Music therapy

I have brought music back into my life. I realised how little music I listen to, just as part of film and TV soundtracks and on long car journeys: the only time I listen to the radio. It was a big part of one of my old jobs and it was crucial there; working at a police station can be extremely stressful. We listened to the radio, all day every day. I have a playlist full of music from that time and after the annual Cambridge Librarians conference I created a new one, which you can see on Spotify.

It's one of the three new year resolutions I made; I know, I don't usually make them, but I find myself at a transition point in my life mentally and I needed to make some changes: music via some cordless headphones, health and fitness (the first part being out of my hands and in the doctors') and writing my book, which is going slowly. However this is helping as music is a big part of my book. I toyed with the idea of at the beginning of each chapter naming a song as a thematic device, but that became too unwieldy. So, using Scott Pilgrim as inspiration; the author listed the songs he listened to when he was writing the book at the end; I have created a playlist for the book, which I will put on Spotify if it gets published.

Scott Pilgrim

Music helps me emotionally, so I don't know how I've done without it for so long. However I know why; in-ear headphones affect my balance as it changes the pressure inside my ears. Over-ear headphones are fine, but the cord gets in the way, so I needed cordless headphones. They're the best Christmas present I've had for years as they have changed my life. Listening to music over lunch has improved my mood no end, especially as I've been tipping towards depression. It's been long overdue as it is quite common with anxiety sufferers, but now I have a handle on my anxiety, it has started to manifest. The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack has been helping. The conference was too much for 70s and 80s music to combat though. Big social occasions overwhelm me, on three fronts: mentally, physically and both together. The social anxiety of having to mingle and make conversations, alongside crowds of people putting me literally off balance due to my vestibular condition and all the noise, commotion and activity affecting my high sensitivity. So, just like with the Christmas party, mentioned in my Quiet book review post, I was grateful to have a job to focus on; because my workplace was hosting it, I helped make sure our library looked the best it could be, creating posters and plasma screen slides beforehand and displays on the day. When I felt overwhelmed, I had the excuse to pop back and check on things, plus my natural conscientiousness drove me to do that anyway! There, I could deal with fewer groups of people, showing them round. However, unlike the party, I had to focus and listen and take things in. I had to engage my brain, so I really had to manage my issues which was doubly exhausting.

After the conference, I had adrenalin overload, a consequence of the anxiety. I did pop my head in the pub afterwards, but when I cringed every time I said anything, imagining social fauxpas, I knew I had to go home. I was right, as it kicked in when I got in the door. So I had to slow things down. If I don't do anything, it could trigger a panic attack and the subsequent adrenalin comedown, both aren't pretty and make me feel awful. So keen to avoid that, I went home and listened to my wind down playlist as I call it. The One Show and Death in Paradise, cosy, good-hearted and mildly challenging TV helped too. There are few Cafe Del Mar type pieces of music as my chillout tunes need words and lyrics, otherwise I can't connect with it. Let me know your own wind down music. Books are the ultimate way to wind down for me though.

I won't include the full list of songs here as you can see, and hear, it on Spotify; I've called the playlist wind down obviously. Instead, here is some of the reasoning behind my song picks: blur as Damon Albarn's just-got-out-of-bed voice is soothing and has real meaning behind it, not the youthful exuberance of their earlier songs, excepting The Universal, but those from Think Tank; Travis, my favourite band would always make an appearance, their mellower later tracks are beautiful and Fran's lyrics and melodies speak to me like nothing else; Leftfield as I'm always lulled by their tunes; The Levellers' Elation is a song that sends me to another place; Moondance is one of my favourites of all-time and the version from the film August Rush reminds me of a great moment; Shakespear's Sister is a real nostalgia trip and Stay takes me back in time to listening to the radio on my way home from swimming, all sleepy and relaxed; Sit Down by James has some of my favourite lyrics which make me feel like I'm not alone; Vangelis is one of the best film composers and his music is so out of this world I'm not me anymore; there are songs that bring back memories from great films and TV like Disney which would always make it to any of my playlists, the dreamy The Life Aquatic, seductive performances in The Bronze on Buffy, the excellent Veronica Mars soundtrack and music from my favourite TV series Alias; Elbow's Mirrorball can send me to sleep in the best way; Into Dust by Mazzy Star is trance-like; some songs are self-explanatory just from their titles such as Moby's Down Slow, Will Young's Let It Go  and Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence, one of my favourite songs ever; some artists are just perfect for winding down to such as The Lighthouse Family's smooth tones; and finally Gotta Get Thru This was the soundtrack to my first panic attack-ridden months and was one of the things that literally got me through. I will be forever grateful to Daniel Bedingfield for bringing that song out when he did, so the acoustic version is my go-to to wind me down when nothing else will work.

