What makes me, me

For those of you who know me, I don't know your impressions of me. I'm not great at looking at myself with an objective eye. I can seem calm, but that's only due to excessive self-control or pretence due to years of managing an anxiety disorder. I can seem confident, not least due to my taste in clothes (people have recognised me by my colourful leggings), but I'm not really. Above all, I am seen as kind, which I hope is true! However all of that masks an almost complete lack of self-esteem, mainly due to what happened to me at school, from the age of 10 onwards. I think it deserves a post to itself, though I have talked about this before on my blog, some excerpts are included below. However it's telling that the posts I have included my bullying experience in are about belonging, inclusion and the TV programme 13 Reasons Why, for obvious reasons:

Confidence is a big thing for me as I actually have none, I just give good pretence. I masque it in many different ways and actually go to the extreme sometimes trying to show my confidence, which can be a bad thing. I find it difficult to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness, but I'm getting better at it. Conversely showing vulnerability is easy for me. It's just on a professional basis, career progression and such, I don't want to show it. It's caused by prolonged childhood bullying, abandonment issues and obviously my mental health issues.

7-year old me, introduced to Sangria

At primary school, a wonderful school; it wasn't their fault, they did all they could, all any school can; at the age of 10, I experienced my first sustained bullying. Up until then, I had a best friend and various groups of friends I hung around with. I went to their birthday parties and I was part of several groups, even the cool kids. I was basically included everywhere, apart from the boys of course! Afterwards, I only really had my best friend and this intense attachment broke our friendship up, but gradually over many years. I don't blame the others, it's the way schools are; one person gets singled out for being different; for me it was my glasses, intelligence and awkwardness; the others join in or don't want to side with the one being picked on as they may get picked on too. I thought I had got away lightly as it was nothing particularly terrible as it was only really name calling and intimidation and nothing physical. But thinking back, I should have realised it was the exclusion that was the worst thing; it's the worst thing about any bullying: the alienation, the loneliness and watching the world from the sidelines.

So where the bully lead, pretty much everyone else followed. They didn't bully me, they just excluded me, stopped inviting me to things, hanging around with me and finally, talking to me, apart from taking advantage of my intelligence to help with schoolwork, which I gladly gave them because at least they were paying attention to me! I was persona non grata. I was invisible. When my parents found out and alerted the school, things got a little better. But the damage to my relationships, forget friendships, with my classmates was irrevocable and they were never the same from thereon in. When we started secondary school, I hoped things would change, but they didn't, even with the bully in the other half of the school, so no chance of any classes with them, found ways to still bully me; everyone moved on.

Who wouldn't want to befriend me..!

That was the thing, the bully was one of my closest friends. I had recently gone to a sleepover round their house and not a group sleepover either. Then suddenly they turned on me. So, it wasn't just the exclusion that was the problem, it was the withdrawal of inclusion. For the rest of my life, throughout my friendships, professional relationships, let alone personal ones, I have always been on tenterhooks, not getting too close for fear of future exclusion.

It was only a year until secondary school, so I handled it by retreating to the library, the one place the bully wouldn't go and therefore find me. It's why libraries are the one place, apart from home and religious buildings, even ruined ones, despite not being religious, where "my soul can rest".

I tried to move on, but I still saw the bully in the halls who'd take any chance they could to pick on me. When others saw, they caught on and it allowed various others to bully me. It was tacit permission to bully. I was bullied for 6 years, non-stop. One constant bully and several others along the way, usually name-calling, taking my stuff, blocking my path, goading and teasing. The usual, for girls anyway. It only once turned physical, but I backed down. I confronted my bully years later over Facebook and she said she didn't realise that what she was doing was having such an impact on me, despite my parents reporting her to the school and them taking action, but anyway. Plus she even bullied my Mum, a 10-year old bullying an adult! One of my bullies apologised, years later of course, and if he didn't become a friend, he at least gave me a lollipop as a peace offering, while he was drunk and at a nightclub. However bullying isn't just about the people involved, the bullies and the victims, it is also about the people who stand by and do nothing; it is not just about what people do, it's about what people don't do. To paraphrase Edmund Burke: bullying prevails when good people do nothing.

When I was bullied, it happened before the age of social media, mobile phones and the internet. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had to go through what I went through now. The teasing and name-calling wouldn't have just happened in the playground, in the classroom and on my way home, it would have come by text message and on social media. Photos would have been taken and shared around. Rumours would have been spread almost instantly. There would have been no escape; I had safe places like the library at school and my home, but now, there is nowhere safe. I honestly don't think I would have made it through.

