Big reveal

This is a post I never imagined I would get to write, hoped but never imagined; I didn't believe it would ever happen. So, I'd been living a predictable, routine and slightly boring life for a while now, too long, living vicariously through books, films and TV. Not really sociable, but seeing my family every week, occasionally meeting friends and when I was feeling brave, going on dates. I pushed myself to attend work events, joining the social committee to make it easier. I encouraged myself to do what I love, to challenge myself. I joined the Creative Writing Club at work and entered the annual short story competition, winning a prize! I started yoga, perk of the job, which I've kept up. I went to the gym after work for a few months, another perk of the job, got injured, unrelated, and never went back. I found a far nicer way to spend my time... I was thankful usually when plans fell through, so nothing disrupted my safe comfortable life. I was always annoyed when a message popped up, when I had to disrupt my life for a few hours, change my habits for a bit, always expending too much effort, constantly second guessing myself. I never thought I'd have the time, energy and inclination to willingly and freely change anything even temporarily, let alone permanently. I thought I only had the capacity to live for myself, barely managing to hold down my job, crashing when I got home, even after my health improved following an operation. I thought I couldn't let anyone else in. But underneath it all, I knew I wasn't happy with my single status.

The photo that started it all,
still my favourite photo of us

Already gone were the unattainable ideas of when I was younger: finding my one true pairing, a soulmate, Disney Princess style, instant at first sight, butterflies in the stomach, something that's all-encompassing, being swept off my feet, infatuated, where they occupy my every waking thought, heart leaping when I see them, the world disappearing when I’m with them, being told, to paraphrase Jane Austen, that I've "bewitched them body and soul" or a Brontë style passionate affair. But that’s overwhelming. I've felt that in my heady teenage years and it's not sustainable, not the ideal at all. Imagine living like that, trying to have a fully rounded life, hold down a job? I've had enough of feeling overwhelmed in life. It can feel overwhelming when you're alone together, but in a good way. Time can get away from you though! I need to prioritise food and sleep better... Now I know it doesn't have to be like that, loud and bold and conspicuous. It can be quieter, it's about them being a constant background thought, heart warming you when you see them, anticipation before you see them next, the world suddenly seems better, right, when you're with them. They become your favourite person, sharing each other's lives rather than being their everything. When I turned 42 recently, he got me a Douglas Adams-inspired birthday card, writing in it: "you have become my answer to life the universe and everything." He struck the right balance of funny, soppy and heartfelt, not overwhelming.

First Christmas together

Most people, love songs, romcoms and chicklit books focus on attraction, as if it's the most important thing. But there has to be more. I feel a whole mixture of emotions: relief that I have found someone who understands me or wants to understand me; safe, it's what every woman wants, to feel safe alongside attraction; supported, knowing I'm with someone who only wants what's best for me; accepted for who I am: clumsy, geeky and silly old me.

At a 40th birthday party: me as Sarah from Labyrinth

That's what everyone should look for and have in a partner: acceptance, safety and support. But everyone has an idea in their head of who they want to be with: what they look like, the job they do, their interests, experience and background. This can be due to things that have happened in the past, but are more likely to be high standards, intolerance, prejudice, ignorance, or an easy excuse not to even try. I was mostly the former and the latter. Dating apps have only made this worse: you can automatically filter people out and immediately dismiss people because they're not tall enough or too tall, too big or too skinny, don't earn enough, have a beard, don't have enough hair, have too many tattoos, are a gym fanatic, they smoke, they drink, they have typos in their profile, they don't provide a lot of information or their photos aren't good enough. I'm sad to say, I was guilty of all of that and more.

All dressed up for a wedding

I messaged someone throughout lockdown, for months. We really clicked, had a lot in common. Then when we could meet, there was no attraction. We were relaxed in each other's company, but we both knew nothing would happen. It was mutual thankfully. I had several dates with someone I really matched with, on all levels, the online chat was good, he was perfect on paper. But when I met him, again, there was nothing. I tried, I really did, too long probably. It led me to think there was something wrong with me, beyond the anxiety and confidence issues. It sent me back to therapy. I thought I could be on the spectrum, gay, aromantic, asexual, or that there was something deeply inherent in me that meant it was never going to happen for me. Underneath all that anxiety, I knew that was wrong though and I was also wrong that I wouldn't find someone; it would be sooner that I would ever have thought.

All dressed up for another wedding:
rococo monster mash-themed

It's such a cliché, but I hadn’t met the right person. Nothing that can ever be included on a dating profile really matters. What matters is who they are, how they treat people and how they make you feel. You don't get that online, can never see that online. You get that with time. I don't mean butterflies in the stomach. That means you're nervous around them, you're anxious. I thought I'd always feel like that. You should be looking for someone who makes you feel good, relaxed and calm. Yes, you're going to be nervous before and on the first date, but afterwards? I was a little awkward around him initially on our first "date", but then, it just felt right. That's the way it always is with us now.

All dressed up for Rocky Horror

I've had people who I've been attracted to or have matched with that have treated me like a side note, an afterthought, an object, something to be picked up and put down as and when they liked, out of sight, out of mind. They kept me on edge, making me feel on edge around them. This meant not replying to my messages or talking to me for days, weeks or even months, acting like nothing was wrong with that, starting up a conversation again when it suited them, making me feel jealous. If you feel jealous, then they make you feel insecure. My man is a natural at making me feel secure; he does it without trying as that's just who he is. The few times I haven't, I've told him and he asks me why and what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The others weren't really interested in me as a person, not even trying to get to know me, only concentrating on what I looked like, certain parts of me, not me as a whole. I've been mansplained to, decisions made without consulting me because "they know what's best for me", dismissed outright, cut off when they found out something that didn't match with their idea of me. That's what dating apps do: make you look for your ideal.

Out for a nature walk

Knowing that you feel safe and secure with them, that you can be vulnerable and honest with them, that you can be yourself with them, that's the ideal. I like myself when I'm with him, I like to think I'm my best self with him. The weird thing is and I'm extremely upset to say, I would have swiped left on my new man: he is tall, even taller than my tallest brother; he is big; he has a mohican; he drinks, but not to excess; he spells things wrong; and worst of all, he doesn't read books! That would have been a dealbreaker in itself. He does get most of my references though and I get most of his, even if he doesn't think much of The Lord of the Rings... yet. We've introduced each other to the things we love: him My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, me: nature and wildlife. We've found new things we love together: Apothecary Diaries. I like to think one of his geeky t-shirts would have caught my eye, or his TV and film watching habits would have piqued my interest, or he would have included a funny quote that made me laugh. But no, that's wishful thinking.

