Holiday anxiety

Going on holiday causes me a great deal of anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I love travelling, seeing places, experiencing other cultures, being embedded in a new world. However, the going on holiday, that's an altogether different thing. First off, there's the anticipation. Our recent holiday to Costa Rica took months of discussions, much planning and it's a long flight. So there was a lot of time to think about it, the distance, the difference and the disturbance. For my previous big holiday to The Philippines, I tried to bury my head in the sand, which didn't work out, as it only caused more uncertainty; a week before I was having panic attacks and it was an exceptionally fraught journey. So I did the opposite with Costa Rica, reading two guidebooks cover to cover way in advance of booking anything other than the flights and involving myself totally. Knowledge helps as anxiety is all about uncertainty. So understanding what the place is like, reading up on it and knowing where we're staying and what we will be doing really helped and the result: no panic attacks at all.

A nicer way to travel: horse riding at Arenal

Then there's the actual travelling. Car journeys are tough and we've done some long car journeys: up to Scotland several times (8 hours), deepest Wales (6 hours) and all the way across Europe to Germany (days). I've only had panic attacks a few times on car journeys and they weren't about the car journey: bad weather where vehicles were aquaplaning all over the place; I was already having a panic attack and had been having them for days during my mini breakdown; and due to my balance problem causing me to feel like I was on rollercoaster and I'd just seen the final Harry Potter film at an old-fashioned cinema and it had messed with my head. Boat trips are worse because I get seasick, but I can handle it better as it's easier to combat it. Big boats like ferries are no problem as you can barely feel they're moving. With smaller boats, I just go to the front and watch the horizon, so no panic attacks there. It even gave me a indelibly memorable moment in The Philippines: I was alone at the front of the boat and a whole flock of flying fish just erupted before my eyes. But plane journeys, they've caused several panic attacks. I don't like being in situations I can't get out of easily, not enclosed spaces as such, things like lifts, caves, tunnels, planes, queues, even complicated clothing... The plane panic has got so bad, I've been physically sick and that was on a 4-hour flight. The Philippines took two flights of seven and then eight hours. I was dreadful on the first flight. On the second, I was simply exhausted. However on the flight to Costa Rica, a journey of almost 11 hours, I was fine, apart from a small blip after eating and when I was between films; I just have to keep my mind preoccupied.

I could never be as relaxed as a sloth, especially those at Toucan Rescue Ranch

I had prepared, taking: a book I was already really into and couldn't wait to find out what happened next and another book which was a romcom I had been itching to read; a puzzle book which occupies my mind like nothing else; music and noise cancelling cordless headphones including tracks explicitly designed to combat anxiety, so much so they advise you not to listen to it while driving or operating machinery; a pad of paper so I could get my thoughts down if I needed to; my notes on my book in case I wanted to do some actual writing; and my pills as an emotional crutch. I didn't need any of them; turns out, all I needed was the in-flight entertainment, being careful of what I watched, sticking to family films, comedies and light drama; I saw five films there and five on the way back: Early Man, Ferdinand, Peter Rabbit, Lady Bird and Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa on the way there and Peter Rabbit, Love, Simon, Blockers, I, Tonya and Isle of Dogs coming home. Yes, I watched Peter Rabbit twice, I just loved it so much, which was a surprise as I adore Beatrix Potter, heard bad things about it and probably wouldn't have seen it if not for the flight. I even found some wellbeing videos while investigating what was on offer: BA provides for their customers.

My bedroom on Tresco, in the Isles of Scilly

The other issue is I'm a complete and utter homebody. I like my own bed. In fact, there's only been one holiday where I've slept well and that's because the bed was amazing: Tresco in the Isles of Scilly. I can't sleep on anything that moves, or I can feel moving anyway, so planes are completely out, cars and smaller boats are problematic, but big ferries are fine. Because I was the last person to lock our front door and even though I did it in such a way as I would remember, using my left hand instead of my dominant right hand, I still spent the entire holiday in Costa Rica thinking I didn't lock the door. I had, obviously. But anxiety makes you believe you're an idiot!

I adapt very quickly and we were on holiday for three weeks. Three weeks is a long time and I didn't realise how much I'd adjusted until we got back. It’s enough time for the roadworks that were the bugbear of my daily commute to move elsewhere, for the goslings I see every day to become indistinguishable from their parents and for my team at work to change again. I could no longer overtake anyone on my bicycle, probably due to the lingering virus, rather than being unfit; we did a lot of walking. It's enough time for cobwebs to grow on my bicycle locks. It's enough time for the UK to get better weather than Costa Rica!

