racial abuse and hate crimes have increased since the referendum. It temporarily made me lose my faith in humanity, something that has been unshakeable up until now. Some people voted leave in the erroneous belief that all the immigrants will now have to leave, others because they were mislead by the leave campaign that we will be able to change our immigration policy. We can, but it means we'll probably have to leave the single market. The EU have said so as we can't pick and choose. We can't have the best of both worlds. So to reduce immigration, we'd have to suffer increased prices on products, which I doubt most people want and would be far more impactful than immigration to our daily lives.

There are areas which voted for leave the most that will be among the most negatively affected, economically and regulatory, by leaving the EU. It's a hideously broad generalisation, but one that is being reported in the media a lot, that the richer areas voted the most to remain and the poorer areas the most to leave, but with the inevitable economic uncertainty and highly potential recession, they will be hit the hardest by leaving the EU. Why did no one think of all this when they voted? In the same way, the stats show more young people voted to remain and more older people to leave. It's the young people who will have to live with this.

Sadness from Inside Out

Depression

I live in a bubble, a bubble of librarians who practically all feel the same way as me. I work in a university, which feels the same way as me. I work in a business school, which as a whole feels the same way as me. Having like-minded people around me has been a huge comfort to me. However it all feels false now. At parties, at work and at school, we all gravitate towards people we know, they introduce us to people they know and the cycle continues. Unless you make a conscious effort, in real life or on social media, you will talk to people who think and live like you. I am no longer in a bubble; it has been popped by those who voted leave. That bubble has been shielding me and even if I try and recreate it, there would be no point. I have seen and heard what's on the outside and I can no longer go back. I think you could say a small part of me is having an existential crisis.

Bubble burst
The emotional impact is not about the fact we're leaving the EU, it's more complicated than that. I've lost my home; I've lost the people I thought I was sharing this home with. I'll never look at other people the same way again, thinking did they vote leave and if so, why? It was an Auden "stop all the clocks" grief moment; how can you be walking around like nothing has happened, laughing and talking? Everything else seemed superfluous. Every conversation I have had since seems to lead back to the referendum, whether it's about Game of Thrones, Gilmore Girls or what we're having for dinner. If we had referendumitis before the vote, what do we have now? I have thought, like many people, about leaving, moving to Scotland like many Americans have threatened to move to Canada if Trump becomes President. But this is my home, though it doesn't feel like it anymore. There's no longer solid ground beneath my feet and everything's uncertain. Our world is changing, I woke up to a new world last Friday and it seems to be changing every day. The emotions I've been feeling are not because of the referendum, but what the referendum has revealed. The loss I'm feeling, it's the loss of a nation I thought I knew, but clearly didn't know at all.

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Ebooks: my past, present and future

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This is a chronicle of how I came to make my first presentation outside work and what happened when I did. It was for JIBS, now called SERIF, at their event on the 26th of February all about the future of ebooks.

First, the day; I'll start with the most interesting part and you can choose to read on if you're interested in my history with ebooks. You may have read my articles in CILIP Update already, but I've included them here in case. I'm not a comfortable speaker at the best of times, my brain goes too fast for my mouth and I'm much more articulate writing, but I do teaching sessions as part of my job, so it wasn't new to me and my presentation went as well as could be. I had my power dress on, the one I always wear if I can when teaching; it makes me feel confident. I don't like London and taking public transport, though I love trains, but everything went swimmingly, couldn't have gone better, that goes for everything all day. The venue was the UCL's Student Venue and it's a great place, with a swimming pool, bar and a library that's like no library I've ever been to with music and a table football table. I had a bad cold, one that had been lingering for weeks and I was worried my voice wasn't going to last the day, living off Airwaves so I could breathe and Strepsils so I could swallow without pain and to save my voice. I needn't have worried, though I was quite croaky on the way home, debriefing with Jayne, the ebooks administrator who came with me and who runs ebooks@cambridge.


