The emotional impact of the EU referendum

Brexit grief

There's been a lot of talk about the physical aspects of the referendum result, what it means politically, financially and nationally, but what does it mean to one person and their mental well-being? Everyone, leave and remain voters alike are worried. Some leave voters are regretting their decision and they have to live with the guilt. Some are staunchly stubborn, believing they made the right decision. They are the ones who voted on sentiment to the detriment of the facts. All the leave voters who are defending their decision, their reasons can be refuted now, through politicians backtracking or the realisation that what was promised isn't actually feasible, such as with immigration, apart from that is, those who voted for independence. You can't argue with patriotism, I know because I'm a patriot.

Grief

In the wake of the result, the five stages of grief by Kübler-Rosswere were doing the rounds amongst my echo chamber. It was very apt as I'm grieving; I'm in mourning for a world that's now gone. It may not feel like it at the time, but with a general election, nothing really changes if a new party gets in or if we get a new Prime Minister. The faces change, some policies change, but pretty much everything stays the same. If things do change such as privatisation of services, such as the loss of post offices and pubs, we have time to either fight it or get used to it. But with leaving the EU, though they said nothing much would happen for two years, it feels like our whole world has changed over night; I went to sleep in one world and woke up in a new one.

Charlie Brown

Of those 5 stages of grief, acceptance wasn't included. However I'm all of the other four, fluctuating between them which has been exhausting. I would like to stay in denial, no matter how deluded it is, as anger is destructive, bargaining is useless as we're all helpless now; our part is done; and depression is unhealthy to say the least. But I would also like to add one more to that model: anxiety.

I have written about it before: I have lived with anxiety for half my lifetime now. One of the main causes is the fear of uncertainty. Not knowing what's going to happen is a real problem for me. Anticipation is my worst enemy. Once that's over, I'm fine, for example when I have to speak publicly; once I'm speaking, I'm generally fine, but beforehand, I'm a wreck. So as you can imagine, having nationwide uncertainty is my worst nightmare. The only thing worse would be to have worldwide uncertainty such as when, around the time I was first suffering with anxiety, 9/11 happened; I'll save universal uncertainty for the sci-fi epics.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Denial

On Friday the 24th of June, I was in a state of shock, teary, angry and anxious. On Saturday, I refused to deal with it and buried myself in denial, distracting myself with TV and films all day. So when it came to going to bed, it hit me like a shockwave. A tidal wave of anxiety hit. The flood gates opened. Sorry about those metaphors, but it's no exaggeration, it's what happened. I had a sudden and total panic attack, the worst in months, years even. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30am, keeping my brother up for hours until I felt stable enough to be alone; I was in a very dark place, fearful that what happened in Bruges was going to happen again: days of panic attacks all day every day, not eating or sleeping. I didn't want to go through that again, put my loved ones through that again, not being able to work so putting my colleagues through it again. I didn't want to be a burden, so you can work out where my mind took me and why I didn't want to be on my own. I was fine the next day, though extremely tired, and I'm fine now, but who knows with the days, weeks and months ahead how I'll react to the as yet unknown developments.

I Voted RemaIN

Now, a week later (is it only a week? It feels much longer), I still find myself, when I let myself think about it, with tears in my eyes and emotion taking over; just those "I voted RemaIN" stickers and badges and signs can set me off. So I don't think about it. I'm not burying my head in the sand and hanging on to false hope, because that way lies disappointment and I don't think I can take any more disappointment. I'm struggling as it is. Acceptance would save me from no end of grief. But why should I submit when so much is still up in the air? Why should I accept a result that was based on lies? Why should we consent to something based on such a tiny minority that even Nigel Farage wouldn't accept, before he won?

Nigel Farage

Anger

Disclaimer: I'm not angry that we (meaning Remain) lost. I'm not angry that Leave won. I'm angry that we all lost. I'm angry that a campaign full of lies, of false promises that have all been rescinded or reconfigured, of emotional and sentimental manipulation has won. I'm angry that Farage is parading his smug superiority all over the place, offending the EU. I'm angry that Boris basically campaigned for something he doesn't believe in to become the Conservative leader and therefore the PM and now he realises it's a poisoned chalice and that he has no support he isn't going to run for it. His statements about where to go from here prove that he wants what the EU offers without being in the EU. I'm angry that the hatred, infighting and blame culture has continued and has bled into the general population. Most of all, I'm angry that Cameron called the referendum in the first place; it wasn't needed, we weren't qualified to decide, he was just palming the decision off on someone else, shirking his responsibility, just as he has by resigning, as he didn't want to make it himself and was placating the dissenters in his now starkly divided party. It's destroying the Labour party. It has done what the BNP and UKIP have always wanted. And Cameron has blood on his hands; if it wasn't for the referendum, Jo Cox would still be alive. That's where my head is at right now.

Jo Cox memorial

I thought I saw myself as British first, English second and European third. But my reaction has proven it's not so clear cut. We may still be part of Europe, but we'll no longer have any real say in what happens. We've gone from being one of the biggest players and the most powerful to not having any power at all. We'll be the wallflower of Europe, there but not there, or even worse, not invited to the party at all. I've always been very proud that our little island is so prominent in the world of politics, economics and culture, but that position has been rocked by what we have done. When you're part of a team, one that you've been a part of for many years, that has done good work, but you've realised isn't working like it should anymore, then you shouldn't just throw it all away, throw away that history and undo all that hard work. When you're an integral part of a team, you must know the effect your departure would have, not just on the team, but on you too. We're starting to realise that yes, we put a lot of time, money and effort into the EU, but what we put in was more than paid back. No one seemed to realise how many European funds, grants, rules and regulations benefited us. It's going to affect research, joint projects and industry standards. It'll affect science, universities, industry, the list is endless. The effects are unquantifiable.

Anger from Inside Out

Facts that either no one thought about, barely mentioned, buried, put their heads in the sand about or no one took any notice of: we'll all have to have new passports, we'll have to go through the much-longer non-EU queue in the airport, number plates will have to change, we'll need a border here in Calais, Scotland will leave, Gibraltar will leave and there will be trouble in Ireland. The promises made will not be kept just like with every other political campaign. No one thought anything would happen this quickly, ignoring the unsurprising immediate hit to our currency, losing the cost of the NHS for an entire year in mere hours. Areas of England are asking for independence, not least the capital. So the idiots who made protest votes, revenge votes to stick it to the government, naive votes citing ignorance, those blindly saying that this is only short term, that there will always have been difficult short-term impacts and we just need to hold out for the long-term benefits, don't realise that it will be too little too late.

Bargaining

Even if we can call a second referendum, even if the politicians ignore the vote and remain anyway, even if Scotland can declare the referendum unconstitutional, the damage has been done. We will never get the money lost back. People have lost jobs. Reputations have been destroyed. Cameron will always be the one who broke us and the EU up and potentially lost Scotland from the UK. We've lost the United Kingdom and made sure Britain can no longer be called Great. I blame Cameron totally for this. He made us make a decision he didn't want us to make, but the nation didn't decide the way he expected us to. He was a coward and a coward again for resigning. That is why we should never have had this referendum in the first place; we weren't qualified to make this decision. We not only have a lack of knowledge and understanding, but we can't be objective. Take away all the supposed facts, contradictions, confusion, manipulation and downright lies, it was sentiment, pure and simple that caused this. It is criminal as votes were stolen.

Pleading kitten

The worst thing though is that foreigners who have chosen us as their home, second generation and third generation immigrants, anyone who even vaguely looks like they aren't British have become a target for abuse. The campaign and the result have shown that the (tiniest) majority of this country are self-centred and selfish, voting for the independence of our nation from the EU, not because we were being dominated or forced to do things against our will, but because we didn't want to be part of something bigger than ourselves anymore, that we're turning our backs on people that need our help, because we've chosen the lazy cowardly option, instead of standing up for ourselves and others and try to change the EU, we've simply left it and walked away and it's going to tear it apart. Instead of fixing something, we've consigned it as rubbish. We could never have walked away quietly. It was always going to have a worldwide impact. We fixated on ourselves, as a country and as individual people. We didn't know or care or want to think about what impact it would have on anyone else.

