Back to Normality?

This blog post has been many months in the making, so warning, it is rather long. It's worth a browse at least, especially with wonderful videos from Travis and of The Princess Bride, and a few pretty photos taken by me. So far, so normal for me and my blog posts. I initially called this post Back to Normality, but I added the question mark as I don't think anything will ever be truly normal again. It's not the 'world is coming to an end' apocalyptic anxiety-fueled feeling I had at the beginning of lockdown, but a more realistic view that attitudes will have changed forever because of what we've been through. I'm faced with some normality in going back to work next week and I'm both fearing and relishing the prospect. I have been back, briefly, once for some filming and it was surreal, but nice. My body didn't like it though as I got all sorts of aches and pains, including in my wrist, pelvis and butt. I blamed the bicycle at first of course! When you cycle twice a day, 5 days a week, for 7 miles every day, your body gets used it. It has definitely regressed these past 6 months. 6 months! Otherwise, I've been working all through lockdown from home, which I've never wanted to do, mainly because I knew I would enjoy it. I have social anxiety and I'm practically a hermit as it is, only seeing close family on a regular basis. So work interaction is the only thing that stops me from not having a social life altogether and I'm afraid of how much I've regressed in that sense too. But being at work will build that back up with no pressure. 

Screenshot of the filming

Filming at MMLL

Anxiety has been preparing me for the worst for 20 years, with what ifs and thought spirals, so the pandemic hasn't hit me as hard as others in some ways. However concerns about how the virus would impact me, my family and loved ones have caused a lot of anxiety and one of the things that has helped is living in the moment, escapism and writing this blog post. I've been dipping into it every once in a while over the lockdown period and writing it as if lockdown had ended worked. Lockdown has been relatively easy for me, with no one close to me catching it, no one losing their job and no one being furloughed. It has actually limited my anxiety and I'm worried how much it's going to come back when I return to the world properly. But with everything uncertain about whether there will be another lockdown and a resurgence of the virus, I know the anxiety will always be with me. Uncertainty over the return caused some weird anxiety dreams that left me unsettled, but they disappeared once I knew what was happening. Now though, with the increased restrictions and the threat of a second wave just as term starts and I'm going back in to work, I'm not sleeping as well. Last night, I tried all my usual methods of getting back to sleep; I usually wake once in the night between 2-4am, but go straight back to sleep. I resorted to an unorthodox method of doing a puzzle from the puzzle book I keep by the side of my bed, which I dip into every now and again if I'm feeling jittery and it calms the spiralling thoughts in my head down, probably by focusing my mind. I had so many at 2am this morning and the puzzle worked. I'm glad my anxiety disorder is manifesting in tears and dreams and disrupted sleep rather than panic attacks. At this rate, I may have to break into my magic painting book; I loved them as a child and it's a great productive, mindful nostalgia hit.

Forget colouring books!

Lockdown for me started in quite a dramatic fashion. I was due to go on holiday to Costa Rica, where my oldest brother and his family live at the moment, the Wednesday before lockdown. We were determined to still go on holiday as there were no restrictions then, despite the fears of catching the virus in the airport and on the plane. But the day before we were due to leave, the border closed. Our flight still went ahead for repatriation purposes, so we initially received no refund, even though it was effectively cancelled for us; apparently we could still have got on the plane, but we couldn’t get off it. Thousands of pounds just for two 11 hour flights and no holiday? We then got a voucher which would have locked up the money until hopefully the world got back to normal, or we could at least fly again, but it was only valid for 12 months… Finally, after a battle involving numerous telephone calls and emails, with the airline admitting a mistake and a very helpful customer service person working from home on our side, we got our money back. We got all our money back from the holiday in the end from car hire to accommodation, but it took months. We were incredibly lucky as many people are still waiting for their money, especially from BA.

A hummingbird in Costa Rica

After that and still to this day, it's been difficult not to think about where we’d have been if the holiday had gone ahead and if we'll ever get back there. But everyone has been thinking the same, what would they have been doing if the restrictions weren’t in place, plus the holiday would have been so different with restaurants shut, places closed and beaches forbidden. The border has only just starting opening there again, unlike here where it never really closed. There is a comfort in that we're all in this together. The heartbreak for me is that the holiday had been two years in the planning and it was difficult to undo all the preparations. We were visiting family and we have piles of stuff we were going to take out to them that they couldn’t get out there, plus presents as we didn’t see them for Christmas or birthdays. I had last-minute appointments at the dentist's and with my doctor, I got my medication early, stockpiled contact lenses as I wouldn’t have had enough, renewed my passport early, bought new clothes, wore clothes I didn’t want to take on holiday, got a haircut, bought toiletries to make sure I had enough, made packing lists and all were totally unnecessary and were constant reminders of what was not to be. However they came in useful when the country went into lockdown, closing dentists so my tooth pain would have caused me anxiety all through lockdown, hairdressers, making things more scarce in shops and every time you stepped into a shop or doctor's you were at risk, we still are.

A Costa Rican sloth

When I knew the holiday wasn't going ahead, I still had to go to work, but when I found my bike had a puncture and our attempts of fixing it took too long, I phoned work and they told me not to come in as I was on half day anyway, taken so I could pack and prepare for the holiday. That's when I broke down in tears, which were good because it meant I wasn't having a panic attack! All the usual anxiety about going on holiday and flying on a plane, plus the anxiety over the virus came to a head; it was a cathartic release. I called my parents as I was afraid I wasn't going to see them again for weeks, maybe months. This made me cry harder. I had the day off sick, used the rest of the week as leave to sort things out, trying to cancel our holiday and then I started to work from home with everyone else on the Monday.

It took a while to settle, nights were the worst, they always are with my anxiety. I went to bed early each night to stave off the panic; it's better to wake up early with it, than have it interfere with my sleep. That said, I had no real panic attacks, just anxiety attacks and randomly my temperature shot up in the evening, which didn't help as we had no thermometer, all sold out, so I couldn't check if it was a Covid fever or not. I reckon it was anxiety or my endometriosis. In the end, we bought a baby kit just to get a thermometer. Luckily, one of my managers had given me some hand sanitiser before lockdown for our travels, so we had enough of that. After a period of not being able to eat very much, I improved after I realised I’d have to move in with my parents if I didn't get better so they could look after me, like they looked after me after my breakdown in 2013. My fears of passing the virus on to them actually helped me get my act together.