There were talks from two publishers and two information professionals providing etextbooks and then there was me. I had severe imposter syndrome as Nic, the first publisher, has been working with ebooks for a long time and showed us the history of ebooks; Liz, the second publisher, really got down into the specifics of ebooks and how to create them; the two information professionals talked about how they're delivering etextbooks, Tif in a very assertive way working with the publishers and Catherine from the project perspective. Much of what I was going to say was covered by Tif and Catherine, but I told myself that I was coming from a different point of view and was going to say it in a different way, even if Catherine did use the same image as me on one of her slides (for the future, great minds think alike!) and Tif the same quote as the title of my dissertation. But as someone said to me, it's good to reiterate these things as it drives the point home and I certainly felt part of something at the end of the day; it's good to know everyone feels the same way about ebooks, it's comforting.

All the speakers were brilliant either in their content or delivery or both. You can see all the presentations on the JIBS website. Yes, I had the final slot of the day, but it was inspired as my presentation seemed to be a summary of all that had gone on before. My presentation is up on Slideshare, so you may want to look at it before you read on.

When I was asked to talk about the future of ebooks, I immediately thought about the past, I'm contrary like that. So I used history as my hook, my theme. It was basically a case study of our experiences, here at the Judge, but also as a university. The core ideas running through my presentation were: it's about choice, not forcing people to use ebooks but giving them the opportunity to use them as personally, I don't use ebooks but when forced to I have done as that was the only option available and I resented the fact I didn't have the choice as I'm a book lover, the feel of them, the scent of them, new books and old, and the look of them, but I know how useful they are to our students and value the importance of them in academia; that we're stuck in the present while also being in all time periods at once with ebooks: no ebooks, basic ebooks and ebooks tied to print; the unrealised potential of ebooks, this TED video from 2011 being a case in point. It's 5 years old now! I also had a little moan about things from us librarians' perspectives, from the publisher Pearson, the blame culture which persists us blaming publishers and publishers blaming us which doesn't get us anywhere and how we need to work together with publishers, between us and with faculty especially with reading lists, but overall about the lack of consistency.


So to my talk. It went by in a blur, but the moments leading up to it seemed to go on forever. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty and I couldn't remember what I was going to say. I suffer from anxiety, but I won't go into details as I've written about it in the past, on this blog too. Being the last person to speak on the day didn't help matters. For this reason, I had written prompt cards, but I didn't need them in the end. As soon as I saw my first slide, I was alright and all the symptoms faded into the background. Everyone laughed in the right places and got all the jokes, even the in-jokes I thought they wouldn't. There were nods of familiarity, they reacted to my questions and pauses for thought and even the slightly controversial bit I put in, deliberately in case no one was engaged, went over well. Some people even agreed with me that ebooks should cost more than print; Elizabeth, the JIBS chair, asked that exact question at the end to gauge opinion. My reasoning is that ebooks have more functions than print, and what I wanted to say, but didn't have time to, but someone helpfully commented afterwards, that some ebooks are the equivalent of more than one printed book, allowing more than one person to use them at a time so should be priced accordingly. So thank you, that man!

By far the most popular slide, as it was tweeted the most, was this one:

Jurassic ebooks
However the blue screen of death slide also got a good reaction, as well as the dark ages slide which was all black until the light bulbs appeared. I've made a Storify of my presentation, collating all the tweets about it.

There was a tea break straight after my talk and I had lot of people coming up to me, yes chatting to me and asking questions, but also to think at me. What I wanted to do and succeeded in doing beyond all my wildest expectations was to inspire and provoke thought, and judging by the stream of consciousness I provoked in quite a few people who wouldn't let me get in a word in edgeways even though they were talking to me, I definitely achieved that.


I wasn't nervous about the panel discussion at the end, mainly because there were other people with me who I could pass on to, and I did once as I didn't have anything to add to what had been said, agreed with the previous person and passed the microphone on! What surprised me, though it may have been just because I had done my talk just before, was that when answering the audience's questions, the other speakers referred back to what I said in my presentation, more than once. It was very gratifying and more than a little bit flattering. My imposter syndrome disappeared for good after that! The event ended and I was one of the last to leave because people still wanted to talk to me. I also got invited to do a presentation on ebooks for a CILIP event in Brighton, though I'm not sure anything will come of it, but it was nice to be asked. When I said I would have to think up another theme, she said there's no need, just do the exact same presentation! Like all events and conferences, it was a great networking opportunity.

Anyway, enough ego-boosting. Here is how I came to be mixed up in the crazy world of ebooks. I have been at my current job as an Information and Library Assistant at Cambridge Judge Business School, part of the University of Cambridge, for seven years now. In my first year, I was given the task by my manager of investigating an ebook platform: Dawsonera. I purchased a core collection of ebooks and have been administering them ever since. I quickly realised how important ebooks were for our students, allowing them access to the text when all the printed books were unavailable, but particularly for our distance learners. So when I did my library degree, it was only natural to write my dissertation on ebooks, which is now on academia.edu for you to read. I used a Stephen Fry quote as my title: "Books are no more threatened by Kindle, than stairs by elevators." Instead of concentrating on the user, I analysed the key people who ensure ebooks are used in the first place: suppliers, us librarians and faculty.

Rather than let all my research go to waste, I was urged to get it published. So I contacted CILIP Update and they were happy to publish it. The first one was made into a blog post, but I include all of the articles here. I want to thank Rachel Middleton, the editor of CILIP Update, who has allowed me to publish them freely on my blog and my LinkedIn page and commissioned the articles in the first place. Upon hearing my topic, she said it was too much for one article so we decided on a series of what became the four articles:








I have had a lot of good feedback about my articles as I tried to make them both entertaining and informative. Some of the comments I've had via email have mainly been about the quality of my writing, being an English graduate, a creative writer and an avid reader, I should hope so! "thank you for your succinct and well thought-out article...very readable and well-reasoned." There were some people who loved my geeky references: "it's a rare and treasured article in Update that has me laugh the smug laugh of the geek who got the reference." "The puns! The references! Your knowledge of and engagement with ebooks... this [article] proved to be a wonderful surprise with its humour and confidence." I believe in the power of the analogy as a good theme makes what you're saying more memorable and therefore it will sink in more. Twitter has been a great place for feedback too: "just read this article - lot of fun! (as well as informative). The force of ebooks has truly awoken." My favourite comment has to be this: "It was an invigorating read, and has made me want to learn more on the subject. Mission achieved." Off the back of those articles, I was asked to speak at the event. I didn't want to replicate the articles and simply present them, so I came up with a new theme. So that's you all up to date. A last word on ebooks, from Douglas Adams who arguably created the most famous ebook, albeit fictional:


I always think of this quote when dealing with a problem with ebooks as I believe ebooks were adopted too early; the technology wasn't ready yet, the suppliers weren't ready and we weren't ready to receive them. Now, what do you think?

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Jersey Boys: Silence is not Golden in this case

6 comments
I don't usually do this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, especially with film reviews as they're highly subjective. However when someone is incorrect, they're incorrect and I can prove it. Swearin' to God. I need to right a wrong, a wrong that is very close to my heart.

I've been a film reviewer so I kind of know what I'm talking about. I have done film reviews for my University newspaper, the Cambridge Film Festival (including interviewing the most important film director in Albania, but that's another excruciating story), websites such as Local Secrets and on community radio (Bums on Seats for Cambridge 105). I only gave up as it started to ruin my enjoyment of not just going to the cinema, but of watching films in general. I'm working my way back to it. Now I only go to the cinema when it warrants it, for valid 3D films, big tent pole releases and for films I just can't wait to see. Jersey Boys was an instance of the latter.

Jersey Boys
Jersey Boys is the story of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. I grew up on their music. My ears adored their music right from the first note. I used to sit as a child in front of my parents' stereo, cross-legged on the floor, wearing huge oversized bucket headphones that I had to hold to my ears as they were far too big, lost to the world. The dawn could go away for all I would care. I sat there for hours! Frankie's glorious voice washing over me, Nick Massi's bass voice making me laugh, the tunes sweeping me away and the lyrics, oh the lyrics. This music is the music of my childhood and I'd have "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" as my wedding song.