I've always thought I have low self-esteem and I've always known it stems from the extensive bullying I experienced at school. It's common for those who are and were bullied to think they deserved it. However I know now it's more about the bully than the bullied. You're an easy target because you're different, and I certainly was, even if it's just because you wear glasses, which I did, you're smart, which I am and was clearly so back then, or you weren't into the cool things like make-up, boybands and clothes, which I wasn't and now I'm proud that's the case. I had my whole world turned upside down when I was 10: a girl who I thought I was friends with turned all my other friends, bar one, against me. I became a social pariah and she picked on me constantly, calling me names, goading me, backing me into corners both literally and figuratively. I know now she had a troubled homelife and was probably envious of mine. But I'll never know why for sure and that's what gets to me the most. The school became involved when my parents finally got it out of me, and she backed off, only to start again at secondary school, but I could avoid her more there. Then another bully came along; she was insecure, but popular, a bad combination and wanted to assert her power. The third was a boy, the new boy in school, so it was easy to see why he did it: to fit in. The fourth and fifth together just mocked me for my looks; I didn't care about fashion or make-up, they didn't like that as they were all about being cool. And so it went on.

How unconvincing is that smile?

Knowing that now, that it wasn't really about me, doesn't help the deeply ingrained character traits I struggle with to this day, mainly to do with friendships and relationships. The article linked to below has made me realise how much of an impact it has had on my entire life, but that I've already taken steps to improve it including therapy again, for the fifth time, sixth time if you count hypnotherapy. It's no longer a constant battle in my head, mainly thanks to my self-awareness, DBT spin doctoring and the people closest to me being supportive, patient and understanding. Not all of the article rang true, but if you recognise any of the things I'm about to talk about, you may want to read it: https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-common-patterns-of-low-self-esteem

I learned a lot about my why, due to the bullying I experienced and three of the friends I developed afterwards leaving my school in three success years, plus my best friend drifted away from me the year after that. I didn’t experience secure attachments as a child and now don't expect them. It caused these patterns of behaviour due to low self-esteem and abandonment issues, despite having a stable home life.

Afraid to take risks

I often daydreamed about changing, but I didn’t go much further than that until recently and now I'm taking leaps and bounds, mainly because I now have a place and people I feel I belong with. A lack of self-belief gives me an overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope and over-valuing the opinion of others. My coping skills were doing the job and no more, they kept me firmly in my comfort zone where I'm safe. I still battle with wanting to stay where I feel safe.

You know what happens when you never leave your comfort zone? Life can become mundane and sad, and leaving it becomes scarier and scarier. Yet the longing becomes stronger. You become stuck. I am no longer stuck.

People-pleasing

I say yes too much and care more about other people’s needs than my own. I go out of my way to avoid conflict. I chase people’s approval, wondering if people like me, not taking risks. It feels ordinary, and it protects me from confirming my biggest fear: no one wants me. I protect myself and my time more now, knowing I can say no without fear of pushing people away.

Me on a photoshoot, ironically
when I was least confident

Feeling lucky or grateful

I had niggling thoughts or feelings telling me that I deserve more, but I was comfortable with good enough. I felt a constant longing for more: more love, more fun, more understanding… more. When you don’t value yourself, you believe you don’t deserve more and could never have more. This is where imposter syndrome comes in regarding my professional life. But now I have more and I'm living more in the moment, enjoying it.

Neediness

I have improved on unhealthy patterns when it comes to trying to maintain certain areas of my life. I no longer want things to stay the same. I used to want friends to stay single, for fear they will leave me. That broke up one of the best friendships I ever had. It's why I don't have close friends at all, but with the ones I have made since and will make in the future, I don't and won't feel that way. In these situations, anxiety can be overpowering. I used to be irrational at times: sulky, needy, ignoring, pushing and pulling, anything. I can still take things too personally, get defensive and see change as a form of rejection, and I definitely underestimate my ability to be okay. I am a lot better now, but I still don't know what new situations will trigger this behaviour and anxiety.

Doings things I don’t want to do

I used to behave in ways that are not aligned with my values and who I really am. I have a much stronger sense of self now. I have never hidden my real interests, though I did downplay my geekiness, now I literally have it on show. But I did have to cut out a whole group of friends because I didn't like myself when I was around them. I knew it while I was joining in their activities, and I came away from situations feeling like I have had all my joy sucked out of me. When you don’t appreciate yourself, you don’t consider that people will like you even when you have different interests.

Haunted

Worrying and overthinking things

Sadly I still spend time worrying about what I've said and questioning if I've offended anyone. I dwell on past mistakes even years later. It's a symptom of anxiety, particularly social anxiety. This interrupts tasks that need to be done and steals happiness from my current moment.

I seek reassurance and misinterpret other people’s words and actions, thinking they are upset with me. When you don’t love yourself, you find it hard to believe anyone else does and you hold onto a fear they will leave you. But when you find the right people, the right person, this is no longer such a problem.

Blocking people out easily

I am trying to improve on this as I still avoid letting people get too close. I no longer see the worst in people, judging them, or assuming they will leave soon anyway. I have cut ties before with someone as they said one thing I didn’t like. We were drifting apart anyway and I thought it would be easier and less painful than the slow drawn out death of our friendship. I was wrong. But I still believe what they said was wrong, I just didn't give them a chance to explain and listen to me.