I couldn't have made it through this alone:
me and my brother in Costa Rica

At first, I avoided all news, getting my brother to tell me anything I needed to know; each time I caught something on the news or on an app, I could feel my anxiety rising. He has been a rock during this whole time, generally unflappable, and he worked from home for about 3 years, so he's an old hand at it. As I adjusted to the 'new normal', I felt strong enough to read or listen to the news myself and it became a regular lunchtime tradition watching Nicola Sturgeon's daily briefing; she was much more reassuring, assured and compassionate than the PM. Other things that helped get me through were Orkney Library's jigsaws, Only Connect style walls and webcams; I got my fix of the outside and more global world from zoo cams, the Salisbury cathedral peregrine falcon webcam, the Tresco island live cameras of the beach and gardens, as well as Arenal volcano in Costa Rica. We checked in with my parents every day to ease my mind and theirs after dinner, swapping news, sharing photos and doing quizzes and puzzles; I send them the Times polygon every day.

Early on, I got a weird cough that I couldn’t cough that sat on the top of my chest that meant I couldn’t breathe as easily. This was not good as it mimics anxiety attack symptoms, but it was not as bad as it could have been because it also means I’m used to living with these symptoms. Knowing that every cough, either my own, from someone close to me, or a stranger created paranoia, we kept in the house, but as it didn't fit the symptoms and we had no others, when it went away after a few days, with my brother having it after me, we didn't isolate.

The coaster on my desk, John Ruskin

If I was furloughed, I don't think I would have coped, or gone into a film and TV induced escapist coma. Luckily, I could work from home, but only after some computer woes, working on my brother's laptop while we sorted out a PC for me; my PC is Windows 7, so that was automatically out. Luckily, I was given a free Windows 10 PC when I was at Homerton. I tried to stick to my usual hours for familiarity's sake. Creating a routine was crucial; routines are a boon for anyone with anxiety. That said, I tried not to replicate my old routine at home as it would have been a mental health crutch. I used it as an opportunity to be more flexible, as much as you can be with restrictions in place, such as having different things for lunch rather than my usual sandwich. I still woke up at 6.30am every day despite not setting my alarm anymore, though that is when the heating comes on and the boiler is in my room, but it continued over the Summer too. I didn't do much with my extra hour in bed, I needed it to read the news and wake up properly, as without my morning commute to wake me up, it was difficult to get my brain cells moving in the mornings. Separation between work and home was also less easy. I wore comfortable clothes and no make-up, contact lenses or jewellery. When I had to switch between working for one library and the other, I would use my lunchtime to switch mindsets or have a quick break. I used my dressing gown as a way of telling my body I’ve finished work and watched an episode of something between work and having our dinner as a stop-gap. Creating a distinction between the weekend and weekdays, was not just getting up later and no work, I tried to do different tasks each day, but despite my best efforts, sometimes the days blurred.

I kept my same core hours of work, allowing myself more flexiblity in the mornings if I woke up feeling bad. Drinking enough was key, I was so used to drinking from my water bottle all day: instead of a litre water bottle on my desk, I had a small glass which forced me to get up regularly. Getting outside at least once a day helped me feel like I could breathe deeply, shallow breathing was common for me during those first few weeks, even if it was just the back garden: nature is the best soother. My home desk is next to the patio doors to the garden, so I had a lovely lookout and often watched the birds and next door's cats; after one cat downed a pigeon (it went to the vet and was never seen again), we convinced her to put bells on their collars. All was good after that. I did some gardening every day, usually picking up fallen apples and dead-heading roses, which is very satisfying and makes them last longer, we still have some growing even now! We also loved seeing our wild flowers and vegetables growing; our courgettes have been a great success.

Our rose bower

My brother and I developed a lunchtime routine, coordinating our lunch breaks so we could eat together, as far as meetings and workload allowed, and then going for a walk, our one allowed outing a day during the restricted times and sticking to it when restrictions eased. Pokemon Go gave us the impetus to explore our local area and we now have some lovely nature walks across fields and meadows. We saw Spring change into Summer and now Autumn. I miss the quiet roads and empty pavements, now I'm having to adjust to traffic noise again. Each trip out to the shops was atrocious, my anxiety rose and my vestibular system got knocked out. One time, I sat in the car while my brother loaded the shopping, staving off a panic attack. But I knew if I said anything, my parents would insist on doing their own shopping and worries about their health spurred me on. Sometimes we have felt like the parents when they have sneaked out to the shops instead of asking us to. We have considered grounding them! They are in the at risk category due to their age and health conditions, but not in the shielded category. They are definitely taking the pandemic less seriously than their children. Now, shopping trips are mildly aggravating, but I can't wear a mask. I wrote a blog post all about why.

A good thing happened during lockdown; I got so annoyed at the quizzes my brother's workplace was sending round, taken from The Sun or the Daily Mail, that I created my own for them. I themed each week, starting with IT as that's the field they work in, doing three quizzes of 30 questions a week, starting with a word round like anagrams, a general knowledge/trivia quiz and then a picture round each Friday. They loved it so much we were sent a box of chocolates, funded by their HR. But comments I received meant more, especially the one who said it was the only thing that got him through the day: that was early on in lockdown. This then lead to a few of the quizzes being sent round to my work colleagues as well. My favourite was my lockdown landmarks picture quiz, with photos of empty tourist sites around the world. This week is my last week as I won't be able to continue now I'm returning to my workplace, so I'm ending on a high with a music round: name the song from its intro.