With this in mind, if there were anything wrong with the film, I'd be the first to pick up on it, with the music, the acting, the characterisation, the story and the singing, particularly the singing. I'm not the sort to blindly love anything. The sun ain't gonna shine on everything about anything. I saw the stage musical four years ago, on an icy December evening. Oh, what a night that was. So I'm in a good position, possibly a better position than most reviewers, to review Jersey Boys than any. Plus I wasn't feeling well and I've been waiting for this films for years, since the doorman at the Prince Edward Theatre mentioned that Martin Scorsese was in line to direct. So I was less inclined to be patient with any shortcomings, but in the perfect way that seems to happen when you're not feeling your best, you fall for something, someone hard. Jersey Boys is not perfect, nothing ever is, but it's still wonderful, a fact that the critics seem to have missed.

The London cast I saw
First to the downsides. In my opinion, the stage musical did a better job of making Tommy DeVito sympathetic, which is unusual as the film had more time and he was played by the only real film/TV actor in the quartet: Vincent Piazza. It might've been helped by the fact that the marvellous Jon Boydon played Tommy when I saw it on stage. Here he is with me looking like a silver star.

Me meeting Jon Boydon
The rest of the cast were great, including the only star Christopher Walken who is a self-confessed Frankie Valli fan and was clearly loving it. On stage, Tommy may have been the stand-out, on screen it was Erich Bergen as Bob Gaudio. He is someone to watch. Let's hang on to him. That is to take nothing away from the Frankies: Ryan Molloy on stage and John Lloyd Young on screen. The latter has been on Glee and has certainly graduated from that. They were nothing if not professional.

In the stage musical, after *SPOILER* Frankie's daughter dies, they used the beautiful song "Fallen Angel" which perfectly describes the emotion of the moment. However the film reprised the song Frankie sang to his daughter to get her to sleep. It made narrative sense, but I missed the inclusion of the song. "Rag Doll" only got a brief mention as well.

Lastly, there was no cameo for Oscar-winning actor Joe Pesci who as a young man was Tommy's dogsbody and introduced them to Bob Gaudio, who became their main songwriter. Ironically in later life, Tommy worked for Pesci in Las Vegas. He has a part in the film though. If Scorsese had made Jersey Boys, I expect Pesci would've got a bigger part and a definite cameo!

Joe Pesci with The Four Seasons
The reason why I'm writing this post is because of the majority of reviews, special mention goes to the exception the LA Times, mainly a BuzzFeed article from Alison Willmore (I have to name and shame her) and a two-star review from my beloved Times. Alison claims that Jersey Boys is a musical that doesn't care about music. This really got under my skin because on the contrary, the film and Eastwood obviously really care about the music. As Alison goes on to say, she wants a Mamma Mia style musical where the characters randomly burst into song for no reason, with big song and dance numbers. You want Mamma Mia? Well watch it again, or the soon-to-be-released Walking on Sunshine. This medley happens at the end in a glorious feel-good finale which harks back to the stage musical, reminiscent of a curtain call. But the point she misses about Jersey Boys is that it as much a biopic as a musical. Eastwood really cares about the music, grounding it in reality rather than trivialising it in the current trend of film musicals. The songs are naturally sung on stage, in the studio, impromptu on the street, down the phone to their producer and to the people in their lives. He puts the songs in context, sometimes giving you the story behind the lyrics; Jersey Boys is a biopic after all. The film and the musical aren't constructed around the songs, it is a biopic that includes their songs and is a musical in that sense. One of the most famous songs, "Sherry" is sung down a phone, but it is reprised later in a storming performance. The songs are woven into the narrative in a seamlessly intuitive way, not as an afterthought or a clumsy emotional bookmark.

Clint Eastwood with Frankie Valli
I for one am glad that they didn't go down the Grease angle, using it as a template. This would be entirely forgivable as Frankie Valli did sing the title track for the film. It could have been excruciating and that happy-go-lucky shallow feel doesn't lend itself to a story of the mob, fraud, betrayal, heartbreak, addiction and death. Jersey Boys is a true story of realistic people with real problems; nothing is manufactured.