There are songs I wanted to include, but were either too emotive like Sarah McLachlan, come from films or TV programmes that had too big an impact on me or were songs that remind me of a part of my life that isn't conducive to relaxation. The exception that proves the rule is the Star Trek: Voyager theme as it reminds me of early evenings when I was a kid, warm and snuggly after I'd had my bath. I hope you find some of these helpful, they mostly have a slow rhythm that mimics a relaxed heartbeat and none of them are melancholy, but hopeful and neutral.

Bonus: Here's a Travis song not on Spotify, a lovely Viennese Waltz style song all about me!

Cognitive recalibration: A superhero you can believe in

I believe in superheroes! I can finally say it. I love superhero films and have watched almost all of them, even Mystery Men and the less said about that film the better. However I have never had that suspension of disbelief where I truly believed in the performance, except for maybe Christopher Reeve in Superman, but I was a kid then so it doesn’t count, especially as I was a kid with an overactive imagination. That's all I'm saying about the Superman incarnations by the way and I'm not going to even mention Fantastic Four, though Chris Evans was the only good thing in it.

Tom Holland as Peter Parker/Spider-Man

That is until now. Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Homecoming... I don't know, it was like he was born to play the part. His dancing background playing Billy Elliot on the stage, which means he can sing as well as dance and act, making him a triple threat, certainly helps. His part in The Impossible was challenging to say the least and his is the character that stays with you long after the film is finished, such is the strength of his performance, not Naomi Watts, not Ewan McGregor and not even the tsunami. That performance was so realistic and he's done the same with Peter Parker, he simply is him. He makes you truly believe in him, not only as the teenage superhero, finally a real looking and acting teenager, but that it could be possible he could do those amazing feats. You didn't have just a montage of him figuring out his powers, the entire film covered that. He didn't have it all figured out and do everything right, in fact he pretty much screwed up the entire film too. He was a dork but a standard dork and not in a cutesy slapstick way. He was smart but not prenaturally intelligent. He was flawed in a very human sense, not a superhuman. What I'm trying to say is, he was wholly relatable, not a mass of characteristics, which made the film the most enjoyable out of all the superhero films. It helped that it was so playful, playing with the superhero tropes, with the comic references and a few in-jokes. Also, the villain had a proper arc and you understand why he became the super villain, not just for revenge or because he is simply evil.

Now, I can hear you say, what about Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield? Fine actors to be sure, but they were too old certainly (adults playing teenagers, it's never believable, just look at Grease), too sure of themselves (Spider-Man is constantly trying to find himself, he is a teenager after all) and too cool to truly play the part; as much as they tried to be geeks and Andrew Garfield particularly got the awkward dorkiness, they never overcame their inner coolness.

The MCU

Now, you’re interjecting with other superheroes. So here’s a rundown of the best; The Incredibles wins it hands down, but cannot be included as it's a cartoon. I love all these performances by the way, but they never make me believe in them as a superhero and I have a very vivid imagination! NB: I'm classing a superhero as someone who has super powers, rather than someone with a load of gadgets and is highly trained, like Danger Mouse. Batman for example being the exception that proves the rule of course.

Wonder Woman, I had to start with her and I hope she's the first of many and because she's the first, she's the superheroine who will spawn better films, but Gal Gadot being both beautiful and powerful; she trained in the Israeli military; she looked the part, but never quite got beyond the surface acting-wise, they just plonked her in situations and set-pieces and let them do the talking.

Hugh Jackman made Wolverine his own, which is amazing and he's by far the best thing about any of the X-Men films, but he isn’t Wolverine as he can't quite portray his berserker rage among other things.

Avengers gif.

Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth certainly look like Captain America and Thor and are great actors, but that’s it. They are icons, idols, figureheads, they represent abstract concepts so you never see the person underneath, but we may do in future films.

Tom Hiddleston embodies Loki and relishes the part, but you can see his joy underneath which is wonderful, but all too knowing.

Mark Ruffalo makes for an interesting Bruce Banner/Hulk and I’d love to see him in a standalone film, but the casting is too leftfield, which I adore, to be convincing.

Patrick Stewart was inspired casting for Professor X; he has the looks obviously, but also the gravitas, sly humour and air of authority. however he’s an actor’s actor, you can see his process. Same goes for Ian McKellen as Magneto.