When it comes to friends, if you can break down my wall, you are in. But I was (and sometimes still am) a bit on edge, convinced people will see through me. Convinced they don’t really like me, or I’ve said or will say something to upset them. I think that they think I’m boring, inferior, or selfish.

If a guy liked me, I would run away, literally in one case; I would come away from a date and complain that the smallest thing was wrong, giving me an excuse to stay single. Then you have the guys that didn’t see me. As soon as I got wind that a guy was unavailable, he would become the focus of my attention, anyone available, I would back off, find a reason not to get involved.

Typically, I avoid social gatherings, meeting new people, and second dates. But I find myself jealous of my friends having other friends. If you don’t value yourself, you assume others will not value you, and so rather than risk being hurt, you just don’t let them in.

One of my favourite photos of me ever, mainly for the guy
next to me, but I'm so happy!

I didn't combat these things overnight. I have people in my life that I sometimes resent, but they get me out of my comfort zone. I am less of a hermit, developing friendships and even a relationship. I'm managing the anxiety side of things, though the one guaranteed situation to cause anxiety is dating. With the self-awareness I now have, I don't read too much into decisions and situations anymore.

In finding this post and editing it to finally publish it, I've cut quite a lot out because things have changed, I've moved on in many ways and I've updated it. But I've kept this outdated line:

"I hope to have heathier connections with people in the future. I just have to find some now!"

I have found many more connections since writing this post initially, which I believe was 2021 during the pandemic, mainly because I changed jobs in 2023. They have all been healthy connections, some more healthy than I could have ever imagined possible for me and by me. It's been uplifting to find this post again as it's shown me how far I've come!

Feeling the weight

I've written about hard subjects before, just take a look at my previous posts about anxiety, panic attacks and the EU referendum! But this is one of the hardest, maybe the hardest, at least for me. It may not seem that way when you read it, but this is a blog post I never thought I would have to write, about a subject I never thought would affect me. But affect me it has and it has hit me hard. I'm annoyed at myself because it feels like it's mostly my fault.

How thin do I look? I can't have been healthy!

I am close to being overweight, almost 11 stone, when for most of my adult life, I've been around 9 stone. Now I don't want to go back to that weight as I think it was unhealthy. However I reckon I have put on a stone and a half over the past year or so, I feel unhealthy with it and I should lose that. Luckily I can fit into most of my clothes still because I wear leggings, but I can't wear my jeans anymore. If I carry on like this, I'll have to go up a dress size. I have no excuse, but I have reasons. To try and make sense of why this has happened, to come to terms with it and hopefully do something about it, I'm writing this blog post.

I will have to go back to my childhood to explain. I was never interested in bad food: fast food, burgers, takeaways. I prefer simple food, simple ingredients, unadulterated meals. I'd choose a salad over a McDonalds. I don't like sauces, not even ketchup on my chips. I'm more interested in fruit and veg than sweets and cake. In fact, the first time I was off school sick, it was because I ate too much fruit! Even now, I can't walk past a fruit bowl without being tempted. When I was a teenager, people used to joke I was anorexic and I took it as a compliment. They'd pick me up, exclaiming how light I was. I was proud of it! But I never courted it. I just wasn't interested in food, never was. I'm still not really interested. I eat to live.

I love fruit, all fruit, even exotic fruit like snakefruit (right)

Things changed when I turned sixteen when my anxiety hit and I started having panic attacks. My life spiralled out of control. I went from having little appetite to having none at all. I still don't really have an appetite as such. I developed an eating disorder where I found it difficult to eat. It was both a symptom and a way of coping with my mental health problems, trying to control something when I couldn't control anything else. I stopped eating altogether at one point because it was easier than fighting through what I called the upchuck reflex. My friends had to forcefeed me when I started shaking uncontrollably. Since then, I haven't had a normal relationship with food, not liking eating in public for instance. My appetite, what there is of it, is the first thing to go when I'm ill, mentally or physically. When I can't eat fruit, I know it's serious. It's become a canary in a coal mine for me.

Now I have a handle on my anxiety, which used to sap my appetite, I have to deal with one. I must have had one before my anxiety hit, but that was more than 20 years ago and I don't remember. So when people learn to manage their appetite from childhood to adulthood naturally, I've had to deal with it all at once, which has been a bit much.

This is me under there!

However, apart from sugar cravings during that time of the month, I've been managing pretty well. That's why putting on so much weight is a surprise to me. It started before lockdown, before I knew I had endometriosis, which makes me bloat. My weight shot up on medication for my balance problem, but it went back down when I stopped taking it. That was the first time I went over 10 stone. I'm now on medication for the endometriosis and putting on weight is a side effect, but not to this extent and I'd prefer to take the tablets as the benefits outweight the weight gain. They've stopped the sugar cravings for one!

Due to my balance problem, I don't sleep well; I often wake up in the night and I sleep very shallowly, so anything can wake me. Sleep problems can make you put on weight, or more prone to putting on weight.