Disgust from Inside Out

It's allowed people to express their xenophobic and racist views as they feel they have been validated and legitimised now, racial abuse and hate crimes have increased since the referendum. It temporarily made me lose my faith in humanity, something that has been unshakeable up until now. Some people voted leave in the erroneous belief that all the immigrants will now have to leave, others because they were mislead by the leave campaign that we will be able to change our immigration policy. We can, but it means we'll probably have to leave the single market. The EU have said so as we can't pick and choose. We can't have the best of both worlds. So to reduce immigration, we'd have to suffer increased prices on products, which I doubt most people want and would be far more impactful than immigration to our daily lives.

There are areas which voted for leave the most that will be among the most negatively affected, economically and regulatory, by leaving the EU. It's a hideously broad generalisation, but one that is being reported in the media a lot, that the richer areas voted the most to remain and the poorer areas the most to leave, but with the inevitable economic uncertainty and highly potential recession, they will be hit the hardest by leaving the EU. Why did no one think of all this when they voted? In the same way, the stats show more young people voted to remain and more older people to leave. It's the young people who will have to live with this.

Sadness from Inside Out

Depression

I live in a bubble, a bubble of librarians who practically all feel the same way as me. I work in a university, which feels the same way as me. I work in a business school, which as a whole feels the same way as me. Having like-minded people around me has been a huge comfort to me. However it all feels false now. At parties, at work and at school, we all gravitate towards people we know, they introduce us to people they know and the cycle continues. Unless you make a conscious effort, in real life or on social media, you will talk to people who think and live like you. I am no longer in a bubble; it has been popped by those who voted leave. That bubble has been shielding me and even if I try and recreate it, there would be no point. I have seen and heard what's on the outside and I can no longer go back. I think you could say a small part of me is having an existential crisis.

Bubble burst

The emotional impact is not about the fact we're leaving the EU, it's more complicated than that. I've lost my home; I've lost the people I thought I was sharing this home with. I'll never look at other people the same way again, thinking did they vote leave and if so, why? It was an Auden "stop all the clocks" grief moment; how can you be walking around like nothing has happened, laughing and talking? Everything else seemed superfluous. Every conversation I have had since seems to lead back to the referendum, whether it's about Game of Thrones, Gilmore Girls or what we're having for dinner. If we had referendumitis before the vote, what do we have now? I have thought, like many people, about leaving, moving to Scotland like many Americans have threatened to move to Canada if Trump becomes President. But this is my home, though it doesn't feel like it anymore. There's no longer solid ground beneath my feet and everything's uncertain. Our world is changing, I woke up to a new world last Friday and it seems to be changing every day. The emotions I've been feeling are not because of the referendum, but what the referendum has revealed. The loss I'm feeling, it's the loss of a nation I thought I knew, but clearly didn't know at all.

Anxiety: My Past, Present and Future

Wear Your Label

Writing is therapy for me, so if any of you are interested, please read on. Please share this with anyone you feel may benefit from it. If it helps just one person, me, then it's done its job. I've always felt I've been too honest for my own good. Well, I think being honest will do me good right now. I'm going to tell you things I have never told my own family, they may have guessed, but I have never actually voiced these things. I have written about my anxiety before, in this blog too, especially a post for Mental Health Awareness Month. But I didn't go into detail. I want to go into detail now.

You may think you know what it feels like to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but you don't, not truly. You've seen lists of symptoms and may have had first hand accounts, but if you've never personally experienced it before, then you can't know. I'm going to make you understand, put yourself in my shoes, show you what it truly means to suffer from anxiety. I'm going to tell it like it is.

Why am I writing about it now? Especially as my last blog post on the subject was so positive; I overly optimistically called it Looking Forward to the Future. I got complacent. I thought I was over this thing. The big holiday I recently went on, that my last blog post was about? It made me think I had turned a corner, that I was capable of more than I ever thought. I am, but while the holiday combined numbers 2 and 3 on my top 5 causes of anxiety, it wasn't the top cause. I decided to tackle the top cause and failed, miserably. I decided to try and date and maybe find my first ever boyfriend. Yes, I am 32. Infer what you will. I went on a date, well a kind of date, the first time in many years. I coped better than I expected. But I had to leave early, though I didn't want to, because I was on the verge of a panic attack. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I'm determined to try and find another date. I battled for a time, wanting to take the easy way out, just give up. But if I do, I can see a life of loneliness ahead of me and no one wants that. There's got to be someone out there for me, so I'm optimistic.

How it feels:

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. There are common symptoms of course, but they can happen in different orders, at different levels and for different amounts of time. So I can only tell you about my own experiences. Many of my panic attacks come out of nowhere, or seemingly so. However they haven’t. They’ve been creeping up on me, sometimes minutes, days or even weeks in advance; the longest game of Grandmother’s footsteps ever. Anxiety is the most patient of life destroyers. It lies in wait, gradually wearing you down by increments. Chipping away at your confidence, at the walls you’ve built up, at your defence mechanisms until it reveals a vulnerability that it can exploit. It can be a crack that it prises open, or it blasts its way through. For such an unobtrusive thing, anxiety tends to have a flair for the dramatic.

Obviously, the unconscious has been working overdrive, preparing for this moment. Thinking isn’t an active thing, it works stealthily in the background. Thinking isn’t a bad thing. But even the best of thoughts, when thought often enough, obsessively enough, can become bad; you just get stuck in a cycle. I can’t say how many times I have woken up actually already in the middle of a panic attack. Waking up is jarring at the best of times, but waking up sweating profusely with a pounding heart and a cramping stomach is deeply unsettling. I have to talk the anxiety through with someone or write down everything it could be. Bringing the anxiety into the light, naming it, defining it and discovering the cause is the way to beat it. It’s the emotional equivalent of Rumpelstiltskin. This is hard if it’s the middle of the night and you’re still half asleep; I got a light for my bed mainly just in case, so I didn’t have to get out of bed. I have selfishly woken people up before because I couldn’t bear to deal with it alone, or couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. The middle of the night is my worst time. It’s dark; the seemingly infinite blackness of night has a way of heightening everything. All that is familiar suddenly becomes alien. There is no comfort in the night if you’ve woken up and you’re alone. You’re not sure what’s real and what’s not. Your mind is confused with sleep. However annoyingly you’re alert and ready because your body has gone into fight or flight mode. You may not need to think, but it’s like you’re navigating through fog. Once I’ve analysed the anxiety to the point of exhaustion, I hit on the right reason. I know, because I instantly feel worse and get more panicky. It’s as if my body doesn’t want me to get better; it’s a last ditch defence mechanism. However when I start to address it, I feel better. It’s been a long road to even get there and then a longer one before I can get back to normal though.

There’s a difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. Panic attacks are more severe and anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks. Anxiety is the devil on your shoulder, constantly dogging you, digging at you, voicing your darkest thoughts, always saying “what if” and “if only”, dwelling on past mistakes, bringing up old grudges. Anxiety is paranoia, it’s your conscience and your darkest thoughts rolled into one. Anxiety is the fear of the unknown, seemingly a good thing, trying to anticipate what happens next, readying you for the future. Anxiety is not your friend. Nerves can be channelled and turned into an ally. Anxiety is nervousness that’s too far gone. There’s no turning it back. It can only be beaten. Anxiety is a bully, voicing the worst about you, setting you apart from everyone else; bullies target what makes their victims different. Anxiety narrows your view of the world. It makes you feel as if you can do no right, as if the world is better off without you.

