35 fictional boyfriends

It's my birthday and I'm 35. So I've written a special blog post for the occasion. My great loves in my life have always been from books, TV programmes and films. This has meant I have had many fictional boyfriends in my lifetime.

Fictional boyfriends have allowed me to get close to men when, in real life, my anxiety hasn't let me get close to anyone as my fight or flight kicks in for some reason; you can't run away from fictional boyfriends, throw up in front of them or simply not try due to literally paralysing fear. They have also given me the opportunity to date them when I watch them on TV, on the big screen or read about them. You can give up on them, but, true story, apart from panic attacks, I have never left the cinema, not seen a TV series to its end or not finished a book. To be perfectly honest, fictional boyfriends may be the reason I have never had a boyfriend; no one can live up to them!

So, if you know anyone who complements my anxiety-prone nature, who is witty, laidback and patient, loves books, TV and films; he'll have to be able to get all my references; has a bit of an edge, thinks deeply and will challenge me, set me up!

Disclaimer: This is the unashamed, non-guilty pleasure and unedited, while also edited a lot, list of all my fictional boyfriends past and present. They have all played a significant part in my fictional romantic life from an early, perhaps too early, age right up to now. Some were of their time, some came at the right time and some are timeless. I have tried not to be swayed by actors, although I did go through phases of liking certain people.

Jordan Catalano

Leon

I didn't include: Jared Leto's Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life (too much of a cipher, despite being sooo pretty); Burt Ward's Robin from the 60s Batman (one of my first TV crushes, but don't think it was romantic); Ross Poldark (I can't have two Aidan Turner characters, he leaves his love alone too often and he's even worse in the books); Henry Ian Cusick's Desmond from Lost (all of that cast is sullied by the final episode, but what a lovely Scottish accent and such a lovable character); Jean Reno's Leon from Leon/The Professional (despite being sweet, sensitive and able to look after himself, he does kill people); David Bowie's Goblin King Jareth from Labyrinth (too disturbing, but caused many a teenage awakening for an entire generation of boys and girls); the bad boys from The Breakfast Club (Judd Nelson's Bender), Rebel Without a Cause (James Dean's Jim Stark) and Eoin Macken's Gwaine from BBC's Merlin (too difficult to be around); the antiheros from A Discovery of Witches (it's only because of Matthew Goode's portrayal of Matthew Clairmont that I'm even mentioning him as he's sooo obsessive and controlling), House (Hugh Laurie, too petty and gloomy), The Mentalist (Simon Baker's Patrick Jane, too frivolous on the outside and dark on the inside), Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock (too selfish) and any of the superhero TV series (too dangerous and stressful to be with); Samurai Jack from the cartoon series (more respectful of him than anything else); and any sappy romcom guy like those from Ever After, Breakfast at Tiffany's or The Notebook (too perfect and unrealistic).

35. Heathcliff - Wuthering Heights: The guy you idealise and idolise without realising their true character. He used to be my fictional boyfriend when I was a teenager; he connected with me as Emily Bronte was writing exactly how I saw romance at the time. But as I grew older and obviously Emily didn't get to live that long, I realised she didn't have a chance to write about real love and I realised how Heathcliff and Cathy's love is unrealistic. He's like your boyfriend from school and while you now both want different things out of life, you can't let each other go due to your shared history. Never has a love soared so high and sunk so low, in the book and with me.

34. Rochester - Jane Eyre: The older man you want to notice you. It may be one of my favourite books of all time, but Rochester is awful. He's the man you love to hate. The man you wish you could give up, but you can't. You know he loves you for you, but that love is twisted, controlling and manipulative. He won't take no for an answer, lurking around you until you give in. It's only when Jane becomes more powerful than him, that they can be together. At least Charlotte understood love a bit more than her sister. My favourite portrayal is by Orson Welles, though everyone has brought something different to Rochester. Anne Bronte was the Bronte who wrote about love the best.

33. Rhett Butler - Gone With The Wind: The cheeky and confident man every girl loves and every boy wants to be. The book version and not Clark Gable's film version, obviously. He's not as bad in the book, but he's still pretty terrible. His only saving grace is his unconditional love for Scarlett, the way he challenges her, including laughing at her which is great, and how much he believes in her, even if he does reject her at the end, it's clear he still wants her. These types of men exert a magnetic pull all of their own, but it's more lust than love.

Colin Firth's Darrcy

32. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice: The brooding silent type you want to get to know. Best of a bad bunch following Heathcliff and Rochester. I guess it's controversial having him so low down the list as he's many people's ideal fictional romance. His brooding intensity, strong silent presence set the romantic archetype forever more. I wasn't immune, but he's like that guy who's not as great as he thinks he is, despite his money and influence.

31. Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie: The boy who never notices girls. Before I was attracted to boys, I was drawn to Peter Pan by reading the book. I loved his devil-may-care attitude and I never wanted to grow up, just like him, but with him!

30. Robin Hood - The Disney version: The leader of the pack who has a whole gang around him. I think this was one of my first fictional crushes and I think it might have been quite a few people's of my age. How can a cartoon fox be so attractive?! Maid Marian may have been the same for lovers of the fairer sex.

Hawkeye

29. Clint Barton/Hawkeye - The MCU films: The strong and stable type. I had to include a superhero as they are one of my film obsessions right now and I'm seeing the latest Avengers for my birthday. Clint is the most stable of them all and you can tell he's a great father, not just from the big reveal, but by how he treats Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch. Plus, Jeremy Renner is an underrated actor.

Oberyn

28. Oberyn Martell/The Viper - Game of Thrones: The coolest guy in school who always seems to have a different girl on his arm. His character in the books is so vibrant, confident and powerful, I was hooked and then when he was played by Pedro Pascal in the TV series, I was gone. He was true to himself, his proclivities and his passion. I wish I could be that uninhibited. However our relationship didn't last long, as he doesn't last long. But it was good while it lasted.

27. Legolas - The Lord of the Rings and Will Turner - The Pirates of the Caribbean films: The archetypal romantic hero. Alright, I had an Orlando Bloom period, but Will is straight out of an Errol Flynn film. He will do anything for love and who doesn't want that? For Legolas, clearly this was the film version and not Tolkien's, so it's all about Orlando Bloom's performance. He may be more interested in his friends than you, but he can turn his hand to anything.

26. Captain Jack Sparrow - The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: He wants you, he wants you not. Note that this is specifically about the Jack from the first film. I have a weird thing for amoral men, I must do. He would've been higher if Johnny Depp had not gone down in my estimation. He's the love you and leave you type, who'd return to you if he felt like it, but he's never around.

Kili

25. Kili - The Hobbit: The romantic. As there is no romantic subplot with a character that doesn't even exist in the books, this purely comes from Aidan Turner. For a dwarf, he's prone to frivolity, mischief and fun, plus he takes romance seriously. But this romance is doomed.

24. Dickon - The Secret Garden: He will always love something else more than you. After reading the book, Dickon was in my thoughts a lot. He loves animals and even has a medal named after him. My love for Dickon is pure and he will always have a special place in my heart.

Jesse

23. Jesse - Free Willy: The diamond in the rough. The film came out at the right time for me, okay? He may look like he's not worth the trouble, but all he needs is someone to take him under his wing. I still harbour an interest in Jason James Richter; years ago we were MySpace friends and bonded over the band Travis!

22. Laurie - Little Women: The literal boy next door. Always on the list of fictional boyfriends, but he's a slow grower. You won't realise you like him that way until suddenly it seems like you've always loved him. Give it time, there's always the money, playfulness and puppydog loyalty to tide you over in the meantime.

21. Jamie Fraser - Outlander series: Too good to be true, even for a fictional boyfriend. This is why he isn't higher up the list; he's a sensitive principled warrior, an oxymoron in itself, can look after himself and others, but is also tender and gentle. He's another who would do anything for love and family and puts his life on the line way too many times. I have a penchant for a Scottish accent, so Sam Heughan in the TV series is high up on my TV crush list.

Martin

20. Martin Blank - Grosse Pointe Blank: The drifter. The first entry for John Cusack and an assured fictional boyfriend as he's in one of my favourite films. He will frustrate you and turn you on in equal measure with his sarcasm, dark wit and ability to protect you come what may. But you never know whether he's going to stick around or not.

19. Jack Pearson - This Is Us: The ultimate archetype. Jack is too perfect: handsome, strong, funny, capable and loving and no matter how much they try to undo that with his closed-off-ness, perfectionism and stubbornness in later episodes, it's too late, he's the archetype of a father, husband, son and brother.

18. Geordi La Forge - Star Trek: The Next Generation: He will always be there for you. Maybe it's because he wore glasses, maybe because the actor LeVar Burton has the same surname as me or maybe it's because he's a smart, funny and loyal guy who's a great friend to someone different. I fell for Geordi at an impressionable age.

Killian

17. Hook/Killian Jones - Once Upon a Time: The bad boy turned good. The series may be over, but his loyalty saw him through to the end. He could've been so much less attractive, interesting and charismatic if it were not for Colin O'Donoghue, who forced them to make more of his character by the sheer power of his performance. He's a bad boy, selfish and flippant, but love will change him into a caring, mischievous and strong hero.

16. Jon Snow - Game of Thrones: Someone to rely on... He's one of the main characters in the programme and books and Kit Harington is Jon Snow; he makes me feel like a teenager again. I don't think he'd make the greatest of boyfriends as he's highly virtuous, ambitious and prone to getting into trouble, betrayed and even killed, but he'd make a brilliant friend when the relationship inevitably goes sideways.