One of the key problems as the critics see it is the narrative device of the characters speaking to the camera, narrating the film themselves, compounded by the fact that all but Tommy are stage actors taken direct from the stage musical. Rather than be a negative this actually becomes a positive. The stage actors know the material inside out, their parts are ingrained in them and they bring more naturalistic performances and addressing the audience adds much needed even laugh-out-loud humour (a Nick Massi ranting moment is a scene-stealer) and allows all the characters to have a voice rather than just the lead Frankie and the verbose Tommy. Gaudio's "Walk Like a Man" moment is quite brilliant.

Jersey Boys poster
For some reason, The Times reviewer Wendy Ide decides to criticise the singing, while admitting that John Lloyd Young, Tony award-winning on stage in the part of Frankie, is a "physical and vocal match" for Valli. Therefore criticising his voice makes no sense and belies the fact that she doesn't like the music. This is fair enough, but if you admit that the singing is spot on and you still don't like it, then don't blame the film for it as it's clearly just personal taste! Okay, Young may be pitch and note perfect, but he doesn't have the edge, depth, texture, warmth and humour of Valli. Playing the real Valli over the credits didn't help matters, but he was good enough for me which says a lot. Reviewers do your research! None of them seem to realise that this music is influential, innovative and wait for it, legendary. At the finish, Frankie and the others are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, this should surely be a signifier as to how special their music has become.

The cast with Frankie Valli
I just want to get all Jersey on the lot of these so-called film critics and whup them, smack them upside their heads! Don't you worry about me, I won't. I feel I know not just Frankie Valli, The Four Seasons and the music better, which I didn't think possible, but New Jersey better. It seems Janet Evanovich in her Stephanie Plum books has it right. You can't help but love the tenacity, loyalty and ferocity. The things I didn't pick up from the stage musical, I understood when watching the film, such as why the songs on my parents' CD had a triangle or a circle next to them: it indicates which were Frankie Valli and which were the Four Seasons.


I just want to thank my parents for introducing me to the glorious music of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, which has lasted and will last a lifetime. Who loves you and will always love you for that and many things. I may go years without listening to the music, but I will instantly get a rush from hearing it and instinctively start singing along, word perfect; this music is embedded in my heart and the lyrics ingrained on my mind. It is indelible music. I got very emotional watching Jersey Boys, the songs touching something deep within me. I didn't cry because big girls don't cry, but I was close. I also want to thank my brothers for introducing me to indie music: blur and the like. I also want to forgive my friends for introducing me to the likes of Boyzone, who I'm still loyal to by the way.

You're ready now to watch Jersey Boys and I'm not going to start beggin' you to watch it, but you'd be missing out on a great experience and some great music and ain't that a shame.

Monday, 17 March 2014

How to and how not to do your librarianship degree

8 comments
I have recently finished my MSc in librarianship, distance learning from Aberystwyth while working full-time. I tried to do it as quickly as possible, completing it in just more than two years. I did it the hard way, I always do things the hard way. I wouldn't recommend it as it damn near caused a nervous breakdown!

It occurred to me that I have a few other bits of advice to impart, some serious and some not so serious. For those of you contemplating doing a librarianship degree, distance learning whether from Aberystwyth or otherwise, this blog post may prove useful. For those of you currently doing your degree, I have broken it down into general MSc advice, as well as specific dissertation advice. And for those of you who have like me finished, you may chuckle in recognition. For everyone else, there's some pretty pictures of Aberystwyth.

My dissertation was on ebooks, looking at the attitudes of publishers, suppliers, faculty and librarians (the main influencers of the success of ebooks in academic libraries) rather than users; the University of Cambridge became a sort of case study. For those of you interested, here is my dissertation. It got a decent enough grade, but maybe reached too far and tried to encompass too much:
https://www.academia.edu/6393946/_Books_are_no_more_threatened_by_Kindle_than_stairs_by_elevators._The_impact_of_ebooks_on_printed_book_collections_in_University_of_Cambridge_libraries_Attitudes_of_librarians_faculty_and_suppliers

The statue on the hill

How not to do your MSc in librarianship

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while studying for your MSc/MA in librarianship. I did mine at Aberystwyth distance learning while working full-time. But I believe the lessons I learned are attributable to at least all distance learning courses, let alone beyond. These are hard-earned lessons through bitter experience.