My birthday cake

Regarding work, my colleagues have been brilliant, in both libraries in different ways, even sending me a birthday cake! In one library, we had a virtual team meeting every day and had lively discussions on Yammer and Teams, the other library was more hands off with meetings twice a week, which were less about work and more about socialising and checking in with each other. These meetings became fewer as we got into the Summer. There were social meetings for all librarians in our area, so I got to see different faces. I also had rants with my ex-colleagues over Facebook Messenger, mostly about their workplaces and world politics. I found Zoom and Teams meetings quite draining, especially with the larger numbers: one time there were 200 of us! It's when you feel everyone is looking at you, luckily most people turned their cameras off, it was only for the smaller meetings we could see each other. Plus, I find it stressful seeing myself. So I tried to take time out, do things away from the screen when I wasn't working, even if I did one chore a day, it was something. I also took holidays, two weeks at home watching the tennis and trying to be productive, and a recent holiday away to a cottage in the middle of a tiny village. I marked the cancelled events, watching the 2008 Wimbledon final between Nadal and Federer during Wimbledon fortnight, the Glastonbury programmes and the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony when that should have been on, which was the epitome of bittersweet as it made me proud all over again, but I also cried to see how much the word has changed with the referendum and such. Instead of all the video calls, virtual meetings and messaging, the best thing for my social side was embedding myself in the communal aspect of working remotely, mainly joint ventures such as; helping the ebooks team with requests and purchasing, which is still ongoing with my buying ebooks for other libraries, maintaining my knowledge and working in an area I have been involved in for years; deduplication of catalogue records, which has helped me improve my cataloguing skills; and most recently creating an introductory video to our libraries, teaching myself how to use new software. Learning new skills in such challenging times has been a real boon and showed me that I can do more than I realise.

Winnie the Pooh quote

I have tried to be kind to myself, not question or judge myself, just doing what I have to in order to get through. Everyone had grand plans of what they could do with the extra time on their hands. Me, I thought I could start putting together my book idea, but I found it hard even to read books at first, let alone write one. I was going to make good use of the last week before going back in to work, making porridge for breakfast instead of just having one of my Mum's flapjacks and a banana, but that didn't happen. Saying that though, I did listen to more music and took notice of all the things I've been grateful for working from home. Putting on a stone would normally get me down, but I know I will lose weight once I start cycling to work again. If it was watching children's programmes, reading chicklit or binge-watching television, whatever worked. Familiar shows like The Repair Shop, Merlin and my favourite ever TV series Alias, (which is now on Amazon Prime) have really helped. I'm very pleased The Great British Bake Off and Ghosts are back and the new All Creatures Great and Small is very welcome. Another great thing was the lockdown version of The Princess Bride, it was on Quibi, but you can find a taster on YouTube below. I didn't need music as much as I thought, I can't listen to it and work at the same time as I used to, only when doing tasks that don't require much brain power. But when I worked at the police station inputting data, I used to work with music playing all the time. When I played the playlist I made of music from that time, including Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs, How to Save a Life by Razorlight and Standing in the Way of Control by The Gossip, it reminded me of a time when I was stronger than I ever thought I could be, which was confidence boosting. It also helped to block out the kids playing in the garden next door, while also tapping into happy memories of when life was easier, fooling your brain for a while.

It was okay to let things slide; there’s no need to dress up or wear a bra, put in contact lenses, put on make-up or even wash your hair as regularly, unless you feel you need the mental boost or it’s good for the motivation. I did do more if I was video conferencing though; you have to be more aware of what’s on camera and I made sure what I wore was what I wanted people to see!

Compassion for others was something I let slide for a while, it usually comes naturally to me as I'm a highly sensitive empath and take on the feelings of others, but when I'm in anxiety mode, that disappears. Our neighbours, who flouted lockdown rules, having people from other households over, going out whenever they wanted and even hosting a birthday party in their back garden with many people round, were the subject of many rants. My poor brother also got nagged more than normal as minor irritations became major. Happily, that has improved, though I still nag my brother!

Finally, the essential thing that got me through lockdown, was owning any feelings I had:

1. Grief over lost holidays, missed celebrations and not seeing loved ones
2. Denial was necessary to be able to process everything, escapism through TV and films
3. Sadness that life has changed so much
4. Anger about how the situation unfolded and was handled
5. Bargaining, being flexible within the restrictions
6. Acceptance came as everyone adjusted to the new normal

Pride was the overarching feeling when I look back on it all; not just pride of the NHS, which moved me to tears on numerous occasions, with my very English polite clapping on a Thursday turning to saucepan banging; pride of key workers of which my sister-in-law is one as deputy head of a school; pride of friends and family and how they adjusted to it all; pride of my colleagues and how they carried on regardless; pride of my library community and all the services they have set up, how they have not just muddled through, but adapted; and pride of the University in which I work, world-leading in so many ways, but generous, compassionate and caring throughout, making sure the welfare of everyone is paramount, both mental and physical. There's also pride in myself, not letting my mental health degenerate of course, but also how I've coped with work, learning new skills, making new connections and letting things slide at times, because I have a tendency to say yes when I shouldn't. As a side note, with the lessons learned over the past 6 months, appreciating what you have and those around you more, getting back to nature, slowing down, there have been some professional lessons too: ebook provision coming to the forefront, better relationships and collaboration with faculty over reading lists, working together more with other libraries, accessibility for everyone, disabled or otherwise, being key, and putting mental health first, all of which I have been involved with for years and have been trying to improve. They've all happened at once! I hope the world has changed forever in these regards, and with uncertainty everywhere, we are going to need our families, friends and colleagues now more than ever. I look forward to the day I can hug my Mum again and get a bear hug from my Dad; my brother isn't the most tactile of people, so I haven't had a hug from anyone since March. I may have to stealth hug him if I get desperate!

Finally, on a niche note, I am proud of my favourite band Travis for all they've done to reach their fans during lockdown, including releasing several singles, acoustic versions of their new and older songs and an awesome video of their hit "A Ghost" which the lead singer Fran Healy drew himself and their latest "All Fall Down", showcasing Fran's artistic skills. I see it as a lullaby for adults.

Music therapy

I have brought music back into my life. I realised how little music I listen to, just as part of film and TV soundtracks and on long car journeys: the only time I listen to the radio. It was a big part of one of my old jobs and it was crucial there; working at a police station can be extremely stressful. We listened to the radio, all day every day. I have a playlist full of music from that time and after the annual Cambridge Librarians conference I created a new one, which you can see on Spotify.

It's one of the three new year resolutions I made; I know, I don't usually make them, but I find myself at a transition point in my life mentally and I needed to make some changes: music via some cordless headphones, health and fitness (the first part being out of my hands and in the doctors') and writing my book, which is going slowly. However this is helping as music is a big part of my book. I toyed with the idea of at the beginning of each chapter naming a song as a thematic device, but that became too unwieldy. So, using Scott Pilgrim as inspiration; the author listed the songs he listened to when he was writing the book at the end; I have created a playlist for the book, which I will put on Spotify if it gets published.