Guardians of the Galaxy, what can I say. The most fun of the superhero movies as they accept their super powers completely, wholeheartedly enjoy them and in the case of Peter, SPOILER lets them go with a shrug. They don't hide their comic book credentials, they wear them with pride!

And finally the exceptions:

Tony Stark/Iron Man is Robert Downey Jr., not the other way round. Period.

Batman. No one has ever quite played Bruce Wayne and Batman and made both parts cohere; they were better at either one or the other, or average at both, sorry Adam West. Though Will Arnett as Lego Batman comes close!

LEGO Batman

Paul Rudd is perfect for Ant-Man, but that part was never going to be credible, especially as they’ve skewed it to comedy.

Honourable mentions go to:

Jessica Jones

Chronicle, which I haven't seen yet but looks brilliantly different, Black Panther which looking at the trailer is going to be amazing, Doctor Strange who Cumberbatch plays as an amalgam of Sherlock and Khan, the Disney (not Marvel Disney) movie Sky High, the deconstruction of the superhero movie Unbreakable, the "I don't give a damn" superhero movies Deadpool and Hancock, and the TV superheroes: Buffy the Vampire Slayer a superhero in all but name; all of the Misfits, if you've never seen it, watch it, it's... indescribable, incredibly raw and inconceivably crude; Heroes (the first season for Hiro, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Claire and Isaac and Heroes Reborn which is something in itself); the inhumans in Agents of SHIELD, but the humans are better characters; Jessica Jones, the fantastic Krysten Ritter from Veronica Mars ably supported by David Tennant who you will never see in the same way again; Mike Colter in Luke Cage who could have been transported off the page, but hasn't got the acting range; Charlie Cox in Daredevil who erases that much maligned film from your mind; can't wait for The Defenders, which combines all three, plus *mutter* The Iron Fist; Dan Stevens in Legion, a bizarre series you just have to watch as it has to be seen to be believed; Stephen Amell in Arrow who is a great role model; another too cool geek Grant Gustin in The Flash; Melissa Benoist in Supergirl who is adorkable; all of The Legends of Tomorrow but especially Wentworth Miller; and The Tick, both cartoon and live action. I love you all and despite the extra time you have to play your superheroes, there's something about watching you every week in my living room which makes it too intimate; you can see everything they're thinking and feeling, making you believe in them less over time conversely rather than more, but by then, they're already in your heart.

Marvel's The Defenders

Or is it just me?

P. S. Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference in the title.

The emotional impact of the EU referendum

Brexit grief

There's been a lot of talk about the physical aspects of the referendum result, what it means politically, financially and nationally, but what does it mean to one person and their mental well-being? Everyone, leave and remain voters alike are worried. Some leave voters are regretting their decision and they have to live with the guilt. Some are staunchly stubborn, believing they made the right decision. They are the ones who voted on sentiment to the detriment of the facts. All the leave voters who are defending their decision, their reasons can be refuted now, through politicians backtracking or the realisation that what was promised isn't actually feasible, such as with immigration, apart from that is, those who voted for independence. You can't argue with patriotism, I know because I'm a patriot.

Grief

In the wake of the result, the five stages of grief by Kübler-Rosswere were doing the rounds amongst my echo chamber. It was very apt as I'm grieving; I'm in mourning for a world that's now gone. It may not feel like it at the time, but with a general election, nothing really changes if a new party gets in or if we get a new Prime Minister. The faces change, some policies change, but pretty much everything stays the same. If things do change such as privatisation of services, such as the loss of post offices and pubs, we have time to either fight it or get used to it. But with leaving the EU, though they said nothing much would happen for two years, it feels like our whole world has changed over night; I went to sleep in one world and woke up in a new one.

Charlie Brown

Of those 5 stages of grief, acceptance wasn't included. However I'm all of the other four, fluctuating between them which has been exhausting. I would like to stay in denial, no matter how deluded it is, as anger is destructive, bargaining is useless as we're all helpless now; our part is done; and depression is unhealthy to say the least. But I would also like to add one more to that model: anxiety.

