My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Burnout and us

There has been a lot of talk recently about burnout, especially as it was reported as a medical condition, widely covered in the press, but the WHO term it as an occupational phenomenon. It has been a topic where I work and something I wish to tackle in my role as a wellbeing advocate for the University of Cambridge.

However I came across an article that has made me rethink burnout and how it's actually a more personal topic than I realised. I immediately bookmarked the article as it intimately resonated with me. Ignore the fact that it's on Buzzfeed; it's basically an academic article: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

It has made me realise that I'm suffering from burnout, a generational and contemporary problem apparently. It is why among my group of friends, acquaintances and Facebook community, it seems very few of us have settled down, got married and had children. Some of them are only just starting to at the age of 35. Those who are just coming round to that idea, after finally getting to a place in their careers where they feel stable, are made to reconsider bringing new life into a world with uncertain political situations, unstable global circumstances and the decline in the climate and the environment.

That is not only the way I feel, but also my mental health has prevented me from even getting close to a place where children might be a possibility. Add to that my physical health; a recent diagnosis of endometriosis, after a few years of an "unusual presentation" of symptoms and almost 20 years of symptoms I was unaware of, which I will write about at a later date once I've had a procedure and seen a specialist, might mean it's impossible anyway or at least more difficult.

Let's break the article down. I'll try and beware of sweeping statements, but I will ignore the exceptions. One statement to start with: burnout isn't necessarily a bad thing to our employers, our families and those we rely on, "our capacity to burn out and keep working is our greatest value."

Millennials
If you're born between 1981 and 1996, you're classed as a millennial whether you like it or not. We went through extensive exams, global terrorism, the financial crisis. We grew up with computers, mobile phones and then social media. We're the most connected generation, but this has made us feel unconnected. Millennials are "struggling to achieve the same standards of living as our parents, operating in psychological and physical precariousness, all while being told that if we just work harder, meritocracy will prevail, and we’ll begin thriving. The carrot dangling in front of us is the dream that the to-do list will end, or at least become far more manageable."

Life has become work
Our work-life balance is gone. "That’s one of the most ineffable and frustrating expressions of burnout: It takes things that should be enjoyable and flattens them into a list of tasks." Even when we're not working, we might be treating life like work; TV programmes we watch become a box-ticking exercise, life experiences are on a mental to-do list and relationships/friendships can be treated like goals. We feel guilty when we're not working, so we're always on call, always contactable: "burnout isn’t a place to visit and come back from; it’s our permanent residence."

Errand paralysis
The time-intensive, analog tasks with little reward, but necessary sit undone. I put it down to anxiety, procrastination and laziness, which I've been beating myself up over for a while now, especially as I hadn't been through my finances for months. I've been putting off tasks at work which have no deadlines. I moved house a few months ago and I've been getting my stuff in order in phases. It's made me feel inefficient, unproductive and unmotivated. It's made me feel less engaged with life.

Self-optimisation
Everything we do has to be efficient. We take the shortest routes, easiest options, multi-purpose products: convenience is key. We're our own promoters, showing our best selves on Instagram and Facebook, sharing opinions on Twitter and creating a personal brand on LinkedIn. However the things that are supposed to help like website optimisation, there's an app for that and electronic customer service, only make things worse.

Decision fatigue
Life is full of options, it's difficult to choose. We're bombarded with information and information overload has become the norm. Our attention is divided all the time. Just having our phone on our desk, email alerts and a social media tab open, is an unconscious diversion. We are not just experiencing information overload, but cognitive overload.

"Self-care isn’t a solution; it’s exhausting."
We know there's a problem, with the rise in mental health problems. Meditation, yoga, health apps, sleep trackers, Marie Kondo... "What is anxiety if not the condition of trying to live under these conditions?"

The solution
If you're reading this expecting a solution? There isn't one.

"You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.” You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique."

We have to understand that "it doesn’t feel hopeless. It’s not a problem I can solve, but it’s a reality I can acknowledge, a paradigm through which I can understand my actions."

The chronicles of Nadiya, anxiety and me

Anxiety and Me. Me and anxiety. It's strange seeing it written like that as for a long time, it was me vs. anxiety. However Nadiya's Anxiety and Me programme has given me new perspective on something I thought I knew everything about. I've been living with it long enough! Sometimes in my life, it was Anxiety with a capital letter as it felt like another being, a thing separate from me trying to take over. Sometimes anxiety felt like a permanent part of me, lurking in the background. But it's something that's always there, no matter how much a handle I have on it. The trick is not to treat it as a battle, not to be a victim suffering from it and not to look for a cure. It will always be anxiety and me.