Scott Pilgrim

Music helps me emotionally, so I don't know how I've done without it for so long. However I know why; in-ear headphones affect my balance as it changes the pressure inside my ears. Over-ear headphones are fine, but the cord gets in the way, so I needed cordless headphones. They're the best Christmas present I've had for years as they have changed my life. Listening to music over lunch has improved my mood no end, especially as I've been tipping towards depression. It's been long overdue as it is quite common with anxiety sufferers, but now I have a handle on my anxiety, it has started to manifest. The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack has been helping. The conference was too much for 70s and 80s music to combat though. Big social occasions overwhelm me, on three fronts: mentally, physically and both together. The social anxiety of having to mingle and make conversations, alongside crowds of people putting me literally off balance due to my vestibular condition and all the noise, commotion and activity affecting my high sensitivity. So, just like with the Christmas party, mentioned in my Quiet book review post, I was grateful to have a job to focus on; because my workplace was hosting it, I helped make sure our library looked the best it could be, creating posters and plasma screen slides beforehand and displays on the day. When I felt overwhelmed, I had the excuse to pop back and check on things, plus my natural conscientiousness drove me to do that anyway! There, I could deal with fewer groups of people, showing them round. However, unlike the party, I had to focus and listen and take things in. I had to engage my brain, so I really had to manage my issues which was doubly exhausting.

After the conference, I had adrenalin overload, a consequence of the anxiety. I did pop my head in the pub afterwards, but when I cringed every time I said anything, imagining social fauxpas, I knew I had to go home. I was right, as it kicked in when I got in the door. So I had to slow things down. If I don't do anything, it could trigger a panic attack and the subsequent adrenalin comedown, both aren't pretty and make me feel awful. So keen to avoid that, I went home and listened to my wind down playlist as I call it. The One Show and Death in Paradise, cosy, good-hearted and mildly challenging TV helped too. There are few Cafe Del Mar type pieces of music as my chillout tunes need words and lyrics, otherwise I can't connect with it. Let me know your own wind down music. Books are the ultimate way to wind down for me though.

I won't include the full list of songs here as you can see, and hear, it on Spotify; I've called the playlist wind down obviously. Instead, here is some of the reasoning behind my song picks: blur as Damon Albarn's just-got-out-of-bed voice is soothing and has real meaning behind it, not the youthful exuberance of their earlier songs, excepting The Universal, but those from Think Tank; Travis, my favourite band would always make an appearance, their mellower later tracks are beautiful and Fran's lyrics and melodies speak to me like nothing else; Leftfield as I'm always lulled by their tunes; The Levellers' Elation is a song that sends me to another place; Moondance is one of my favourites of all-time and the version from the film August Rush reminds me of a great moment; Shakespear's Sister is a real nostalgia trip and Stay takes me back in time to listening to the radio on my way home from swimming, all sleepy and relaxed; Sit Down by James has some of my favourite lyrics which make me feel like I'm not alone; Vangelis is one of the best film composers and his music is so out of this world I'm not me anymore; there are songs that bring back memories from great films and TV like Disney which would always make it to any of my playlists, the dreamy The Life Aquatic, seductive performances in The Bronze on Buffy, the excellent Veronica Mars soundtrack and music from my favourite TV series Alias; Elbow's Mirrorball can send me to sleep in the best way; Into Dust by Mazzy Star is trance-like; some songs are self-explanatory just from their titles such as Moby's Down Slow, Will Young's Let It Go  and Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence, one of my favourite songs ever; some artists are just perfect for winding down to such as The Lighthouse Family's smooth tones; and finally Gotta Get Thru This was the soundtrack to my first panic attack-ridden months and was one of the things that literally got me through. I will be forever grateful to Daniel Bedingfield for bringing that song out when he did, so the acoustic version is my go-to to wind me down when nothing else will work.

There are songs I wanted to include, but were either too emotive like Sarah McLachlan, come from films or TV programmes that had too big an impact on me or were songs that remind me of a part of my life that isn't conducive to relaxation. The exception that proves the rule is the Star Trek: Voyager theme as it reminds me of early evenings when I was a kid, warm and snuggly after I'd had my bath. I hope you find some of these helpful, they mostly have a slow rhythm that mimics a relaxed heartbeat and none of them are melancholy, but hopeful and neutral.

Bonus: Here's a Travis song not on Spotify, a lovely Viennese Waltz style song all about me!

Thing 10 – Everything is open, nothing is set in stone

Everything is happening for me at the moment; I have a full-time job as an Information and Library Assistant at the Judge Business School, University of Cambridge, a job I've managed to keep for about two and a half years now, I’m learning to drive at last after years of putting it off and I’m about to start a distance-learning MSc in Information and Library Studies in September at Aberystwyth University. It has all fallen into place all of a sudden after coasting through life with nary a thought of the future. I thought I had all the time in the world, just "with the cares of the world" right in front of me instead of far behind. My boss finally encouraged me enough to give me the confidence to apply for the MSc and it has all happened so quickly. In researching where to do the course, I settled on Aberystwyth as it seemed to me to be the best, had a great set-up and many Cambridge librarians have gone there. It just so happens by complete coincidence that our summer holiday, which was booked over a year ago, was a mere 18 miles from where we were staying. I didn’t realise until afterwards! So I organised a visit, spent a long morning there getting my own private open day basically and I now feel a lot happier about the whole thing. I also fell in l
ove with Aberystwyth. But how did I get here? How come I'm studying again? How did I become a library assistant?

The short answer is I don’t know. But in trying to rationalise it, I will go through in chronological order, bear with me as it’ll all make sense in the end, it did to me anyway. I do tend to live in my own little world most of the time; for those of you interested it's like the world on the other side of the mirror in the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus where I can stumble upon anyone from people out of my past to fictional characters such as Sydney Bristow from Alias: dream-like, surreal, dark, technicolour and magical. I left full-time education five years ago, wow has it been five years? I graduated from Anglia Ruskin University with a BA in English; I adore reading, literature and books so it was the natural choice, plus it was my best subject. One of my teachers said I was like Matilda: long dark hair, painfully shy and always had my head in a book, yet hopefully with the same intelligence, imagination and spirit. I may have done English, but I also picked and chose modules in drama, film studies and creative writing, whatever interested me. I always tried to choose the juiciest fruit from the tree of knowledge and even those seemingly out of my reach. I fell off branches a few times trying to do just that, but least I tried; the bruises always fade and never leave lasting damage. I am a writer at heart and on top of everything e
lse I’m going to start writing the novel I have had in my head for many years now. I may have left it too late and it may be too much to take on alongside everything else, but committing yourself to something for a few years makes you realise all the things you have not yet done. My time management has never been the best and I'm an all or nothing type of person, so at the moment it's "all" but I've had months and months of "nothing"ness.