I have written about it before: I have lived with anxiety for half my lifetime now. One of the main causes is the fear of uncertainty. Not knowing what's going to happen is a real problem for me. Anticipation is my worst enemy. Once that's over, I'm fine, for example when I have to speak publicly; once I'm speaking, I'm generally fine, but beforehand, I'm a wreck. So as you can imagine, having nationwide uncertainty is my worst nightmare. The only thing worse would be to have worldwide uncertainty such as when, around the time I was first suffering with anxiety, 9/11 happened; I'll save universal uncertainty for the sci-fi epics.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Denial

On Friday the 24th of June, I was in a state of shock, teary, angry and anxious. On Saturday, I refused to deal with it and buried myself in denial, distracting myself with TV and films all day. So when it came to going to bed, it hit me like a shockwave. A tidal wave of anxiety hit. The flood gates opened. Sorry about those metaphors, but it's no exaggeration, it's what happened. I had a sudden and total panic attack, the worst in months, years even. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30am, keeping my brother up for hours until I felt stable enough to be alone; I was in a very dark place, fearful that what happened in Bruges was going to happen again: days of panic attacks all day every day, not eating or sleeping. I didn't want to go through that again, put my loved ones through that again, not being able to work so putting my colleagues through it again. I didn't want to be a burden, so you can work out where my mind took me and why I didn't want to be on my own. I was fine the next day, though extremely tired, and I'm fine now, but who knows with the days, weeks and months ahead how I'll react to the as yet unknown developments.

I Voted RemaIN

Now, a week later (is it only a week? It feels much longer), I still find myself, when I let myself think about it, with tears in my eyes and emotion taking over; just those "I voted RemaIN" stickers and badges and signs can set me off. So I don't think about it. I'm not burying my head in the sand and hanging on to false hope, because that way lies disappointment and I don't think I can take any more disappointment. I'm struggling as it is. Acceptance would save me from no end of grief. But why should I submit when so much is still up in the air? Why should I accept a result that was based on lies? Why should we consent to something based on such a tiny minority that even Nigel Farage wouldn't accept, before he won?

Nigel Farage

Anger

Disclaimer: I'm not angry that we (meaning Remain) lost. I'm not angry that Leave won. I'm angry that we all lost. I'm angry that a campaign full of lies, of false promises that have all been rescinded or reconfigured, of emotional and sentimental manipulation has won. I'm angry that Farage is parading his smug superiority all over the place, offending the EU. I'm angry that Boris basically campaigned for something he doesn't believe in to become the Conservative leader and therefore the PM and now he realises it's a poisoned chalice and that he has no support he isn't going to run for it. His statements about where to go from here prove that he wants what the EU offers without being in the EU. I'm angry that the hatred, infighting and blame culture has continued and has bled into the general population. Most of all, I'm angry that Cameron called the referendum in the first place; it wasn't needed, we weren't qualified to decide, he was just palming the decision off on someone else, shirking his responsibility, just as he has by resigning, as he didn't want to make it himself and was placating the dissenters in his now starkly divided party. It's destroying the Labour party. It has done what the BNP and UKIP have always wanted. And Cameron has blood on his hands; if it wasn't for the referendum, Jo Cox would still be alive. That's where my head is at right now.

Jo Cox memorial

I thought I saw myself as British first, English second and European third. But my reaction has proven it's not so clear cut. We may still be part of Europe, but we'll no longer have any real say in what happens. We've gone from being one of the biggest players and the most powerful to not having any power at all. We'll be the wallflower of Europe, there but not there, or even worse, not invited to the party at all. I've always been very proud that our little island is so prominent in the world of politics, economics and culture, but that position has been rocked by what we have done. When you're part of a team, one that you've been a part of for many years, that has done good work, but you've realised isn't working like it should anymore, then you shouldn't just throw it all away, throw away that history and undo all that hard work. When you're an integral part of a team, you must know the effect your departure would have, not just on the team, but on you too. We're starting to realise that yes, we put a lot of time, money and effort into the EU, but what we put in was more than paid back. No one seemed to realise how many European funds, grants, rules and regulations benefited us. It's going to affect research, joint projects and industry standards. It'll affect science, universities, industry, the list is endless. The effects are unquantifiable.

Anger from Inside Out

Facts that either no one thought about, barely mentioned, buried, put their heads in the sand about or no one took any notice of: we'll all have to have new passports, we'll have to go through the much-longer non-EU queue in the airport, number plates will have to change, we'll need a border here in Calais, Scotland will leave, Gibraltar will leave and there will be trouble in Ireland. The promises made will not be kept just like with every other political campaign. No one thought anything would happen this quickly, ignoring the unsurprising immediate hit to our currency, losing the cost of the NHS for an entire year in mere hours. Areas of England are asking for independence, not least the capital. So the idiots who made protest votes, revenge votes to stick it to the government, naive votes citing ignorance, those blindly saying that this is only short term, that there will always have been difficult short-term impacts and we just need to hold out for the long-term benefits, don't realise that it will be too little too late.

