My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Holiday inspiration

Wales will always have a special place in my heart, as do most of the places we went to on holiday when I was a child: Cornwall, Tenerife and Scotland. My holiday didn't get off to the best of starts as I was ill when we went and had to have the last day before we left off work. I was feverish, which is good for the imagination and the first few days, I wrote something whenever I had the time. I've written a poem that has always eluded me, finally managing to describe what a panic attack feels like in a poem. I'm going to save it for the book though. I just want to share a few holiday moments here that have inspired me, either for the book, for other pieces or in terms of mental clarity.

Aberglasney house and gardens

The previous times we went to Wales were either in the Summer or the Autumn half term, this is the first time we've been in daffodil season and they were everywhere! I finally understand what Wordsworth meant when he described them as a golden host. They never fail to brighten any mood.

Blue morpho butterfly

There is nothing better than achieving something you have long strived to get, for me this holiday it was a photo of a blue morpho butterfly with its wings open. There was a butterfly house at the National Botanic Garden of Wales and one was very obliging. They're my favourite butterfly and epitomise the ephemeral in my eyes: delicate, beautiful, powerful, ethereal and all too fleeting. They also represent my state of mind!

Laugharne estuary

As I said in my previous post, Laugharne has a hold on me unlike any other place I've been to. Going back after 20 years, seeing a view we used to see every day was pure nostalgia and gave me a boost I will never forget. Other things I barely remember, but not that view; it's ingrained in my memory.

My parents outside Laugharne Castle

We finally made it inside Laugharne Castle, after the fourth time of trying! I took inspiration from one of the greats, Dylan Thomas, who stayed at the castle and famously made Laugharne his home. His deep connection with his sense of place strikes a deep chord.

A blurry photo of an otter at Laugharne Castle

A day after I bought a cuddly otter at the National Botanic Garden of Wales; I picked it up and just couldn't put it down again; I saw a real live otter! I call it strange foresight. It's my first one in the wild and it was one of the highlights of my holiday.

Laugharne gravestone poem

Creative inspiration can be found in the weirdest of places, for instance a churchyard where I found this gravestone poetry. It sums up my feelings of revisiting Laugharne and how much of an impact it has had on me. I would love for my eternal resting place to have such a view.

The Mumbles causeway and lighthouse

Finally, spending time with my parents, having them all to myself, was a treasure. Even if we were silent, just sitting in each other's company, it was special. Going to a place my Mum had always wanted to go to, seeing another's pleasure, there is no greater inspiration, nor motivation.

A writing or writer's holiday

They say never go back. Nothing is ever as good as we remember. Sometimes they're right. I went to Scotland last year, to a hotel we went to years and years ago and had always wanted to return to and it wasn't the same. Mostly, because there were fewer red squirrels because they had cut down a lot of the trees. I also went back to the Lake of Menteith and Inchmahome Priory a few years ago and it was nowhere near as magical as the first time. But that place had grown to near mythic-like status in my mind, so much so, I constantly wear a ring on my left hand I bought there to remind me of the place and it helps me when I'm anxious; it centres me, grounds me and brings me serenity, taking me back to the first time I went there and luckily the second time hasn't marred the memory of bright sunshine after a rainy morning; the clouds literally parted as we got there; having the island almost to ourselves and the instant peace I felt as soon as I stepped off the boat and onto the island. I never take the ring off, even when I'm having a panic attack and all my jewellery and some clothes have to come off as it all feels constricting, that ring always stays on.

The Lake of Menteith and Inchmahome, so serene

However I'm returning to an area of the world I haven't been to for almost 20 years: Carmarthernshire. I went to Aberystwyth, Machynlleth and Ceredigion as recently as five years ago; Aberystwyth is where I did my library degree; but not further south. I love those three place names, spelling them, without help I might add, and mentally sounding them out. We had a favourite resort we stayed in many times near Laugharne, the home of the poet Dylan Thomas. We're not staying there as that would be a nostalgic step too far, but we will go back to Laugharne. I hope it lives up to the treasured memories. The last time we were there, I didn't have a digital camera, a mobile phone or any technology really other than a Tamagotchi! I'm hoping it will help clear my mind, shake off this fug and blow away this mental fog.