Me asleep(ish)

I'm not a great one for exercise and with lockdown, I'm currently only going in to work once a week; my cycle commute is my only real exercise, which was enough before, but it seems no longer. I will have to start exercising properly, which will be hard and I'll have to be careful what sort of exercise I do because of my balance problem. I definitely need to improve my cardiovascular health. The other thing is when I exercise. It takes me an hour to even get moving every morning; to say I'm not a morning person is an understatement. Vertigo upon waking due to my balance problem makes me groggy, so exercising before work is out. I'm knackered after a day working and exercise will knacker me further, for the usual reasons, but also my balance problem makes most physical things tiring. So I'm going to start at weekends and see how I go.

When I could fit in a dress like this

I don't eat unhealthily, but I do rely on ready meals and frozen meals at least once a week. The weird thing is, I eat the same thing as my brother; he has larger portions and eats more chocolate bars than me, but exercises less than me; even on our lunchtimes walks, he dawdles, whereas I try to keep the pace up; and his weight has barely changed.

Stress can do weird things to the body, to the hormones and goodness knows we've had enough stress lately. But I thought I was coping with 2020 okay, surprisingly well given my history of anxiety, including all the mental whiplash when things kept changing and first I was going to go in to work 2-3 days a week, then 4 days, and now one day a week. I had a few wobbles in the beginning, but maybe underneath I'm not coping so well.

One of my favourite photos of me, with my nephew Thomas

So between my endometriosis, balance problem and anxiety, which all cause the insomnia, that may be the reason behind my weight gain. This means it's not as much my fault as I thought. But the biggest cause is probably my age. I noticed a difference in my metabolism when I entered my 30s. I guess I can't eat what I'm used to eating without consequences anymore. So even though I haven't changed my diet any over the last few years, maybe even being a little healthier, I'm going to have to now. However with my history of an eating disorder, caused by the need for control, I'm going to have to be careful. I'm cutting sweet things out of my diet, which is no hardship, it's been easy over the last few days. I mostly eat them when I'm bored or watching TV. But I'm going to miss my Mum's flapjacks and scones. Then I'm going to build up to fewer carbs like bread (which I adore), pasta and rice. But I know it's bad to cut out food groups altogether, so everything in moderation. I will try to eat more vegetarian meals as well, I tend to choose them off the menu anyway. So all signs point to the fact that changing my diet should be relatively painless.

Turning 30

The first step has been getting over myself, stopping feeling sorry for myself and thinking this is temporary. I'm going to have to do all this as the trend in my weight has been steadily increasing; it's only going to go one way and will continue that way unless I do something. I have to lose the identity of my younger self who could eat anything and stay thin. I should also eat more slowly: due to my eating disorder, I ate fast to beat the upchuck reflex, otherwise I would have ended up eating nothing. That habit has stuck and I don't need it anymore.

I'm going to have to strike a fine balance between the problems exercising with a balance problem and changing my diet with an anxiety issue, but I'm up to the task. I'm the little girl who stopped biting my nails because I hated the way they looked, just like that. I decided to stop, so I did. I'm the teenager who stopped drinking alcohol because I knew I was drinking to drown my anxiety, so after my third hangover, I stopped. I now only drink on special occasions like celebrations and then only a few sips to be social. I got over a breakdown and am managing my anxiety. I've dealt with two chronic illness diagnoses and live with the symptoms daily. I can beat this too. All I need is an incentive like I've had before and one look in the mirror at the body I don't recognise anymore and one walk upstairs which makes me out of breath, that's enough incentive to be getting on with.

The most body confident I've been, taken by Dave Amann

To mask or not to mask

I have always been a law-abiding citizen and technically I still am. So why do I feel guilty? Because I didn't wear a mask in a shop. No one questioned me or even gave me a sideways look, though I felt very self-conscious and paranoid that everyone was glaring at me. Luckily, the supermarket where we do our weekly shop is Sainsbury's and they aren't enforcing the regulations unlike other shops. I want to thank them for not even confronting me for not wearing a mask, as it did cause me anxiety not to wear a mask and it would have made it worse being questioned. Just in case, I downloaded an exemption notice from the government website, planned a speech and rehearsed conversations I might have if asked: it's a symptom of social anxiety, I rehearse phone conversations routinely. I have anxiety enough not wearing one, believe me. But to wear a mask would have been far worse anxiety-wise; in the government's exemption terminology, it would have caused me severe distress. There were others who were unmasked, but they may have had a legitimate reason for being exempt like me. I just hope people don't abuse their compassion. It didn't help that I have been comparing people who do not wear a mask when they should to anti-vaxxers. It's the same principle; you are protecting others by wearing a mask and those who don't are relying on those that do to stay healthy.