The Breakfast Club

You focus so much on yourself and your own experiences that you become self-centred and selfish and boring. Yet that’s all you want to know, you don’t have the energy for anyone else’s life; you become a hermit. You feel suffocated and alone. That loneliness comes from the fear that no one understands you, that no one has ever felt the way you do. That voice becomes the only thing that gets you, which is almost definitely a fallacy. In the midst of a crowd, you have never felt so alone. You’re stuck, trapped inside your own head. You go round and round in circles, constantly searching for a way out, which is exhausting. You get bored of yourself so much you start hating yourself. Then you start to get depressed, uninterested in what you once saw as fascinating. Your work suffers as you can’t concentrate. Your mind can never settle on anything for long, apart from the obsessive thoughts of course. You focus on your emotional crutches, obsessive behaviour that borders on OCD, such as mine which is doing things in threes. You have a particular book (usually chicklit or children's books), song (Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield), film (Notting Hill used to work) or TV programme (Gilmore Girls got me through a very dark time) that you rely on, watch, read or listen to over and over again so that it starts to lose its efficacy. This makes you panic all the more. Panic is anxiety that has lost sight of itself. You’ve gone too many times round the hamster wheel. There is no light left in the dark.

Anxiety symptoms

There are physical symptoms too. Your shoulders ache as you hunch over, looking down at the floor instead of up at the world. Your stomach is often upset because it contracts so much. You feel tired and heavy, as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, usually because you tense your muscles. You wake up feeling exactly the same as the night before because you don’t sleep deeply enough, which can also cause vivid dreams. You feel light-headed because you’re not breathing properly and get out of breath more easily. There are all these symptoms and more. There’s the fact you can't settle on anything for very long, the sweating, self-harm, mine was pinching so bad my legs were covered in bruises. Symptoms trigger symptoms. You are irritable and your temperature changes as you’re not sleeping well, and often not eating well either. You either don’t eat enough or comfort eat. You get sugar cravings, so you gorge on sweets and then your skin breaks out. You stop living and start existing.

However when a panic attack starts, these symptoms get worse. Not just the physical symptoms, but the mental ones too. The walls are down and chaos ensues. You lose all sense of control. Nothing seems right anymore. You feel a sense of doom, as if not just your world, but the whole world is coming to an end, as if nothing good can happen ever again. You get annoyed that no one else can see it, which alienates you all the more. Pins and needles start as you hyperventilate, which makes you feel dizzy and faint. Your equilibrium goes so you feel off kilter. Your limbs start to seize up and your stomach starts churning, this is because your muscles are tense. It’s the bodily equivalent of trying to find a hole to swallow you up. Then you start to think you’re ill which only makes the panic worse. Every thought you have plays out to the worst possible scenario: headaches become brain tumours, nausea becomes swine flu, and pain becomes a heart attack. You feel you can’t breathe at all, even though you can as what you’re doing is breathing too much. Your heart was fluttering before, now it’s pounding so you can hear it in your ears. It rocks your body with its power. Your chest gets tighter, as if you’re being squeezed and even though you’re generally fit and healthy, you think your heart is failing. It’s not failing, it’s flailing in panic, in a fight or flight reflex as it thinks it’s under attack. Ironically, it's the one doing the attacking. The constriction gets too much and you take off all that is tight: jewellery, belts, underwear. You have forgotten the world around you and start living inside your head, no one can get through to you. You hear people trying to help, if you’re lucky and you’re not alone, or unlucky, whichever way you want to have it. You feel their touch, their concern, their threats, but nothing makes any impact. They’ve faded into the background. You can’t bear to be alone but you don't want to be touched. No one can help. You can even provoke worse symptoms such as diarrhoea and vomiting, purely psychosomatic and mind over matter.

Generally, they don’t last. You have to ride it out. Though in my experience they can and did, last for days. Afterwards, you will be hungover, the most exhausted you have ever felt in your life, emotionally and physically. This is due to the adrenalin comedown. You can deal with that. What you can’t deal with is the shame. You will feel weak. You will wonder why this has happened to you. You will feel abnormal. You will become concerned that there is something wrong with you because other people are dealing with things better. Think: no one ever does anything better, just differently. There is something wrong with you, but it’s not anything that you’ve done wrong, or anything wrong with your character.

What you need to do is flip it, twist it and spin it for your own purposes. Stop living in the past as it makes you depressed. Stop living in the future as it makes you anxious. Live for the present, be in the moment (Lao Tzu). Before the anxiety truly takes hold, recognise the early symptoms, mine was the pins and needles, and simply breathe: in through your nose, hold and then out through your mouth. Focus on it. Feel the air filling you up. Take energy from it. Take note of the world around you, distract yourself, something, anything that takes your mind off how you’re feeling. If it’s a situation, be kind to yourself and leave. Then take stock. Avoidance isn’t a good idea in the long-term; you can’t avoid things forever and the symptoms will be ten times worse if you do avoid it. Anxiety doesn’t like being ignored, it only makes it mad and it encourages it. It’s a bully, so it wants a reaction, no matter how small. If it gets one, it spurs it on. Distraction may work in the short term, but it is only a band aid over a gash; it won’t hold, you need to stitch yourself back together.

What’s left will be a scar, a reminder, something you will never forget. But it’s also a mark of a survivor, a reminder that you’re not weak, that you’re actually stronger than you knew. It’s also a reminder to be kinder to yourself; you learn from it. Mental illness is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you’ve been strong for far too long. It will change you. It may be a cliché, but it’s only a cliché because it’s true; what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Other people are a great solace, but you can’t rely on them. Even those who love you unconditionally will lose their patience. You need to get back in tune with your body, that’s why taking a shower or a bath, or doing exercise is the best way of getting over it. Become more self-aware in a good way. Tell someone. You may think it’s obvious you’re having a panic attack, but unless you’re sweating profusely, going to the toilet every five minutes or physically ill, trust me, no one has noticed apart from those who know you best and they don’t care. Those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind (Bernard Baruch/Dr. Seuss). Mental illness, anxiety, can be genetic, you can be predisposed towards it, or it can be in response to something. You can get back in control, but like an alcoholic, once you’ve suffered with mental health problems, it’ll always be there, waiting for you to trip up, no matter how far you think you’ve come and how long you’ve been free of it. Don't get complacent like I did.

My history
My first panic attack and therefore first recognisable symptom of anxiety was when I was 16 and watching Apollo 13. I was a fearful child, but they were usual fears: dogs, wasps, the dark, nothing out of the ordinary. This was different. I started to hyperventilate when the astronauts’ oxygen supply was running out; I thought I couldn’t breathe. I’ve always had an overactive imagination, but this was the first time it had caused noticeable physical symptoms, other than nightmares of course. I got so bad that my Dad threatened to take me to hospital, which shocked me so much I stopped. It started with pins and needles in my nose, then my fingers started to tingle and I felt as if my wrists were restrained, as if I was wearing handcuffs. My muscles tensed up, including my stomach, so my tummy started to churn and I felt nauseous. As the hyperventilation increased, my head started to swim and I felt incredibly dizzy, so I got off the sofa where I was sitting and hunched on the floor. I couldn’t bear to be restricted, so I took off my bra, from under my clothes, and my jewellery. My Dad tried to straighten my limbs out, but they started to spasm as they were so tense. He rubbed them in an attempt to get them back to normal. I couldn’t stand up. Afterwards I had to rush to the toilet, but not to throw up. None of us knew that this would be just the start. My family has always been supportive and mostly non-judgemental, which is difficult as mental illness can be seen as attention-seeking behaviour and by its very nature is self-centred and sometimes selfish. But they don’t understand, not really. By the way, never ask anyone suffering from mental illness, "are you okay?" Instead ask, "what can I do to help?" They may not have an answer for you, but instead of making them feel worse about themselves, making it harder for them as they are simply trying to hold themselves together, they know you're there if they need you. When trying to help, don't tell them to stop thinking, that's totally not helpful. Don't say it's irrational because believe me, they already know. My family tries their best. That's all anyone can do really, just be there.