Introducing him to my favourite film
The Princess Bride in the best way possible,
at the cinema!

It's what the tick boxes, algorithms and swiping lead you to become: someone who is quick to judge, all surface level and based on appearances. I would have missed out one of the most kind and considerate, cheeky and geeky, sensitive and emotionally aware, warm and tactile, supportive and encouraging, fun and funny, patient and understanding men I have ever met. I've been looking for someone like him all my life, without ever believing he existed. But in the end, he was literally around the corner from me!

Weekend away for a gig

When the right person comes along, for them you will want to give up your time, your evenings, your weekends, sleep, your Mum's Sunday roast! You will want to just be with them, even if it's only to watch anime on the sofa. You will make time for them when there is seemingly none, a few precious stolen moments between other things. You will have to become better at organising, logistics and herding cats, trying to fit him, family, friends, work commitments and chores into your plans, while trying to compromise as little as possible. You will not only welcome their messages, but reply as soon as you can and not agonise over it, you make sure to leave a reaction to show you've seen their message if you don't have the time to reply. Their friends will become your friends. You will do things that will normally cause anxiety like last-minute plans, going to new places, doing new things, trying new food, meeting new people, playing dress-up and wearing high heels, going to two weddings when you barely know anyone there, all because they want you to. When they need help, you will be there. And they will do the same for you. Everything will be easier because they're there right beside you. When you're used to doing things by yourself, you don't know how much easier it is when you have someone else, someone to consult, someone to help, someone to share things with. Family and friends can fill some of that role, but it's not the same.

At Cambridge Pride with one of his friends,
now my friend too

You rediscover yourself, learn new things about yourself. Things you thought you knew about yourself you will find are wrong. You always have to fill the silences, that you're boring otherwise. But just being with someone not saying anything now says a lot. You don't like being hugged or touched and you need your personal space. Not with them, all you want to do is hold their hand, stay near them, be as close to them as possible. You've never particularly liked kissing. But it turns out with the right person, you can't get enough. Trying new things always causes you debilitating anxiety. Not when someone is there to encourage you and will you on. You have to always be in control and prepared. Not if you're with someone, outside your family, you trust and can rely on. You always have to hide parts of yourself. Not when someone understands you, wants to know you, the whole of you. You're too insecure, too clingy, too needy, too anxious, too much. For some people yes, for the people that count, for the person that matters, never. You're not enough. You are when you find your person. Of course, it might just be him! If I was with someone else, it mightn't be like this.

First photo as a couple

The touch thing deserves more unpacking. Instead of feeling intrusive, claustrophobic and possessive as it has in the past, with him it feels right. I used to edge away, end it early and escape from it as soon as possible. But with him it feels natural, no need to ask for consent. His hand in mine is grounding for me, searching each other out as we walk or sit together. Slipping in and out of it as needed, not taking offence when we don't want to. His arm around my waist is reassuring, letting me know he's there for me, happy to be a couple in public. His touch is comforting, arousing and encouraging, sometimes all at the same time! I never thought I'd be in a hand-holding couple, but it all depends on what kind of relationship you have, how comfortable you are with each other.

I feel safe in his arms

It helps that this happened over time, getting to know someone over weeks and months rather than online dating like I'd been trying before. I could see how they treated people, learn what they valued in life, how they viewed the world. So, we knew we got along, had things in common, liked each other, more than liked each other, missed each other, cared about each other, did things for each other and just wanted to be around each other. It developed so easily, gradually and naturally. It's the ideal: friends to being a couple. We're lucky as we work together, so we can see each other every day, have lunch together. But it also means we wanted to be sure, not wanting to make things awkward at work, not wanting to ruin a friendship, taking longer to get together than probably necessary. But it was worth taking the risk, at some point that's what it comes down to: the courage to make that step.

Me helping dye my man's hair,
purple obviously!

Surprisingly, it was me that crossed that line first, but unbeknownst to me, he had prepared to do the same, but circumstances had got in the way. I'm happier than I've ever been, a contented sort of happiness, more self-assured, more settled in myself. My family have noticed and commented on it. It hasn't been anxiety-free; I don't know which new things will trigger me. But the right person won't find it too much, won't find you too much, won't try to change you, fix you, make you someone you're not. They won't turn away when they see your vulnerable side, won't be scared off by your more difficult side, won't be turned off by your messier side. They will accept you, encourage you and allow you to be yourself. I am more myself with him and his friends than I've been in years. You will change, not because they want you to, but just from their influence. You will want to, for yourself. You will finally dye your hair purple like you've always longed to do!

Becca dyeing my hair

Despite all the self-analysis I've done over the years, all the therapies and experiences I've had, it's still a mystery why this is happening now, why this is the right time. I am a person who is usually never sure about anything, living in the realms of possibilities, what ifs and if onlys. I can be swayed and influenced, gullible and impressionable, more sure of other people's opinions and ideas than my own. But I'm sure about him, that this feels right. This is amazing to me, not just because I am usually an unsure person; it's because I don't find it easy to trust people. Read my posts about when I was bullied at school to find out why. What I've learned through all this is to believe in actions not words. Believe what people show themselves to be, not who they say they are.

Our pub quiz team, what we did on our first date

Right from the beginning, I trusted him, from first conversation, from first offer of help, from first time alone together. His actions showed what a wonderful person he is. I never like being alone with someone I don't know very well, sometimes with people I do know! But I trusted him implicitly from the beginning; right to my very core, I knew I was safe with him, physically and emotionally. Just through being the open, emotionally aware and sensitive person he is, he let me know he accepted me for me. If there was anything wrong, we would talk it through. Most importantly, he wouldn't just leave, cut me off, abandon me (a complex I have) seemingly for one problem, one argument, one thing he discovered about me that didn't fit with his idea of me. All these things have happened to me and still cause me anxiety, but I've got better with it since my most recent therapy sessions. It stopped me from getting close to people, making friends and of course having relationships. The therapy obviously worked and maybe that is why now is the right time because not only do I have new friends, not only do I fit in with his community of people, but also, I have him.