Some of the beaches were all but deserted, like this one in Montezuma, despite being beautiful

A strange thing happens when I'm on holiday: I don't get anxiety, not full-blown anxiety anyway, just your ordinary run-of-the-mill anxiety that most people experience, but not me. I was challenged, but my anxiety didn't take over like it usually does, even when I was ill having caught a horrible virus; being ill on holiday far from home is my worst nightmare; even when there was a massive thunderstorm for hours on end, even when we were driving roads with massive potholes (Great Britain has nothing on Costa Rica) along high roads with steep drops in the middle of nowhere. It helps that in The Philippines and Costa Rica, we were visiting family and I had my niece and nephew to concentrate on. Home is not a building, but the people you love. But it's happened on other holidays too. It's like being away from home is a holiday from the worries of daily life, a vacation from reality. I do things that I wouldn't normally do like going surfing when my balance problem should stop me, using an outdoor shower without thinking about the huge bugs and trying new food when I'm a picky eater. I'm trying to hold on to that now I'm home.

Me swimming with trout in a waterfall river

I won't be doing any night walks again though; we did ours from Monteverde, but you can do them from practically anywhere. It was a great experience; there are no pictures as my camera wasn't good enough, though we saw a sloth, kinkajou, armadillo, tarantula, snakes and many birds and insects. We got better photos on our own night walk in Arenal. But it's not something I'll be doing again. I probably wouldn't have booked it for myself, just like the surfing, and for the same reason: my balance problem. It's easy to see how being permanently off kilter would stop me from surfing, but you wouldn't think it would affect me walking around in the dark. However it's one of my biggest problems. We had torches, though when we had to turn them off to see a scorpion in UV light, I had to grab hold of someone for fear of falling over. There was an added complication. My niece wanted to hold my hand, so I spent practically the whole time with her, apart from when I got annoyed at her jumping over things and flashing her torch in my face, but she came back to me. This would normally be fine, but when I'm concentrating so hard to keep myself upright, having to look after her as well and fearing that if I go over, she'll go with me was difficult. However it did help with the anxiety, having someone else to focus on!

A red-eyed tree frog on our own night walk in Arenal

I must admit it’s difficult being back. Not for the usual reasons: tiredness but not jetlag, back to reality, back to work, back home and the football and Wimbledon being over. It’s for more subtle reasons, other than missing my family of course. When I open my curtains in the morning, it’s not a hummingbird I see but a pigeon, bunny rabbits not agoutis and the birds flying overhead are not vultures, but pigeons. Everywhere is yellow and dry rather than lush and green. In Costa Rica, everywhere is so full of life, wildlife, from birds to butterflies, from lizards to insects. I keep looking at tress moving, expecting to see a monkey and seeing a squirrel, looking at every bird expecting to see something interesting and listening out for rumblings in the sky in the afternoon. My alarm clock is my phone, not howler monkeys, thunderstorms or my niece creeping in to see if I’m awake. The fruit is smaller and less exotic. The potholes are smaller and less numerous.

Me with an owl butterfly at La PazWaterfall Gardens

However the holiday has changed my world view, more so than when I went to The Philippines and Bali, but less so than when I went to Tunisia as a teenager. Costa Rica, for all its wildlife, beauty and landscape, has made me grateful to live here, despite the politics, due to the health and safety (though we have gone too far), advanced infrastructure and less obvious poverty. It has taught me to look around more closely; you never know when you’re going to see a different bird, lizard or something interesting; to walk bare foot and to try new things like swim in a trout-filled river! Above all, I have returned with a renewed sense of confidence, though that has taken a knock as I was stuck in my glasses while waiting for my contact lenses to be redelivered. I'm proud of how well I coped. With that confidence comes an acceptance of unconditional love and friendship; my limpet of a niece didn’t want to spend all that time with me because I have a radiant personality, looked good or am witty, it was because I’m her “Auntie Sarwah.” So my experiences have lead me to an acceptance of who I am, to accept me for me, which is no small thing. I have made a resolution to take the holiday spirit and apply it to my anxiety. Let's see how I get on!

A mother and baby spider monkey, just because

Here are my reviews of the places we stayed, it's mostly about the animals I saw as I'm a nature-lover:

San Jose
The first place we stayed in was my brother's place near to San Jose. From there we visited three wonderful places, though I can also recommend Museo Nacional de Costa Rica in San Jose:

My brother's place

Zoo Ave
You will see wild animals in amongst the rescued ones. You will see animals you won't see anyway else, including a tapir (unless you're very lucky), peccary (unless you're very unlucky as they're dangerous) and pumas (to see a big cat is highly unlikely). You will see how we should always put wildlife before ourselves.

These squirrels were everywhere

La Paz Waterfall Gardens
Known for its waterfalls and its hummingbirds, my favourite part was the butterfly house. They also have sloths, toucans and poison frogs. You won't see one of their residents anywhere else, unless you're very very very lucky and that's a jaguar. The walk down to the waterfalls is actually quite easy, though it is a lot of steps and they'll bus you back up. However just sit by the hummingbird feeders by the entrance or down by the excellent restaurant and you'll marvel at the wonder of nature.

A jaguar at La Paz Waterfall Gardens

Toucan Rescue Ranch

One of the most memorable places I have ever visited. It may be named after the toucans, but they have lots of other animals including big cats like the ocelot, porcupines, raptors, parrots and most famously, sloths. If you want to see sloths up close, baby sloths and how a country should treat its wildlife, then this is the place for you. You will need to book a private tour and you will get an informative and passionate guide to show you round. It may be a tiny place, but it will occupy a huge space in your mind.

