My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Inclusion: a personal revelation about why I'm a librarian

I've been hearing a lot about inclusion lately; the recent UXLibs IV conference in Sheffield has meant it's been a constant feature in my Twitter feed for a week and it's made me more attuned to it. I see it in the anniversary of Grenfell Tower, with the emphasis on community. I see it in many articles about the football World Cup in Russia due to the country's attitude towards LGBTQ people. Obviously, I see it in MeToo and TimesUp. I see it in much of the commentary about a certain president across the water from us. I was woken up to it close to home by the EU referendum, or more aptly the opposite of inclusion: exclusion. However as a middle class white female living in a developed country with free healthcare and education, I thought that I'm in a privileged position. But I haven't always been. It was in reading Christian's blog post of his UXLibs IV keynote, that I realised I haven't always been so privileged, that I have felt exclusion. For a long time in my life I was excluded and it has affected me ever since, in ways I'm just beginning to discover. It has lead me to search for groups, people and institutions that provide that sense of inclusion and community, for better or worse. I have a strong sense of loyalty to people and place. And it's why, even when I have been included, that I haven't felt the full force of that inclusion no matter how welcoming it is, because of the exclusion I felt at an impressionable time in my life. I work in a great library, among great people, in a great School for a great institution in a great city. I've probably been here longer than I should have been because I feel so included here. It was in reading this particular paragraph of Christian's that it hit me:

"I find the concept of belonging very important and very closely related to inclusion. I see belongingness as a fundamental emotional need for human beings to be an accepted member of a group: Could be a family, co-workers, religion, a football team or the UXlibs community. If you tell me you don’t need to belong I say you either a psychopath or a liar. We have a desire to belong and be a significant part of something that is greater than ourselves."
https://christianlauersen.net/2018/06/07/inclusion-and-belonging-in-libraries-and-beyond/

Exclusion and inclusion

One of my key drivers is to include others, to put others before myself and it's why being a librarian is an ideal job for me: libraries are open places, the best librarians are inclusive people and the library community is special to be part of because of their inclusivity.

That's the problem with the librarian stereotype; it's all about exclusion with the shhhing, the rules and the stern woman in a cardigan and haired pulled back into a bun. Librarians are usually the complete opposite; we try to be inclusive as we can get away with and UXLibs IV was designed to help us do that.

Libraries feel like safe places to me: havens and sanctuaries. I can relax in a library, feel at home and importantly be part of something, among my people! It happens when I walk into any library, an immediate sigh of relief. I should have thought about becoming a librarian sooner!

Alone in a library

WARNING: you might want to stop reading here as things get a bit personal from hereon in.

Here's a little history to explain. At primary school, a wonderful school; it wasn't their fault, they did all they could, all any school can; at the age of 10, I experienced my first sustained bullying. Up until then, I had a best friend and various groups of friends I hung around with. I went to their birthday parties and I was part of several groups, even the cool kids. I was basically included everywhere, apart from the boys of course! Afterwards, I only really had my best friend and this intense attachment broke our friendship up, but gradually over many years. I don't blame the others, it's the way schools are; one person gets singled out for being different; for me it was my glasses, intelligence and awkwardness; the others join in. I thought I had got away lightly as it was nothing particularly terrible as it was only really name calling and nothing physical. But thinking back, I should have realised it was the exclusion that was the worst thing; it's the worst thing about any bullying: the alienation, the loneliness and watching the world from the sidelines.

The grip of belonging

So where the bully lead, pretty much everyone else followed. They didn't bully me, they just excluded me, stopped inviting me to things, hanging around with me and finally, talking to me, apart from taking advantage of my intelligence to help with schoolwork, which I gladly gave them because at least they were paying attention to me! I was persona non grata. I was invisible. When my parents found out and alerted the school, things got a little better. But the damage to my relationships, forget friendships, with my classmates was irrevocable and they were never the same since. When we started secondary school, I hoped things would change, but they didn't, even with the bully in the other half of the school, so no chance of any classes with them; everyone had moved on.

That was the thing, the bully was one of my closest friends. I had recently gone to a sleepover round their house and not a group sleepover either. Then suddenly they turned on me. So it wasn't just the exclusion that was the problem, it was the withdrawal of inclusion. So for the rest of my life, throughout my friendships, professional relationships, let alone personal ones, I have always been on tenterhooks, not getting too close for fear of the future exclusion.

Standing out

It was only a year until secondary school, so I handled it by retreating to the library, the one place the bully wouldn't go and therefore find me. It's why libraries are the one place, apart from home and churches, where "my soul can rest".

I tried to move on, but I still saw the bully in the halls who'd take any chance they could to pick on me. When others saw, they caught on and it allowed various others to bully me. It was tacit permission to bully. I didn't help matters; my shyness, introversion and passivity stopped me from sticking up for myself. Friends I made came and went, often literally moving away, which didn't help my sense of abandonment. It wasn't until I was 16 that things got better, when I did my A-levels; I found a new group of friends, potential boyfriend and finally an identity of my own rather than just following what everyone else was doing in a desperate bid to belong, but then the anxiety and panic attacks hit.

Now I'm in the best place with my anxiety, realising the reasons behind my desire to be inclusive and actually using my intense aversion to exclusion for good and in my professional life, that can only be progress. My need to belong though, that is something I'm going to be working on for the rest of my life.