Me last minute storytelling at The Elm Tree

He knows what he's doing; while not quite balancing me out, he complements me. Although he knows not to compliment me too much; I never believe it! He has enough experience of anxiety to be empathetic, but not as much as me, though most people wouldn't! He knows what to do to help me, support me, boost my mood. He knows how to make me laugh, how to turn me on, how to reassure me. He knows when to hold me and when to leave me be: too much touch can feel restrictive, especially when feeling stressed, anxious or panicky. All this he does without even having a conversation about it, let alone being told. This may be learnt through time being around me, but he has figured this all out by himself, or it's just who he is as a person. He puts others before himself, shows up for people, wants to do the best by people. It makes him a great boyfriend. One of my friends who proofread this for me says it's "the loveliest love letter I have ever read". We have been together as an official couple a year now and started using the L word after 7 months together, though we've known each other for more than 2 years and were friends for 6 months before we got together. I'm so lucky to have found him.

Encouraged to do so by my boyfriend

I do get flashes of wanting to go back to my simpler, easier and less busy life, especially when the anxiety hits, when I see my book piles, TV recordings and to-do lists stack up. Romantic books and films hold less interest for me now I know what real love feels like; the storylines, characters and drama don't ring true anymore, not what I want from love. That helps with my to read and watch lists! I'm lucky in how easy it is between us, how easy it has been to fall in love. I was ready to say it before him. I have battles within myself sometimes. But when I'm with him, I know he's worth any complications. I don't know where we're going, how long this is going to last. But I'm going to enjoy it, remain in the present, not think too far ahead. I know what I want my future to hold though. Him. I just want to hold him. I will hold onto him for as long as he'll let me.

Recreating that first photo a year later,
at the work Christmas party

Back to Normality?

This blog post has been many months in the making, so warning, it is rather long. It's worth a browse at least, especially with wonderful videos from Travis and of The Princess Bride, and a few pretty photos taken by me. So far, so normal for me and my blog posts. I initially called this post Back to Normality, but I added the question mark as I don't think anything will ever be truly normal again. It's not the 'world is coming to an end' apocalyptic anxiety-fueled feeling I had at the beginning of lockdown, but a more realistic view that attitudes will have changed forever because of what we've been through. I'm faced with some normality in going back to work next week and I'm both fearing and relishing the prospect. I have been back, briefly, once for some filming and it was surreal, but nice. My body didn't like it though as I got all sorts of aches and pains, including in my wrist, pelvis and butt. I blamed the bicycle at first of course! When you cycle twice a day, 5 days a week, for 7 miles every day, your body gets used it. It has definitely regressed these past 6 months. 6 months! Otherwise, I've been working all through lockdown from home, which I've never wanted to do, mainly because I knew I would enjoy it. I have social anxiety and I'm practically a hermit as it is, only seeing close family on a regular basis. So work interaction is the only thing that stops me from not having a social life altogether and I'm afraid of how much I've regressed in that sense too. But being at work will build that back up with no pressure. 

Screenshot of the filming

Filming at MMLL

Anxiety has been preparing me for the worst for 20 years, with what ifs and thought spirals, so the pandemic hasn't hit me as hard as others in some ways. However concerns about how the virus would impact me, my family and loved ones have caused a lot of anxiety and one of the things that has helped is living in the moment, escapism and writing this blog post. I've been dipping into it every once in a while over the lockdown period and writing it as if lockdown had ended worked. Lockdown has been relatively easy for me, with no one close to me catching it, no one losing their job and no one being furloughed. It has actually limited my anxiety and I'm worried how much it's going to come back when I return to the world properly. But with everything uncertain about whether there will be another lockdown and a resurgence of the virus, I know the anxiety will always be with me. Uncertainty over the return caused some weird anxiety dreams that left me unsettled, but they disappeared once I knew what was happening. Now though, with the increased restrictions and the threat of a second wave just as term starts and I'm going back in to work, I'm not sleeping as well. Last night, I tried all my usual methods of getting back to sleep; I usually wake once in the night between 2-4am, but go straight back to sleep. I resorted to an unorthodox method of doing a puzzle from the puzzle book I keep by the side of my bed, which I dip into every now and again if I'm feeling jittery and it calms the spiralling thoughts in my head down, probably by focusing my mind. I had so many at 2am this morning and the puzzle worked. I'm glad my anxiety disorder is manifesting in tears and dreams and disrupted sleep rather than panic attacks. At this rate, I may have to break into my magic painting book; I loved them as a child and it's a great productive, mindful nostalgia hit.

Forget colouring books!

Lockdown for me started in quite a dramatic fashion. I was due to go on holiday to Costa Rica, where my oldest brother and his family live at the moment, the Wednesday before lockdown. We were determined to still go on holiday as there were no restrictions then, despite the fears of catching the virus in the airport and on the plane. But the day before we were due to leave, the border closed. Our flight still went ahead for repatriation purposes, so we initially received no refund, even though it was effectively cancelled for us; apparently we could still have got on the plane, but we couldn’t get off it. Thousands of pounds just for two 11 hour flights and no holiday? We then got a voucher which would have locked up the money until hopefully the world got back to normal, or we could at least fly again, but it was only valid for 12 months… Finally, after a battle involving numerous telephone calls and emails, with the airline admitting a mistake and a very helpful customer service person working from home on our side, we got our money back. We got all our money back from the holiday in the end from car hire to accommodation, but it took months. We were incredibly lucky as many people are still waiting for their money, especially from BA.

A hummingbird in Costa Rica

After that and still to this day, it's been difficult not to think about where we’d have been if the holiday had gone ahead and if we'll ever get back there. But everyone has been thinking the same, what would they have been doing if the restrictions weren’t in place, plus the holiday would have been so different with restaurants shut, places closed and beaches forbidden. The border has only just starting opening there again, unlike here where it never really closed. There is a comfort in that we're all in this together. The heartbreak for me is that the holiday had been two years in the planning and it was difficult to undo all the preparations. We were visiting family and we have piles of stuff we were going to take out to them that they couldn’t get out there, plus presents as we didn’t see them for Christmas or birthdays. I had last-minute appointments at the dentist's and with my doctor, I got my medication early, stockpiled contact lenses as I wouldn’t have had enough, renewed my passport early, bought new clothes, wore clothes I didn’t want to take on holiday, got a haircut, bought toiletries to make sure I had enough, made packing lists and all were totally unnecessary and were constant reminders of what was not to be. However they came in useful when the country went into lockdown, closing dentists so my tooth pain would have caused me anxiety all through lockdown, hairdressers, making things more scarce in shops and every time you stepped into a shop or doctor's you were at risk, we still are.