Anxiety makes you feel crazy, you're not

This post has been prompted by watching Nadiya's programme, but it's not about her as a person, famous as the winner of The Great British Bake Off (GBBO), or about her work. I'm not going to go through reviewing everything she's done on Bake Off and beyond. Nadiya Hussain is an incredible person. I will get that out the way. I admire her. I loved her on GBBO. I have seen all she has done since or have it recorded to watch later. I had to call this post partly The Chronicles of Nadiya, as one of the first programmes she did after GBBO had that title and I thought it was genius. I hope she was the one to come up with it. I'm here to write about her most recent programme about anxiety.

Anxiety gives you tunnel vision

While I am not writing this post as a salutatory tribute to Nadiya Hussain, it will be salutatory as she has done incredible things all while living with crippling anxiety. It started when she was at school and despite all that, she has had an arranged marriage, fallen in love, had three children, was a contestant on a major TV show in Bake Off, won it, done numerous TV programmes and travelled the world. If you haven't seen Anxiety and Me, watch it: https://t.co/br19tfDwdq. It'll only take an hour of your life and there's still time left to watch it, but not long.

You are not alone

The reason I want you to watch it is it will give you an insight into what my life is like, at least sometimes. Nadiya is living my life of 10 or so years ago. It's shown me how far I've come, how much of an impact it had on all areas of my life and how strong I was back then, though I felt myself weak at the time and still do to some extent. It has also shown me things I didn't notice I do that are related to my anxiety; I've decided to own it as it will always be a part of me and because everyone's experience of anxiety is different.

Anxiety can make everything feel a bit much

I knew I had to be in the right mind, the right state and the right moment to watch it. I was right! There were moments where I felt uncomfortable, because of what was being shown and described, but also due to the revelations I was having. Watching Anxiety and Me did make me feel anxious at times as well. For some who aren't as far along in their recovery, it should come with a trigger warning, especially when Nadiya describes her symptoms and the bullying she went through.

It took me a while to write this as I didn't know what to focus on. Should I dwell on the similarities and differences between our experiences of anxiety? Should I cover the symptoms, the background or both? Should I talk about how I got through it and Nadiya's therapies? Each would be helpful and the more we talk about it, the more commonplace it will seem, allowing us to get past the stigma. Anxiety is a personal thing and everyone's experience is different, but there are commonalities.

Anxiety is not obvious to everyone else

The internet is great for the symptoms: try the NHS, Mind and Anxiety UK. I've written posts about the physical effects and history of therapies. But there is varying help on the internet and no self-help cure. A professional must be consulted, using a combination of methods. Locals to Cambridgeshire can get help by self-referring to the NHS's CPFT service, which was the breakthrough for me.

The first step is talking to someone about it, whether it's a family member, colleague, friend or a stranger if that's easier. If you've been living with anxiety for some time, been through therapy, medication and other methods, but you're still struggling like Nadiya, enough hasn't been done. It's hard when you're tired, but continue to force the issue. Anxiety isn't a battle, but getting help can be.

The spiralling thoughts of anxiety

What is important is that people like Nadiya sharing their stories help others, not only in terms of recognising their own mental health issues, and encouraging them to get help, but also showing how much you can achieve despite the difficulties. It's truly inspirational.

The programme and Nadiya are proof that mental health issues aren't down to weakness, they show strength. There's strength in living with anxiety and still continuing to live your life, hold down a job and maintain relationships.

Repeat it. Anxiety isn't weakness. Living with anxiety takes strength that many can't even imagine.

In the dark times, that makes for a great mantra.

What I do when having a panic attack

N.B. All the images in this post are copyright free taken from Unsplash and Pixabay. They are my favourites when I did a simple search for anxiety, but there are some terrible and downright shocking ones out there, so many stereotypes and tropes!