After leaving university, I didn’t have a clue what to do; I had vague ideas of journalism, publishing and even MI5! I blame Spooks. So I went to a temp agency and got a very interesting administrative job at the police station, contracted initially for a month as a data entry processor, but I progressed into various and diverse tasks for a few different departments, and finally lasted seven months as I proved too good to let go, that’s literally what they said. As proof, they couldn’t afford to keep me on any longer in that role, but they offered me another so they didn’t lose me. I got a lot of experience: work experience and life experience; if you want your eyes opened, work in a police station; but I couldn’t take the tension any longer. I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did without having a nervous breakdown. So I had to leave. Directly afterwards, I finished working for Heffers in their classical music shop, my first proper job and one I had for seven years. I still miss it.

I then applied for a job off my own back as a content editor for an online reservations company. We had a great team of people, which is what it was all about for me. From doing that job I discovered Watchmen, Veronica Mars, Freaks and Geeks, furthered my love of anime and made a fantastic group of friends. Thanks guys. I can’t remember if I left there or if I was let go, either way it was due to restructuring. I went briefly back to temp work, but quit because I got another job as maternity cover, after a long interviewing process; the final meeting was a presentation about the functional food industry. I was a research assistant for an offshoot of a development agency. I hated the job, not the actual work, just the place. So to rescue my sanity I left; it was either me or them and let's face it, it was not going to be them. I went after I was due to leave I might add because of the person I was covering's procrastination, which didn’t help things. A few more interviews came and went and then I saw the advert in the paper for my current post. I had always wanted to work for Cambridge University, an institution I have great admiration for and pride in; I'm Cambridge born and bred. That may be the reason why it jumped out at me, seemed to fit, made sense; I don’t know how to describe it except something clicked inside my head. I didn’t have the insight to analyse it further, but I applied for the job more in hope than anything and to my great surprise, I got it.

There does seem to have been some overarching master plan to my career progression so far, just not of my own making. All those previous jobs have been unconsciously preparing me for what I do now. Heffers gave me extensive customer service experience, cataloguing skills and till work. The administrative job is obvious: data entry, office experience, acquisitions, filing, word processing, the list is endless. Working with such a great team of people, the relationships I’ve developed and liaising with the different departments in the police station, civilians and police officers alike, have proved essential to what I do now. Working in a police station isn't actually that different to the world of academia, there are similarities between police officers and faculty; the former needs things urgently the latter wants things urgently... The content editing job is less obvious, but I learnt professional creative writing, web-based publishing, proofreading, accuracy, attention to detail, I even did some editing in foreign languages. I also got to go to the headquarters in Amsterdam which was brilliant. The research job, well, working in a business school requires excellent research skills and that job interview where I had to do the presentation is similar to what our students go through now. I was literally doing what our students do for their projects, coursework and so on. It was also my first experience of databases, introduction to the business world and I was basically paid to search the internet and read newspapers! I also got to play It’s a Knockout on one of the company away days, but that’s a whole other subject.

I have never hidden my love of libraries, I have always felt instantly at home in them, surrounded by books and knowledge; it's simply where I belong. So in reading this, you will now know I have never worked in a library before, apart from a brief stint at school, but I’ve been working towards librarianship without even knowing!

My story is actually pretty similar to Lottie Smith; here is her post via Adventures of a Librarian.

#cpd23 Thing 3 or why can't you just let me be me?

Right, please dismiss the words that follow as completely naive, but I've been moved to write about library branding after being inspired by all the fabulous blog posts I've read on the subject, such as those from Library Wanderer, Blog On and rampersandk. The same as the first two, when I google myself and check my online identity, there are millions of people with the same name as me as I also have a very common name, but it was mostly taken up with a certain wedding dress designer. Despite being intimidated; some of the posts made me feel like I was facing a 150mph serve from Andy Roddick, some were more subtle like a sliced Nadal backhand; I feel I have something to say on the matter. I am coming from an entirely different angle, I won't use another tennis reference, I promise. Wimbledon has finished now and I must let it go.

I work in a business school where branding is obviously very important and not only for our students, we even have a department trying to maintain a consistent image. This has its own problems. How can you have one brand for everyone, for an entire organisation with all its departments? So my trick is don't try and just be yourself. Here's Will Young, unashamedly being just that:

It has nothing to do with branding, it's just called Who Am I, is one of my favourite songs and a fantastic video. It's a song about being honest, unashamedly, unequivocally and uncompromisingly yourself. As I was a late developer in this sense, not developing my own identity until I was sixteen; before that I was just a sheep, a clueless sheep; I am now adamant that I won't be anything less than myself. Plus I am very impressionable and my sense of self is very shaky. For example, my boss was trying to convince me last week that my second favourite film of all time, The Princess Bride, doesn't even exist and I almost started to doubt my own mind!


A lot of people have been concentrating on themselves rather than their job or their organisation's brand and this is where it gets tricky. I find it very confusing if I think of myself in terms of my job when putting things out there in the public sphere; the lines can be so easily blurred. I have my own Twitter @judgesarah account and maintain our @JudgeInfo account too, we have our own site and I have a blog and I email as myself and as part of my job, that last one from the same address. The way I see it, as long as you aren't representing your organisation, you can be yourself. Whether it means I have different names for my Twitter, my blog, my facebook, is all for the better as you are catering your "brand" to the specific audiences. If you haven't seen it yet, here is a video of Phil Bradley's brilliant CILIP Wales speech comparing web 2.0 applications to the various incarnations of Doctor Who.



Twitter for me is predominantly my work image, though I can't help a few more personal things coming through, my blog is simply for anyone who cares to happen upon my random musings and facebook is now unfortunately all old school and uni friends. So it makes sense that they will all be different. You can't admit that your favourite TV series is Alias in a place where your colleagues or students will see it, actually... I would, but most wouldn't. That's why having students friend you on facebook, like one did to me very recently, is a contentious issue. Even I, who claims to be open and honest in all things, in writing this post, have realised that I unconsciously "brand" myself.