The moment

The most public panic attack I had was while watching The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, when the black riders were sniffing out the hobbits under the tree, I thought I was going to die. Not in the now hyperbolic sense which teenagers state on social media, but I literally felt as if I would stop living. I had to leave the cinema and once I was out, I was fine, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back in there. My friend said I was claustrophobic as an easy answer to explain my behaviour. The plus side was it made me read the books before seeing the next film in the series and I was fine watching The Two Towers, even though it was a much darker, more intense and violent film.

The worst panic attack I had was when I was home alone. By now, my anxiety had become so bad I was having several panic attacks a day, caused by the littlest things, even a TV advert or a random comment could set one off. I was having trouble eating, fighting through what I called the ‘upchuck reflex’ to get anything down. In a funny yet desperately unfunny incident, one of my friends had to force feed me a chocolate chip muffin to get me to eat; I was shaking so bad and feeling so cold, even though it was Summer, she had to do something. It was affecting my friendships, and due to the mental fallout, it would ruin at least two of them, it stopped me from embarking on my first relationship and would continue to do so with the poor guy for years to come, or anyone for that matter. I’ve thrown up on a date before, in front of them. The anticipation of another date was so bad, I had to leave it early. So my latest foray into romance was a big improvement!

Charlie Brown

When I woke up that day, the day of the worst panic attack, it was too early and yet my family had already left the house and from then on, it was panic central. I was supposed to be going to work. I tried to watch Notting Hill, which was my go-to film at the time and one of my supposedly fool proof distraction techniques. It didn’t work. I phoned a friend, but she couldn’t help with just her disembodied voice. I phoned the out of hours NHS number, the lady tried to help. I continually phoned my parents and they finally cut me off as they were trying to drive my brother to university and I was going to cause an accident. I somehow got up and ready, somehow late despite waking up way too early. I was moving slowly as my legs had seized up, I was so tired and wasn’t breathing properly. I made my slow way to the bus stop as I couldn’t walk properly and phoned work as early as I could, saying I’d be late, probably making up an excuse. I got to work in the end, but had to get off one bus and wait for the next where luckily I met someone I knew who was very talkative, diverting enough to be distracting and didn’t need much input from me. I did a day’s work, even working alone for a time, absolutely fine.

In the time since then, I have had darker episodes, once contemplating suicide standing next to a busy road, thinking how easy it would be just to step out. In hindsight, I probably wouldn’t have died unless a big truck or at least a bus was going past just at the right moment. I also relied too much on alcohol to get over social anxiety and to drown the feelings. That didn't end well and it was lucky I never got into drugs or smoking. I gave it up after my third hangover and barely touch alcohol now. Over the years, I have still suffered with anxiety, but there were varying degrees of it, where it ruled my life or quietly simmered in the background, biding its time. I deferred university a year, ostensibly to earn money, but actually to regain my confidence and get on top of the anxiety. I got a decent degree, though presentations made the anxiety rear its ugly head again, worsening my grade for the piece as my breathing affected my delivery. I held down several jobs, found my vocation in life, learned to drive, passing the test 5^th time as my anxiety was too much; I only passed because I thought I failed from the off like I did the 4^th time and relaxed.

I got to know this bedroom very well, in all lights

By far my worst time with anxiety was Bruges. I had just finished my second degree distance learning, studying when I wasn’t at my full-time job, working damn hard to get my dissertation in on time, handing it in a few months later than I wanted and then we went on holiday. It was my nephew’s birthday and we’d decided to visit them in Germany and then go on to Bruges for a mini break. I should have seen it coming as I was on edge on the run up to the holiday, I wasn’t eating or sleeping well and I was covered in bruises from where I had been pinching myself. I wanted to believe it was just the stress from finishing my studies, but it wasn’t. I went from being spectacularly busy to doing basically nothing. The symptoms got worse; I couldn’t really sleep at all, waking my brother up who was sharing a room with me to help me through it and the panic attacks that eventually came, or reading trying to distract myself, but finally that stopped working altogether which made me panic even more as I’d never been unable to read before. I wasn’t eating properly and finally when we got to Bruges, I stopped eating altogether; at the height of it all, you couldn’t see the skin on my legs it was so covered in bruises from the pinching. We did see a bit of Bruges, a few of the sights, but it was hell for all of us as everyone was tired and I wouldn’t be left alone so they had to drag me around everywhere and someone had to be with me at all times. At one point, my Dad went and got me some medication in the middle of the night, but despite having nothing in my stomach, barely even water, I just threw the pill straight back up again. I pawed at my Mum and hurt her. She bruises easily, but the hideous bruise I made on her arm haunts me still. They were long long nights, I always feel better when the sun comes up. I started to improve on the journey home, which was very uncomfortable as we had driven; the journey through the channel tunnel was one of the worst experiences even with the relief we were finally going home. My thoughts were running wild, full of fears of the things that could delay us or even prevent us getting home altogether. Luckily there was little traffic and everything went well.

Those few days felt like an eternity and I was either having a panic attack all day every day or constant panic attacks one after another. The doctors say the body can’t sustain it, but mine somehow did. They always say panic attacks will subside, but mine never did until I got home. When I got back, I was so tired and malnourished, I moved back in with my parents and they took me straight to the doctor, who signed me off work for 10 days, told me I needed to start eating again or else he’d have to intervene, but he wasn’t duly concerned yet; I didn’t really lose that much weight which was the bizarre thing. He’s the one who first prescribed me diazepam. Through the TLC from my parents, gentle coaxing with my favourite foods and some of the deepest sleep I’ve ever known, I was well enough to go back to work. My boss was very understanding, which I’m extremely grateful for and allowed me time off to go to counselling; it just meant leaving a little early once a week. There was no stigma attached, only the emphasis that I laid on it.

Grey's Anatomy

After trying all sorts of different therapies: hypnotherapy (couldn’t relax enough), meditation (the room would spin when I closed my eyes and I couldn’t find a good position (see below), neurofeedback (answered some questions), standard counselling (answered more questions), mindfulness (which I continue to try and practice), I still suffer with mental illness, especially anxiety. There were several triggers, some expected, some unexpected and they all ganged up on me, arriving in my life all at once. Some of them were actually supposedly positive things, some were a mixture of both positive and negative and some were decidedly negative. They all acted together. However there was one factor I did not know about, that could have been building up for years before, or started when the anxiety hit, I will never know. I've written about this before in a previous blog post, but I'll summarise it here. Around the same time as the anxiety began, along with the panic attacks and eating disorder, I started to have attacks of vertigo. Not the fear of heights, vertigo is a symptom of acrophobia, the fear of heights: it’s when the room/world starts spinning. At first I thought it was simple dizziness, but the room doesn’t spin when you’re dizzy, that’s vertigo. Then I simply put it down to the anxiety. But it progressed from once in a blue moon to appearing more regularly, getting more violent and lasting longer, anywhere from 12-48 hours. It incapacitated me. I had to go through several diagnoses before I got the right one, pushing for a specialist: labyrinthitis (the attacks didn’t last long enough), migraines, menieres (no hearing loss) and finally they said I have vestibular damage. After tests, it was found I only had 23% left of my right balance organ, so I’d been permanently off kilter for almost half my lifetime. This disorder can make my anxiety worse, or the anxiety can make it worse, especially with the breathing. However knowing hasn’t cured my anxiety, it helps, but my body has learned the behaviour: now ironically any symptom of anxiety can trigger anxiety or even a panic attack, from nausea or an unsettled stomach to increased heart rate. For instance, I had to leave Centre Court of Wimbledon because I was so excited to be there, my heart rate reached such a level my body thought I was having an anxiety attack and almost lead me to actually having one!