This is hard to see, but it's one of the lucky ones as it's at Toucan Rescue Ranch

Casa Frangipani, Montezuma
This was one of the standouts of the entire holiday and we almost didn't go; it was a last-minute change after our flight to Tortuguero was cancelled as the airline had a fatal crash and weren't flying. You will need to take a car ferry there, but it's worth it. We were high up, overlooking the coast so we could see the ocean and we were surrounded by rainforest. We saw more animals in the first day than we'd see staying next to a National Park! Vultures perched on a tree branch, howler monkeys including babies in the trees next to the pool we were swimming in, agoutis bounding around, hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower, flycatchers and other birds chirping from the canopy, leaf-cutter ants constantly marching in line and countless butterflies. The accommodation was nothing outstanding, but it had an amazing balcony, a roof terrace we never used and an outdoor shower only I used. Montezuma, the village nearby has a great Italian restaurant, a bohemian feel and incredible beaches just up the road. I can highly recommend the tidal pools and surfing beaches, where you'll see pelicans diving for fish. Beware, the roads are terrible.

The pool at Casa Frangipani

Club Del Mar, Jaco
On the way, stop off at the bridge over the Tárcoles River to see the crocodiles. We were in Jaco when I was ill, so I didn't explore much, mostly dosing and getting through two tissue boxes, but we saw an iguana climb the tree just outside our place on the first day and it proved to be a regular visitor, scarlet macaws flew over and fed from the trees by the resort's beach every morning and the butterflies again were amazing. The accommodation was the best we stayed in: spacious, comfortable and with superb facilities. The resort itself was fantastic with a great breakfast every day and excellent staff, a lovely pool and beach I didn't use complete with surfing lessons and a chilled-out atmosphere. Jaco is basically a strip of shops and your typical white sandy town beach, not that I'd know.

One of the residents at Club Del Mar lazing by the pool

La Posada, Manuel Antonio
Its location cannot be faulted as it's right next to the National Park entrance, but it's also its downfall because it's in a busy area with street sellers touting their wares all day; the bird whistle sellers were a particular annoyance. However I saw my first and only raccoon here, there were hummingbirds around, iguanas, lizards and giant insects. We never saw any monkeys or sloths though until we entered the park, including on the castaway-like beach which is a must. The staff were so helpful and welcoming, the pool was perfect for our needs and the accommodation was spacious and comfortable. We got a good breakfast every morning and there was a supermarket incredibly close and bars nearby. For the restaurants though, don't go down to the strip, get in the car and drive up to those overlooking the sea, such as El Avion which has an airplane in the middle of it! Do not stay here if you don't like touristy places, stay in Quepos a few miles away and do go on a river trip as the mangroves are very close; it was one of the highlights of our trip.

One of the sights on the mangrove boat tour: a capuchin monkey

Arco Iris, Monteverde, Santa Elena
It can get very hot, sunny and humid by the coast. In the cloud forest, it's colder and wetter, with weather just like an English Summer, except more humid and with regular thunderstorms. Santa Elena is a strange place, a town in the middle of nowhere, high up and with cloud forest all around. The wildlife in our hotel was almost nil, except the resident cats my nephew adored, but the breakfast was the best we had, full of locally sourced and grown ingredients, including on site. The emphasis here is on the environment, and the accommodation and resort reflected this. It was lovely, like alpine chalets and the town has everything you could need, though it can get very busy with its tourist shops. The local cloud forest we visited is easily accessible, but more about the trees than the wildlife, though we did see a coati, but in the car park!

A hummingbird in the cloud forest

Arenal Observatory Lodge, Arenal
For me, the best place we stayed in, saving it for last! The accommodation we had was a bit odd though, with the sink and toilet in separate rooms, but the shower was brilliant. The roads are shocking, but the place is stunning. We saw more bird life here than anywhere else, including a resident hummingbird right outside our lodge. There were also coatis, monkeys (both howler and spider monkeys), butterflies, frogs, geckos and my Dad saw a kinkajou. Nearby are numerous hot springs, if that's your thing. We went to Baldi as it has water slides and the lodge booked for us as we got a discount. The observatory has everything you need and were very helpful. The breakfast was fantastic and the views by the restaurant and bar are breathtaking of both the volcano and the lake. The grounds are extensive with hanging bridges, a swimming pool, massive jacuzzi, gardens, a waterfall and nature trails. Visiting the frog pond at night is a must. You can go horse riding and take advantage of their other activities. I could have stayed here forever just watching the changing landscape, exploring the trails and seeing some new creature every single day.

The swimming pool at Arenal and the volcano

A few tips about Costa Rica: if you're driving, get a 4x4; don't worry about power cuts or internet outages, they happen; always close the screens on windows and shutters otherwise you'll let the bugs in; revel in the wildlife, Costa Rica is a nature-lover's paradise; Don't spend all your time taking photos, some of my best memories are just sitting and watching the animals, my family and the world around me.

A crocodile chilling out by the bridge over the Tarcoles River