DO NOT:

...spend time off. Work steadily and regularly.

...forget the people you met at study school. Regardless of how quickly they or you get through the course, they will be your benchmark, virtual friends and the people who understand what you are going through the most. If you don't meet these people at study school, or go to study school, find them in your local librarian community who have done/are doing the course. Cambridge is great for that. I won't list those that helped me, but they know who they are. I occasionally met up with another Cambridge librarian to talk about where we were at, rant about annoyances and generally catch up. Just knowing someone else is going through the same things as you is comforting and encouraging. It also helps with the distance side, not having lessons or lectures, no socialising with classmates and not having someone to talk to on a daily basis.

Me with the friends I made at the first study school
...on that note, avoid contacting the course leaders if you have any questions, no matter how small, via email or on the forums. Do use the forums and keep in touch virtually (social media is particularly useful. Facebook or Twitter via the #aberils hashtag) with classmates and other librarians, they are your most useful resource, not the electronic articles, textbooks and course packs.

...be scared of the blank page. It is a genuine phobia by the way: vacansopapurosophobia. Write something, anything. Once you start, you'll find it gets easier and better the more you write. You can always edit afterwards. There is no such thing as the perfect assignment, the perfect essay.


...stay at Pantycelyn, if you go to Aber. You will not get any sleep. The food is worse. The sleeping quarters are atrocious. The ablution facilities are bad bordering on dangerous. Trefloyne was the best place I stayed. But I also booked a lovely little hotel on the seafront for the last study school. However you'll need a car or try and catch the bus as the route to the library studies campus is up a steep hill.

...try to do it in 2 years unless you don't plan on having a life, enjoy hard work and have unshakeable determination.

...take on too much such as trying to solve long-standing mental problems, learning to drive and passing your test (5th time), while also trying to have a family life, going on holidays and holding down a full-time job.

...expect too much of yourself. You will run yourself ragged with the combined stress of family, work and study.

Castle hill
...make a mountain out of a molehill. Tackle the molehills, not the mountain.


DO:

...choose the right course for you. I don't know about Robert Gordon in Scotland, but with Northumbria you have to do it in 2 years and Aber you can do it in 2-5 years, which allows for much more flexibility. There are also part-time and full-time courses, of course.

...set yourself deadlines. Yes, there are marking deadlines, but they are almost impossible to stick to, particularly if you're a perfectionist like me. The only one that matters is the dissertation deadline, otherwise with all the hoops it has to jump through, you have to wait months for your mark to come back. You will set off with the best of intentions, especially after the study schools: to be the best you can be. But I can guarantee by the end of it, you will be saying "that will do."

Babe "That'll do, pig"
...heed the universe. If you keep coming up against barriers, frequently get writer's block or everything seems against you, the universe is trying to tell you something. Put it this way, if traffic lights keep changing to red just before you get to them, the universe is telling you to SLOW DOWN.

...expect to put on weight. I haven't ever weighed so much without medical intervention. This will happen specifically when you are writing the dissertation. It's from comfort eating, convenience foods and lack of sleep/stress.

...have a good work-life-studies balance. Get into a routine if possible. If you can't, do little and often. It's about regular work. Go with the flow. Whatever works.

Aberystwyth sunset
...remember life will always get in the way. Distance learning is tough as it encroaches on all areas of your life at all times, if you let it. It's not like a job which you can usually leave at your workplace; it comes home with you.

...realise procrastination is the enemy. Self-motivation is key and the hardest part about distance-learning especially. You will find any excuse not to work. There will always be one more chapter to read, one more episode to watch, one more chore to do. Do not give in.

The bluebell walk trip during the April study school
...take advantage of the opportunities offered at study school, such as the National Library visit and the bluebell wood walk in Aberystwyth.

...use Dropbox. It's invaluable. You can work wherever you are. All you need is an internet connection. You will always have an up-to-date version of your work. It will allow you to take advantage of any moment you have, any inspiration and any motivation. That said, make sure you keep a back-up as well.