From the brilliant film Ever After

The last time before this anxiety attack, I managed to stave off a full scale panic attack. It was after a bout of illness, which again could have been psychosomatic, caused by anxiety because I experienced an anxiety attack then. I was about to go on the biggest holiday of my life, literally the biggest as it was for the longest time and the furthest away. I've described it in a blog post. This obviously caused a great deal of anticipation, my biggest problem, stress and anxiety. I had got into thinking it was a bad idea, that I couldn’t do it and fears of ruining the holiday like I did in Bruges reared their ugly heads. I had cyclical thoughts and talked them through with my brother. I quite wisely went to the doctor, explained the situation and he gave me some diazepam. On the day we were leaving, I had to take one pill to even get to the car. I had to drive as well, only a short way, but still. Then I had to take one on the first plane and finally when we got there to even get through the night, I didn’t really sleep that first night. I kept them with me at all times during the holiday, but never needed another pill, my proudest achievement. Ashamed at the weakness I’d showed, I threw myself into the holiday and my brother said I was his highlight of the whole holiday, even above seeing his first seahorse.

The holiday taught me that I'm stronger than I realise. But it also taught me that I will never be free of the anxiety. I know I will have to live with anxiety forever, but I know how to help myself and being indoors, not exercising, not looking after myself, just watching TV and lying in bed, no matter how tempting, is only going to make matters worse. Be kind to yourself, but also challenge yourself. That's the key to living with any mental illness. I just hope I can take my own advice.

My Southeast Asian Odyssey: A Mini Travel Guide

This post is for all nervous travellers and those thinking about visiting Southeast Asia or have already been there, as well as my friends and family and people who have been following my recent holiday on Facebook! It's like a mini tour guide or guidebook and a review of the places we went, my impressions uncoloured by others' opinions or from official guidebooks; I just checked I was spelling place names correctly. Scroll down if you want to see the pretty pictures.

So, I've just come back from a holiday of a lifetime. I say that as I don't envisage doing anything like it again. I may fly long haul again, but I won't want to travel as much during a holiday. I took 8 separate flights and 2 separate boats in 3 weeks and that was just the transfers between places; I also took more boat trips when in the islands. The world is not small after all, I can quite assure you. All our flights went well, apart from an hour's delay on a local airline, which is a miracle really!

One of the many flights we took

I hate travelling, it's probably down to my balance problem because it totally knocks my equilibrium out. It can be because of any form of transport, from the many boats and plane journeys I made, or can be down to tiredness, dehydration and heat. Whatever the cause, I woke up every day of the holiday, fearing that this would be the day. But it never happened. However it's been knocked out now after all the travelling home and I've had to take a day off work because of the vertigo, more than a week after I got back. Hopefully the exercises I have to do will get it back soon as it's affecting my eye concentration, balance and sleep. It's a shame because I love seeing new places. The sooner they invent a Star Trek-like transporter, or people develop the ability to teleport, jump or apparate, the better. However, this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. My eldest brother is working in Manila on secondment, initially for 15 months, but now until July 2017. He was really keen for us to visit, but we said no. However he worked on us, persuaded us and kind of wore us down. I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I'm glad he did. I haven't said it enough, thanks brother!

For me though, it almost didn't happen. Even the inoculations made me anxious: boosters for hepatitis, tetanus, typhoid and 3 rabies injections. The weekend before, I had a sickness bout of I don't know what, it could even have been caused by my anxiety which isn't unheard of. It knocked my confidence, unsettled my system, ruined my equilibrium and brought on my first anxiety attack in years. Fearful of destroying another holiday (I had severe vertigo when we visited Bruges a few years ago, unknowingly caused by all the travelling we did by car, and it brought on a nervous breakdown where I couldn't eat or sleep and was signed off work by the doctor when I got home), I sought medical advice, which I think was wise. I got diazepam and heavy duty motion sickness pills from the doctor, as a crutch; I never intended to use them. However the anxiety from the illness I had built until the morning we were leaving and I basically said I'm not going and was well on my way to a panic attack. I couldn't understand why I thought I could go so far and on such a big holiday, not with my history of anxiety. Why was I doing this to myself? I was severely doubting my sanity. So I took a pill and calmed down enough to take it one step at a time. I took another pill on the plane, another pill so I could sleep the first night in Manila as I was struggling and didn't take a single pill after that. I kept them with me always though, on me or nearby, just in case. I amazed myself.

This is what kept me sane on the planes

Anticipation is my downfall, once we were on the holiday, there in Asia, I did my usual thing; shameful of showing such weakness, bringing myself so low, I threw myself headlong into the next thing, usually it's cleaning, work or family life, but this time I had a whole new culture, new landscape and new experiences to take on. I'm proud of myself and my brother was too. He singled me out as one of his highlights of the holiday, my attitude mainly, as well as seeing a seahorse. As much as I could, I looked after my nephew, bonded with my just about to walk baby niece and tried to see as much as I could.

The Philippines is a beautiful place, we didn't see much of the main island or Manila, which is a crazy metropolis, particularly the traffic with its motos, jeepneys and tricycles. We island hopped, which was wonderful.

Bali is also fantastic, but more touristy. We didn't see the whole coast of Bali, but being inland and up in the rainforest certainly helped with the heat and for seeing the true island and islanders, away from the surfers, foreign-style resorts and crowds. I'll list what we did and where we went in a moment, I just want to give you some advice first for if you're ever in the area. Those of you who have been may find this familiar.

A  jeepney

1. Read the guidebook. I didn't beforehand through fear and anxiety, which miffed my brother, but also through laziness as my sister-in-law and brother had done a lot of the organising already; as soon as we knew we were going, I bought the guide books and started to read them, but it freaked me out. Trailfinders were invaluable in helping us plan the Bali part of our holiday. I thought by ignoring it, I could cope better, but with hindsight, I probably made the fear worse by burying my head in the sand. I would've got a whole lot more out of the holiday if I had read about the place. I rectified it once I'd settled and certainly did when it came to Bali.

2. It's a long way, so if you can afford it, go business class. They really look after you, it'll take much of the stress out of airports, you'll be able to sleep on the plane (hopefully; even with ear plugs, an eye mask and a flat bed, the vibration was too much for me), the entertainment is brilliant (we flew Emirates) and they'll take you to the airport and bring you home too. You'll feel like a true jetsetter.

Business class on the biggest passenger plane in the world, the A380

3. Allow for extra time at the airports as security is extremely tight in The Philippines and even more so in Indonesia; they check your flight information before you enter the airport, so make sure you have something printed out, they scan your bags as you go through, checking for weapons, and they scan your bags at every available opportunity as well, and in Indonesia, they also scan your bags after you arrive; Indonesia and Malaysia are very strict looking for drugs. You will see armed guards everywhere, so you'll feel very safe or nervous, depending how you are.

4. Leave at least a day after travelling to recover. Even if you can avoid the jetlag (by adopting the time zone as soon as possible), travelling is tiring. You may have a delayed reaction, it hitting you days after, which is fun.

At Dubai airport, trying and failing to sleep

5. Use suntan lotion. The sun is more powerful near the equator. If you go snorkelling, wear a rash vest. The vest may be uncomfortable out of water, but once you're in the sea, you'll be thankful for it. Don't rush to take it off afterwards too as it'll keep you cool. Also, for reef snorkelling, wear sea shoes; I saw lots of long-spined sea urchins, very painful without shoes.

6. Stay in the shade as much as possible, you won't be able to cope with the direct sunlight for very long. It's not a place for sunbathing, unless you can handle it or are a real sun worshipper.

7. Take water with you everywhere. I used a flask with a carabiner so I could just latch it on to my bag. The best hotels will give you complimentary bottles of water, which they replenish for free when they're empty. The restaurants should give you water too at the start of the meal, if they don't, ask for it; you'll need it even if it's not straightaway.

8. Use toilet paper sparingly, or flush twice as it's very easy to clog the toilets up. Very inconvenient!

9. Mosquito repellent is essential, citronella is a natural alternative and smells nice too. The resorts fumigate every day, but it's fighting a losing battle though as you're going to get bitten. Take a first aid kit with you with antihistamine cream and anti inflammatories in case you get a reaction.

10. Brush your teeth with bottled water, better to be safe than make your stomach sorry. This will be a hard habit to break when you get back.

11. Mind hawkers, they are cunning, not malicious, they just ask you your name, give you theirs, ask you your nationality and from that information they customise their targeting. Don't fall for their guilt trip as I almost did. Haggle, even in shops and not just markets and roadside/street sellers: halve what they ask for and work from there. Keep English coins with you as they seem to collect foreign currency.