A Costa Rican sloth

When I knew the holiday wasn't going ahead, I still had to go to work, but when I found my bike had a puncture and our attempts of fixing it took too long, I phoned work and they told me not to come in as I was on half day anyway, taken so I could pack and prepare for the holiday. That's when I broke down in tears, which were good because it meant I wasn't having a panic attack! All the usual anxiety about going on holiday and flying on a plane, plus the anxiety over the virus came to a head; it was a cathartic release. I called my parents as I was afraid I wasn't going to see them again for weeks, maybe months. This made me cry harder. I had the day off sick, used the rest of the week as leave to sort things out, trying to cancel our holiday and then I started to work from home with everyone else on the Monday.

It took a while to settle, nights were the worst, they always are with my anxiety. I went to bed early each night to stave off the panic; it's better to wake up early with it, than have it interfere with my sleep. That said, I had no real panic attacks, just anxiety attacks and randomly my temperature shot up in the evening, which didn't help as we had no thermometer, all sold out, so I couldn't check if it was a Covid fever or not. I reckon it was anxiety or my endometriosis. In the end, we bought a baby kit just to get a thermometer. Luckily, one of my managers had given me some hand sanitiser before lockdown for our travels, so we had enough of that. After a period of not being able to eat very much, I improved after I realised I’d have to move in with my parents if I didn't get better so they could look after me, like they looked after me after my breakdown in 2013. My fears of passing the virus on to them actually helped me get my act together.

I couldn't have made it through this alone:
me and my brother in Costa Rica

At first, I avoided all news, getting my brother to tell me anything I needed to know; each time I caught something on the news or on an app, I could feel my anxiety rising. He has been a rock during this whole time, generally unflappable, and he worked from home for about 3 years, so he's an old hand at it. As I adjusted to the 'new normal', I felt strong enough to read or listen to the news myself and it became a regular lunchtime tradition watching Nicola Sturgeon's daily briefing; she was much more reassuring, assured and compassionate than the PM. Other things that helped get me through were Orkney Library's jigsaws, Only Connect style walls and webcams; I got my fix of the outside and more global world from zoo cams, the Salisbury cathedral peregrine falcon webcam, the Tresco island live cameras of the beach and gardens, as well as Arenal volcano in Costa Rica. We checked in with my parents every day to ease my mind and theirs after dinner, swapping news, sharing photos and doing quizzes and puzzles; I send them the Times polygon every day.

Early on, I got a weird cough that I couldn’t cough that sat on the top of my chest that meant I couldn’t breathe as easily. This was not good as it mimics anxiety attack symptoms, but it was not as bad as it could have been because it also means I’m used to living with these symptoms. Knowing that every cough, either my own, from someone close to me, or a stranger created paranoia, we kept in the house, but as it didn't fit the symptoms and we had no others, when it went away after a few days, with my brother having it after me, we didn't isolate.

The coaster on my desk, John Ruskin

If I was furloughed, I don't think I would have coped, or gone into a film and TV induced escapist coma. Luckily, I could work from home, but only after some computer woes, working on my brother's laptop while we sorted out a PC for me; my PC is Windows 7, so that was automatically out. Luckily, I was given a free Windows 10 PC when I was at Homerton. I tried to stick to my usual hours for familiarity's sake. Creating a routine was crucial; routines are a boon for anyone with anxiety. That said, I tried not to replicate my old routine at home as it would have been a mental health crutch. I used it as an opportunity to be more flexible, as much as you can be with restrictions in place, such as having different things for lunch rather than my usual sandwich. I still woke up at 6.30am every day despite not setting my alarm anymore, though that is when the heating comes on and the boiler is in my room, but it continued over the Summer too. I didn't do much with my extra hour in bed, I needed it to read the news and wake up properly, as without my morning commute to wake me up, it was difficult to get my brain cells moving in the mornings. Separation between work and home was also less easy. I wore comfortable clothes and no make-up, contact lenses or jewellery. When I had to switch between working for one library and the other, I would use my lunchtime to switch mindsets or have a quick break. I used my dressing gown as a way of telling my body I’ve finished work and watched an episode of something between work and having our dinner as a stop-gap. Creating a distinction between the weekend and weekdays, was not just getting up later and no work, I tried to do different tasks each day, but despite my best efforts, sometimes the days blurred.

I kept my same core hours of work, allowing myself more flexiblity in the mornings if I woke up feeling bad. Drinking enough was key, I was so used to drinking from my water bottle all day: instead of a litre water bottle on my desk, I had a small glass which forced me to get up regularly. Getting outside at least once a day helped me feel like I could breathe deeply, shallow breathing was common for me during those first few weeks, even if it was just the back garden: nature is the best soother. My home desk is next to the patio doors to the garden, so I had a lovely lookout and often watched the birds and next door's cats; after one cat downed a pigeon (it went to the vet and was never seen again), we convinced her to put bells on their collars. All was good after that. I did some gardening every day, usually picking up fallen apples and dead-heading roses, which is very satisfying and makes them last longer, we still have some growing even now! We also loved seeing our wild flowers and vegetables growing; our courgettes have been a great success.

Our rose bower

My brother and I developed a lunchtime routine, coordinating our lunch breaks so we could eat together, as far as meetings and workload allowed, and then going for a walk, our one allowed outing a day during the restricted times and sticking to it when restrictions eased. Pokemon Go gave us the impetus to explore our local area and we now have some lovely nature walks across fields and meadows. We saw Spring change into Summer and now Autumn. I miss the quiet roads and empty pavements, now I'm having to adjust to traffic noise again. Each trip out to the shops was atrocious, my anxiety rose and my vestibular system got knocked out. One time, I sat in the car while my brother loaded the shopping, staving off a panic attack. But I knew if I said anything, my parents would insist on doing their own shopping and worries about their health spurred me on. Sometimes we have felt like the parents when they have sneaked out to the shops instead of asking us to. We have considered grounding them! They are in the at risk category due to their age and health conditions, but not in the shielded category. They are definitely taking the pandemic less seriously than their children. Now, shopping trips are mildly aggravating, but I can't wear a mask. I wrote a blog post all about why.