Bargaining

Even if we can call a second referendum, even if the politicians ignore the vote and remain anyway, even if Scotland can declare the referendum unconstitutional, the damage has been done. We will never get the money lost back. People have lost jobs. Reputations have been destroyed. Cameron will always be the one who broke us and the EU up and potentially lost Scotland from the UK. We've lost the United Kingdom and made sure Britain can no longer be called Great. I blame Cameron totally for this. He made us make a decision he didn't want us to make, but the nation didn't decide the way he expected us to. He was a coward and a coward again for resigning. That is why we should never have had this referendum in the first place; we weren't qualified to make this decision. We not only have a lack of knowledge and understanding, but we can't be objective. Take away all the supposed facts, contradictions, confusion, manipulation and downright lies, it was sentiment, pure and simple that caused this. It is criminal as votes were stolen.

Pleading kitten

The worst thing though is that foreigners who have chosen us as their home, second generation and third generation immigrants, anyone who even vaguely looks like they aren't British have become a target for abuse. The campaign and the result have shown that the (tiniest) majority of this country are self-centred and selfish, voting for the independence of our nation from the EU, not because we were being dominated or forced to do things against our will, but because we didn't want to be part of something bigger than ourselves anymore, that we're turning our backs on people that need our help, because we've chosen the lazy cowardly option, instead of standing up for ourselves and others and try to change the EU, we've simply left it and walked away and it's going to tear it apart. Instead of fixing something, we've consigned it as rubbish. We could never have walked away quietly. It was always going to have a worldwide impact. We fixated on ourselves, as a country and as individual people. We didn't know or care or want to think about what impact it would have on anyone else.

Disgust from Inside Out

It's allowed people to express their xenophobic and racist views as they feel they have been validated and legitimised now, racial abuse and hate crimes have increased since the referendum. It temporarily made me lose my faith in humanity, something that has been unshakeable up until now. Some people voted leave in the erroneous belief that all the immigrants will now have to leave, others because they were mislead by the leave campaign that we will be able to change our immigration policy. We can, but it means we'll probably have to leave the single market. The EU have said so as we can't pick and choose. We can't have the best of both worlds. So to reduce immigration, we'd have to suffer increased prices on products, which I doubt most people want and would be far more impactful than immigration to our daily lives.

There are areas which voted for leave the most that will be among the most negatively affected, economically and regulatory, by leaving the EU. It's a hideously broad generalisation, but one that is being reported in the media a lot, that the richer areas voted the most to remain and the poorer areas the most to leave, but with the inevitable economic uncertainty and highly potential recession, they will be hit the hardest by leaving the EU. Why did no one think of all this when they voted? In the same way, the stats show more young people voted to remain and more older people to leave. It's the young people who will have to live with this.

Sadness from Inside Out

Depression

I live in a bubble, a bubble of librarians who practically all feel the same way as me. I work in a university, which feels the same way as me. I work in a business school, which as a whole feels the same way as me. Having like-minded people around me has been a huge comfort to me. However it all feels false now. At parties, at work and at school, we all gravitate towards people we know, they introduce us to people they know and the cycle continues. Unless you make a conscious effort, in real life or on social media, you will talk to people who think and live like you. I am no longer in a bubble; it has been popped by those who voted leave. That bubble has been shielding me and even if I try and recreate it, there would be no point. I have seen and heard what's on the outside and I can no longer go back. I think you could say a small part of me is having an existential crisis.

Bubble burst

The emotional impact is not about the fact we're leaving the EU, it's more complicated than that. I've lost my home; I've lost the people I thought I was sharing this home with. I'll never look at other people the same way again, thinking did they vote leave and if so, why? It was an Auden "stop all the clocks" grief moment; how can you be walking around like nothing has happened, laughing and talking? Everything else seemed superfluous. Every conversation I have had since seems to lead back to the referendum, whether it's about Game of Thrones, Gilmore Girls or what we're having for dinner. If we had referendumitis before the vote, what do we have now? I have thought, like many people, about leaving, moving to Scotland like many Americans have threatened to move to Canada if Trump becomes President. But this is my home, though it doesn't feel like it anymore. There's no longer solid ground beneath my feet and everything's uncertain. Our world is changing, I woke up to a new world last Friday and it seems to be changing every day. The emotions I've been feeling are not because of the referendum, but what the referendum has revealed. The loss I'm feeling, it's the loss of a nation I thought I knew, but clearly didn't know at all.