Backup from Veronica Mars
 ...use Zotero. You can keep all your references and bibliography in one place. You can create folders to separate them according to each assignment or module. One click is all it takes in your internet browser (Firefox and Chrome at least) to save something. There is also a Word add-in so you can instantly add citations to your assignment and create a bibliography, using your chosen citation style. I always used APA. You will never lose a reference and you will never have to manually create a bibliography again.

...have good, supportive people around you, be they workmates, friends or family. They will act as cheerleaders, there to crack the whip and preferably to do the cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I didn't until my dissertation as me and my brother who I live with share all the chores, but you might be luckier. It means if you're on a roll, you can stay on a roll. Even in the depths of my dissertation I had to take time out to cook, clean and grocery shop as it was my turn.

...allow for downtime. Do something away from work, family and studies. I took refuge in books (paradoxically studying will reignite your love of reading, at least reading literature) and TV, as well as the aforementioned learning to drive and trying to solve my mental problems. For me it was particularly Glee, Once Upon a Time and How I Met Your Mother for the TV programmes, Anne of Green Gables, Jasper Fforde and Cornelia Funke for the books. Without downtime, you'll go mad. A special mention to Gilmore Girls who saved me after I finished.

The balloon I purloined from the 25th anniversary dinner
...have fun with it! Do things your own way. Do the modules that interest you as well as the ones that will further your career.

...lastly and simply, get enough sleep!

How not to do your dissertation

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while writing your dissertation for the librarianship MSc/MA.

DO NOT:

...do every kind of research under the sun: interviews, surveys, the literature review, statistical analysis. It takes a long time to create, arrange, do, analyse and write up everything.

Beautiful Aberystwyth
...try to finish it under a strict deadline. More so than any other of your assignments, you will find dissertation time frames are unreliable, intangible and ephemeral.

...take a week off to try and write the bulk of the dissertation, in a heat wave, in England, in the summer. As you know, that almost never happens. So your dedication to your work will flutter away into the sunshine.

...ignore a wrist problem. All that writing, typing and mouse work will have their toll on your poor old wrist. It will only get worse, so let it have a break. If you must continue, get appropriate wrist support.

From the funicular railway
...accidentally ignore your supervisor's advice, creating a hybrid structure of the social science and thematic model. They are there to advise you. They know what the markers are looking for, so you must do as they say, or argue your point with them and in your dissertation.

...get sick at the wrong time, just as you are on the final stint of your dissertation. Not only is it extremely inconvenient, it saps your strength, energy and motivation.

...falter at the last hurdle, thinking "yes! It's almost over". It ain't over until it's over.


...write down all the things you want to do afterwards, so you will have a list when you've finished. It only adds pressure and makes things harder, looking at all the much more fun and entertaining and useful things you could be doing. Your librarianship MA/MSc is useful and sometimes fun too.

DO:

...think about your dissertation right from the very beginning of your course. You can be gathering research as you go, thinking about the topic and how you will go about it. And yes, you do need to have at least a shortlist of topics before the dissertation study school and ideas about the research methods you could use.

...get as few people involved in your dissertation as possible, only who you need. It just adds unnecessary pressure.

...print off and proofread your dissertation in paper format. My dissertation went through 3 people before I printed it off. By reading it in print rather than on screen, I found a few typos, incidences of repetition and mistakes and then my proofreaders found far more. One of the markers still found a minor mistake, despite it having gone through 7 people other than me!

Camera obscura image of Aberystwyth
...ask someone who is not a librarian and knows nothing about your subject to do the proofreading. My parents were brilliant at finding grammar and punctuation errors, parts that needed more explaining and consistency mistakes.

...choose a topic you're interested in, know something about already and won't send you doolally after months of work. You want to be sane by the end!

...plan something for when you finish, don't just go on holiday. You will go from being really ridiculously active to nothing otherwise. There will be a crash, I guarantee it, so if you have a project to do, TV series to watch or anything really, it will mitigate the effects.

So that's my advice. Do with it what you will. If you want more advice, the excellent Library Wanderer has written more articulately on the same subject. N.B We both came up with the Babe reference separately. Good luck!