End of an era

Two things came to an end recently, the obvious one being Game of Thrones (GOT), but the other is no less significant. I'm lucky in that I've been born in a time where I've grown up with a few cultural constants in my life. My brothers were of the Star Wars generation, which at the time was a cultural revolution, no hyperbole involved. No one thought it could happen again, but it did. I was the Lord of the Rings generation, which was extended with The Hobbit films. I much prefer being in this generation as, for a start, they are far better written! They became another cultural touchpoint. But arguably, both of these franchises have been far surpassed by the MCU (Marvel Comic Universe) generation. I may have been an adult by that time, but comics hark back to childhoods and the geeks had by now inherited the earth, when they were sneered at with Star Wars. Now there is the Game of Thrones generation. It may be a TV series rather than a film series, and there are quite a few cultural constants of that kind which escaped the echo chamber of their audiences such as Doctor Who, Lost and 24, but it has had a far reaching impact, not Harry Potter level impact though, mainly because children can't watch it!

The Dark Hedges, Northern Ireland

Cultural constants, cultural phenomenons, cultural touchpoints, whatever you want to call them are important because they become the through-line of our lives. Cultural constants have to surpass their viewers, meaning even people, the general populous, who don't watch it or even engage with it know more than they want to about it. Today, they become memes. This may seem frivolous, but it means they have been taken out of context, while remaining an in-joke for those in the know, and they have become a wider phenomenon. When you literally grow up with something or it becomes the background to a major period in your life, your attachment to it is permanently embedded. There is a longer post in this.

Map of Westeros

Attachment to cultural constants mean it's all the more painful when they come to an end. When pop bands split up, young people sob in the streets because it's like a rug being pulled from under you, a rock has been taken away, the foundations removed that you had been unconsciously relying on. Even years afterwards, when you thought you had moved on from it all, you can still be affected by it. For instance, when Stephen Gately from Boyzone died, I was very emotional for days. I hadn't listened to one of their songs since I was a teenager when I listened to their albums on repeat, but with his death, it felt like a piece of my childhood had gone with him.

Jon Snow Pop! Vinyl figurine

The difference with Star Wars, the MCU and Game of Thrones is they will continue, in a different guise of course in the form of prequels, sequels with new characters, books, TV series and on to a new phase. Allowing the audience the time to theorise, to talk amongst themselves, to band together created a cultural juggernaut in Game of Thrones as it ensured they could experience something collectively, even if it's online. Online communities are powerful in creating an upswell in audience loyalty, just ask Supernatural fans. When that series comes to an end after 15 seasons next year, I'm sure I will have to release my feelings as the fans have become family, as well as the awesome cast.

The Evenstar pendant

Talking about releasing feelings, I was still at school when the first Lord of the Rings film came out and I was in the grip of crippling anxiety. I had a panic attack during the moment the hobbits were being sniffed out hiding under a tree. I take it as a blessing in disguise as it was my friend's birthday; I wouldn't have gone out of choice. I read the books, saw The Fellowship of the Ring at home on DVD and went to the cinema the next year to see The Two Towers as a hardcore fan and had no panic attack as I knew what was coming, even though it was darker. I wear the evenstar pendant every day to symbolise my proud geekdom. As one film came out every year at Christmas, it became tradition, adding to the affection of its audience. With The Hobbit films, that was continued and had an in-built fanbase, not least because there was a returning director and returning actors, screenwriters and crew. No wonder New Zealand has become such a popular destination; it feels like home to so many.

Hobbit house

However those trilogies only lasted 3 years each. The MCU films officially started in 2003 with the first Iron Man film and through 23 films have ended, that phase at least, with The Avengers: Endgame, spanning 16 years. This is a major period in anyone's life. The characters appeared in each other's films, all reuniting in The Avengers films and one Captain America film. This adds to the feeling of connection. It also spawns the need to see and know everything; the difference between one or two people staying after the credits of the first films to see tiny, often funny, inessential sequences, to the latter films where practically everyone stayed, was tremendous. What was even better were the through-lines throughout all the films: the in-jokes, continuity sequences, repeated quotes, background references and recurring minor characters. These rewarded loyal viewers. Two such characters got their own TV series: Agent Carter for Peggy and Agents of SHIELD for Phil Coulson, even bringing him back from the dead. The fan affinity for these people generated such a reaction, they created the environment where it was untenable if they weren't seen again. This habit was paramount in the Endgame finale with them going back in time to see the previous films from another angle, quite literally. It was like a greatest hits, a reunion concert and farewell tour all in one.