Durian fruit

12. You'll eat well, I'm not talking about quantity of food, but the kind of food, but only if you eat the local dishes. Don't go for the Western options, not least, other than in the best places, they don't know how to make it so well. Not only is Southeast Asian food amazing, but you may also lose weight: I lost half a stone. It's based around rice, noodles and seafood. That said, the Filipinos love their desserts, the Balinese less so, but they love their coconuts. Things to try, the fruit, for a fruit-lover, I was in heaven: durian (a local delicacy like nothing else you've ever tasted, you'll see it everywhere, a spikey yellow/green pineapple type thing, nice as ice cream, see it above), snake fruit (has peel like snake skin, looks like garlic, tastes like lychee), dragon fruit (the famous looking purple/red fruit, see below) and if you can find it, ube in The Philippines. Also in The Philippines, try calamansi juice; it's very refreshing (the fruit looks like a lime/lemon hybrid). In Bali, try betutu, the meat can be chicken (ayam) or duck (bebek), but any way you choose, it's absolutely delicious.

Dragon fruit

13. It's a completely different culture and climate, so immerse yourself. When I came back, someone said I hope the holiday doesn't seem like a dream already. But actually home felt like the dream. It took days of being back in England for the world not to seem surreal. It wasn't until I cycled home on my first day back at work that it felt like reality again.

14. Keep your eyes peeled, you never know what you might see, from geckos to monkeys, from beetles to birds, from jeepneys to tricycles. If you're a photographer, take your camera wherever you go, just in case. I learned the hard way.

The takay gecko

15. Both cultures are heavily influenced by The US. So speak in American such as rest rooms for toilets etc. In big cities, you'll see Westernised restaurants, such as Hard Rock Cafe style.

The Philippines:

16. While the temperatures don't change all that much, the humidity does and you may want to avoid the wet season too. We went in March and the temperatures were around 32-35 degrees, more so in the city. It's cooler in the islands.

17. They may look unsafe, but a ride in a tricycle is a great experience. They're cheap and cheerful and you'll feel more a part of the world than if cosseted in an air-conditioned taxi. You can fit four people in one tricycle quite comfortably!

The tricycle

18. More so than Bali, the people are friendly, welcoming and happy to help. So ask if you want something, even if it's not on the menu or if you feel that you shouldn't be asking it, try, they're more than happy to help.

Bali:

19. Take a sarong with you everywhere, you never know when you're going to see a temple and you can't enter them, men and women, without a sarong covering your knees. The biggest and most touristy temples will loan you one as part of your ticket, but some temples, especially the free ones, may not provide them and plus you can choose your own rather than one you're given which may clash with your outfit!

Me at a local village temple

20. Regarding temples, check for local festivals. It may make them a great deal busier, but you will see a slice of daily life you may never get to see again. We lucked out as we visited a holy water temple on a big festival day.

21. If you must visit the monkey temples and/or forests, we didn't, be careful. The monkeys can be very cheeky if not aggressive. Don't have food with you and hold on to your glasses, sun or otherwise, cameras, phones, jewellery and other loose items.

My favourite of my Alila monkey photos

22. Bali = you're a millionaire! When I went, it was 18,000 rupiah to the pound. So remember any prices, add three 0s to the end and when you take any rupiah out of the ATM machines, you may not be taking as much money out as you think...

23. Be careful where you walk as there are religious offerings of food and flowers in little parcels everywhere, usually on the pavements outside homes and businesses. Even though they are easily stepped on, it's respectful to avoid them.

So here's where we went:

Taal Volcano: We took it easy travelling down from Manila and stopped off for lunch in Tagaytay, which is above Lake Taal. Josephine has lovely food and a great view, but avoid traditional lunch times as it is set up for coach parties. It's where I had my first drink out of a coconut. If you want to stay and/or eat somewhere snazzier, there's the Taal Vista Hotel. The road down to Talisay, where you get the boat to the volcano, is not for the faint-hearted; it's very twisty-turny and steep. Right from the start, you'll realise that everyone is out to get as much money as they can get from tourists, which is fair enough. So see my advice above: haggle prices. Bangkas are the traditional boats you'll see everywhere and what you need. One took us on the journey across Lake Taal. NB: the volcano you could climb is the bigger one, it's not the small volcano. The climb is arduous, but worth it to see the crater lake. You can take a horse ride up and you may get a guide thrown in. Avoid the heat of the day, unlike us; it's at about 2pm. Keep your mouth closed too as the path is very volcanic dusty. Take as many breaks as you can; there are shelters for the purpose sporadically on the path and carry water, and/or money to buy drinks, coconut or watermelon on the way. Don't worry if you feel like you're going to throw up, have a heart attack and die at the top, like I did. Be prepared for your face to look very red in any photos!

Me at the crater lake

Intramuros: When travelling around Manila, you never know what the traffic is going to be like, jeepneys, motos and tricycles, along with the usual cars snarl up the roads. Air conditioning was essential for us, especially as Manila is several degrees hotter than the islands, cities always are. Give in to it as road rage is useless and traffic jams are a fact of life here; hawkers are well prepared for them. On our way to Intramuros, we got caught up in a senatorial, or maybe even presidential motorcade which closed off the road for a little while. It was election time though. Our driver, actually my brother's personal driver, dropped us off at Manila Cathedral. It's been rebuilt many times, fires and earthquakes have levelled it, but most recently it was the war which destroyed it. Worth seeing just for its history, if not the building itself.

Manila Cathedral

We then got a calesa ride, which we just had to do, around the old town, stopping off at San Agustin Church. The only building that survived the war, it's a beautiful place, with a stunning ceiling. Spend some time here and take it in.

San Agustin Church

Bohol: Easy to get to, you can fly to the island straight from Manila via PAL or Cebu, we had no problems with either airline really, a minor delay once. Bohol airport is tiny though.

Tarsiers: Straight off the plane, we went on a tour around the sights of Bohol. We had to take a detour though as my Dad lost his wallet and had to cancel his cards, but we still had plenty of time to get round everything, after getting up unfeasibly early to catch our plane. Bohol is famous for its tarsiers. Make sure you go to the sanctuary I've linked to and not the place that abuses the animals; loud noises and human contact can stress a tarsier out so much it dies. They're akin to bush babies, very hard to spot and look like adorable gremlins. The sanctuary has spotters pointing out the tarsiers to you while also making sure you don't get too close.

A tarsier

Loboc River: For lunch, we went on a cruise! Everyone in The Philippines seems to be able to sing and/or dance, so beware of karaoke if you go on the boat. Iced tea is bottomless and on every menu at every restaurant throughout The Philippines and Bali, in many flavours. The food on the boat was good and it was very peaceful, people-watching the locals who live by the river, until people got up to sing and dance that is!

The Loboc River

Chocolate Hills: Called chocolate because of their colour, not their contents I'm afraid... No one really knows how these hills were created. Myths surrounding them involve solidified tears, warring giants and incontinent carabaos! The lookout point and visitor buildings were still being repaired after the recent(ish) earthquake when we were there, so you may not have fantastic sight lines, but just from the car park you get great views. For a unique experience of something you can't see anywhere else, the chocolate hills are a must-see if you're in Bohol.

The Chocolate Hills

Bohol Beach Club: We stayed in a 5-star resort; for the same price as an average hotel here, you can get the best accommodation in The Philippines. We called it BBC for short, a touch of home at the far side of the world. The resort is perfect for children and older people too, so a real family resort. The beach is stunning with hammocks and white coral sand. The restaurant and bar are superb with great food and lovely staff; the breakfast buffet offers a good choice of local and international options, but doesn't change that much apart from the fruit and cake. The grounds are lovely and the swimming pool is just what you need. The resort is set in Panglao, an island just off Bohol; you can get across via a bridge. But it makes a great base for visiting places and to come back to and relax. Use reception as they can book your trips, transfers and taxis. I know my Mum could have stayed at BBC quite happily all holiday, but then we wouldn't have seen a lot of the wonderful places we did.

