Uninvited guest

Oh, hello Anxiety. Not content to stay in the background then. I could do without you today, or maybe that's why you're here; teaching your peers is way more nerve-wracking than students. You have company; a head cold is just being kept at bay, the stomach is flaring up and the vertigo is stronger than usual. Yet that's done me a favour as they're all cancelling each other, sapping your power. But my body is trolling me, that's what I call it when it seems to be attempting to sabotage my life. My monthly visitor has come early, bringing with it its troublesome attendants, the worst being emotional vulnerability. Hence, you again Anxiety.

You're getting easier to live with though. That's the right term; I can live with you Anxiety. Anxiety can be managed. You don't suffer from it, fight or battle it, but live with it. And I more than managed today. I coped. I didn't let you Anxiety stop me. You didn't stop me from having breakfast despite the nausea and stomach issues. I didn't let you make me smaller, hunch over; I stood with my head held high. I didn't let you take over, filling my brain with what ifs, thinking about what could go wrong, catastrophising (technical term) so I end up believing it will all go wrong. No panic attacks this time. I got through it and a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to say that.

You're uninvited and unnannounced Anxiety. Sometimes I leave the door ajar for you and receive your warning signs. But the door was firmly shut this time and you gave me no warning. So, while you're here Anxiety as an uninvited guest, you won't mind me ignoring you, but I will say goodbye when you go.

A daffodil for this Spring day

Holiday inspiration

Wales will always have a special place in my heart, as do most of the places we went to on holiday when I was a child: Cornwall, Tenerife and Scotland. My holiday didn't get off to the best of starts as I was ill when we went and had to have the last day before we left off work. I was feverish, which is good for the imagination and the first few days, I wrote something whenever I had the time. I've written a poem that has always eluded me, finally managing to describe what a panic attack feels like in a poem. I'm going to save it for the book though. I just want to share a few holiday moments here that have inspired me, either for the book, for other pieces or in terms of mental clarity.

Aberglasney house and gardens

The previous times we went to Wales were either in the Summer or the Autumn half term, this is the first time we've been in daffodil season and they were everywhere! I finally understand what Wordsworth meant when he described them as a golden host. They never fail to brighten any mood.

Blue morpho butterfly

There is nothing better than achieving something you have long strived to get, for me this holiday it was a photo of a blue morpho butterfly with its wings open. There was a butterfly house at the National Botanic Garden of Wales and one was very obliging. They're my favourite butterfly and epitomise the ephemeral in my eyes: delicate, beautiful, powerful, ethereal and all too fleeting. They also represent my state of mind!

Laugharne estuary

As I said in my previous post, Laugharne has a hold on me unlike any other place I've been to. Going back after 20 years, seeing a view we used to see every day was pure nostalgia and gave me a boost I will never forget. Other things I barely remember, but not that view; it's ingrained in my memory.

My parents outside Laugharne Castle

We finally made it inside Laugharne Castle, after the fourth time of trying! I took inspiration from one of the greats, Dylan Thomas, who stayed at the castle and famously made Laugharne his home. His deep connection with his sense of place strikes a deep chord.

A blurry photo of an otter at Laugharne Castle

A day after I bought a cuddly otter at the National Botanic Garden of Wales; I picked it up and just couldn't put it down again; I saw a real live otter! I call it strange foresight. It's my first one in the wild and it was one of the highlights of my holiday.

Laugharne gravestone poem

Creative inspiration can be found in the weirdest of places, for instance a churchyard where I found this gravestone poetry. It sums up my feelings of revisiting Laugharne and how much of an impact it has had on me. I would love for my eternal resting place to have such a view.

The Mumbles causeway and lighthouse

Finally, spending time with my parents, having them all to myself, was a treasure. Even if we were silent, just sitting in each other's company, it was special. Going to a place my Mum had always wanted to go to, seeing another's pleasure, there is no greater inspiration, nor motivation.