Stan Lee RIP

Everything has to end and we do have to say farewell, but that doesn't mean it's forever. As cultural institutions have such a big impact, they stay in memories and can be recalled for a nostalgia fix or by rewatching. But they won't be new. That is why when they return, decades after in Star Wars', Indiana Jones' and Doctor Who's cases, it is a big thing, unless they alienate their audience like George Lucas did with the remastering of the original Star Wars trilogy and the much maligned prequels and the terrible Crystal Skull Indy film. The Hobbit trilogy had its naysayers, but ultimately it was a success and didn't ruin the legacy of The Lord of the Rings. Game of Thrones has alienated at least some of its fans, which may impact the prequel series. To me, the GOT finale was satisfying though. They must have a soothsayer on their payroll, knowing what people would say about the final season and not only justify, but affectionately mock the shortcomings. It seemed to address all the criticisms the season and especially the penultimate episode incited, explaining Dany's actions, proving Arya's power, punishing Jon's weakness, validating Bran's status and even showing compassion to Ghost, while concluding the others' storylines. As Tyrion put it, “No one is very happy, which means it's a good compromise."

San Juan de Gaztelugatxe, Bakio

So, will something else come along to take over our lives and become another cultural phenomenon that we will forever remember? Never say never. They have been happening for as long as national communication has been capable. I'm sure Shakespeare had a major impact in his time, but if social media had existed, think how much further his reach would have been. Charles Dickens was the talk of the nation when his work was serialised in periodicals. But in the age of intangible, ephemeral communication, I wonder if today's cultural touchpoints will have as lasting an impact.

Mental health and physical health

I feel like a fraud. It's taken me this long to write a post for Mental Health Awareness Week as I found out last weekend that my mental health problems stem not just from one chronic illness that causes my physical symptoms, but now two. I know I shouldn't blame all of my mental health problems on my physical health, but they play a significant part.

It is true that sometimes it's difficult to know where physical health and mental health start and end. Which is the chicken and which is the egg? For me, I question whether the physical health problems I didn't know I had caused the anxiety, or if the anxiety was there already. What a lot of people don't realise is the sheer gamut of physical symptoms mental health problems can cause. I've made a list at the end of this post of those I've experienced, differentiating between anxiety and panic attacks.

However my anxiety issues started, they are here to stay. They can be situational such as when I have to teach, go on a date, or travel by plane. They can be due to memories such as seeing a person who reminds me of bad times, songs that evoke negative emotions or anything that brings up when I was bullied at school. They can also be muscle memory as anything that increases my heart rate, gives me butterflies in my stomach or affects my breathing can bring on anxiety as my body equates those functions with an attack. Exercise can be problematic and I avoid being overly excited.

I have chronicled my vestibular problem before and the moments of seemingly random out of the blue vertigo started at a similar time to my panic attacks, which lead to generalised anxiety (GAD). However, after almost three years of again seemingly random out of the blue gut problems, which I initially dismissed as caused by my anxiety, then possibly by a tropical holiday, then by my diet, then by something more sinister, then dismissed as IBS, it turns out they're caused by endometriosis, which can cause dizziness and anxiety, along with other mental health problems. I was passed around the hospital, visiting many different departments, with frequent tests, procedures and treatments over those years; some were disruptive and some were downright disturbing, but I got to know how amazing the NHS is far more than I have ever done.

That said, when you have a history of mental health problems, no matter how great the system is, you will come across people, from the most harried of GPs to the most senior of consultants, who take one look at your medical record and write your symptoms off as psychosomatic or just another manifestation of anxiety. However I knew there was something wrong. I knew my body. That is one of the upsides of having a mental health problem, you become very self-aware, hyperaware almost. I'm an introvert and highly sensitive, so it's more pronounced for me. That's why I love that there's a move to rebrand hypochondria as health anxiety. So any change, yes you question whether it's just another anxiety symptom, but after living with anxiety for half my life at that stage, I knew it wasn't. Apart from the sudden onset and the fact that I was in the best place with my anxiety than I had ever been due to undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I knew the effects of anxiety inside and out; I had lived through the vast majority of them right up to and including a mental breakdown.

So I had to fight, just like I had to fight for my vestibular diagnosis. I wish I didn't have to, but I'm lucky that I haven't experienced as much of the stigma towards mental health as I know others have. Every test they did, there was a valid reason to do it and every time it came back negative, equivocal or there was no improvement, I forced the issue. That's why it took so long, they had to rule out a tropical disease with blood and stool tests, a parasite by sending samples to a special centre, coeliac disease with more tests, food allergies and intolerances with elimination diets, something more sinister with endoscopies, via a leftfield nuclear medicine scan until finally I had the third MRI of my life, which revealed the problem. I could have given up, but the doubters, including me at times, were wrong, my concerns had been validated and once more my perseverance has been justified.

