Music therapy

I have brought music back into my life. I realised how little music I listen to, just as part of film and TV soundtracks and on long car journeys: the only time I listen to the radio. It was a big part of one of my old jobs and it was crucial there; working at a police station can be extremely stressful. We listened to the radio, all day every day. I have a playlist full of music from that time and after the annual Cambridge Librarians conference I created a new one, which you can see on Spotify.

It's one of the three new year resolutions I made; I know, I don't usually make them, but I find myself at a transition point in my life mentally and I needed to make some changes: music via some cordless headphones, health and fitness (the first part being out of my hands and in the doctors') and writing my book, which is going slowly. However this is helping as music is a big part of my book. I toyed with the idea of at the beginning of each chapter naming a song as a thematic device, but that became too unwieldy. So, using Scott Pilgrim as inspiration; the author listed the songs he listened to when he was writing the book at the end; I have created a playlist for the book, which I will put on Spotify if it gets published.

Scott Pilgrim

Music helps me emotionally, so I don't know how I've done without it for so long. However I know why; in-ear headphones affect my balance as it changes the pressure inside my ears. Over-ear headphones are fine, but the cord gets in the way, so I needed cordless headphones. They're the best Christmas present I've had for years as they have changed my life. Listening to music over lunch has improved my mood no end, especially as I've been tipping towards depression. It's been long overdue as it is quite common with anxiety sufferers, but now I have a handle on my anxiety, it has started to manifest. The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack has been helping. The conference was too much for 70s and 80s music to combat though. Big social occasions overwhelm me, on three fronts: mentally, physically and both together. The social anxiety of having to mingle and make conversations, alongside crowds of people putting me literally off balance due to my vestibular condition and all the noise, commotion and activity affecting my high sensitivity. So, just like with the Christmas party, mentioned in my Quiet book review post, I was grateful to have a job to focus on; because my workplace was hosting it, I helped make sure our library looked the best it could be, creating posters and plasma screen slides beforehand and displays on the day. When I felt overwhelmed, I had the excuse to pop back and check on things, plus my natural conscientiousness drove me to do that anyway! There, I could deal with fewer groups of people, showing them round. However, unlike the party, I had to focus and listen and take things in. I had to engage my brain, so I really had to manage my issues which was doubly exhausting.

After the conference, I had adrenalin overload, a consequence of the anxiety. I did pop my head in the pub afterwards, but when I cringed every time I said anything, imagining social fauxpas, I knew I had to go home. I was right, as it kicked in when I got in the door. So I had to slow things down. If I don't do anything, it could trigger a panic attack and the subsequent adrenalin comedown, both aren't pretty and make me feel awful. So keen to avoid that, I went home and listened to my wind down playlist as I call it. The One Show and Death in Paradise, cosy, good-hearted and mildly challenging TV helped too. There are few Cafe Del Mar type pieces of music as my chillout tunes need words and lyrics, otherwise I can't connect with it. Let me know your own wind down music. Books are the ultimate way to wind down for me though.

I won't include the full list of songs here as you can see, and hear, it on Spotify; I've called the playlist wind down obviously. Instead, here is some of the reasoning behind my song picks: blur as Damon Albarn's just-got-out-of-bed voice is soothing and has real meaning behind it, not the youthful exuberance of their earlier songs, excepting The Universal, but those from Think Tank; Travis, my favourite band would always make an appearance, their mellower later tracks are beautiful and Fran's lyrics and melodies speak to me like nothing else; Leftfield as I'm always lulled by their tunes; The Levellers' Elation is a song that sends me to another place; Moondance is one of my favourites of all-time and the version from the film August Rush reminds me of a great moment; Shakespear's Sister is a real nostalgia trip and Stay takes me back in time to listening to the radio on my way home from swimming, all sleepy and relaxed; Sit Down by James has some of my favourite lyrics which make me feel like I'm not alone; Vangelis is one of the best film composers and his music is so out of this world I'm not me anymore; there are songs that bring back memories from great films and TV like Disney which would always make it to any of my playlists, the dreamy The Life Aquatic, seductive performances in The Bronze on Buffy, the excellent Veronica Mars soundtrack and music from my favourite TV series Alias; Elbow's Mirrorball can send me to sleep in the best way; Into Dust by Mazzy Star is trance-like; some songs are self-explanatory just from their titles such as Moby's Down Slow, Will Young's Let It Go  and Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence, one of my favourite songs ever; some artists are just perfect for winding down to such as The Lighthouse Family's smooth tones; and finally Gotta Get Thru This was the soundtrack to my first panic attack-ridden months and was one of the things that literally got me through. I will be forever grateful to Daniel Bedingfield for bringing that song out when he did, so the acoustic version is my go-to to wind me down when nothing else will work.

There are songs I wanted to include, but were either too emotive like Sarah McLachlan, come from films or TV programmes that had too big an impact on me or were songs that remind me of a part of my life that isn't conducive to relaxation. The exception that proves the rule is the Star Trek: Voyager theme as it reminds me of early evenings when I was a kid, warm and snuggly after I'd had my bath. I hope you find some of these helpful, they mostly have a slow rhythm that mimics a relaxed heartbeat and none of them are melancholy, but hopeful and neutral.

Bonus: Here's a Travis song not on Spotify, a lovely Viennese Waltz style song all about me!

Proud to be a Geek: Inside Out review

In another life, I was a film reviewer. I started when I was at university, writing for the Anglia Ruskin student newspaper. That was fun and helped me find my voice. Then I worked for the Cambridge Film Festival; I did some reviews and interviewed the most important film director in Albania (at the time, maybe still) for the festival daily: Kujtim Çashku. That's a story in itself as the venue changed right at the last minute and I ended up interviewing him, along with his wife, his protégé and his wife in the Arts Picturehouse bar! I also got to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 all by myself in one of the screens, which was brilliant but weird. I wrote reviews for an independent film reviewer's website, for Local Secrets and via my Flixster account. You can still read my Local Secrets reviews as they're still on the website. I have gathered them together via MultiURL. Finally I reviewed on a radio show: 209radio which became Cambridge 105; the Bums on Seats team is still going strong, headed up by Toby Miller who occasionally hosts the film quiz at Cambridge Arts Picturehouse; it's on every first Monday of the month.

Miss Potter review

As much as I love films, reviewing them made me lose the enjoyment of watching them and having to go to the cinema to see films I didn't necessarily want to see started to grate. Plus I always took it personally when people didn't like my reviews and reviewers have more power than they know: the power to influence whether someone goes to see a film or not. People can forget that film critics are people with opinions and that's all a review is, one person's opinion. That's why I try to include facts in my reviews, to make my writing less subjective, like with the Miss Potter one above. I think the final straw was Superhero Movie. I no longer go to the cinema unless it's for a film I really want to see, which is only a few times each year, rather than at least 3 times a month. I still blame Bums on Seats for getting me into Twilight, though reading the books, practically devouring them in one sitting, made me disgusted with it. But I learned a lot reviewing, especially on the radio show, and my life is more insular now as I'm not seeing films I might otherwise have passed by; the films I watch are much less broad now. The reviewing did wonders for my confidence, my writing and for my world view.

My fictional library website

My film geekery lead me to take film studies modules at university; I wrote a piece on the trend for making sequels that is as true today as it was when I wrote it. I created a website for my Librarianship degree for a fictional geeky library. It's still up and running! I called it the Abrams' Library after the creator of my favourite TV series Alias, who's done rather well for himself since and proved his geek credentials by directing both the new Star Trek films and the new Star Wars. And my Pinterest page is pretty much taken up by my love of films, TV and books.

My Pinterest page

So it takes a special film to make me want to review it, a film that really means something to me. Jersey Boys was the first in many years and Inside Out is the next film and surely won't be the last.

I must admit, I'm an out and out Disney fan and by extension a Pixar fan. I grew up with Disney; I have only just finished converting my Disney VHS collection to DVD, having received a Disney film each Christmas as a kid from one of my aunties. However this is going to be an objective review, not biased by sentiment. However Disney and Pixar have always been at the top of the animation game, really only rivalled by Studio Ghibli in terms of quality and quantity. Their output has relatively recently veered away from the princesses and fairytales, Brave being a notable exception but Merida is not your typical Disney princess. Toy Story may have started it all, through talking animals, monsters, superheroes and cars. However it was with the space saga Wall-E, a tale of two robots and with an environmental lesson as its theme, that the animation studio started to do something different. It continued with the left of field Up with an old man as its central character. But even by these standards, Inside Out is different.

The Numskulls. Credit: The Beano

When I first heard about it, I was intrigued. I loved the idea of a film which personified emotions and showed the workings of the mind. The premise of human-like creatures controlling us inside our bodies reminded me of The Numskulls, comic characters that feature in The Beano. But where The Numskulls control us physically, Inside Out concentrates on how emotions control us and how the mind works. So even if they did take The Numskulls as inspiration, though The Numskulls writers have said it bares a mere passing resemblance and suggested so in a special cartoon (shown above), they have done something completely different with the idea.

Inside Out may be a kid's film and a Disney Pixar one at that, but there is so much going on, so many references and you can take it on so many levels, I could write an essay on this film. I expect university students will write theses on it in years to come. But I won't, I just want to say why it made such an impression on me. And now it's out on DVD and I've seen it for a second time, I thought it was the right moment.

Inside Out

As with all Disney and Pixar films, Inside Out is for people of all ages, from the youngest, to the eldest. Everyone will see something different in it. But a child could watch it year on year and get something new out of it as they get older; it shows how we change as we grow up. I hope they don't do a sequel with Riley as a teenager, though the short that's on the DVD is great.

The film has a very slight plot and is essentially about how moving house affects a young girl: Riley. Inside Out shows how the five main emotions that rule her head determine her actions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. When Joy and Sadness are accidentally ejected from Riley's control room along with the core memories that define her personality, they go on a journey through her mind to return to save Riley from being overtaken by her fear, anger and disgust.

Imagination Land

For children, a lot of the film will go over their heads, but they'll love the vibrant colours, Bing Bong and the other characters. For older kids though, it will help them understand how emotions work, control you and how they act together. It helped me and I've done a lot of self-analysis over the years! Inside Out has been adopted by mental health experts, sufferers and charities as a way to explain mental illness. It has helped children to understand their mental problems and parents to explain to their children theirs. This is a brilliant thing. The film was created as a way for the writers to explore the changes their children were going through to become teenagers. I think it was such a hit because Americans loved it as they're used to therapy, for our less self-analytical nation it has impact, but in a more subtle way.

Inside Out is really inventive and detailed, showing you the train of thought, imagination, long-term memory and even abstract thought, excelling at showing you how memories can change, how by remembering things later in life it can colour the memory, particularly with sadness; nostalgia literally means homecoming pain or ache. Memories are really what this film is all about. What happens to our memories as we get older. The story of Bing Bong, the childhood imaginary friend is heartbreaking.

Bing Bong

I think it hit me hard thanks to my years of anxiety and I wish they had showed less of Joy and Sadness and more of the others, especially Fear. The only other way they could have improved it is by doing more of what they showed during the credits and during the stand-out scene at the dinner table, inside others' heads and not just Riley's. But the bittersweet ending is wonderful.

Basically, I urge everyone to see it and you'll probably get something different out of it to me!

All shall fade: A Christmas holiday of farewells

Me and my nephews

Most things are ephemeral, everyone knows that. However it doesn't mean we're any the less sad when things come to an end. The knowledge that almost nothing ever lasts forever doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. Recently there have been several significant goodbyes for me. I really wished it could be Christmas every day this new year.

There are always goodbyes at Christmas. When family and friends get together, people that haven't seen each other for a while, especially in my case when some of the family live abroad, there will be hard goodbyes. Even though we had been on holiday together earlier in the year and the goodbye then was difficult and emotional, the goodbye at Christmas, actually on New Year's Eve, was worse. It should have been easier as they were back and forth visiting people and we didn't seen them as much as before. But you never get used to saying goodbye. It should never be a casual thing.

Christmas meal

Christmas always makes things seem more significant: it's the traditions, presents, decorations, family meals, but mostly the time off from everyday life. It may only be a few days in actual time, but in quality time, nothing beats Christmas; it makes everything seem deeper, more profound, loaded: heavy.

Back to the Future, good Christmas film and good use of the word "heavy"

As if saying goodbye to all that wasn't bad enough, what made it worse was seeing my nephews together, with two nieces on the way, two big meals with all 10 of us and a couple of evenings when it really felt like we were one big happy family again. It all made me look back in a nostalgic way. I can still remember being a little kid at big family gatherings, playing with my cousins, my aunts and uncles around. Now I'm one of those aunts. I never thought it would happen. I love being an Auntie, don't get me wrong, but I feel more like a kid than an auntie. I kept thinking of a song lyric: "If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all. And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before." Yes, but in a different role, or torn between two roles: a child and a grown-up.

I guess I just don't want anything to change. Yet it does anyway. Time marches on. Living is easy with eyes closed. So now, after sitting in the cinema last night, listening to Billy Boyd singing as the credits rolled, an era of my life came to an end. I know now how the Star Wars generation felt after Return of the Jedi, how they must have felt after Revenge of the Sith, except The Hobbit films were infinitely better and not a major disappointment. They also came nine years on and not 16 years on.

The moment that caused the panic attack

I know I lay greater significance on Lord of the Rings than it really deserves due to my emotional connection to it; it symbolises my progression after coming through mental illness as I had my worst panic attack while watching the Fellowship of the Ring in the cinema. The films came out during an impressionable time for me. I was seventeen, school had ended and my life was transforming around me, giving me independence, independence I couldn't handle; life was being forced upon me. It was all a great big scary adventure and I empathised with Frodo leaving his safe and comfortable existence and going out into the big dark world. Now the film series has come to an end, when I'm more secure. My life has changed radically from the first Lord of the Rings to the last Hobbit film. I believe I'm quite valid in mourning the end.

Boromir dies

It wasn't like after the last Lord of the Rings film; I was film savvy enough then to realise they would be making The Hobbit. But because of various rights battles, including between the movie studios New Line and MGM, Guillermo Del Toro bowing out and the time it takes to make a Tolkien/Peter Jackson masterpiece, it took longer than expected. But there was always the possibility.

Sitting in the cinema yesterday, it came upon me that this would almost definitely be the last time I would see a new Tolkien film in the cinema. Billy Boyd singing didn't help matters, bringing to mind THAT moment when he sang before, which inspired the title of this blog post and the soundtrack to Faramir's sacrificial charge. I cried in the cinema after Return of the King for Frodo when he sailed from the Grey Havens. I cried for the characters then. This time I cried for me. I cried for the end of an era. I cried for the film series I grew up alongside. I cried for the person I used to be and for the person I am today. I cried for the past. I cried for the future. I didn't weep. Tears were not even shed; I held them back, just. I wish I could have cried instead of crying inside. But I was in a public place and we had to get home. I just had a moment to myself, to mourn. The quality of the film itself ultimately didn't matter, though it was excellent, but like The Lord of the Rings, I preferred the more innocent first of the series; it was what it signified.

Lastly and least importantly, I lost a friend over Christmas: Miranda. Much has been said in criticism about this TV series and I would be the first to admit that the last ever episode wasn't the best. But I have stuck by her from the first hello, through the highs of the therapist episode right until her inevitable wedding. I empathised with all her social faux-pas, potent awkwardness and lack of confidence. In short, as with all Miranda's fans, I saw a lot of myself in her, especially in the struggle to be herself which it ultimately came down to. And despite the silliness, the unreality and flaws of the episode, it was seeing Miranda finally grow up a little, become more independent and gain some self-esteem that moved me. It was a lovely and lovingly crafted goodbye, with a nod to the viewers. So so long to Customer, Clive, Mike, Chris, Alison, the therapist, Charlie, Tilly, Penny, Stevie, Gary and Miranda. I for one will miss you.

Finally, to sum up, I'm turning to Doctor Who, which has been all shades of wrong recently, right from when Steven Moffat took over, especially in the way the latest Doctor is treating humanity; he used to see us as equals, sacrificing himself for Wilfred in the end; now he sees us as something to look down on, patronising and superior. Anyway, the Christmas episode got one thing right. Christmas should be treated like it's your last; a silent goodbye runs through the holiday, never spoken, until the last day of course. Christmas is special like that. Appreciate and spend time with your loved ones as you don't know what next Christmas will bring.

Well, all these goodbyes are in the spirit of Auld Lang Syne and it's an appropriate way to begin a new year. Here's to 2015 and to last goodbyes.

Jersey Boys: Silence is not Golden in this case

I don't usually do this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, especially with film reviews as they're highly subjective. However when someone is incorrect, they're incorrect and I can prove it. Swearin' to God. I need to right a wrong, a wrong that is very close to my heart.

I've been a film reviewer so I kind of know what I'm talking about. I have done film reviews for my University newspaper, the Cambridge Film Festival (including interviewing the most important film director in Albania, but that's another excruciating story), websites such as Local Secrets and on community radio (Bums on Seats for Cambridge 105). I only gave up as it started to ruin my enjoyment of not just going to the cinema, but of watching films in general. I'm working my way back to it. Now I only go to the cinema when it warrants it, for valid 3D films, big tent pole releases and for films I just can't wait to see. Jersey Boys was an instance of the latter.

Jersey Boys

Jersey Boys is the story of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. I grew up on their music. My ears adored their music right from the first note. I used to sit as a child in front of my parents' stereo, cross-legged on the floor, wearing huge oversized bucket headphones that I had to hold to my ears as they were far too big, lost to the world. The dawn could go away for all I would care. I sat there for hours! Frankie's glorious voice washing over me, Nick Massi's bass voice making me laugh, the tunes sweeping me away and the lyrics, oh the lyrics. This music is the music of my childhood and I'd have "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" as my wedding song.

With this in mind, if there were anything wrong with the film, I'd be the first to pick up on it, with the music, the acting, the characterisation, the story and the singing, particularly the singing. I'm not the sort to blindly love anything. The sun ain't gonna shine on everything about anything. I saw the stage musical four years ago, on an icy December evening. Oh, what a night that was. So I'm in a good position, possibly a better position than most reviewers, to review Jersey Boys than any. Plus I wasn't feeling well and I've been waiting for this films for years, since the doorman at the Prince Edward Theatre mentioned that Martin Scorsese was in line to direct. So I was less inclined to be patient with any shortcomings, but in the perfect way that seems to happen when you're not feeling your best, you fall for something, someone hard. Jersey Boys is not perfect, nothing ever is, but it's still wonderful, a fact that the critics seem to have missed.

The London cast I saw

First to the downsides. In my opinion, the stage musical did a better job of making Tommy DeVito sympathetic, which is unusual as the film had more time and he was played by the only real film/TV actor in the quartet: Vincent Piazza. It might've been helped by the fact that the marvellous Jon Boydon played Tommy when I saw it on stage. Here he is with me looking like a silver star.

Me meeting Jon Boydon

The rest of the cast were great, including the only star Christopher Walken who is a self-confessed Frankie Valli fan and was clearly loving it. On stage, Tommy may have been the stand-out, on screen it was Erich Bergen as Bob Gaudio. He is someone to watch. Let's hang on to him. That is to take nothing away from the Frankies: Ryan Molloy on stage and John Lloyd Young on screen. The latter has been on Glee and has certainly graduated from that. They were nothing if not professional.

In the stage musical, after *SPOILER* Frankie's daughter dies, they used the beautiful song "Fallen Angel" which perfectly describes the emotion of the moment. However the film reprised the song Frankie sang to his daughter to get her to sleep. It made narrative sense, but I missed the inclusion of the song. "Rag Doll" only got a brief mention as well.

Lastly, there was no cameo for Oscar-winning actor Joe Pesci who as a young man was Tommy's dogsbody and introduced them to Bob Gaudio, who became their main songwriter. Ironically in later life, Tommy worked for Pesci in Las Vegas. He has a part in the film though. If Scorsese had made Jersey Boys, I expect Pesci would've got a bigger part and a definite cameo!

Joe Pesci with The Four Seasons

The reason why I'm writing this post is because of the majority of reviews, special mention goes to the exception the LA Times, mainly a BuzzFeed article from Alison Willmore (I have to name and shame her) and a two-star review from my beloved Times. Alison claims that Jersey Boys is a musical that doesn't care about music. This really got under my skin because on the contrary, the film and Eastwood obviously really care about the music. As Alison goes on to say, she wants a Mamma Mia style musical where the characters randomly burst into song for no reason, with big song and dance numbers. You want Mamma Mia? Well watch it again, or the soon-to-be-released Walking on Sunshine. This medley happens at the end in a glorious feel-good finale which harks back to the stage musical, reminiscent of a curtain call. But the point she misses about Jersey Boys is that it as much a biopic as a musical. Eastwood really cares about the music, grounding it in reality rather than trivialising it in the current trend of film musicals. The songs are naturally sung on stage, in the studio, impromptu on the street, down the phone to their producer and to the people in their lives. He puts the songs in context, sometimes giving you the story behind the lyrics; Jersey Boys is a biopic after all. The film and the musical aren't constructed around the songs, it is a biopic that includes their songs and is a musical in that sense. One of the most famous songs, "Sherry" is sung down a phone, but it is reprised later in a storming performance. The songs are woven into the narrative in a seamlessly intuitive way, not as an afterthought or a clumsy emotional bookmark.

Clint Eastwood with Frankie Valli

I for one am glad that they didn't go down the Grease angle, using it as a template. This would be entirely forgivable as Frankie Valli did sing the title track for the film. It could have been excruciating and that happy-go-lucky shallow feel doesn't lend itself to a story of the mob, fraud, betrayal, heartbreak, addiction and death. Jersey Boys is a true story of realistic people with real problems; nothing is manufactured.

One of the key problems as the critics see it is the narrative device of the characters speaking to the camera, narrating the film themselves, compounded by the fact that all but Tommy are stage actors taken direct from the stage musical. Rather than be a negative this actually becomes a positive. The stage actors know the material inside out, their parts are ingrained in them and they bring more naturalistic performances and addressing the audience adds much needed even laugh-out-loud humour (a Nick Massi ranting moment is a scene-stealer) and allows all the characters to have a voice rather than just the lead Frankie and the verbose Tommy. Gaudio's "Walk Like a Man" moment is quite brilliant.

Jersey Boys poster

For some reason, The Times reviewer Wendy Ide decides to criticise the singing, while admitting that John Lloyd Young, Tony award-winning on stage in the part of Frankie, is a "physical and vocal match" for Valli. Therefore criticising his voice makes no sense and belies the fact that she doesn't like the music. This is fair enough, but if you admit that the singing is spot on and you still don't like it, then don't blame the film for it as it's clearly just personal taste! Okay, Young may be pitch and note perfect, but he doesn't have the edge, depth, texture, warmth and humour of Valli. Playing the real Valli over the credits didn't help matters, but he was good enough for me which says a lot. Reviewers do your research! None of them seem to realise that this music is influential, innovative and wait for it, legendary. At the finish, Frankie and the others are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, this should surely be a signifier as to how special their music has become.

The cast with Frankie Valli

I just want to get all Jersey on the lot of these so-called film critics and whup them, smack them upside their heads! Don't you worry about me, I won't. I feel I know not just Frankie Valli, The Four Seasons and the music better, which I didn't think possible, but New Jersey better. It seems Janet Evanovich in her Stephanie Plum books has it right. You can't help but love the tenacity, loyalty and ferocity. The things I didn't pick up from the stage musical, I understood when watching the film, such as why the songs on my parents' CD had a triangle or a circle next to them: it indicates which were Frankie Valli and which were the Four Seasons.

I just want to thank my parents for introducing me to the glorious music of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, which has lasted and will last a lifetime. Who loves you and will always love you for that and many things. I may go years without listening to the music, but I will instantly get a rush from hearing it and instinctively start singing along, word perfect; this music is embedded in my heart and the lyrics ingrained on my mind. It is indelible music. I got very emotional watching Jersey Boys, the songs touching something deep within me. I didn't cry because big girls don't cry, but I was close. I also want to thank my brothers for introducing me to indie music: blur and the like. I also want to forgive my friends for introducing me to the likes of Boyzone, who I'm still loyal to by the way.

You're ready now to watch Jersey Boys and I'm not going to start beggin' you to watch it, but you'd be missing out on a great experience and some great music and ain't that a shame.