Exemption notice

I will wear a mask if I'm nipping in and out of a shop or if it's a small place and I won't be spending much time there, but for larger places, I can't wear a mask. It's not that I don't want to, I really wish I could. It's that I fear what will happen if I do. When the announcement was made, an announcement I was dreading, I tried a mask out, when I picked up my prescription from the pharmacy and on a short car journey. Each was in a very controlled environment, but I felt claustrophobic, as if I couldn't breathe in properly, which is a major problem for someone with anxiety. It's one of the more minor symptoms of my anxiety disorder, usually, but I don't like feeling constricted; I don't like wearing scarves, I don't wear polonecks and when I feel anxious, I have to take off anything that makes me feel my breathing is being restricted, from jewellery to underwear. I never thought it would be an issue, but in these times, it has become one. I hate scenes in TV programmes and films where someone has to take their clothes off when they're having a panic attack, the classic is when they're stuck in a lift, but it is based on fact. So if I have that reaction to things around my neck, imagine how something over my mouth and nose makes me feel. I know masks have no effect on breathing, but anxiety cannot be reasoned with. For some people, masks are uncomfortable, for me, it can induce a panic attack.

I go out to one shop once a week to buy our groceries from the supermarket. I drive and my brother comes too to do our parents' weekly shop. We take 45 minutes or so to do the shopping, it's too much time for me to wear a mask. A few times during lockdown, I have been close to a panic attack due to anxiety about being around other people, fear of catching the virus yes, but not only due to my mental health, but also my physical health. I have a vestibular disorder which means my senses can get overwhelmed by seemingly innocuous factors and supermarkets exacerbate that: the neon lights, the rows of stacked shelves, other people moving about.

I was on the verge of a panic attack once, so much I feared I wasn't able to drive, this would have meant our shopping and our parents' shopping would be ruined. I took a deep breath before turning the engine on and then again when we got home. I know if my parents knew I felt this way, they would instantly say that they will do their own shopping from now on, but I am not prepared to put them at risk; they would be at greater risk as most people do not social distance once they are going round the shop, just queueing outside and at the tills.

This almost panic attack was before we had to wear masks. People will tell me to try wearing a mask and see how I go, find one I feel comfortable with. I have tried and not one makes me feel anything less than I cannot breathe properly and any symptom of a panic attack can bring on a panic attack with me, even increased heart rate from exercise or excitement. So the longer I have to wear one, the worse I feel and the more likely a panic attack will happen and the more I have to do while wearing one, the worse it is for me. With the added overwhelming of the senses, brain processing I have to do in the supermarket and the risk factor of having to drive afterwards, it is too much for me to wear a mask. You can put cool images on them and it will make me feel no different, even the one with Gandalf wearing a mask saying "you shall not pass" to the virus.

The Gandalf coronavirus face mask, available from Etsy among other places

Once I stop working from home, I don't know what will happen, but my workplace is investigating visors instead of masks, so I'm hopeful. I wish I could wear a mask, I really do. I believe in masks, I believe we should have been wearing them long before. I want to protect others by wearing one, but I cannot do so without severely affecting my mental health and during this time, I have had to protect it and will continue to have to for many months and maybe years to come. People with mental health conditions walk a tightrope, they know that one slip could send them on a downward spiral, and those are very hard to recover from. Even if I'm okay one time, it doesn't mean I will be the next. Mental health can be unpredictable like that. I have to be selfish here, but I have a legitimate reason to be, those who don't, please wear a mask.

My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

The chronicles of Nadiya, anxiety and me

Anxiety and Me. Me and anxiety. It's strange seeing it written like that as for a long time, it was me vs. anxiety. However Nadiya's Anxiety and Me programme has given me new perspective on something I thought I knew everything about. I've been living with it long enough! Sometimes in my life, it was Anxiety with a capital letter as it felt like another being, a thing separate from me trying to take over. Sometimes anxiety felt like a permanent part of me, lurking in the background. But it's something that's always there, no matter how much a handle I have on it. The trick is not to treat it as a battle, not to be a victim suffering from it and not to look for a cure. It will always be anxiety and me.

Anxiety makes you feel crazy, you're not

This post has been prompted by watching Nadiya's programme, but it's not about her as a person, famous as the winner of The Great British Bake Off (GBBO), or about her work. I'm not going to go through reviewing everything she's done on Bake Off and beyond. Nadiya Hussain is an incredible person. I will get that out the way. I admire her. I loved her on GBBO. I have seen all she has done since or have it recorded to watch later. I had to call this post partly The Chronicles of Nadiya, as one of the first programmes she did after GBBO had that title and I thought it was genius. I hope she was the one to come up with it. I'm here to write about her most recent programme about anxiety.

Anxiety gives you tunnel vision

While I am not writing this post as a salutatory tribute to Nadiya Hussain, it will be salutatory as she has done incredible things all while living with crippling anxiety. It started when she was at school and despite all that, she has had an arranged marriage, fallen in love, had three children, was a contestant on a major TV show in Bake Off, won it, done numerous TV programmes and travelled the world. If you haven't seen Anxiety and Me, watch it: https://t.co/br19tfDwdq. It'll only take an hour of your life and there's still time left to watch it, but not long.

You are not alone

The reason I want you to watch it is it will give you an insight into what my life is like, at least sometimes. Nadiya is living my life of 10 or so years ago. It's shown me how far I've come, how much of an impact it had on all areas of my life and how strong I was back then, though I felt myself weak at the time and still do to some extent. It has also shown me things I didn't notice I do that are related to my anxiety; I've decided to own it as it will always be a part of me and because everyone's experience of anxiety is different.