The beach at BBC

Bohol Bee Farm: Nearby, you will find Bohol Bee Farm. The farm has a fabulous restaurant with amazing food; it's made from home-grown ingredients and is very fresh. The setting is beautiful, looking over the sea. There is a shop full of handmade products and even ice cream; try the durian flavour, I dare you.

The view from Bohol Bee Farm's restaurant

Balicasag: The island itself is not much, with just about satisfactory food and unsatisfactory amenities. But the reef and marine reserve just off the shore are worth the discomfort. It's all about the snorkelling. They will say you need a boat to get to the reserve, it's probably swimmable, but the boatmen make for great spotters; we may not have seen our first turtle without ours. It was a magical experience as we saw it through the sun rays cutting through the gloom. All the boatmen are great with kids and helping you in and out of the bangkas.

Balicasag

Virgin Island: On our way back from Balicasag, we stopped off at Virgin Island, or so they called it. Ever since I saw David Attenborough standing on a sand bank in the middle of the ocean, I've wanted to do the same. I'm sure some film character had a romantic dinner on one too. The island was an enchanted place, surrounded by sand-sifting sea stars and peppered with a few mangrove trees. There were still hawkers around, though easily avoidable thank goodness.

Virgin Island

Siquijor: We got a boat from Bohol to the island, or you can fly to and from Dumaguete to Manila and get a boat from there.

Coco Grove: No superlative could sum this place up. A 5-star resort again, but where BBC is easy, Coco is more rustic and all the better for it. The spectacular sunsets are worth it alone, but there are 3 pools, our favourite was our nearest as it has a pool bar. There are 2 restaurants, Salamandas for more formal dining and Sunset right on the beach, which I preferred. The breakfast is limiting as it's a la carte, but still good. My brother would order you to try the chocolate cheesecake. There's also a shop, but if you go to try anything on, check the changing room first as I didn't, but luckily the shop lady did and found a not insignificant-sized crab in there which she got rid of with a broom! I did say to take a camera everywhere you go as you never know where and when you'll come across the wildlife. I learned the hard way and missed taking a photo of it before the staff took it away to no doubt eat. Again, use the reception staff as they offer tours and activities. There's a range of accommodation, we treated ourselves to the best: the villas which were on 2 floors with a mezzanine ensuite bedroom and a jacuzzi in the bathroom! Coco has a hotel too. I can highly recommend the cultural night which included a huge buffet barbecue and excellent professional traditional dancers. The resort has off shoots, at Apo Island for instance and transport, such as a jeepney which picked us up from the harbour, air-conditioned cars, boats and even its own luxury yacht! I haven't even mentioned the beach, which is white coral sand, great for rock pooling and looking for tiny crabs at night with a torch. But the best part about the beach is the reef just off shore; go at high tide though as it can get very shallow and full of urchins to stand on. We saw a sea horse in the reedy part and a variety of corals and fish on the actual reef.

A Coco Grove sunset from a hammock

Apo Island: There were moments that challenged me and my anxiety. While I didn't get any flare-ups, it wasn't for the lack of opportunity. The reason why I avoided anxiety was because I could recognise possible danger situations and got myself out of them. The boat trip to and from Apo Island was one of those situations. So instead of being with my family and helping with the kids, I took myself off outside to the front of the boat so I could see the horizon, a key thing when avoiding sea sickness. I felt very selfish, but it was necessary so I could combat the motion sickness and therefore the vertigo and anxiety. It turned out to be one of my favourite moments of the whole holiday, alone and at one with the sea, seeing flying fish disturbed by the boat gliding across the water, and having heart-to-hearts with my eldest brother who came to check up on me every now and again.

The reason to go to Apo is for the turtle sanctuary and the huge reef. You can literally swim with turtles, guides go with you to help you spot them. We had lunch at Coco's much much more rustic sister resort on Apo, on a beach which also had great reef snorkelling and a fantastic drop-off. The reef they took us to afterwards though was amazing, a lot deeper than any other snorkelling granted, but we saw turtles again, woke one up in fact, more in the wild than in the sanctuary, a stunning array of corals and numerous fish which I had never seen before, even with all the nature programmes I watch.

Apo Island

Shell museum: This tiny but lovingly created shell museum is packed full of rare and not so rare shells; some we recognised from the beach. It won't take long to go around and is basically in someone's home! There is a shop with souvenirs and shells to buy too. It's not suitable for unattended small children as there's lots to pick up.

Cambugahay Falls: There are many steep steps leading down to this series of waterfalls, but it merits the effort. Locals use it for rope swinging and bathing, but despite the crowds, it's extremely beautiful. It can be a pick pocketing hotspot though, so hold on to your belongings. Walking around to see all the cascades was a little tricky for me and my balance issues, but with my brother's hand I managed it okay. There are quieter sections so you should explore all the falls.

Cambugahay Falls

St. Isidore Church: I love buildings that have seen better days, that are neglected and forgotten. However this church may look dilapidated, but it is well used. The details are very pretty and the wooden floor is original. The Philippines is heavily influenced by its Spanish heritage and the islands and their people are conspicuously Roman Catholic. There's also a convent school across the road from the church.

St Isidore Church

Balete tree: Apart from the natural foot spa, complete with fish to clean your feet, there's no reason to see this tree as there are balete, or banyan, trees everywhere. The one below is in our resort on Bali that was made into a temple! These trees are a sight to behold though with their aboveground roots, great height and numerous trunks.

The banyan (balete) tree in Segara Resort

Bali: Needs no introduction. We left my eldest brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece behind and set off on our own.

Alila: Best place we stayed in bar none, maybe ever, which is saying something this holiday. The whole resort is set in the tropical rainforest at the top of a ravine. You have to go through rice terraces to even get to it. Monkeys (long-tailed macaques) are daily visitors, plus the wildlife is exceptional. There are sounds of cicadas and frogs at night. I saw insects that were subjects of nature documentaries and one I didn't even understand. It was difficult for my Mum though as there are many many steps and it's not so safe for children as there are vertiginous unprotected drops being so high up. Plus the food, apart from in the bar, isn't child friendly. They are very environmentally conscious, everything is recyclable, and don't give you anything you don't need, so you have to request things like a TV. The staff are second to none, the food is healthy but interesting and the best breakfast we've ever had changes every day and you can eat all you want off the menu. The accommodation is fantastic; the rooms we had featured an outside bathroom with waterfall shower and a huge bathtub. Don't worry, the toilet and sink are indoors. As it's a spa resort, it's quiet, relaxing and the food is good for you. I haven't even covered the breathtaking infinity pool which literally overlooks the ravine and if you're lucky as we were, you can watch the macaques playing in the tree next to it. You can see plantain squirrels while you have your breakfast. It's a animal lover's paradise. The resort has a free shuttle bus which takes you into Ubud, the nearby town. It also has a suite of luxury air-conditioned cars, complete with chauffeur/extremely knowledgeable guide to take you to where you want to go. And it's all not as expensive as you might think. I will never ever forget the place; it's special.

Alila's infinity pool

Rice terraces: We spent a whole day going to all the places below, then another day we took the shuttle into Ubud before we went on to Sanur. The rice terraces at Tegalalang we went to were incredibly touristy, but do more investigating than we did and I'm sure you can find some quieter terraces as they are everywhere. They're to be seen to be believed. Photos don't do them justice.

Tegalalang, one of many rice terraces

Holy water temple, Pura Tirta Empul: There are temples quite literally in every village. Homesteads have their own temples to honour their ancestors and each community has three temples, dedicated to Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. The religion is unique as, while it's based on Hinduism, it also incorporates elements of Buddhism. One of the largest temples was built around a volcanic spring, which is classed as sacred holy water. We didn't know at the time, but when we visited, it was during a festival and everyone was coming to bathe in the water. There are a series of fountains which people stand under, each helps with a different problem such as nightmares. We had a very informative guide, and that's an understatement, with us who could tell us all we wanted to know and more. It was quite an experience.