Everything is interconnected and the endometriosis, which with hindsight has been causing increasing severity in my period-related symptoms over the years, but, in medical terminology, has an unusual presentation because the gynecological symptoms aren't significant and the gut problems are far worse. The only pattern, not dietary, not regular and certainly not serious, but still affecting my quality of life, was that time of the month. It is another cog in the wheel of understanding my gradually worsening health where it feels like my body is beginning to fail me and there's no cure, just management. The not knowing, the uncertainty was unbearable, but a diagnosis, that I can live with.

TRIGGER WARNING, these symptoms aren't pretty, but I don't get most of them anymore:

Anxiety:

• Weakened immune system leading to colds and bugs
• Lack of energy and motivation
• Lack of concentration due to racing and spiralling fixating thoughts
• Dizziness
• Breathlessness and shallow breathing
• Muscle tension meaning diarrhoea, constipation and stomach cramps
• Muscle tension leading to pain in the shoulders, neck, back and jaw
• Dental pain due to clenching of the jaw
• Headaches
• Nausea
• Restless legs, jitters and fidgety behaviour, including eye twitching
• Food cravings, usually sugar
• Loss of appetite
• Sudden need to pass water
• Intense thirst
• Sweating, including night sweats
• Hypersensitivity of the skin
• Sleeplessness and insomnia
• Hot flushes
• Reliance on distractions such as TV and alcohol

Panic attacks, in order of occurrence:

1. Hyperventilation (but you don't realise)
2. Pins and needles, usually in the extremities, but starting in the nose
3. Feeling of handcuffs around the wrists
4. Wind: burping and farting
5. Bodily functions stop such as sneezing, digestion and oxygen to the extremities
6. Tight chest so it feels like you can't breathe
7. Heart palpitations so it feels like you're having a heart attack
8. Hot flushes so severe you start to take your clothes off
9. Claustrophobia so you have to take anything constricting off including your bra and jewellery
10. Self-harming through pinching to relieve the pain inside
11. Vertigo meaning severe nausea
12. Throwing up
13. Shaking
14. The need to be as low to the ground as possible, usually on the floor
15. Can't take in food or liquid as throat closes off
16. Severe tension in limbs so you can't move
17. Severe tension in the jaw so you can't speak
18. Need to have people around, but not liking to be touched
19. Feeling of impending doom
20. Whiteout where you lose your vision and feel like you're going to faint

Afterwards I get thirsty but can only sip, the shakes, cold chills, diarrhoea and severe fatigue. That's the adrenaline comedown. It's good to feel the cold as that's the first sign I'm coming out of it. The next day I feel hungover and I often find bruises where I've unconsciously pinched myself.

They say you can't pass out due to a panic attack, but I beg to differ, particularly when they're this severe. Also, they say they only last 15 minutes, which may be true, but you can have another straight afterwards; I had panic attacks all day every day for almost a week which came in waves and left my legs black and blue as I had been pinching them so much. I wish I'd taken a photo so people can see, but also not as it could encourage self-harming and it was that shocking, I don't want to remember.

However writing posts like this is important as it not only helps others understand their own mental health conditions and if I help just one person, then that's a success, but it also shows me how far I've come, what I've lived through and how strong I can be. Some days I need that.

35 fictional boyfriends

It's my birthday and I'm 35. So I've written a special blog post for the occasion. My great loves in my life have always been from books, TV programmes and films. This has meant I have had many fictional boyfriends in my lifetime.

Fictional boyfriends have allowed me to get close to men when, in real life, my anxiety hasn't let me get close to anyone as my fight or flight kicks in for some reason; you can't run away from fictional boyfriends, throw up in front of them or simply not try due to literally paralysing fear. They have also given me the opportunity to date them when I watch them on TV, on the big screen or read about them. You can give up on them, but, true story, apart from panic attacks, I have never left the cinema, not seen a TV series to its end or not finished a book. To be perfectly honest, fictional boyfriends may be the reason I have never had a boyfriend; no one can live up to them!

So, if you know anyone who complements my anxiety-prone nature, who is witty, laidback and patient, loves books, TV and films; he'll have to be able to get all my references; has a bit of an edge, thinks deeply and will challenge me, set me up!