Anxiety can make everything feel a bit much

I knew I had to be in the right mind, the right state and the right moment to watch it. I was right! There were moments where I felt uncomfortable, because of what was being shown and described, but also due to the revelations I was having. Watching Anxiety and Me did make me feel anxious at times as well. For some who aren't as far along in their recovery, it should come with a trigger warning, especially when Nadiya describes her symptoms and the bullying she went through.

It took me a while to write this as I didn't know what to focus on. Should I dwell on the similarities and differences between our experiences of anxiety? Should I cover the symptoms, the background or both? Should I talk about how I got through it and Nadiya's therapies? Each would be helpful and the more we talk about it, the more commonplace it will seem, allowing us to get past the stigma. Anxiety is a personal thing and everyone's experience is different, but there are commonalities.

Anxiety is not obvious to everyone else

The internet is great for the symptoms: try the NHS, Mind and Anxiety UK. I've written posts about the physical effects and history of therapies. But there is varying help on the internet and no self-help cure. A professional must be consulted, using a combination of methods. Locals to Cambridgeshire can get help by self-referring to the NHS's CPFT service, which was the breakthrough for me.

The first step is talking to someone about it, whether it's a family member, colleague, friend or a stranger if that's easier. If you've been living with anxiety for some time, been through therapy, medication and other methods, but you're still struggling like Nadiya, enough hasn't been done. It's hard when you're tired, but continue to force the issue. Anxiety isn't a battle, but getting help can be.

The spiralling thoughts of anxiety

What is important is that people like Nadiya sharing their stories help others, not only in terms of recognising their own mental health issues, and encouraging them to get help, but also showing how much you can achieve despite the difficulties. It's truly inspirational.

The programme and Nadiya are proof that mental health issues aren't down to weakness, they show strength. There's strength in living with anxiety and still continuing to live your life, hold down a job and maintain relationships.

Repeat it. Anxiety isn't weakness. Living with anxiety takes strength that many can't even imagine.

In the dark times, that makes for a great mantra.

What I do when having a panic attack

N.B. All the images in this post are copyright free taken from Unsplash and Pixabay. They are my favourites when I did a simple search for anxiety, but there are some terrible and downright shocking ones out there, so many stereotypes and tropes!

End of an era

Two things came to an end recently, the obvious one being Game of Thrones (GOT), but the other is no less significant. I'm lucky in that I've been born in a time where I've grown up with a few cultural constants in my life. My brothers were of the Star Wars generation, which at the time was a cultural revolution, no hyperbole involved. No one thought it could happen again, but it did. I was the Lord of the Rings generation, which was extended with The Hobbit films. I much prefer being in this generation as, for a start, they are far better written! They became another cultural touchpoint. But arguably, both of these franchises have been far surpassed by the MCU (Marvel Comic Universe) generation. I may have been an adult by that time, but comics hark back to childhoods and the geeks had by now inherited the earth, when they were sneered at with Star Wars. Now there is the Game of Thrones generation. It may be a TV series rather than a film series, and there are quite a few cultural constants of that kind which escaped the echo chamber of their audiences such as Doctor Who, Lost and 24, but it has had a far reaching impact, not Harry Potter level impact though, mainly because children can't watch it!

The Dark Hedges, Northern Ireland

Cultural constants, cultural phenomenons, cultural touchpoints, whatever you want to call them are important because they become the through-line of our lives. Cultural constants have to surpass their viewers, meaning even people, the general populous, who don't watch it or even engage with it know more than they want to about it. Today, they become memes. This may seem frivolous, but it means they have been taken out of context, while remaining an in-joke for those in the know, and they have become a wider phenomenon. When you literally grow up with something or it becomes the background to a major period in your life, your attachment to it is permanently embedded. There is a longer post in this.

Map of Westeros

Attachment to cultural constants mean it's all the more painful when they come to an end. When pop bands split up, young people sob in the streets because it's like a rug being pulled from under you, a rock has been taken away, the foundations removed that you had been unconsciously relying on. Even years afterwards, when you thought you had moved on from it all, you can still be affected by it. For instance, when Stephen Gately from Boyzone died, I was very emotional for days. I hadn't listened to one of their songs since I was a teenager when I listened to their albums on repeat, but with his death, it felt like a piece of my childhood had gone with him.

Jon Snow Pop! Vinyl figurine

The difference with Star Wars, the MCU and Game of Thrones is they will continue, in a different guise of course in the form of prequels, sequels with new characters, books, TV series and on to a new phase. Allowing the audience the time to theorise, to talk amongst themselves, to band together created a cultural juggernaut in Game of Thrones as it ensured they could experience something collectively, even if it's online. Online communities are powerful in creating an upswell in audience loyalty, just ask Supernatural fans. When that series comes to an end after 15 seasons next year, I'm sure I will have to release my feelings as the fans have become family, as well as the awesome cast.