Laugharne beach

Basically I'm hoping this Easter holiday is going to force out this writer's block. Yes, I'm finally admitting I have writer's block. For me, that phrase makes me think about a lack of ideas, fear of the blank page and procrastination. However writer's block is at heart about a loss of confidence, fear of not being good enough and, okay, procrastination. Anyway, I've written about writer's block before and far more eloquently.

Mental veil

It feels like there's a veil between me and the world right now, where I'm existing, not living. I'm not experiencing anything other than on a shallow level, not making enough ties, bonds or relationships. Nothing is reaching me, tugging at my heart, funny bone or tear ducts. Apart from watching Harry Hill and Martin Kemp on Bake Off which did all three. Is it worrying that people I will never meet incite reactions far beyond those from the people I love and care about? It's difficult to explain, but I've felt this way many times during my life, sometimes so much I convince myself I'm an automaton, sometimes its only momentary. But this mental weather has set in. So, onward to Wales and forging deeper connections.

Tied to the 90’s

Harpagornis ~away~

A young library assistant (well she’s the youngest in the department) was walking around in her own little world, not seeing the reality of her profession, not particularly knowing where she was going and not really that bothered about it to be perfectly honest. That is until she found a wise group of Cambridge librarians who led her down a new path, one that led to enlightenment as to the ways of the world, one that opened up new possibilities and one where she was not alone in her journey. It made her realise that appearances, age and even gender can be misleading. She may have been at the right age to latch onto all the new technology as it came in: CD’s, the internet, DVD’s, mp3’s, chip and pin, digital radio and HDTV, but it doesn’t mean that she welcomed it. She misses the old Commodore 64, rewinding VHS tapes, recording the Sunday chart show onto cassette (timing it just right so she misses the waffle but not the start of the song), CD players where you can only listen to one album at a time and TV’s with dials instead of controllers (she even remembers a black and white TV). She was the last one to get a mobile in her group of friends, vowing to only use it in emergencies (we all know how that one ends), and she still hasn’t bought a new one, she was the last one on facebook and Twitter and the last to discover the joys of eBay and Amazon. jurvetson

This is a cautionary tale about someone who got complacent, who stopped exploring because they felt they knew all they needed to know and who, in doing so, became naive, stubborn and buried their head in the shifting sands of technology. In this age where we’re all literally connected, supposedly sociable over online networks and where we can speak to and see anyone, anywhere and at any time using webcams, she felt the growing dissension, realising that talking to people over the internet, whether it be posting on peoples’ walls on facebook, Twittering to the ether or via online forums, isn’t any substitute for face-to-face contact. She misses not being able to contact someone and having to live with that uncertainty, she misses answering the phone without knowing who it is and she even misses using phone boxes. Mostly, she misses trust. The internet has made everyone paranoid about privacy, we can check up on people whenever we like as we all have mobile phones, facebook pages and email addresses and everyone is going overboard (pun intended) about the piracy of music, TV and films.

Despite this new path, this cynicism about technology has remained; her overactive imagination has painted a dark picture of a dystopian future where gadgets, the web and robots have taken over everything. The fact that she cannot remember how she survived without computers, the internet and mobile phones only makes it worse. Whatever anyone thinks, she is old enough to remember that time. Nevertheless, that has now been tempered by her following in the wake of that wise group of librarians. She may have at least heard of if not used most of the things she discovered while on her Cam23 journey, but she had never realised their potential before. She has experienced how having a page where she can see lots of websites at once can prevent procrastination. She is enjoying sending and reading the twittering in the ether. She has started to see the benefits of having access to a whole library of beautiful images at your fingertips (it appeals to her sense of beauty, love of humanity’s quirks and her hoarding instinct). The best thing about this path? The journey hasn’t finished yet and it never will.

Tom Rydquist