Disclaimer: This is the unashamed, non-guilty pleasure and unedited, while also edited a lot, list of all my fictional boyfriends past and present. They have all played a significant part in my fictional romantic life from an early, perhaps too early, age right up to now. Some were of their time, some came at the right time and some are timeless. I have tried not to be swayed by actors, although I did go through phases of liking certain people.

Jordan Catalano

Leon

I didn't include: Jared Leto's Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life (too much of a cipher, despite being sooo pretty); Burt Ward's Robin from the 60s Batman (one of my first TV crushes, but don't think it was romantic); Ross Poldark (I can't have two Aidan Turner characters, he leaves his love alone too often and he's even worse in the books); Henry Ian Cusick's Desmond from Lost (all of that cast is sullied by the final episode, but what a lovely Scottish accent and such a lovable character); Jean Reno's Leon from Leon/The Professional (despite being sweet, sensitive and able to look after himself, he does kill people); David Bowie's Goblin King Jareth from Labyrinth (too disturbing, but caused many a teenage awakening for an entire generation of boys and girls); the bad boys from The Breakfast Club (Judd Nelson's Bender), Rebel Without a Cause (James Dean's Jim Stark) and Eoin Macken's Gwaine from BBC's Merlin (too difficult to be around); the antiheros from A Discovery of Witches (it's only because of Matthew Goode's portrayal of Matthew Clairmont that I'm even mentioning him as he's sooo obsessive and controlling), House (Hugh Laurie, too petty and gloomy), The Mentalist (Simon Baker's Patrick Jane, too frivolous on the outside and dark on the inside), Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock (too selfish) and any of the superhero TV series (too dangerous and stressful to be with); Samurai Jack from the cartoon series (more respectful of him than anything else); and any sappy romcom guy like those from Ever After, Breakfast at Tiffany's or The Notebook (too perfect and unrealistic).

35. Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights: The guy you idealise and idolise without realising their true character. He used to be my fictional boyfriend when I was a teenager; he connected with me as Emily Bronte was writing exactly how I saw romance at the time. But as I grew older and obviously Emily didn't get to live that long, I realised she didn't have a chance to write about real love and I realised how Heathcliff and Cathy's love is unrealistic. He's like your boyfriend from school and while you now both want different things out of life, you can't let each other go due to your shared history. Never has a love soared so high and sunk so low, in the book and with me.

34. Rochester - Jane Eyre: The older man you want to notice you. It may be one of my favourite books of all time, but Rochester is awful. He's the man you love to hate. The man you wish you could give up, but you can't. You know he loves you for you, but that love is twisted, controlling and manipulative. He won't take no for an answer, lurking around you until you give in. It's only when Jane becomes more powerful than him, that they can be together. At least Charlotte understood love a bit more than her sister. My favourite portrayal is by Orson Welles, though everyone has brought something different to Rochester. Anne Bronte was the Bronte who wrote about love the best.

33. Rhett Butler - Gone With The Wind: The cheeky and confident man every girl loves and every boy wants to be. The book version and not Clark Gable's film version, obviously. He's not as bad in the book, but he's still pretty terrible. His only saving grace is his unconditional love for Scarlett, the way he challenges her, including laughing at her which is great, and how much he believes in her, even if he does reject her at the end, it's clear he still wants her. These types of men exert a magnetic pull all of their own, but it's more lust than love.

Colin Firth's Darrcy

32. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice: The brooding silent type you want to get to know. Best of a bad bunch following Heathcliff and Rochester. I guess it's controversial having him so low down the list as he's many people's ideal fictional romance. His brooding intensity, strong silent presence set the romantic archetype forever more. I wasn't immune, but he's like that guy who's not as great as he thinks he is, despite his money and influence.

31. Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie: The boy who never notices girls. Before I was attracted to boys, I was drawn to Peter Pan by reading the book. I loved his devil-may-care attitude and I never wanted to grow up, just like him, but with him!

30. Robin Hood - The Disney version: The leader of the pack who has a whole gang around him. I think this was one of my first fictional crushes and I think it might have been quite a few people's of my age. How can a cartoon fox be so attractive?! Maid Marian may have been the same for lovers of the fairer sex.

Hawkeye

29. Clint Barton/Hawkeye - The MCU films: The strong and stable type. I had to include a superhero as they are one of my film obsessions right now and I'm seeing the latest Avengers for my birthday. Clint is the most stable of them all and you can tell he's a great father, not just from the big reveal, but by how he treats Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch. Plus, Jeremy Renner is an underrated actor.