The Evenstar pendant

Talking about releasing feelings, I was still at school when the first Lord of the Rings film came out and I was in the grip of crippling anxiety. I had a panic attack during the moment the hobbits were being sniffed out hiding under a tree. I take it as a blessing in disguise as it was my friend's birthday; I wouldn't have gone out of choice. I read the books, saw The Fellowship of the Ring at home on DVD and went to the cinema the next year to see The Two Towers as a hardcore fan and had no panic attack as I knew what was coming, even though it was darker. I wear the evenstar pendant every day to symbolise my proud geekdom. As one film came out every year at Christmas, it became tradition, adding to the affection of its audience. With The Hobbit films, that was continued and had an in-built fanbase, not least because there was a returning director and returning actors, screenwriters and crew. No wonder New Zealand has become such a popular destination; it feels like home to so many.

Hobbit house

However those trilogies only lasted 3 years each. The MCU films officially started in 2003 with the first Iron Man film and through 23 films have ended, that phase at least, with The Avengers: Endgame, spanning 16 years. This is a major period in anyone's life. The characters appeared in each other's films, all reuniting in The Avengers films and one Captain America film. This adds to the feeling of connection. It also spawns the need to see and know everything; the difference between one or two people staying after the credits of the first films to see tiny, often funny, inessential sequences, to the latter films where practically everyone stayed, was tremendous. What was even better were the through-lines throughout all the films: the in-jokes, continuity sequences, repeated quotes, background references and recurring minor characters. These rewarded loyal viewers. Two such characters got their own TV series: Agent Carter for Peggy and Agents of SHIELD for Phil Coulson, even bringing him back from the dead. The fan affinity for these people generated such a reaction, they created the environment where it was untenable if they weren't seen again. This habit was paramount in the Endgame finale with them going back in time to see the previous films from another angle, quite literally. It was like a greatest hits, a reunion concert and farewell tour all in one.

Stan Lee RIP

Everything has to end and we do have to say farewell, but that doesn't mean it's forever. As cultural institutions have such a big impact, they stay in memories and can be recalled for a nostalgia fix or by rewatching. But they won't be new. That is why when they return, decades after in Star Wars', Indiana Jones' and Doctor Who's cases, it is a big thing, unless they alienate their audience like George Lucas did with the remastering of the original Star Wars trilogy and the much maligned prequels and the terrible Crystal Skull Indy film. The Hobbit trilogy had its naysayers, but ultimately it was a success and didn't ruin the legacy of The Lord of the Rings. Game of Thrones has alienated at least some of its fans, which may impact the prequel series. To me, the GOT finale was satisfying though. They must have a soothsayer on their payroll, knowing what people would say about the final season and not only justify, but affectionately mock the shortcomings. It seemed to address all the criticisms the season and especially the penultimate episode incited, explaining Dany's actions, proving Arya's power, punishing Jon's weakness, validating Bran's status and even showing compassion to Ghost, while concluding the others' storylines. As Tyrion put it, “No one is very happy, which means it's a good compromise."

San Juan de Gaztelugatxe, Bakio

So, will something else come along to take over our lives and become another cultural phenomenon that we will forever remember? Never say never. They have been happening for as long as national communication has been capable. I'm sure Shakespeare had a major impact in his time, but if social media had existed, think how much further his reach would have been. Charles Dickens was the talk of the nation when his work was serialised in periodicals. But in the age of intangible, ephemeral communication, I wonder if today's cultural touchpoints will have as lasting an impact.

Mental health and physical health

I feel like a fraud. It's taken me this long to write a post for Mental Health Awareness Week as I found out last weekend that my mental health problems stem not just from one chronic illness that causes my physical symptoms, but now two. I know I shouldn't blame all of my mental health problems on my physical health, but they play a significant part.

It is true that sometimes it's difficult to know where physical health and mental health start and end. Which is the chicken and which is the egg? For me, I question whether the physical health problems I didn't know I had caused the anxiety, or if the anxiety was there already. What a lot of people don't realise is the sheer gamut of physical symptoms mental health problems can cause. I've made a list at the end of this post of those I've experienced, differentiating between anxiety and panic attacks.

However my anxiety issues started, they are here to stay. They can be situational such as when I have to teach, go on a date, or travel by plane. They can be due to memories such as seeing a person who reminds me of bad times, songs that evoke negative emotions or anything that brings up when I was bullied at school. They can also be muscle memory as anything that increases my heart rate, gives me butterflies in my stomach or affects my breathing can bring on anxiety as my body equates those functions with an attack. Exercise can be problematic and I avoid being overly excited.

I have chronicled my vestibular problem before and the moments of seemingly random out of the blue vertigo started at a similar time to my panic attacks, which lead to generalised anxiety (GAD). However, after almost three years of again seemingly random out of the blue gut problems, which I initially dismissed as caused by my anxiety, then possibly by a tropical holiday, then by my diet, then by something more sinister, then dismissed as IBS, it turns out they're caused by endometriosis, which can cause dizziness and anxiety, along with other mental health problems. I was passed around the hospital, visiting many different departments, with frequent tests, procedures and treatments over those years; some were disruptive and some were downright disturbing, but I got to know how amazing the NHS is far more than I have ever done.