A good thing happened during lockdown; I got so annoyed at the quizzes my brother's workplace was sending round, taken from The Sun or the Daily Mail, that I created my own for them. I themed each week, starting with IT as that's the field they work in, doing three quizzes of 30 questions a week, starting with a word round like anagrams, a general knowledge/trivia quiz and then a picture round each Friday. They loved it so much we were sent a box of chocolates, funded by their HR. But comments I received meant more, especially the one who said it was the only thing that got him through the day: that was early on in lockdown. This then lead to a few of the quizzes being sent round to my work colleagues as well. My favourite was my lockdown landmarks picture quiz, with photos of empty tourist sites around the world. This week is my last week as I won't be able to continue now I'm returning to my workplace, so I'm ending on a high with a music round: name the song from its intro.

My birthday cake

Regarding work, my colleagues have been brilliant, in both libraries in different ways, even sending me a birthday cake! In one library, we had a virtual team meeting every day and had lively discussions on Yammer and Teams, the other library was more hands off with meetings twice a week, which were less about work and more about socialising and checking in with each other. These meetings became fewer as we got into the Summer. There were social meetings for all librarians in our area, so I got to see different faces. I also had rants with my ex-colleagues over Facebook Messenger, mostly about their workplaces and world politics. I found Zoom and Teams meetings quite draining, especially with the larger numbers: one time there were 200 of us! It's when you feel everyone is looking at you, luckily most people turned their cameras off, it was only for the smaller meetings we could see each other. Plus, I find it stressful seeing myself. So I tried to take time out, do things away from the screen when I wasn't working, even if I did one chore a day, it was something. I also took holidays, two weeks at home watching the tennis and trying to be productive, and a recent holiday away to a cottage in the middle of a tiny village. I marked the cancelled events, watching the 2008 Wimbledon final between Nadal and Federer during Wimbledon fortnight, the Glastonbury programmes and the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony when that should have been on, which was the epitome of bittersweet as it made me proud all over again, but I also cried to see how much the word has changed with the referendum and such. Instead of all the video calls, virtual meetings and messaging, the best thing for my social side was embedding myself in the communal aspect of working remotely, mainly joint ventures such as; helping the ebooks team with requests and purchasing, which is still ongoing with my buying ebooks for other libraries, maintaining my knowledge and working in an area I have been involved in for years; deduplication of catalogue records, which has helped me improve my cataloguing skills; and most recently creating an introductory video to our libraries, teaching myself how to use new software. Learning new skills in such challenging times has been a real boon and showed me that I can do more than I realise.

Winnie the Pooh quote

I have tried to be kind to myself, not question or judge myself, just doing what I have to in order to get through. Everyone had grand plans of what they could do with the extra time on their hands. Me, I thought I could start putting together my book idea, but I found it hard even to read books at first, let alone write one. I was going to make good use of the last week before going back in to work, making porridge for breakfast instead of just having one of my Mum's flapjacks and a banana, but that didn't happen. Saying that though, I did listen to more music and took notice of all the things I've been grateful for working from home. Putting on a stone would normally get me down, but I know I will lose weight once I start cycling to work again. If it was watching children's programmes, reading chicklit or binge-watching television, whatever worked. Familiar shows like The Repair Shop, Merlin and my favourite ever TV series Alias, (which is now on Amazon Prime) have really helped. I'm very pleased The Great British Bake Off and Ghosts are back and the new All Creatures Great and Small is very welcome. Another great thing was the lockdown version of The Princess Bride, it was on Quibi, but you can find a taster on YouTube below. I didn't need music as much as I thought, I can't listen to it and work at the same time as I used to, only when doing tasks that don't require much brain power. But when I worked at the police station inputting data, I used to work with music playing all the time. When I played the playlist I made of music from that time, including Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs, How to Save a Life by Razorlight and Standing in the Way of Control by The Gossip, it reminded me of a time when I was stronger than I ever thought I could be, which was confidence boosting. It also helped to block out the kids playing in the garden next door, while also tapping into happy memories of when life was easier, fooling your brain for a while.

It was okay to let things slide; there’s no need to dress up or wear a bra, put in contact lenses, put on make-up or even wash your hair as regularly, unless you feel you need the mental boost or it’s good for the motivation. I did do more if I was video conferencing though; you have to be more aware of what’s on camera and I made sure what I wore was what I wanted people to see!

Compassion for others was something I let slide for a while, it usually comes naturally to me as I'm a highly sensitive empath and take on the feelings of others, but when I'm in anxiety mode, that disappears. Our neighbours, who flouted lockdown rules, having people from other households over, going out whenever they wanted and even hosting a birthday party in their back garden with many people round, were the subject of many rants. My poor brother also got nagged more than normal as minor irritations became major. Happily, that has improved, though I still nag my brother!

Finally, the essential thing that got me through lockdown, was owning any feelings I had:

1. Grief over lost holidays, missed celebrations and not seeing loved ones
2. Denial was necessary to be able to process everything, escapism through TV and films
3. Sadness that life has changed so much
4. Anger about how the situation unfolded and was handled
5. Bargaining, being flexible within the restrictions
6. Acceptance came as everyone adjusted to the new normal

Pride was the overarching feeling when I look back on it all; not just pride of the NHS, which moved me to tears on numerous occasions, with my very English polite clapping on a Thursday turning to saucepan banging; pride of key workers of which my sister-in-law is one as deputy head of a school; pride of friends and family and how they adjusted to it all; pride of my colleagues and how they carried on regardless; pride of my library community and all the services they have set up, how they have not just muddled through, but adapted; and pride of the University in which I work, world-leading in so many ways, but generous, compassionate and caring throughout, making sure the welfare of everyone is paramount, both mental and physical. There's also pride in myself, not letting my mental health degenerate of course, but also how I've coped with work, learning new skills, making new connections and letting things slide at times, because I have a tendency to say yes when I shouldn't. As a side note, with the lessons learned over the past 6 months, appreciating what you have and those around you more, getting back to nature, slowing down, there have been some professional lessons too: ebook provision coming to the forefront, better relationships and collaboration with faculty over reading lists, working together more with other libraries, accessibility for everyone, disabled or otherwise, being key, and putting mental health first, all of which I have been involved with for years and have been trying to improve. They've all happened at once! I hope the world has changed forever in these regards, and with uncertainty everywhere, we are going to need our families, friends and colleagues now more than ever. I look forward to the day I can hug my Mum again and get a bear hug from my Dad; my brother isn't the most tactile of people, so I haven't had a hug from anyone since March. I may have to stealth hug him if I get desperate!