Me at the holy water temple, photo taken by my brother

Coffee plantation: We went as part of an all-day trip and didn't think much of this on the itinerary before we went. However the coffee plantation was free to visit and not only do they grow coffee there, but lots of other things besides such as fruit and aloe vera. They make Luwak coffee, which is made from coffee beans fermented in the stomach of a civet cat. It's very expensive and sought after despite its disgusting-sounding provenance. You can try their teas and coffees for free, but if you want to try that coffee, you have to pay understandably. While the place is free, they do get you to go round the shop and you feel obliged to buy something. That's no hardship as they have wonderful things. There are many coffee plantations to choose from, so check with your resort/hotel which is best to visit.

Me making coffee, photo taken by my brother

Hot springs, Mount Batur: The main reason for the day trip was to visit the volcano. It's absolutely dramatic as you can see below. If you fancy a long trip, through the lava fields at the bottom next to the lake's shore there is a hot springs resort. You can also visit tribes, the original Balinese people, whose villages are only accessible by boat and still live in the traditional manner. You can climb the volcano; apparently if you set off incredibly early, the sunrise is beautiful. So I've visited a volcano in The Philippines and one in Bali too!

Batur lake and volcano

Pura Gunung Kawi: Our final stop of the day was an an ancient temple. There are more than 300 steps down to it, but they are gradual, as it's at the bottom of a valley and you walk through rice terraces to reach it. Bisected by a river flowing through the middle, the water coming from the volcano's hot springs, the temple was carved out of the thick rock. No one knows how as they didn't have the tools to carve such hard rock; Petra and the pyramids were made from softer rock. The temple has atmosphere, a quiet serenity sure, but because a king is buried there, it is more profound. To get to that burial area, you have to take your shoes off, which my brother refused to do for some reason. Beware as you walk up to the entrance before the steps, you will be bombarded by sarong sellers. Even if you have your own, they will try and convince you that you need another!

Me at the ancient temple, photo taken by my brother

Ubud town: The area of Ubud is the cultural heart of the island, the town has a market, temples, museum, shops and a lot more besides.

Museum Puri Lukisan: We probably only visited this museum because it is where the resort shuttle bus dropped us off and picked us up from, but I can highly recommend it. For the reasonable price of a ticket, you can choose either afternoon tea or lunch, including a drink. The Balinese really like their afternoon tea, for tourists anyway; it was free at both resorts. While the coffee is good, take your own tea bags with you as they cannot do good English tea. The museum is enthused with Balinese art, from the old and traditional to the modern and traditional. It is set in pretty grounds and when we were there, a musician was playing. Look out for the huge banyan tree, with a lovely statue of a woman entwined in its roots.

My favourite Balinese painting at the museum, the birth of Hanuman

Craft villages: On the way from Ubud to Sanur, we stopped off at some craft villages. Just like the old days here with Fleet Street for publishing and Savile Row for suits, each village is dedicated to a certain craft. There are villages for woodwork, stonework, batik and silversmiths. We visited a woodworking place, where I fell in love with and bought a dragon like the one from Spirited Away and a painted gecko, and a high-class jewellers where I imagine billionaires buy gifts for their mistresses. For hand-crafted souvenirs, these villages are well worth a visit.

A wood carver

Sanur: Quieter than Seminyak, but if you've ever visited the Spanish Costa Del Sol, it will seem very familiar. It's more of a tourist trap. Our resort would have impressed, if we hadn't come from such an amazing place in Ubud. But as it is, the Segara Village Hotel resort has excellent grounds, a jacuzzi bar, an infinity pool and a family pool, several great eating places, a nice buffet breakfast and access to the beach, but the sea was polluted with rubbish so we didn't go in which was a shame. The staff were nowhere near as attentive and helpful; we had to organise our own tours and transfers, which we were spoiled by at Alila. However it was perfectly fine. If we had gone to Alila first, we would never have wanted to leave Bali, least Segara allowed us to leave with no regrets!

Me with macaws

Bali bird and reptile park: As you can see, I made a few new friends. Even though it's called Bali bird and reptile park, the animals come from all around; the bird park has areas for places nearby such as Sumatra, Java and Papua New Guinea, complete with birds of paradise. The main draw may be the Bali Starling, which you'll hear about a lot; it looks nothing like a starling, but a white bird with a striking metallic blue eye stripe. Apparently it's the most endangered bird on earth. However the park also has a komodo dragon. The walk-through aviaries get you close to the birds, but it can get a touch humid which you may find oppressive. There are lots of activities that we didn't partake of like bird shows and the 4D cinema, but they'd be great for kids. Then there's the smaller reptile park next door, but entry to both parks are included in the price of the ticket. It may seem expensive, but for such large parks with such animals, it more than warrants the money.

Me with an iguana

Tirta Gangga: We went on a trip to the east of the island just to see this palace. Thankfully my family were more than happy to go along with my plan. Tirta Gangga is a must-see. My photos don't do it justice. It's all about the gardens, though they call it a palace and it has a temple. It has to be seen to be believed. Full of ponds, fountains, picturesque bridges, lizards, dragonflies and the biggest koi carp I have ever seen, it demands attention. Cross the stepping stone lake, climb up the top for the views, or simply sit and take it in. Mind the animal man near the entrance, if he's still there, asking you to pay for the experience of holding an owl, python, fruit bat or other animals kept in boxes. It makes your heart cry out in sympathy. You can get a nice lunch in the big restaurant by the road. There's a hotel within Tirta Gangga's grounds which you may want to check out.

Tirta Gangga

Taman Ujung water palace: This is an actual palace not far from Tirta Gangga. Both palaces were destroyed by the volcano and restored. It shows with Taman Ujung. However it is worth visiting. It was the first and only time where I gave up, I put my hands up and said, "You know what sun? You win." So we didn't see much of it because it was too darn hot. It's visually impressive, but there's not much there. You can go inside the palace, but some rooms are closed and the rest empty. It's not very well decorated and everything is quite minimalist and spartan. If the heat doesn't get to you, there are many steps that lead up to what looks like a temple. It's a majestic place, but it doesn't look well looked after; the toilets are atrocious to non-existent. Who knows, in a few years it may become a major tourist attraction; it deserves to be... with some work.

Taman Ujung

Pura Goa Lawah bat cave temple: Unlike any other Balinese temple. It's darker, decorated in black and gold which looks amazing. There is a myth that a snake that lives below the surface causes the earthquakes when it's angry lives in the cave system here. We saw this temple as almost of an afterthought on the way back, quite groggy with sun and I'm so glad we did. You can not only see the bats, but also hear and smell them too. The bats are the selling point, but the rest of the temple is quite special to look at too. Mind the hawkers outside as they are very persistent and emotionally manipulative. Oh, the bats are fruit bats.

Me at the bat cave temple, photo taken by my brother

Apart from more time, of the places we didn't get to visit or things we didn't do, only three rankle. I would've loved to see the Balinese dancing, which encompasses a variety of traditional dances deeply engrossed in the mythology and features costumes and masks and is unbelievably detailed, but we kept missing out on it, the only fruit I didn't try was the pomelo a sweet grapefruit because I couldn't find one to try it, and we passed on seeing the batik craft village because it was just too much in one day. We also didn't swim with whale sharks in The Philippines as for me it would've freaked me out because it's the biggest shark in the world, ride elephants in Bali as it's hideously expensive for what it is, they get them to do tricks and it wouldn't feel right, or go to any of the monkey forests as we had wilder monkeys going through our resort every day. Nor did we go to the temple at Uluwatu in Bali as it's just become too touristy, but it's a real event at sunset. Be aware of monkeys, particularly at Uluwatu. You can see why in the video below, from Chris Packham's BBC programme World's Sneakiest Animals:

So that was my holiday! Thanks for reading, you who have made it all the way to the end!