That said, when you have a history of mental health problems, no matter how great the system is, you will come across people, from the most harried of GPs to the most senior of consultants, who take one look at your medical record and write your symptoms off as psychosomatic or just another manifestation of anxiety. However I knew there was something wrong. I knew my body. That is one of the upsides of having a mental health problem, you become very self-aware, hyperaware almost. I'm an introvert and highly sensitive, so it's more pronounced for me. That's why I love that there's a move to rebrand hypochondria as health anxiety. So any change, yes you question whether it's just another anxiety symptom, but after living with anxiety for half my life at that stage, I knew it wasn't. Apart from the sudden onset and the fact that I was in the best place with my anxiety than I had ever been due to undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I knew the effects of anxiety inside and out; I had lived through the vast majority of them right up to and including a mental breakdown.

So I had to fight, just like I had to fight for my vestibular diagnosis. I wish I didn't have to, but I'm lucky that I haven't experienced as much of the stigma towards mental health as I know others have. Every test they did, there was a valid reason to do it and every time it came back negative, equivocal or there was no improvement, I forced the issue. That's why it took so long, they had to rule out a tropical disease with blood and stool tests, a parasite by sending samples to a special centre, coeliac disease with more tests, food allergies and intolerances with elimination diets, something more sinister with endoscopies, via a leftfield nuclear medicine scan until finally I had the third MRI of my life, which revealed the problem. I could have given up, but the doubters, including me at times, were wrong, my concerns had been validated and once more my perseverance has been justified.

Everything is interconnected and the endometriosis, which with hindsight has been causing increasing severity in my period-related symptoms over the years, but, in medical terminology, has an unusual presentation because the gynecological symptoms aren't significant and the gut problems are far worse. The only pattern, not dietary, not regular and certainly not serious, but still affecting my quality of life, was that time of the month. It is another cog in the wheel of understanding my gradually worsening health where it feels like my body is beginning to fail me and there's no cure, just management. The not knowing, the uncertainty was unbearable, but a diagnosis, that I can live with.

TRIGGER WARNING, these symptoms aren't pretty, but I don't get most of them anymore:

Anxiety:

• Weakened immune system leading to colds and bugs
• Lack of energy and motivation
• Lack of concentration due to racing and spiralling fixating thoughts
• Dizziness
• Breathlessness and shallow breathing
• Muscle tension meaning diarrhoea, constipation and stomach cramps
• Muscle tension leading to pain in the shoulders, neck, back and jaw
• Dental pain due to clenching of the jaw
• Headaches
• Nausea
• Restless legs, jitters and fidgety behaviour, including eye twitching
• Food cravings, usually sugar
• Loss of appetite
• Sudden need to pass water
• Intense thirst
• Sweating, including night sweats
• Hypersensitivity of the skin
• Sleeplessness and insomnia
• Hot flushes
• Reliance on distractions such as TV and alcohol

Panic attacks, in order of occurrence:

1. Hyperventilation (but you don't realise)
2. Pins and needles, usually in the extremities, but starting in the nose
3. Feeling of handcuffs around the wrists
4. Wind: burping and farting
5. Bodily functions stop such as sneezing, digestion and oxygen to the extremities
6. Tight chest so it feels like you can't breathe
7. Heart palpitations so it feels like you're having a heart attack
8. Hot flushes so severe you start to take your clothes off
9. Claustrophobia so you have to take anything constricting off including your bra and jewellery
10. Self-harming through pinching to relieve the pain inside
11. Vertigo meaning severe nausea
12. Throwing up
13. Shaking
14. The need to be as low to the ground as possible, usually on the floor
15. Can't take in food or liquid as throat closes off
16. Severe tension in limbs so you can't move
17. Severe tension in the jaw so you can't speak
18. Need to have people around, but not liking to be touched
19. Feeling of impending doom
20. Whiteout where you lose your vision and feel like you're going to faint

Afterwards I get thirsty but can only sip, the shakes, cold chills, diarrhoea and severe fatigue. That's the adrenaline comedown. It's good to feel the cold as that's the first sign I'm coming out of it. The next day I feel hungover and I often find bruises where I've unconsciously pinched myself.

They say you can't pass out due to a panic attack, but I beg to differ, particularly when they're this severe. Also, they say they only last 15 minutes, which may be true, but you can have another straight afterwards; I had panic attacks all day every day for almost a week which came in waves and left my legs black and blue as I had been pinching them so much. I wish I'd taken a photo so people can see, but also not as it could encourage self-harming and it was that shocking, I don't want to remember.

However writing posts like this is important as it not only helps others understand their own mental health conditions and if I help just one person, then that's a success, but it also shows me how far I've come, what I've lived through and how strong I can be. Some days I need that.