So I guess, you need to tread carefully when it comes to branding, consider your audience and the people that will see what you're writing or creating. The idea for this post came to me when I thought of Merlin; like the eponymous wizard, you need to think about what you reveal to whom. And yes, as all the people who've read my blog posts before will know, I did mean the title to rhyme so much. That's just me. I reference popular culture as much as I can, namedrop my favourite actors, films and music, litter posts about LibraryThing with Shakespeare quotes, use Travis songs for the titles of my posts and I rhyme whenever I can. And I have no plans to change, if only on here...

Turn

I wouldn't say I've done an about-turn; I still prefer to do things the old fashioned way: pen and paper as opposed to a computer, tangible CD rather than an ethereal mp3 file and face-to-face instead of phone, skype, email, IM or text. I sometimes feel like Alice in Wonderland with all this new technology, stumbling through a completely bizarre world that's like ours, but not quite right. All the advances are starting to make me feel small, but the power they give just blows everything out of proportion. To further the analogy, the Queen of Hearts is undoubtedly Steve Jobs, bringing out new innovations each year and cutting his opposition down to size at every turn. The Mad Hatter is Mark Zuckerberg, mastermind behind facebook, a genius who has lost his sense of self. Bill Gates is the White Rabbit, a minor character now but still doing a lot behind the scenes, and seemingly always rushing around, never having enough time. The Jabberwocky is a synecdoche for all the nefarious characters who exploit everything in their path: the hackers, the viruses and the spammers. Tweedledum and Tweedledee can represent Twitter, voices struggling to be heard in the sheer mass of communication, saying the same thing over and over, finishing people's sentences and trying to outdo each other. And the Cheshire Cat? All of us. Sending out every aspect of our personalities into the internet ether, until all that's left is a grinning facade. Still looking out for a caterpillar smoking a hookah though...However I must admit, some of the applications we've been looking at have turned my head, if not made me do a double-take. I had one of those the other day; a driver honked his horn at me and I wasn't even wearing anything special. I'm not one of those who takes offense at that kind of thing, but I wish the guy who did it was a bit younger, more attractive and not a white van driver. Here is what I was wearing, sorry about the blatant advertising on the bottle:

My friend Chris' little brother

Being of the right generation (and having a boss who is an advocate of web 2.0 helps), I was using quite a number of the applications already, along with others we haven't covered thanks to my technical wizard of a brother. He's recently got a smartphone and is having fun downloading the free apps. I must admit the GPS one is quite cool; I'm a fan of Google Earth and Street View as well, the supposed Big Brother; privacy issues are blown out of all proportion. I'm on Street View, several times, when looking from behind; I can't believe I missed the camera going past, though it looks like me and my Dad are unpacking the car after coming back from holiday:

Google Street View

The applications I already use are Zotero, facebook personally and professionally, Google Calendar for work timetables, wikis, Delicious - my colleague is well up on it, see their blog here: - Youtube and RSS feeds though I barely have anything to do with ours as it's automatic. I've started to use Doodle, but only because others are: the book club, other communities and colleagues for example. I created a Twitter account for Cam23 and have tried to update it daily, that reminds me... I'm not sure I'll carry it on if others abandon it, but a few friends I've made within the library community tweet, so maybe I will. I'll use LibraryThing for my books at home, but when I find the time. The only ones I know I won't use are LinkedIn as I think professional networking is more insalibrious than social networking (I prefer to make friends with someone I've actually met and genuinely like first and have someone want to help me, rather than contacting an avatar and using them for my own advancement), podcasts as I am disinclined to acquiesce to watching them and Slideshare as I prefer to create my own from scratch. I'm using Flickr more as the Google images set up has changed and it's a lot less user-friendly. iGoogle has been the most successful with me as I can see the weather forecast, the latest news and what's happening each day on our Google Calendar all in the same place. Nevertheless the best bits are the daily literary quote and Calvin and Hobbes cartoons. Here's today's for old time's sake:I can't believe that we've come to the end and I'm missing the closing ceremony; it clashes with my summer holiday. I love writing a blog post every week and I may even keep it up. There's our new library induction video for a start; filming began yesterday and carried on today. It's going surprisingly well and has ben a lot of fun, but can't say much more than that as we're sworn to secrecy. Check my Twitter account for more details @judgesarah. There's also the library blog which is going to usurp our written newsletter. I think the last word should go to Wordle, I adore the eclecticness of my tags:

Re-Offender

The word wiki always reminds me of that Will Smith song: Wild Wild West. The song is good, but the film is bad.



My experience of wikis is pretty extensive as I’ve used them in practically every job I’ve had, except for my paper round, retail jobs and when I processed cheques for a bank. My typing skills come from that job, but it felt like I was working in a stereotypical movie office with the cubicles, alienation and looking at the back of someone’s head all the time, only without Steve Carell, less people going berserk and no water cooler moments. We even had a David Brent-alike boss, a Mackenzie Crook weirdo and an office romance.

Anyway, each of my workplaces used wikis in different ways. I’m going to have to remember them chronologically, which may also highlight how the use of wikis progressed. When I first left university, I had a temporary job doing data entry at the police station. I managed to make myself indispensable which lead me to become an admin assistant. I helped out in all different departments, had my own paper round and everything. I also got to meet criminals, process stop and search forms, see the things they seize/save in the property office including the armoury, cycle and drugs store, experience the darker side of life and discover that policemen are only human which is actually quite scary, unsurprising and altered the way I looked at life. The wiki was used so we could all access the databases, update the website and share documents. It was one of the best jobs I've ever had; the people, the varied work and the atmosphere of the place was so gratifying. I had real job satisfaction, which I know I'll never have on the same level again. Cambridge 2000

My next position was as a content editor for a hotel reservations company. There was a wiki as part of the website, which included a content editing section and a customer review section. We used the former to publish our hotel descriptions, edit profiles and process change requests, sending the proposed text to each other and to the hotels themselves. The latter we used to translate customer reviews into different languages, alter mistakes, though never changing the score or text of the actual review, and deleting any obscene remarks. I could tell you some stories, not as dramatic as the ones from the police station though, but I'm sworn to secrecy.

