My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Burnout and us

There has been a lot of talk recently about burnout, especially as it was reported as a medical condition, widely covered in the press, but the WHO term it as an occupational phenomenon. It has been a topic where I work and something I wish to tackle in my role as a wellbeing advocate for the University of Cambridge.

However I came across an article that has made me rethink burnout and how it's actually a more personal topic than I realised. I immediately bookmarked the article as it intimately resonated with me. Ignore the fact that it's on Buzzfeed; it's basically an academic article: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

It has made me realise that I'm suffering from burnout, a generational and contemporary problem apparently. It is why among my group of friends, acquaintances and Facebook community, it seems very few of us have settled down, got married and had children. Some of them are only just starting to at the age of 35. Those who are just coming round to that idea, after finally getting to a place in their careers where they feel stable, are made to reconsider bringing new life into a world with uncertain political situations, unstable global circumstances and the decline in the climate and the environment.

That is not only the way I feel, but also my mental health has prevented me from even getting close to a place where children might be a possibility. Add to that my physical health; a recent diagnosis of endometriosis, after a few years of an "unusual presentation" of symptoms and almost 20 years of symptoms I was unaware of, which I will write about at a later date once I've had a procedure and seen a specialist, might mean it's impossible anyway or at least more difficult.

Let's break the article down. I'll try and beware of sweeping statements, but I will ignore the exceptions. One statement to start with: burnout isn't necessarily a bad thing to our employers, our families and those we rely on, "our capacity to burn out and keep working is our greatest value."

Millennials
If you're born between 1981 and 1996, you're classed as a millennial whether you like it or not. We went through extensive exams, global terrorism, the financial crisis. We grew up with computers, mobile phones and then social media. We're the most connected generation, but this has made us feel unconnected. Millennials are "struggling to achieve the same standards of living as our parents, operating in psychological and physical precariousness, all while being told that if we just work harder, meritocracy will prevail, and we’ll begin thriving. The carrot dangling in front of us is the dream that the to-do list will end, or at least become far more manageable."

Life has become work
Our work-life balance is gone. "That’s one of the most ineffable and frustrating expressions of burnout: It takes things that should be enjoyable and flattens them into a list of tasks." Even when we're not working, we might be treating life like work; TV programmes we watch become a box-ticking exercise, life experiences are on a mental to-do list and relationships/friendships can be treated like goals. We feel guilty when we're not working, so we're always on call, always contactable: "burnout isn’t a place to visit and come back from; it’s our permanent residence."

Errand paralysis
The time-intensive, analog tasks with little reward, but necessary sit undone. I put it down to anxiety, procrastination and laziness, which I've been beating myself up over for a while now, especially as I hadn't been through my finances for months. I've been putting off tasks at work which have no deadlines. I moved house a few months ago and I've been getting my stuff in order in phases. It's made me feel inefficient, unproductive and unmotivated. It's made me feel less engaged with life.

Self-optimisation
Everything we do has to be efficient. We take the shortest routes, easiest options, multi-purpose products: convenience is key. We're our own promoters, showing our best selves on Instagram and Facebook, sharing opinions on Twitter and creating a personal brand on LinkedIn. However the things that are supposed to help like website optimisation, there's an app for that and electronic customer service, only make things worse.

Decision fatigue
Life is full of options, it's difficult to choose. We're bombarded with information and information overload has become the norm. Our attention is divided all the time. Just having our phone on our desk, email alerts and a social media tab open, is an unconscious diversion. We are not just experiencing information overload, but cognitive overload.

"Self-care isn’t a solution; it’s exhausting."
We know there's a problem, with the rise in mental health problems. Meditation, yoga, health apps, sleep trackers, Marie Kondo... "What is anxiety if not the condition of trying to live under these conditions?"

The solution
If you're reading this expecting a solution? There isn't one.

"You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.” You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique."

We have to understand that "it doesn’t feel hopeless. It’s not a problem I can solve, but it’s a reality I can acknowledge, a paradigm through which I can understand my actions."