Finally, on a niche note, I am proud of my favourite band Travis for all they've done to reach their fans during lockdown, including releasing several singles, acoustic versions of their new and older songs and an awesome video of their hit "A Ghost" which the lead singer Fran Healy drew himself and their latest "All Fall Down", showcasing Fran's artistic skills. I see it as a lullaby for adults.

Ponderings on what makes a home

I've been thinking about the concept of home a lot recently as I moved house a couple of months ago and have been working somewhere different for a bit longer than that, so in some ways I have no home, not in my home life or work life. This would usually cause a lot of anxiety; when I last moved, out of my childhood home, I had panic attacks at night for weeks. This time has been relatively painless, apart from a sense of dislocation. It shows how far I've come with my mental health. However there is another reason.

One of the things I'm most proud of in myself is my adaptability. It's what makes humans so successful above and beyond the rest of the animal kingdom. One of the main causes of my anxiety is the fear of the unknown. Moving house causes major uncertainty. Doing a different job, albeit temporarily = uncertainty. Change = the unknown. However, I guess because of this, I settle in to new places, on holiday and nest in extremely quickly. I have to as a way to combat the anxiety. I find ways to ground myself, integrate into my new community and make connections. In my new workplace, this has been incredibly easy as I have an awesome team and tea breaks and lunch breaks basically enforce socialising! At home, this has been more difficult as, apart from moving day, we have barely seen anyone. I'm naturally shy and my brother is even worse, so we're not the knocking on doors and introducing ourselves types.

Despite the newness, uncertainty and change, what has made me feel like home at work was not working in a similar space, doing a similar job and cycling a similar route, but the people. I met a couple of old work mates by chance who work in the same place or nearby, I knew a couple of members of my new team already, so familiar faces help. But it wasn't that exactly. I had a lovely welcome on my first day. I found the right people to connect with, who had the right personalities that made me feel safe, secure and comfortable. They allowed me to be me right from the off. That was all in the first few days and down to luck. Adopting a routine, so I knew what I was doing when was helpful. Starting with the tasks I knew how to do, then learning the rest was useful. Hopefully I didn't concentrate on the familiar tasks too much! Not trying to do too much too soon, throwing myself in at the deep end was unusually mature for me. It helped that colleagues were saying it seemed like a natural fit for me, that I looked confident and it felt like I'd been there forever, in a good way!

Confidence is a big thing for me as I actually have none, I just give good pretence. I masque it in many different ways and actually go to the extreme sometimes trying to show my confidence, which can be a bad thing. I find it difficult to ask for help as I see it as a sign of weakness, but I'm getting better at it. Conversely showing vulnerability is easy for me. It's just on a professional basis, career progression and such, I don't want to show it. It's caused by prolonged childhood bullying, abandonment issues and obviously my mental health issues. So for people to say I looked confident and seemed to get on well is huge. It helps that I have a work home to go back to; I visited recently and it really felt like coming home with people saying they're missing me. A home really is about the people, not belongings, not familiarity and certainly not a building.

Now, I need to do the same at home. No matter how I get my bedroom, display all my things and buy the things I've been longing for and finally have the space for them, it still doesn't feel like home. It will take time, but I have the skills, inclination and personality traits to make it happen.

Holiday anxiety

Going on holiday causes me a great deal of anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I love travelling, seeing places, experiencing other cultures, being embedded in a new world. However, the going on holiday, that's an altogether different thing. First off, there's the anticipation. Our recent holiday to Costa Rica took months of discussions, much planning and it's a long flight. So there was a lot of time to think about it, the distance, the difference and the disturbance. For my previous big holiday to The Philippines, I tried to bury my head in the sand, which didn't work out, as it only caused more uncertainty; a week before I was having panic attacks and it was an exceptionally fraught journey. So I did the opposite with Costa Rica, reading two guidebooks cover to cover way in advance of booking anything other than the flights and involving myself totally. Knowledge helps as anxiety is all about uncertainty. So understanding what the place is like, reading up on it and knowing where we're staying and what we will be doing really helped and the result: no panic attacks at all.

A nicer way to travel: horse riding at Arenal

Then there's the actual travelling. Car journeys are tough and we've done some long car journeys: up to Scotland several times (8 hours), deepest Wales (6 hours) and all the way across Europe to Germany (days). I've only had panic attacks a few times on car journeys and they weren't about the car journey: bad weather where vehicles were aquaplaning all over the place; I was already having a panic attack and had been having them for days during my mini breakdown; and due to my balance problem causing me to feel like I was on rollercoaster and I'd just seen the final Harry Potter film at an old-fashioned cinema and it had messed with my head. Boat trips are worse because I get seasick, but I can handle it better as it's easier to combat it. Big boats like ferries are no problem as you can barely feel they're moving. With smaller boats, I just go to the front and watch the horizon, so no panic attacks there. It even gave me a indelibly memorable moment in The Philippines: I was alone at the front of the boat and a whole flock of flying fish just erupted before my eyes. But plane journeys, they've caused several panic attacks. I don't like being in situations I can't get out of easily, not enclosed spaces as such, things like lifts, caves, tunnels, planes, queues, even complicated clothing... The plane panic has got so bad, I've been physically sick and that was on a 4-hour flight. The Philippines took two flights of seven and then eight hours. I was dreadful on the first flight. On the second, I was simply exhausted. However on the flight to Costa Rica, a journey of almost 11 hours, I was fine, apart from a small blip after eating and when I was between films; I just have to keep my mind preoccupied.

