I have always been a law-abiding citizen and technically I still am. So why do I feel guilty? Because I didn't wear a mask in a shop. No one questioned me or even gave me a sideways look, though I felt very self-conscious and paranoid that everyone was glaring at me. Luckily, the supermarket where we do our weekly shop is Sainsbury's and they aren't enforcing the regulations unlike other shops. I want to thank them for not even confronting me for not wearing a mask, as it did cause me anxiety not to wear a mask and it would have made it worse being questioned. Just in case, I downloaded an exemption notice from the government website, planned a speech and rehearsed conversations I might have if asked: it's a symptom of social anxiety, I rehearse phone conversations routinely. I have anxiety enough not wearing one, believe me. But to wear a mask would have been far worse anxiety-wise; in the government's exemption terminology, it would have caused me severe distress. There were others who were unmasked, but they may have had a legitimate reason for being exempt like me. I just hope people don't abuse their compassion. It didn't help that I have been comparing people who do not wear a mask when they should to anti-vaxxers. It's the same principle; you are protecting others by wearing a mask and those who don't are relying on those that do to stay healthy.
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| Exemption notice |
I will wear a mask if I'm nipping in and out of a shop or if it's a small place and I won't be spending much time there, but for larger places, I can't wear a mask. It's not that I don't want to, I really wish I could. It's that I fear what will happen if I do. When the announcement was made, an announcement I was dreading, I tried a mask out, when I picked up my prescription from the pharmacy and on a short car journey. Each was in a very controlled environment, but I felt claustrophobic, as if I couldn't breathe in properly, which is a major problem for someone with anxiety. It's one of the more minor symptoms of my anxiety disorder, usually, but I don't like feeling constricted; I don't like wearing scarves, I don't wear polonecks and when I feel anxious, I have to take off anything that makes me feel my breathing is being restricted, from jewellery to underwear. I never thought it would be an issue, but in these times, it has become one. I hate scenes in TV programmes and films where someone has to take their clothes off when they're having a panic attack, the classic is when they're stuck in a lift, but it is based on fact. So if I have that reaction to things around my neck, imagine how something over my mouth and nose makes me feel. I know masks have no effect on breathing, but anxiety cannot be reasoned with. For some people, masks are uncomfortable, for me, it can induce a panic attack.
I go out to one shop once a week to buy our groceries from the supermarket. I drive and my brother comes too to do our parents' weekly shop. We take 45 minutes or so to do the shopping, it's too much time for me to wear a mask. A few times during lockdown, I have been close to a panic attack due to anxiety about being around other people, fear of catching the virus yes, but not only due to my mental health, but also my physical health. I have a vestibular disorder which means my senses can get overwhelmed by seemingly innocuous factors and supermarkets exacerbate that: the neon lights, the rows of stacked shelves, other people moving about.
I was on the verge of a panic attack once, so much I feared I wasn't able to drive, this would have meant our shopping and our parents' shopping would be ruined. I took a deep breath before turning the engine on and then again when we got home. I know if my parents knew I felt this way, they would instantly say that they will do their own shopping from now on, but I am not prepared to put them at risk; they would be at greater risk as most people do not social distance once they are going round the shop, just queueing outside and at the tills.
This almost panic attack was before we had to wear masks. People will tell me to try wearing a mask and see how I go, find one I feel comfortable with. I have tried and not one makes me feel anything less than I cannot breathe properly and any symptom of a panic attack can bring on a panic attack with me, even increased heart rate from exercise or excitement. So the longer I have to wear one, the worse I feel and the more likely a panic attack will happen and the more I have to do while wearing one, the worse it is for me. With the added overwhelming of the senses, brain processing I have to do in the supermarket and the risk factor of having to drive afterwards, it is too much for me to wear a mask. You can put cool images on them and it will make me feel no different, even the one with Gandalf wearing a mask saying "you shall not pass" to the virus.
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| The Gandalf coronavirus face mask, available from Etsy among other places |
Once I stop working from home, I don't know what will happen, but my workplace is investigating visors instead of masks, so I'm hopeful. I wish I could wear a mask, I really do. I believe in masks, I believe we should have been wearing them long before. I want to protect others by wearing one, but I cannot do so without severely affecting my mental health and during this time, I have had to protect it and will continue to have to for many months and maybe years to come. People with mental health conditions walk a tightrope, they know that one slip could send them on a downward spiral, and those are very hard to recover from. Even if I'm okay one time, it doesn't mean I will be the next. Mental health can be unpredictable like that. I have to be selfish here, but I have a legitimate reason to be, those who don't, please wear a mask.