Oberyn

28. Oberyn Martell/The Viper - Game of Thrones: The coolest guy in school who always seems to have a different girl on his arm. His character in the books is so vibrant, confident and powerful, I was hooked and then when he was played by Pedro Pascal in the TV series, I was gone. He was true to himself, his proclivities and his passion. I wish I could be that uninhibited. However our relationship didn't last long, as he doesn't last long. But it was good while it lasted.

27. Legolas - The Lord of the Rings and Will Turner - The Pirates of the Caribbean films: The archetypal romantic hero. Alright, I had an Orlando Bloom period, but Will is straight out of an Errol Flynn film. He will do anything for love and who doesn't want that? For Legolas, clearly this was the film version and not Tolkien's, so it's all about Orlando Bloom's performance. He may be more interested in his friends than you, but he can turn his hand to anything.

26. Captain Jack Sparrow - The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: He wants you, he wants you not. Note that this is specifically about the Jack from the first film. I have a weird thing for amoral men, I must do. He would've been higher if Johnny Depp had not gone down in my estimation. He's the love you and leave you type, who'd return to you if he felt like it, but he's never around.

Kili

25. Kili - The Hobbit: The romantic. As there is no romantic subplot with a character that doesn't even exist in the books, this purely comes from Aidan Turner. For a dwarf, he's prone to frivolity, mischief and fun, plus he takes romance seriously. But this romance is doomed.

24. Dickon - The Secret Garden: He will always love something else more than you. After reading the book, Dickon was in my thoughts a lot. He loves animals and even has a medal named after him. My love for Dickon is pure and he will always have a special place in my heart.

Jesse

23. Jesse - Free Willy: The diamond in the rough. The film came out at the right time for me, okay? He may look like he's not worth the trouble, but all he needs is someone to take him under his wing. I still harbour an interest in Jason James Richter; years ago we were MySpace friends and bonded over the band Travis!

22. Laurie - Little Women: The literal boy next door. Always on the list of fictional boyfriends, but he's a slow grower. You won't realise you like him that way until suddenly it seems like you've always loved him. Give it time, there's always the money, playfulness and puppydog loyalty to tide you over in the meantime.

21. Jamie Fraser - Outlander series: Too good to be true, even for a fictional boyfriend. This is why he isn't higher up the list; he's a sensitive principled warrior, an oxymoron in itself, can look after himself and others, but is also tender and gentle. He's another who would do anything for love and family and puts his life on the line way too many times. I have a penchant for a Scottish accent, so Sam Heughan in the TV series is high up on my TV crush list.

Martin

20. Martin Blank - Grosse Pointe Blank: The drifter. The first entry for John Cusack and an assured fictional boyfriend as he's in one of my favourite films. He will frustrate you and turn you on in equal measure with his sarcasm, dark wit and ability to protect you come what may. But you never know whether he's going to stick around or not.

19. Jack Pearson - This Is Us: The ultimate archetype. Jack is too perfect: handsome, strong, funny, capable and loving and no matter how much they try to undo that with his closed-off-ness, perfectionism and stubbornness in later episodes, it's too late, he's the archetype of a father, husband, son and brother.

18. Geordi La Forge - Star Trek: The Next Generation: He will always be there for you. Maybe it's because he wore glasses, maybe because the actor LeVar Burton has the same surname as me or maybe it's because he's a smart, funny and loyal guy who's a great friend to someone different. I fell for Geordi at an impressionable age.

Killian

17. Hook/Killian Jones - Once Upon a Time: The bad boy turned good. The series may be over, but his loyalty saw him through to the end. He could've been so much less attractive, interesting and charismatic if it were not for Colin O'Donoghue, who forced them to make more of his character by the sheer power of his performance. He's a bad boy, selfish and flippant, but love will change him into a caring, mischievous and strong hero.

16. Jon Snow - Game of Thrones: Someone to rely on... He's one of the main characters in the programme and books and Kit Harington is Jon Snow; he makes me feel like a teenager again. I don't think he'd make the greatest of boyfriends as he's highly virtuous, ambitious and prone to getting into trouble, betrayed and even killed, but he'd make a brilliant friend when the relationship inevitably goes sideways.

15. Aladdin - The Disney version: Just give him a chance. The film came out at an impressionable moment. It didn't help that he was based on Michael J. Fox, one of my all-time crushes. He's handsome, sensitive, romantic, cheeky and offers freedom. What more could a girl ask for?

Henry

14. Henry Tilney - Northanger Abbey: You will need to make the first move. My favourite Jane Austen book and my favourite Jane Austen main man. He's a lovely guy, just not someone who would come out and tell you, loving you from afar. You'd catch him looking at you, but he will look away when you see him. He's worth the effort.

13. Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The antihero. Angel may be Buffy's paramour, but Spike is her truest love, even if it's unrequited. James Marsters wins over David Boreanaz any day. You can't change Spike, but if you spend enough time, he can change for you.

Logan Echolls

12. Logan Echolls - Veronica Mars: He will change for you. I'm team Logan all the way (Piz is soft) and he wins Veronica in the books and film. Jason Dohring was so good at being bad, they upped his part. But he isn't bad, he's misunderstood and acting out. He just needs someone to believe in him. Logan is the rare thing: a man you can change through sheer persistence.

11. Benny - Benny and Joon: You will make a good team. For those of you who haven't yet seen this film, you have to. Seriously. It's one of Johnny Depp's best performances. He's your equal in all things, a true partner, someone to consult about anything and you could live the rest of your life with.

Dean

10. Dean Winchester - Supernatural: He'd be your everything and you'd be everything to him. I know I should love Sam more as he's the intelligent one who reads books, is a good researcher and a sensitive soul; he'd make a great librarian. But it's Dean who I find the most attractive; you know he'd look after you, defend you and give great hugs, as well as be a fantastic father. If he has the time between hunting monsters and saving the world. It helps that Jensen Ackles, in fact the whole cast, are awesome people.

Jess

9. Jess Mariano - Gilmore Girls: A walking contradiction. I'm team Jess all the way: Dean is an idiot and Logan turns Rory into someone she's not. Jess loves books! He's a bit of a bad boy. He's a sensitive soul. He's so considerate, caring and compassionate. Milo Ventimiglia is easy on the eye. If only he could get his act together and stop wasting his talent. He makes you bite your lip when you see him and you know you shouldn't get involved, but you can't help yourself.

8. Lloyd Dobler - Say Anything: The friend who becomes something more. Okay, I have a small John Cusack preoccupation. However he plays toasted marshmallows so well: crusty on the outside and soft on the inside. He's the ideal boyfriend, your childhood sweetheart, your first love and only love, someone you could grow old with.

Benton and Dief

7. Benton Fraser - Due South: Too good for this world. He's the ideal man in many ways. He looks handsome in his mountie uniform, but when he puts on a leather jacket... Benton is so much more than man candy though. I love his intelligence, his kindness and his polite nature, but adore his innocence. Paul Gross gives him an edge.

Ten

6. The Tenth Doctor - Doctor Who: The stalwart presence. David Tennant is my Doctor. When you spend so much time with someone, even if they change on you, they will always be a big part of your life.

5. Beast - Disney's Beauty and the Beast: The one who will always put you before himself. He gave her a library!

4. Marty McFly - Back to the Future: The one who knows who he is. I had a huge crush on Michael J. Fox for a time, entirely based on this film. Now I just admire and respect him hugely. The love has developed. What I adore about him the most is the fact he is entirely his own person, accepts himself and his flaws and is unashamedly himself.

Westley

3. Westley/The Dread Pirates Roberts/The Man in Black - The Princess Bride: The fantasy. He is the same witty, sarcastic, confident, assured and prepared man all the way through the book and the film. You know he can put his hand to anything. He is intelligent, strong, skilful, learned and romantic. The book is wonderful, the film is peerless and Cary Elwes interpretation will always be my fictional boyfriend. Yet, I haven't put him at the top...

Michael Vartan

2. Michael Vaughn/SPOILER André Micheaux - Alias: The paramour. Michael Vartan's love interest is almost perfect, but he should have waited! He was always going to be on this list as he's in my favourite TV series of all time. However his courage, determination and ability to lapse into French at any time helped. Plus, he's supportive but gives you your freedom. He's romantic, but not in a soppy way. He's intelligent, loyal and couldn't do more for you. He's like the boy next door, who's your first unrequited love and you discover each other again later in life...

1. Gilbert Blythe - Anne of Green Gables series: The perfect fictional boyfriend. Gilbert develops from a idiotic boy into an incredible man, boyfriend and SPOILER husband, while never being perfect himself. You can grow up and grow old together, never growing apart. The fictional boyfriend that lasts the test of time.

Gilbert Blythe (Jonathan Crombie)