I could never be as relaxed as a sloth, especially those at Toucan Rescue Ranch

I had prepared, taking: a book I was already really into and couldn't wait to find out what happened next and another book which was a romcom I had been itching to read; a puzzle book which occupies my mind like nothing else; music and noise cancelling cordless headphones including tracks explicitly designed to combat anxiety, so much so they advise you not to listen to it while driving or operating machinery; a pad of paper so I could get my thoughts down if I needed to; my notes on my book in case I wanted to do some actual writing; and my pills as an emotional crutch. I didn't need any of them; turns out, all I needed was the in-flight entertainment, being careful of what I watched, sticking to family films, comedies and light drama; I saw five films there and five on the way back: Early Man, Ferdinand, Peter Rabbit, Lady Bird and Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa on the way there and Peter Rabbit, Love, Simon, Blockers, I, Tonya and Isle of Dogs coming home. Yes, I watched Peter Rabbit twice, I just loved it so much, which was a surprise as I adore Beatrix Potter, heard bad things about it and probably wouldn't have seen it if not for the flight. I even found some wellbeing videos while investigating what was on offer: BA provides for their customers.

My bedroom on Tresco, in the Isles of Scilly

The other issue is I'm a complete and utter homebody. I like my own bed. In fact, there's only been one holiday where I've slept well and that's because the bed was amazing: Tresco in the Isles of Scilly. I can't sleep on anything that moves, or I can feel moving anyway, so planes are completely out, cars and smaller boats are problematic, but big ferries are fine. Because I was the last person to lock our front door and even though I did it in such a way as I would remember, using my left hand instead of my dominant right hand, I still spent the entire holiday in Costa Rica thinking I didn't lock the door. I had, obviously. But anxiety makes you believe you're an idiot!

I adapt very quickly and we were on holiday for three weeks. Three weeks is a long time and I didn't realise how much I'd adjusted until we got back. It’s enough time for the roadworks that were the bugbear of my daily commute to move elsewhere, for the goslings I see every day to become indistinguishable from their parents and for my team at work to change again. I could no longer overtake anyone on my bicycle, probably due to the lingering virus, rather than being unfit; we did a lot of walking. It's enough time for cobwebs to grow on my bicycle locks. It's enough time for the UK to get better weather than Costa Rica!

Some of the beaches were all but deserted, like this one in Montezuma, despite being beautiful

A strange thing happens when I'm on holiday: I don't get anxiety, not full-blown anxiety anyway, just your ordinary run-of-the-mill anxiety that most people experience, but not me. I was challenged, but my anxiety didn't take over like it usually does, even when I was ill having caught a horrible virus; being ill on holiday far from home is my worst nightmare; even when there was a massive thunderstorm for hours on end, even when we were driving roads with massive potholes (Great Britain has nothing on Costa Rica) along high roads with steep drops in the middle of nowhere. It helps that in The Philippines and Costa Rica, we were visiting family and I had my niece and nephew to concentrate on. Home is not a building, but the people you love. But it's happened on other holidays too. It's like being away from home is a holiday from the worries of daily life, a vacation from reality. I do things that I wouldn't normally do like going surfing when my balance problem should stop me, using an outdoor shower without thinking about the huge bugs and trying new food when I'm a picky eater. I'm trying to hold on to that now I'm home.

Me swimming with trout in a waterfall river

I won't be doing any night walks again though; we did ours from Monteverde, but you can do them from practically anywhere. It was a great experience; there are no pictures as my camera wasn't good enough, though we saw a sloth, kinkajou, armadillo, tarantula, snakes and many birds and insects. We got better photos on our own night walk in Arenal. But it's not something I'll be doing again. I probably wouldn't have booked it for myself, just like the surfing, and for the same reason: my balance problem. It's easy to see how being permanently off kilter would stop me from surfing, but you wouldn't think it would affect me walking around in the dark. However it's one of my biggest problems. We had torches, though when we had to turn them off to see a scorpion in UV light, I had to grab hold of someone for fear of falling over. There was an added complication. My niece wanted to hold my hand, so I spent practically the whole time with her, apart from when I got annoyed at her jumping over things and flashing her torch in my face, but she came back to me. This would normally be fine, but when I'm concentrating so hard to keep myself upright, having to look after her as well and fearing that if I go over, she'll go with me was difficult. However it did help with the anxiety, having someone else to focus on!

A red-eyed tree frog on our own night walk in Arenal

I must admit it’s difficult being back. Not for the usual reasons: tiredness but not jetlag, back to reality, back to work, back home and the football and Wimbledon being over. It’s for more subtle reasons, other than missing my family of course. When I open my curtains in the morning, it’s not a hummingbird I see but a pigeon, bunny rabbits not agoutis and the birds flying overhead are not vultures, but pigeons. Everywhere is yellow and dry rather than lush and green. In Costa Rica, everywhere is so full of life, wildlife, from birds to butterflies, from lizards to insects. I keep looking at tress moving, expecting to see a monkey and seeing a squirrel, looking at every bird expecting to see something interesting and listening out for rumblings in the sky in the afternoon. My alarm clock is my phone, not howler monkeys, thunderstorms or my niece creeping in to see if I’m awake. The fruit is smaller and less exotic. The potholes are smaller and less numerous.

Me with an owl butterfly at La PazWaterfall Gardens

However the holiday has changed my world view, more so than when I went to The Philippines and Bali, but less so than when I went to Tunisia as a teenager. Costa Rica, for all its wildlife, beauty and landscape, has made me grateful to live here, despite the politics, due to the health and safety (though we have gone too far), advanced infrastructure and less obvious poverty. It has taught me to look around more closely; you never know when you’re going to see a different bird, lizard or something interesting; to walk bare foot and to try new things like swim in a trout-filled river! Above all, I have returned with a renewed sense of confidence, though that has taken a knock as I was stuck in my glasses while waiting for my contact lenses to be redelivered. I'm proud of how well I coped. With that confidence comes an acceptance of unconditional love and friendship; my limpet of a niece didn’t want to spend all that time with me because I have a radiant personality, looked good or am witty, it was because I’m her “Auntie Sarwah.” So my experiences have lead me to an acceptance of who I am, to accept me for me, which is no small thing. I have made a resolution to take the holiday spirit and apply it to my anxiety. Let's see how I get on!