Lastly, I was a researcher. Here's where I worked, a lovely location, but not a lovely job:

eddiemcfish

Now we didn’t use a wiki in that place, but we should’ve done as it would’ve made our jobs so much easier. It would’ve meant less work, less misunderstandings and a more efficient system. We received a lot of similar research requests and there wasn’t a search function in place showing what we’d already done; it meant hunting through folders which we often gave up on. There were also several requests from different people for the same project; the lack of communication was soul-destroying. A wiki would not only have meant less emails shooting around the office, but also have made it a more sociable and nicer environment. That’s one of the reasons why I left that place; there was a very intense sense of isolation, even within our small team, let alone the wider office. People even sent each other emails and instant messages, even when they were sitting next to each other. It really got to me and I felt like a deaf mute by the end! Idiotically, I changed jobs at the height of the financial crisis, I don't know how I got away with that; it could've gone horribly wrong.

That leads me to now. In our library, there is a wiki on our website; our internet portal where you can access our eBook library, electronic resources, book sale list, guides and tutorials, as well as lots of other information. The wiki ensures the whole team can update the website, add files and post announcements. The entire Judge Business School uses the platform and each course has its own website and therefore wiki. We are actually changing this platform soon to use Microsoft’s SharePoint software, thanks to a lot of hard work from our superb IT team, which means everything will be integrated, searchable and hopefully lead to better interdepartmental communication within the whole building. That last photo is mine

Flowers in the window

I feel very optimistic today and a Manic Street Preachers song is on my mp3 player, So Why So Sad, how ironic. It came on gradually, but it's built up so much that I now feel like dancing in the rain, going around hugging everyone and grinning so far from ear to ear, that I want to pass it on like Joker from Batman, without the fatal consequences of course. The main reason for my contentment is we've had stress management course today. I feel very relaxed, positive and in control. The Manic Street Preachers may be superb, especially You Stole the Sun from my Heart (I've hunted the song out on my mp3 player as the mere mention of it makes me want to listen to it), but the happiest song that always comes to my mind is Flowers in the Window by Travis. The story behind the writing of it is hilarious if not quite as happy; it features alcohol, drunk band members and a lonely Fran Healy. I'm thinking of it at the moment as I've just been on Youtube, enforced I might add by Cam23:



It may sum up my mood, act as shameless plugging for my favourite band and let me dwell on the 90's (again), but it also describes Youtube, look at the lyrics:

Wow look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day
And I'm glad you feel the same
Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million

Yes the single was actually released in 2003, but I'm trying not to be so pedantic; it's a symptom of stress for one and it's also just really annoying. The song lyrics are ironic when I think about them, because you are only one in a million on Youtube. All these people, all these videos, all these flowers in windows, it's overwhelming, but mostly overwhelmingly positive. These people simply want to connect. Although if you do become infamous because of it, like that poor lightsaber kid, it can be a curse as much as a promotional tool. Youtube is for watercoolers, a way of watching music videos, old comedy sketches and Jackass type antics. It's also a medium for indulging nostalgia, schadenfreude and fetishes. I've always been annoyed you can't download videos off of Youtube, but I've never had a blog I can embed them into before, this is brilliant!

Okay, this is why I don't go on Youtube. I clicked on a few of the Cam23 video links and then spent the next half an hour simply watching the suggestions that appear on the right-hand side. I barely watched the Lady Gaga video, was it intentionally that awful? Whose idea was that? And who thought to put it on Youtube? Americans have no shame. I found myself watching videos of Captain Kirk saying he should've been a librarian, Matthew Broderick singing a terrible librarian song and a Monty Python gorilla librarian sketch. The best one I found was the Cookie Monster in the library video, which someone's posted before. Sorry, I couldn't remember who.



I managed to refrain from delving into a Sesame Street nostalgia trip, somehow, even though I came across videos of my favourite character the Count. I managed to keep from looking up Muppets snippets as well, though I do have the Phenomenon video on my mp3 player.

Youtube may be separate from podcasts, but they are part of the same family; related but on the surface they seem to have totally different parents. Youtube is the equivalent of Bart Simpson, the "do what I feel like" kid: reckless, attention-seeking and brazen. Whereas podcasts are like Lisa Simpson: practical, informative and helpful with occasional moments of childishness. I am not speaking from experience as I have never watched or created a podcast, but I have been associated with them. The film magazines I avidly read advertise them; their writers always make them when they go to awards ceremonies, ComicCon and when they have something important to divulge. Podcasts are part of the Cambridge Film Festival, or they were when I did reviews for it, and I know my community radio station used to do them before they went bust as well. The station is back up and running now though, see. I'm afraid I refuse to use a Mac, iPods or iTunes or any Apple products on principle; I feel the same way about Apple as I do about facebook and Tesco. My views can be read here. There was a great recent episode of Futurama satirising web 2.0, Apple and the iPhone, or the eyephone as they called it:
I will definitely use Google docs, particularly when I do my presentation for TeachMeet. We've used it before at work for distributing timetables. I like the drawing function, but Paint is so much easier to use. I've just remembered, last Christmas, my brother set up a Google doc: a spreadsheet with each of our present lists on it. It was fantastic! We listed the things we wanted, their RRP, website links and everything. Then he added a column that was kept hidden where we put our names against the things that we wanted to get for each other so we didn't end up with two of the same thing. It worked really well and no one cheated and peeked, at least I didn't...

I've been very lax on the Calvin and Hobbes department and it's a particularly good one today.

