Commemoration day

The Cambridge sky drawer strikes again

Today would have been my first day back at work after the holiday, the holiday that for many reasons, mostly health but not financial, fortunately didn't happen. It's also the holiday I am mourning as it had been part of my life for almost two years; we'd been planning it ever since we went to Costa Rica to visit my family last time. It's difficult not to think about where we’d have been each day if the holiday had gone ahead, but everyone was thinking the same, what would they have been doing if the restrictions weren’t in place. Plus, even if the borders weren't closed the day before we were due to leave, the holiday would have been so different, spent in lockdown with restaurants shut, places closed and beaches forbidden, but at least we would have been together.

Starling on Ditton Meadows

I have been reminded of it constantly, by us undoing all the bookings, trying to get our money back, in the big pile of things we were going to take out with us, in my niece's recent birthday celebrated virtually rather than in person. It's also in the small things, every time I look at my medications, contact lenses and toiletries I had stockpiled to make sure I had enough, all fortunate now, as well as the haircut I had just before we were due to fly. All have come in useful now we're in lockdown.

Blossom on our Bramley apple tree in our back garden

However I'm owning this grief and the world is grieving due to tragic bereavement, but also the loss of not being to spend birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, Mother's Day and Easter together, the loss of being able to do what we want, when we want. My grief just happens to be more specific, which actually helps having something to focus it on. The holiday grief I'm experiencing is mostly though in the loss of having something to look forward to. Now everything is uncertain. I'm uncertain when I will see my family again in person, when I can hand over the stack of presents, but also when all this is going to end. Everyone's in the same boat I know, but that knowledge doesn't help.

A heron hunting on the River Cam

So in the interest of having something to look forward to, I have made plans to commemorate the things that will no longer happen, it will give the grief some closure. For Easter, I rewatched the film Peter Rabbit as we cannot see the sequel yet now. For my birthday, I won't watch Black Widow in the cinema now, instead I will rent the recent film of Emma and watch it at home. When Eurovision, the Wimbledon final, the Olympics and Glastonbury (not that I got tickets) were supposed to happen, I will watch programmes to celebrate them; I have the 2012 London Olympics DVD and I'll watch the triumphant opening ceremony again, our last great national event. I also have the 2008 Wimbledon final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal on DVD, so I'll watch that too; I can't say rewatch as I missed some of it; I was on holiday and we had to go out for dinner, but the match was still going, so we went to the restaurant and they kindly let me eat while watching it in the bar: as I remember it my family joined me for the end of the match with their desserts.

The bluebells we planted

My anxiety disorder thrives on uncertainty, so I need things to look forward, to hang onto, so all this will help for now, it takes me to July at least. I am also writing notes for a blog post about my experiences of this time living with an anxiety disorder, but in the past tense, which gives me hope. On a day-to-day basis, I have my daily nature/Pokemon/exercise walk, my beautiful back garden with its blossoming apple trees and numerous birds, and my birthday bluebells, if we can keep them alive that long! Because this will end, it's the not knowing that's the hardest part. All the photos in this post were taken by me over the Easter bank holiday weekend.

The sky drawer's Easter message + = love

My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Ponderings on what makes a home

I've been thinking about the concept of home a lot recently as I moved house a couple of months ago and have been working somewhere different for a bit longer than that, so in some ways I have no home, not in my home life or work life. This would usually cause a lot of anxiety; when I last moved, out of my childhood home, I had panic attacks at night for weeks. This time has been relatively painless, apart from a sense of dislocation. It shows how far I've come with my mental health. However there is another reason.

One of the things I'm most proud of in myself is my adaptability. It's what makes humans so successful above and beyond the rest of the animal kingdom. One of the main causes of my anxiety is the fear of the unknown. Moving house causes major uncertainty. Doing a different job, albeit temporarily = uncertainty. Change = the unknown. However, I guess because of this, I settle in to new places, on holiday and nest in extremely quickly. I have to as a way to combat the anxiety. I find ways to ground myself, integrate into my new community and make connections. In my new workplace, this has been incredibly easy as I have an awesome team and tea breaks and lunch breaks basically enforce socialising! At home, this has been more difficult as, apart from moving day, we have barely seen anyone. I'm naturally shy and my brother is even worse, so we're not the knocking on doors and introducing ourselves types.

Despite the newness, uncertainty and change, what has made me feel like home at work was not working in a similar space, doing a similar job and cycling a similar route, but the people. I met a couple of old work mates by chance who work in the same place or nearby, I knew a couple of members of my new team already, so familiar faces help. But it wasn't that exactly. I had a lovely welcome on my first day. I found the right people to connect with, who had the right personalities that made me feel safe, secure and comfortable. They allowed me to be me right from the off. That was all in the first few days and down to luck. Adopting a routine, so I knew what I was doing when was helpful. Starting with the tasks I knew how to do, then learning the rest was useful. Hopefully I didn't concentrate on the familiar tasks too much! Not trying to do too much too soon, throwing myself in at the deep end was unusually mature for me. It helped that colleagues were saying it seemed like a natural fit for me, that I looked confident and it felt like I'd been there forever, in a good way!

Confidence is a big thing for me as I actually have none, I just give good pretence. I masque it in many different ways and actually go to the extreme sometimes trying to show my confidence, which can be a bad thing. I find it difficult to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness, but I'm getting better at it. Conversely showing vulnerability is easy for me. It's just on a professional basis, career progression and such, I don't want to show it. It's caused by prolonged childhood bullying, abandonment issues and obviously my mental health issues. So for people to say I looked confident and seemed to get on well is huge. It helps that I have a work home to go back to; I visited recently and it really felt like coming home with people saying they're missing me. A home really is about the people, not belongings, not familiarity and certainly not a building.

Now, I need to do the same at home. No matter how I get my bedroom, display all my things and buy the things I've been longing for and finally have the space for them, it still doesn't feel like home. It will take time, but I have the skills, inclination and personality traits to make it happen.