A mother and baby spider monkey, just because

Here are my reviews of the places we stayed, it's mostly about the animals I saw as I'm a nature-lover:

San Jose
The first place we stayed in was my brother's place near to San Jose. From there we visited three wonderful places, though I can also recommend Museo Nacional de Costa Rica in San Jose:

My brother's place

Zoo Ave
You will see wild animals in amongst the rescued ones. You will see animals you won't see anyway else, including a tapir (unless you're very lucky), peccary (unless you're very unlucky as they're dangerous) and pumas (to see a big cat is highly unlikely). You will see how we should always put wildlife before ourselves.

These squirrels were everywhere

La Paz Waterfall Gardens
Known for its waterfalls and its hummingbirds, my favourite part was the butterfly house. They also have sloths, toucans and poison frogs. You won't see one of their residents anywhere else, unless you're very very very lucky and that's a jaguar. The walk down to the waterfalls is actually quite easy, though it is a lot of steps and they'll bus you back up. However just sit by the hummingbird feeders by the entrance or down by the excellent restaurant and you'll marvel at the wonder of nature.

A jaguar at La Paz Waterfall Gardens

Toucan Rescue Ranch

One of the most memorable places I have ever visited. It may be named after the toucans, but they have lots of other animals including big cats like the ocelot, porcupines, raptors, parrots and most famously, sloths. If you want to see sloths up close, baby sloths and how a country should treat its wildlife, then this is the place for you. You will need to book a private tour and you will get an informative and passionate guide to show you round. It may be a tiny place, but it will occupy a huge space in your mind.

This is hard to see, but it's one of the lucky ones as it's at Toucan Rescue Ranch

Casa Frangipani, Montezuma
This was one of the standouts of the entire holiday and we almost didn't go; it was a last-minute change after our flight to Tortuguero was cancelled as the airline had a fatal crash and weren't flying. You will need to take a car ferry there, but it's worth it. We were high up, overlooking the coast so we could see the ocean and we were surrounded by rainforest. We saw more animals in the first day than we'd see staying next to a National Park! Vultures perched on a tree branch, howler monkeys including babies in the trees next to the pool we were swimming in, agoutis bounding around, hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower, flycatchers and other birds chirping from the canopy, leaf-cutter ants constantly marching in line and countless butterflies. The accommodation was nothing outstanding, but it had an amazing balcony, a roof terrace we never used and an outdoor shower only I used. Montezuma, the village nearby has a great Italian restaurant, a bohemian feel and incredible beaches just up the road. I can highly recommend the tidal pools and surfing beaches, where you'll see pelicans diving for fish. Beware, the roads are terrible.

The pool at Casa Frangipani

Club Del Mar, Jaco
On the way, stop off at the bridge over the Tárcoles River to see the crocodiles. We were in Jaco when I was ill, so I didn't explore much, mostly dosing and getting through two tissue boxes, but we saw an iguana climb the tree just outside our place on the first day and it proved to be a regular visitor, scarlet macaws flew over and fed from the trees by the resort's beach every morning and the butterflies again were amazing. The accommodation was the best we stayed in: spacious, comfortable and with superb facilities. The resort itself was fantastic with a great breakfast every day and excellent staff, a lovely pool and beach I didn't use complete with surfing lessons and a chilled-out atmosphere. Jaco is basically a strip of shops and your typical white sandy town beach, not that I'd know.

One of the residents at Club Del Mar lazing by the pool

La Posada, Manuel Antonio
Its location cannot be faulted as it's right next to the National Park entrance, but it's also its downfall because it's in a busy area with street sellers touting their wares all day; the bird whistle sellers were a particular annoyance. However I saw my first and only raccoon here, there were hummingbirds around, iguanas, lizards and giant insects. We never saw any monkeys or sloths though until we entered the park, including on the castaway-like beach which is a must. The staff were so helpful and welcoming, the pool was perfect for our needs and the accommodation was spacious and comfortable. We got a good breakfast every morning and there was a supermarket incredibly close and bars nearby. For the restaurants though, don't go down to the strip, get in the car and drive up to those overlooking the sea, such as El Avion which has an airplane in the middle of it! Do not stay here if you don't like touristy places, stay in Quepos a few miles away and do go on a river trip as the mangroves are very close; it was one of the highlights of our trip.

One of the sights on the mangrove boat tour: a capuchin monkey

Arco Iris, Monteverde, Santa Elena
It can get very hot, sunny and humid by the coast. In the cloud forest, it's colder and wetter, with weather just like an English Summer, except more humid and with regular thunderstorms. Santa Elena is a strange place, a town in the middle of nowhere, high up and with cloud forest all around. The wildlife in our hotel was almost nil, except the resident cats my nephew adored, but the breakfast was the best we had, full of locally sourced and grown ingredients, including on site. The emphasis here is on the environment, and the accommodation and resort reflected this. It was lovely, like alpine chalets and the town has everything you could need, though it can get very busy with its tourist shops. The local cloud forest we visited is easily accessible, but more about the trees than the wildlife, though we did see a coati, but in the car park!

A hummingbird in the cloud forest

Arenal Observatory Lodge, Arenal
For me, the best place we stayed in, saving it for last! The accommodation we had was a bit odd though, with the sink and toilet in separate rooms, but the shower was brilliant. The roads are shocking, but the place is stunning. We saw more bird life here than anywhere else, including a resident hummingbird right outside our lodge. There were also coatis, monkeys (both howler and spider monkeys), butterflies, frogs, geckos and my Dad saw a kinkajou. Nearby are numerous hot springs, if that's your thing. We went to Baldi as it has water slides and the lodge booked for us as we got a discount. The observatory has everything you need and were very helpful. The breakfast was fantastic and the views by the restaurant and bar are breathtaking of both the volcano and the lake. The grounds are extensive with hanging bridges, a swimming pool, massive jacuzzi, gardens, a waterfall and nature trails. Visiting the frog pond at night is a must. You can go horse riding and take advantage of their other activities. I could have stayed here forever just watching the changing landscape, exploring the trails and seeing some new creature every single day.

The swimming pool at Arenal and the volcano

A few tips about Costa Rica: if you're driving, get a 4x4; don't worry about power cuts or internet outages, they happen; always close the screens on windows and shutters otherwise you'll let the bugs in; revel in the wildlife, Costa Rica is a nature-lover's paradise; Don't spend all your time taking photos, some of my best memories are just sitting and watching the animals, my family and the world around me.

A crocodile chilling out by the bridge over the Tarcoles River