More than us

I used to hate doing bibliographies when I was at university, mostly because I’m totally disorganised and had to hunt out the books I referenced again as I had inadvertently missed out an important piece of information. My university also deducted points if we didn’t use the correct citation style which I feel is a bit pedantic, but there you go. So I reckon students have it too easy now, using software that not only builds the list of references for you, but also converts it into whichever style you want. I have used Zotero before, but not for a while, and I’d forgotten how much easier it is to use than EndNote, thank goodness! Plus it’s free. I attended the Zotero training session that Andy talks about in his blog post and the student who led it was most convincing. It has a lot of good features including the sharing option which would be fantastic for reading lists. Also, every month our library has a journal club, it’s similar to a book club and we take an hour to discuss an article on an element of librarianship one of us has chosen. It ensures we stay involved in the library profession, get together as a team and keep up-to-date with new events, innovations and information. I’m getting better about speaking up as well now. So Zotero will help us build a library of relevant articles we can dip into. However EndNote is still better if a little more complicated; EndNote Web doesn't have all the features of the complete EndNote. I see it as a companion piece along with Zotero, something you can use when you don't have the full software, like having a snack when you don't have time for a meal. Photo by Matt [the esoteric introvert]

I promised Kirsty that I would write about how libraries can use social networking sites; I deliberately didn’t come to a conclusion in my facebook post as I feel that it is an intensely subjective issue and there will never be a universal opinion. We discussed exactly this issue in our most recent journals club, that’s why I’ve held off writing about it until now. We couldn’t come up with a definitive answer on how to use facebook, but we all agreed that students don’t want to be ’friends’ with their library and they certainly don’t want to be sociable with their librarians. Therefore I’ve chosen it as the web 2.0 tool I’m going to use for marketing. The main reason for this is that I don’t think you can use facebook in any other way. There are one or two exceptions though. I helped a student extensively with a project and he found me on facebook. I accepted his request, just to see what he’s about and found that he’d been up to the same tricks with everyone. Needless to say I quickly deleted him again. It felt as wrong for me as it would for most students. I didn’t want to see his holiday photos, or find out what he got up to at the weekend, nor was I interested in who his other ‘friends’ were. So instead of using it as a social platform, it should be another point of contact, just like the portal to our databases, our Twitter account and the main library page. On our facebook profile there are links to our information resources, photos and our library induction video which we’re excitingly refilming for the new influx of students, but most of our friends are other libraries and colleagues. We now combine our status updates with our tweets using Hootsuite. However the problem is maintenance; ‘stale’ profiles where there hasn’t been much activity for a while are quickly forgotten. It is difficult, as well as time-consuming, to sustain the freshness.
(By me) The only lake in Scotland, Lake of Menteith, Trossachs

More than us was the first Travis track to be played on Eastenders, that’s when they knew they’d made it. It also refers to the world of social networking; the tendency when using facebook is to make it all about yourself, despite the fact that you’re supposed to be socialising with people all over the world. However in the case of marketing, it is surely the whole point.

Driftwood

This is the one I was dreading, the social networking site. I see it as not so much a time-waster, but as a hungry ravager of time, a ruthless agent of procrastination and a depressing symbol of how we now socialise more virtually than we do literally. I am on facebook in spite of myself, and only because I ashamedly gave into peer pressure in the same way I gave in and got a mobile phone, a MySpace page and then a facebook page. Interestingly, Word just recognised MySpace and corrected the capitalisation, but it doesn’t like facebook and wants to separate it into two words... That said there are some nice touches such as setting the language to English (pirate) to make it less boring. If you haven’t done already, try it, it’s awesome; your profile becomes your cap’n’s log, your wall becomes your plank, events become grog fests, news becomes booty and friends become mateys and hearties. There are also some cool ideas such as when you decline someone’s friend request it sends them to the depths, searching is scouring and you don't delete you throw it overboard.

I started on MySpace, and I’m going to regret owning up to this, through a rumour that they were making a sequel/prequel/reimagining of Free Willy (a childhood favourite) with the late great Steve Irwin’s precocious daughter Bindi. I was looking through the forum on IMDb and found out that the star of the original films, Jason James Richter, has a MySpace page as he’s now a bit of a rock star. So wanting to check him out, I signed up. I don’t know what made me do it, but I sent him an email and we have kept up sporadic communication since, bonding over our love of philosophy, the Scottish band Travis and obviously films. Then somehow old school friends found me, which made me build a snazzy profile page and start doing all the quizzes and I was hooked. So when facebook started and everyone abandoned MySpace, I migrated over.

Well that’s my potted history, so onto the future of facebook, and I’m not talking about the film: The Social Network directed by David Fincher of all people and starring Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield (the new Spider-Man) and Justin Timberlake?! I’m talking about the future of facebook for me. As I said before I find it boring now, at first I searched out people, even doing positive things like confronting my old school bully of 8 years (distinctly unsatisfying as she hasn’t changed and gave me no “closure”), reconnecting with my old best friend of 8 years (wonderful as we put a lot of water under the bridge) and contacting an old crush who I fancied for also 8 years (he’s still as crushable as ever). What is it about that number? I joined groups such as “I judge you when you use poor grammar”, “I will go out of my way to step on a leaf that looks particularly crunchy”, “Firefly is better than Star Wars because sound cannot travel in space”, “Sydney Bristow would dominate Jack Bauer AND Chuck Norris” and old school networks. I also contributed to the “addicted to...” sites and forums set up by fans of my favourite films and TV series such as the much maligned, underappreciated and misapprehended Alias. I posted lots and lots and lots of photos. And then what?

I rarely go on facebook nowadays and I’m looking for an excuse to do so again. That’s why I’ve named this post after one of my favourite Travis songs, as I feel I’ve washed up on the shores of indifference and want to get back out on the open ocean of enthusiasm again. Not sure that metaphor worked, but you get my drift. :-) Plus it fits with the pirate theme I seem to have going on. We already have a library account with 153 “friends” where we post status updates when new books, tutorials and guides are published, as well as important news. I will look into other Cambridge libraries and the like once I’m on the Cambridge network; I was part of my old university network before. Alex Ristea

The one thing I despise about facebook, apart from the way it was created, its creator (loved that Cambridge trounced the Winklevoss twins in the 2010 boat race) and the way it’s become all dominant, pervasive and omnipresent (I don’t like Tesco for the same reasons), is once you’re on facebook, you’re on, there’s no way of deleting your account. It’s scary that facebook users are now so many that they have become akin to the third most populated country in the world. You also get sent emails if you don’t use it for ages or have hardly anything on there; my brother’s experienced this.

As for LinkedIn, one social networking site is enough. I can see if you were thinking of progressing professionally it would be useful, gathering contacts and the such like, it just isn’t for me. Plus I prefer to do that sort of thing in person. I have used the website before, in my previous job as a researcher for an offshoot of EEDA called East of England International; I had to find email addresses for contacts at companies, the marketing director for example, and I went on LinkedIn when I couldn’t find them on their official websites or on databases. I was doing the business development managers’ jobs for them basically. So it has its uses. I guess with social networking sites, you just have to utilise them productively, rather than poking people, playing games and peering into other peoples’ lives. It’s just so tempting though...