A Quiet book review

It's our work Christmas party today. For an introvert, it can be an anxious time. I've always known I'm an introvert, I just didn't know the term when I was younger. It's generally not good to have a label, but for me it helps me understand myself. I've been able to create a what-I-call pretence to seem more outgoing than I am; from first impressions, I come across as friendly, warm and talkative, but socialising is very tiring for me. I need something to focus on, an activity or purpose behind socialising, rather than just meeting up with people to chat, even when it comes to friends. That's why I love quizzes or any competitive activity. I believe you find out more about people by doing things with them than talking to them anyway.

My spirit animal

I'm on my work's social committee, so I helped organise our Christmas party. It's a benefit on the night, largely. However I have to stay to the end to help clear up, which means I can't escape if I need to. I'm going to have to have temporary escapes during the 8 hours from set-up to finish, so I'm doing the equivalent of 2 days of work in one day! I've also helped organise lots of other events, most I didn't go to! It does seem a tad contradictory to be on the social committee and also be basically a hermit. I prefer small groups of people to large parties and 1-2-1s. It takes the pressure off. But even after a simple night out, I find myself exhausted and mentally drained. I need time to recover on my own, or doing something alone.

Reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain, I now know why. I came to the book late, but when I started reading, I had to take notes as I was recognising so much. So here is my personal reaction to the book. There are labels other than introversion, high reactive, highly sensitive. One of the classic features of introversion is preferring to observe, listen rather than talk, which obviously can make us introverts compassionate. Empathy is a key part of my social personality, it's probably why I get exhausted when I'm with others. Empathy doesn't just mean understanding others, it goes beyond that to feeling the feelings of others: think of the empath Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation. It leads me to being a caring and compassionate person yes, but also gives me intense feelings of guilt, shame and regret. Emotions are difficult, introverts feel more, think more, love more: music, art, nature. Things can become too heavy, to quote Marty McFly.

I recognise this pose, classic defensive posture

There are physical aspects to introversion too, it's not all in your head. Thin skin means you're warmer, you sweat more easily, it's why I'm inherently uncool! I'm sensitive, not just to words and feelings, but also all the senses: sound, touch, taste, sights and smells. We get overwhelmed easily so we can't deal with stimulating, busy environments. Excessive stimulation leads to my key problem: anxiety. Introverts are threat oriented after all. Too much stimulation leads to stress and illness. Overarousal means we can't think straight, but it also means we're better than extroverts when we're tired. We need to find optimal stimulation, a sweet spot. It means no coffee, pain and illness are problematic.

Introverts' brains are highly connected, neurofeedback showed me that. I'm reflective, I think a lot of course, but I also don't give up easily as I come up with every permutation; I live in a world of possibilities, even the most unlikely ones. We don't like small talk, it pains us as it seems like a waste of time, we like to talk about deep things, deep talk. It also means I'm open and receptive to ideas. I learn from my mistakes, mainly because I dwell on them, still think about them even years afterwards. I ask questions, mainly to deal with the uncertainty, trying to get some firm footing. I have a strong conscience which means I'm highly principled and value value above all else; I have to have meaning and purpose.

A clear one for me is that introverts express ourselves better in writing than conversation, that's why we love social media and blogging so much. Solitude is key to creativity; we need our own space to work and to relax at home, a place to escape: a restorative niche, physical or temporal. It means around others, we appear inhibited. We need time to prepare, forewarning. Social fear can mean we conform to ensure we fit in and people like us, even when we know that it's wrong. We can experience a fear response to anything new.

When I socialise, or come out of my hermitage, I need alone time to recharge afterwards. We may wilt more easily, but we're also quick to flourish; we may not like change, but we're adaptable. Being watched, like when I'm teaching, presenting or making a speech can make introverts feel like we're being hunted, it's primal. Because of the world we live in, societal rules, we become good at pretending. But we're less interested in role playing, being someone we're not. We have an internal compass, we need passion projects. We need something we gravitate towards, you need to get us interested in our work. We have to make a deal with ourselves to go out, do something we don't want to do. It's emotional labour and too much leads to burnout. Suppressing our emotions, negative or positive can lead to a negative outlook. We operate on two levels: overwhelmed or detached. We find an inbetween difficult. It's why we avoid conflict where extroverts thrive on it.

Key takeaways: find your centre, it's quality not quantity of friendships, find work you love and work that matters, solve problems, make art, think deeply, contribute to the world, don't feel guilty about taking "me time" or crossing the street to avoid an acquaintance, spend your free time doing what you want and not what you're told, make deals to force yourself to socialise, delight in the originality of your mind, take pride in your conscience and loyalty, solve problems alone and then join together, be authentic to conserve energy and health, cultivate your inner landscape and deploy the powers of the quiet.

It seems I will do anything to avoid writing my book. However writing this book review has helped me understand why I'm a writer, why I love books so much and why I am who I am. I've used the word we a lot, which shows how much this book has meant to me. So hopefully it will give me the impetus to write my book, especially as this quote at the end of the book seems really apt: "Quit your job as a TV anchor and get a degree in library science."

The Quiet website

NB: Quiet has an amazing accompanying website, which includes a introvert-extrovert test you can take. The Wikipedia page is also very detailed. Susan Cain has done a TED talk and she has also turned the book into one for younger people.

Oh and finally, my name in print! Here's a photo of that work project which happened this week: