The Truth About Birthdays

You should be happy on your birthday, that's what everyone tells you, it's what the cards tell you in any case. Just like you should be merry at Christmas. It's true, there is more opportunity to be happy when it's your birthday, with the presents, food, family and friends. But all the reasons why are designed to make me anxious; the expectation when you unwrap a gift, enforced activities and being the centre of attention are too much pressure. There's also the food. I have an uneasy relationship with food; I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and I am a picky eater, which makes menu decisions a lot easier! Luckily, this year, we had a takeaway at home as a treat, instead of going to a restaurant.

My favourite Beatrix Potter character in figurine form

No, birthdays are bittersweet. You think about who's not there to share it with you. My birthday is the same as my Dad's Mum who I don't remember, because I haven't seen her since I was one, her choice; she died relatively recently. My Mum's Mum, my beloved Granny, used to give me a Beatrix Potter figure every birthday. My family have continued the tradition. So I always think of those two ladies on my birthday every year. You think about birthdays past and what you've done in the last year, similar to New Year's. Obviously, you're happy you've made it through one more year in this world, but what have you done with it? Last year, I ticked something off my bucket list, visiting the Bronte's home: Haworth Parsonage. But I'm struggling to think of anything else of note since.

Haworth Parsonage

My nature is not inclined towards contentment. I'm always comparing myself to others, with myself. Contentment is lasting, happiness is momentary. For my birthday this year, it has been about living vicariously through others. I spent the actual day with my niece, taking her over the park and happiness was in witnessing hers, when she said "weeeeee" every time she went down the slide, somehow saying it differently each time. Happiness was in seeing how much she's developed since last I saw her. And happiness was in her sitting on my lap as I read her one of my favourite books at her age and her listening attentively. Children have a way of teaching you to live in the moment, just for a moment.

The next day, I watched a long-awaited film at the cinema, the third best escape after the ultimate reading a book and the second best watching a favourite TV series. It's been 19 films coming and I knew it would be bittersweet. Inside Out taught me that the brightest happiness comes hand-in-hand with sadness.

Me ready for the cinema: Loki dress, (Guardians of the) Galaxy leggings and Hulk socks

On the last day of my birthday long weekend, on the bank holiday, we carried on a growing tradition over the past few years of visiting a bluebell wood for my birthday. Bluebells are my favourite flower and they come out around my birthday, so it's perfect timing. Last year, it was Fountains Abbey. The first year, it was Waresley Wood. This year's wood wasn't the best, but it was where it hit me, why I love bluebells so much. It's not because bluebells, true English bluebells, not the Spanish literal usurpers, are actually purple; all blue flowers are actually purple to my eyes. It's not because they're melancholy, they way they hang down, unlike the Spanish whose bells are better balanced on either side. It's because they require solidity, security and stability; they only grow in older established woodland amidst long-lasting potentially ancient trees. I empathise with them as in order to grow, develop and bloom, I also need time, safety and strong foundations. I'm a real tree-hugger as it's a great way to feel grounded, essential for anyone with anxiety issues. Happiness for me is being part of nature. I like to feel something that was there before me and will be there after me. That's a good thing to remember on a birthday.

Bluebells

The emotional impact of the EU referendum

Brexit grief

There's been a lot of talk about the physical aspects of the referendum result, what it means politically, financially and nationally, but what does it mean to one person and their mental well-being? Everyone, leave and remain voters alike are worried. Some leave voters are regretting their decision and they have to live with the guilt. Some are staunchly stubborn, believing they made the right decision. They are the ones who voted on sentiment to the detriment of the facts. All the leave voters who are defending their decision, their reasons can be refuted now, through politicians backtracking or the realisation that what was promised isn't actually feasible, such as with immigration, apart from that is, those who voted for independence. You can't argue with patriotism, I know because I'm a patriot.

Grief

In the wake of the result, the five stages of grief by Kübler-Rosswere were doing the rounds amongst my echo chamber. It was very apt as I'm grieving; I'm in mourning for a world that's now gone. It may not feel like it at the time, but with a general election, nothing really changes if a new party gets in or if we get a new Prime Minister. The faces change, some policies change, but pretty much everything stays the same. If things do change such as privatisation of services, such as the loss of post offices and pubs, we have time to either fight it or get used to it. But with leaving the EU, though they said nothing much would happen for two years, it feels like our whole world has changed over night; I went to sleep in one world and woke up in a new one.

Charlie Brown

Of those 5 stages of grief, acceptance wasn't included. However I'm all of the other four, fluctuating between them which has been exhausting. I would like to stay in denial, no matter how deluded it is, as anger is destructive, bargaining is useless as we're all helpless now; our part is done; and depression is unhealthy to say the least. But I would also like to add one more to that model: anxiety.

I have written about it before: I have lived with anxiety for half my lifetime now. One of the main causes is the fear of uncertainty. Not knowing what's going to happen is a real problem for me. Anticipation is my worst enemy. Once that's over, I'm fine, for example when I have to speak publicly; once I'm speaking, I'm generally fine, but beforehand, I'm a wreck. So as you can imagine, having nationwide uncertainty is my worst nightmare. The only thing worse would be to have worldwide uncertainty such as when, around the time I was first suffering with anxiety, 9/11 happened; I'll save universal uncertainty for the sci-fi epics.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Denial

On Friday the 24th of June, I was in a state of shock, teary, angry and anxious. On Saturday, I refused to deal with it and buried myself in denial, distracting myself with TV and films all day. So when it came to going to bed, it hit me like a shockwave. A tidal wave of anxiety hit. The flood gates opened. Sorry about those metaphors, but it's no exaggeration, it's what happened. I had a sudden and total panic attack, the worst in months, years even. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30am, keeping my brother up for hours until I felt stable enough to be alone; I was in a very dark place, fearful that what happened in Bruges was going to happen again: days of panic attacks all day every day, not eating or sleeping. I didn't want to go through that again, put my loved ones through that again, not being able to work so putting my colleagues through it again. I didn't want to be a burden, so you can work out where my mind took me and why I didn't want to be on my own. I was fine the next day, though extremely tired, and I'm fine now, but who knows with the days, weeks and months ahead how I'll react to the as yet unknown developments.

I Voted RemaIN

Now, a week later (is it only a week? It feels much longer), I still find myself, when I let myself think about it, with tears in my eyes and emotion taking over; just those "I voted RemaIN" stickers and badges and signs can set me off. So I don't think about it. I'm not burying my head in the sand and hanging on to false hope, because that way lies disappointment and I don't think I can take any more disappointment. I'm struggling as it is. Acceptance would save me from no end of grief. But why should I submit when so much is still up in the air? Why should I accept a result that was based on lies? Why should we consent to something based on such a tiny minority that even Nigel Farage wouldn't accept, before he won?

Nigel Farage

Anger

Disclaimer: I'm not angry that we (meaning Remain) lost. I'm not angry that Leave won. I'm angry that we all lost. I'm angry that a campaign full of lies, of false promises that have all been rescinded or reconfigured, of emotional and sentimental manipulation has won. I'm angry that Farage is parading his smug superiority all over the place, offending the EU. I'm angry that Boris basically campaigned for something he doesn't believe in to become the Conservative leader and therefore the PM and now he realises it's a poisoned chalice and that he has no support he isn't going to run for it. His statements about where to go from here prove that he wants what the EU offers without being in the EU. I'm angry that the hatred, infighting and blame culture has continued and has bled into the general population. Most of all, I'm angry that Cameron called the referendum in the first place; it wasn't needed, we weren't qualified to decide, he was just palming the decision off on someone else, shirking his responsibility, just as he has by resigning, as he didn't want to make it himself and was placating the dissenters in his now starkly divided party. It's destroying the Labour party. It has done what the BNP and UKIP have always wanted. And Cameron has blood on his hands; if it wasn't for the referendum, Jo Cox would still be alive. That's where my head is at right now.

Jo Cox memorial

I thought I saw myself as British first, English second and European third. But my reaction has proven it's not so clear cut. We may still be part of Europe, but we'll no longer have any real say in what happens. We've gone from being one of the biggest players and the most powerful to not having any power at all. We'll be the wallflower of Europe, there but not there, or even worse, not invited to the party at all. I've always been very proud that our little island is so prominent in the world of politics, economics and culture, but that position has been rocked by what we have done. When you're part of a team, one that you've been a part of for many years, that has done good work, but you've realised isn't working like it should anymore, then you shouldn't just throw it all away, throw away that history and undo all that hard work. When you're an integral part of a team, you must know the effect your departure would have, not just on the team, but on you too. We're starting to realise that yes, we put a lot of time, money and effort into the EU, but what we put in was more than paid back. No one seemed to realise how many European funds, grants, rules and regulations benefited us. It's going to affect research, joint projects and industry standards. It'll affect science, universities, industry, the list is endless. The effects are unquantifiable.

Anger from Inside Out

Facts that either no one thought about, barely mentioned, buried, put their heads in the sand about or no one took any notice of: we'll all have to have new passports, we'll have to go through the much-longer non-EU queue in the airport, number plates will have to change, we'll need a border here in Calais, Scotland will leave, Gibraltar will leave and there will be trouble in Ireland. The promises made will not be kept just like with every other political campaign. No one thought anything would happen this quickly, ignoring the unsurprising immediate hit to our currency, losing the cost of the NHS for an entire year in mere hours. Areas of England are asking for independence, not least the capital. So the idiots who made protest votes, revenge votes to stick it to the government, naive votes citing ignorance, those blindly saying that this is only short term, that there will always have been difficult short-term impacts and we just need to hold out for the long-term benefits, don't realise that it will be too little too late.

Bargaining

Even if we can call a second referendum, even if the politicians ignore the vote and remain anyway, even if Scotland can declare the referendum unconstitutional, the damage has been done. We will never get the money lost back. People have lost jobs. Reputations have been destroyed. Cameron will always be the one who broke us and the EU up and potentially lost Scotland from the UK. We've lost the United Kingdom and made sure Britain can no longer be called Great. I blame Cameron totally for this. He made us make a decision he didn't want us to make, but the nation didn't decide the way he expected us to. He was a coward and a coward again for resigning. That is why we should never have had this referendum in the first place; we weren't qualified to make this decision. We not only have a lack of knowledge and understanding, but we can't be objective. Take away all the supposed facts, contradictions, confusion, manipulation and downright lies, it was sentiment, pure and simple that caused this. It is criminal as votes were stolen.

Pleading kitten

The worst thing though is that foreigners who have chosen us as their home, second generation and third generation immigrants, anyone who even vaguely looks like they aren't British have become a target for abuse. The campaign and the result have shown that the (tiniest) majority of this country are self-centred and selfish, voting for the independence of our nation from the EU, not because we were being dominated or forced to do things against our will, but because we didn't want to be part of something bigger than ourselves anymore, that we're turning our backs on people that need our help, because we've chosen the lazy cowardly option, instead of standing up for ourselves and others and try to change the EU, we've simply left it and walked away and it's going to tear it apart. Instead of fixing something, we've consigned it as rubbish. We could never have walked away quietly. It was always going to have a worldwide impact. We fixated on ourselves, as a country and as individual people. We didn't know or care or want to think about what impact it would have on anyone else.

Disgust from Inside Out

It's allowed people to express their xenophobic and racist views as they feel they have been validated and legitimised now, racial abuse and hate crimes have increased since the referendum. It temporarily made me lose my faith in humanity, something that has been unshakeable up until now. Some people voted leave in the erroneous belief that all the immigrants will now have to leave, others because they were mislead by the leave campaign that we will be able to change our immigration policy. We can, but it means we'll probably have to leave the single market. The EU have said so as we can't pick and choose. We can't have the best of both worlds. So to reduce immigration, we'd have to suffer increased prices on products, which I doubt most people want and would be far more impactful than immigration to our daily lives.

There are areas which voted for leave the most that will be among the most negatively affected, economically and regulatory, by leaving the EU. It's a hideously broad generalisation, but one that is being reported in the media a lot, that the richer areas voted the most to remain and the poorer areas the most to leave, but with the inevitable economic uncertainty and highly potential recession, they will be hit the hardest by leaving the EU. Why did no one think of all this when they voted? In the same way, the stats show more young people voted to remain and more older people to leave. It's the young people who will have to live with this.

Sadness from Inside Out

Depression

I live in a bubble, a bubble of librarians who practically all feel the same way as me. I work in a university, which feels the same way as me. I work in a business school, which as a whole feels the same way as me. Having like-minded people around me has been a huge comfort to me. However it all feels false now. At parties, at work and at school, we all gravitate towards people we know, they introduce us to people they know and the cycle continues. Unless you make a conscious effort, in real life or on social media, you will talk to people who think and live like you. I am no longer in a bubble; it has been popped by those who voted leave. That bubble has been shielding me and even if I try and recreate it, there would be no point. I have seen and heard what's on the outside and I can no longer go back. I think you could say a small part of me is having an existential crisis.

Bubble burst

The emotional impact is not about the fact we're leaving the EU, it's more complicated than that. I've lost my home; I've lost the people I thought I was sharing this home with. I'll never look at other people the same way again, thinking did they vote leave and if so, why? It was an Auden "stop all the clocks" grief moment; how can you be walking around like nothing has happened, laughing and talking? Everything else seemed superfluous. Every conversation I have had since seems to lead back to the referendum, whether it's about Game of Thrones, Gilmore Girls or what we're having for dinner. If we had referendumitis before the vote, what do we have now? I have thought, like many people, about leaving, moving to Scotland like many Americans have threatened to move to Canada if Trump becomes President. But this is my home, though it doesn't feel like it anymore. There's no longer solid ground beneath my feet and everything's uncertain. Our world is changing, I woke up to a new world last Friday and it seems to be changing every day. The emotions I've been feeling are not because of the referendum, but what the referendum has revealed. The loss I'm feeling, it's the loss of a nation I thought I knew, but clearly didn't know at all.

Proud to be a Geek: Inside Out review

In another life, I was a film reviewer. I started when I was at university, writing for the Anglia Ruskin student newspaper. That was fun and helped me find my voice. Then I worked for the Cambridge Film Festival; I did some reviews and interviewed the most important film director in Albania (at the time, maybe still) for the festival daily: Kujtim Çashku. That's a story in itself as the venue changed right at the last minute and I ended up interviewing him, along with his wife, his protégé and his wife in the Arts Picturehouse bar! I also got to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 all by myself in one of the screens, which was brilliant but weird. I wrote reviews for an independent film reviewer's website, for Local Secrets and via my Flixster account. You can still read my Local Secrets reviews as they're still on the website. I have gathered them together via MultiURL. Finally I reviewed on a radio show: 209radio which became Cambridge 105; the Bums on Seats team is still going strong, headed up by Toby Miller who occasionally hosts the film quiz at Cambridge Arts Picturehouse; it's on every first Monday of the month.

Miss Potter review

As much as I love films, reviewing them made me lose the enjoyment of watching them and having to go to the cinema to see films I didn't necessarily want to see started to grate. Plus I always took it personally when people didn't like my reviews and reviewers have more power than they know: the power to influence whether someone goes to see a film or not. People can forget that film critics are people with opinions and that's all a review is, one person's opinion. That's why I try to include facts in my reviews, to make my writing less subjective, like with the Miss Potter one above. I think the final straw was Superhero Movie. I no longer go to the cinema unless it's for a film I really want to see, which is only a few times each year, rather than at least 3 times a month. I still blame Bums on Seats for getting me into Twilight, though reading the books, practically devouring them in one sitting, made me disgusted with it. But I learned a lot reviewing, especially on the radio show, and my life is more insular now as I'm not seeing films I might otherwise have passed by; the films I watch are much less broad now. The reviewing did wonders for my confidence, my writing and for my world view.

My fictional library website

My film geekery lead me to take film studies modules at university; I wrote a piece on the trend for making sequels that is as true today as it was when I wrote it. I created a website for my Librarianship degree for a fictional geeky library. It's still up and running! I called it the Abrams' Library after the creator of my favourite TV series Alias, who's done rather well for himself since and proved his geek credentials by directing both the new Star Trek films and the new Star Wars. And my Pinterest page is pretty much taken up by my love of films, TV and books.

My Pinterest page

So it takes a special film to make me want to review it, a film that really means something to me. Jersey Boys was the first in many years and Inside Out is the next film and surely won't be the last.

I must admit, I'm an out and out Disney fan and by extension a Pixar fan. I grew up with Disney; I have only just finished converting my Disney VHS collection to DVD, having received a Disney film each Christmas as a kid from one of my aunties. However this is going to be an objective review, not biased by sentiment. However Disney and Pixar have always been at the top of the animation game, really only rivalled by Studio Ghibli in terms of quality and quantity. Their output has relatively recently veered away from the princesses and fairytales, Brave being a notable exception but Merida is not your typical Disney princess. Toy Story may have started it all, through talking animals, monsters, superheroes and cars. However it was with the space saga Wall-E, a tale of two robots and with an environmental lesson as its theme, that the animation studio started to do something different. It continued with the left of field Up with an old man as its central character. But even by these standards, Inside Out is different.

The Numskulls. Credit: The Beano

When I first heard about it, I was intrigued. I loved the idea of a film which personified emotions and showed the workings of the mind. The premise of human-like creatures controlling us inside our bodies reminded me of The Numskulls, comic characters that feature in The Beano. But where The Numskulls control us physically, Inside Out concentrates on how emotions control us and how the mind works. So even if they did take The Numskulls as inspiration, though The Numskulls writers have said it bares a mere passing resemblance and suggested so in a special cartoon (shown above), they have done something completely different with the idea.

Inside Out may be a kid's film and a Disney Pixar one at that, but there is so much going on, so many references and you can take it on so many levels, I could write an essay on this film. I expect university students will write theses on it in years to come. But I won't, I just want to say why it made such an impression on me. And now it's out on DVD and I've seen it for a second time, I thought it was the right moment.

Inside Out

As with all Disney and Pixar films, Inside Out is for people of all ages, from the youngest, to the eldest. Everyone will see something different in it. But a child could watch it year on year and get something new out of it as they get older; it shows how we change as we grow up. I hope they don't do a sequel with Riley as a teenager, though the short that's on the DVD is great.

The film has a very slight plot and is essentially about how moving house affects a young girl: Riley. Inside Out shows how the five main emotions that rule her head determine her actions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. When Joy and Sadness are accidentally ejected from Riley's control room along with the core memories that define her personality, they go on a journey through her mind to return to save Riley from being overtaken by her fear, anger and disgust.

Imagination Land

For children, a lot of the film will go over their heads, but they'll love the vibrant colours, Bing Bong and the other characters. For older kids though, it will help them understand how emotions work, control you and how they act together. It helped me and I've done a lot of self-analysis over the years! Inside Out has been adopted by mental health experts, sufferers and charities as a way to explain mental illness. It has helped children to understand their mental problems and parents to explain to their children theirs. This is a brilliant thing. The film was created as a way for the writers to explore the changes their children were going through to become teenagers. I think it was such a hit because Americans loved it as they're used to therapy, for our less self-analytical nation it has impact, but in a more subtle way.

Inside Out is really inventive and detailed, showing you the train of thought, imagination, long-term memory and even abstract thought, excelling at showing you how memories can change, how by remembering things later in life it can colour the memory, particularly with sadness; nostalgia literally means homecoming pain or ache. Memories are really what this film is all about. What happens to our memories as we get older. The story of Bing Bong, the childhood imaginary friend is heartbreaking.

Bing Bong

I think it hit me hard thanks to my years of anxiety and I wish they had showed less of Joy and Sadness and more of the others, especially Fear. The only other way they could have improved it is by doing more of what they showed during the credits and during the stand-out scene at the dinner table, inside others' heads and not just Riley's. But the bittersweet ending is wonderful.

Basically, I urge everyone to see it and you'll probably get something different out of it to me!