15. Aladdin - The Disney version: Just give him a chance. The film came out at an impressionable moment. It didn't help that he was based on Michael J. Fox, one of my all-time crushes. He's handsome, sensitive, romantic, cheeky and offers freedom. What more could a girl ask for?

Henry

14. Henry Tilney - Northanger Abbey: You will need to make the first move. My favourite Jane Austen book and my favourite Jane Austen main man. He's a lovely guy, just not someone who would come out and tell you, loving you from afar. You'd catch him looking at you, but he will look away when you see him. He's worth the effort.

13. Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The antihero. Angel may be Buffy's paramour, but Spike is her truest love, even if it's unrequited. James Marsters wins over David Boreanaz any day. You can't change Spike, but if you spend enough time, he can change for you.

Logan Echolls

12. Logan Echolls - Veronica Mars: He will change for you. I'm team Logan all the way (Piz is soft) and he wins Veronica in the books and film. Jason Dohring was so good at being bad, they upped his part. But he isn't bad, he's misunderstood and acting out. He just needs someone to believe in him. Logan is the rare thing: a man you can change through sheer persistence.

11. Benny - Benny and Joon: You will make a good team. For those of you who haven't yet seen this film, you have to. Seriously. It's one of Johnny Depp's best performances. He's your equal in all things, a true partner, someone to consult about anything and you could live the rest of your life with.

Dean

10. Dean Winchester - Supernatural: He'd be your everything and you'd be everything to him. I know I should love Sam more as he's the intelligent one who reads books, is a good researcher and a sensitive soul; he'd make a great librarian. But it's Dean who I find the most attractive; you know he'd look after you, defend you and give great hugs, as well as be a fantastic father. If he has the time between hunting monsters and saving the world. It helps that Jensen Ackles, in fact the whole cast, are awesome people.

Jess

9. Jess Mariano - Gilmore Girls: A walking contradiction. I'm team Jess all the way: Dean is an idiot and Logan turns Rory into someone she's not. Jess loves books! He's a bit of a bad boy. He's a sensitive soul. He's so considerate, caring and compassionate. Milo Ventimiglia is easy on the eye. If only he could get his act together and stop wasting his talent. He makes you bite your lip when you see him and you know you shouldn't get involved, but you can't help yourself.

8. Lloyd Dobler - Say Anything: The friend who becomes something more. Okay, I have a small John Cusack preoccupation. However he plays toasted marshmallows so well: crusty on the outside and soft on the inside. He's the ideal boyfriend, your childhood sweetheart, your first love and only love, someone you could grow old with.

Benton and Dief

7. Benton Fraser - Due South: Too good for this world. He's the ideal man in many ways. He looks handsome in his mountie uniform, but when he puts on a leather jacket... Benton is so much more than man candy though. I love his intelligence, his kindness and his polite nature, but adore his innocence. Paul Gross gives him an edge.

Ten

6. The Tenth Doctor - Doctor Who: The stalwart presence. David Tennant is my Doctor. When you spend so much time with someone, even if they change on you, they will always be a big part of your life.

5. Beast - Disney's Beauty and the Beast: The one who will always put you before himself. He gave her a library!

4. Marty McFly - Back to the Future: The one who knows who he is. I had a huge crush on Michael J. Fox for a time, entirely based on this film. Now I just admire and respect him hugely. The love has developed. What I adore about him the most is the fact he is entirely his own person, accepts himself and his flaws and is unashamedly himself.

Westley

3. Westley/The Dread Pirates Roberts/The Man in Black - The Princess Bride: The fantasy. He is the same witty, sarcastic, confident, assured and prepared man all the way through the book and the film. You know he can put his hand to anything. He is intelligent, strong, skilful, learned and romantic. The book is wonderful, the film is peerless and Cary Elwes interpretation will always be my fictional boyfriend. Yet, I haven't put him at the top...

Michael Vartan

2. Michael Vaughn/SPOILER André Micheaux - Alias: The paramour. Michael Vartan's love interest is almost perfect, but he should have waited! He was always going to be on this list as he's in my favourite TV series of all time. However his courage, determination and ability to lapse into French at any time helped. Plus, he's supportive but gives you your freedom. He's romantic, but not in a soppy way. He's intelligent, loyal and couldn't do more for you. He's like the boy next door, who's your first unrequited love and you discover each other again later in life...

1. Gilbert Blythe - Anne of Green Gables series: The perfect fictional boyfriend. Gilbert develops from a idiotic boy into an incredible man, boyfriend and SPOILER husband, while never being perfect himself. You can grow up and grow old together, never growing apart. The fictional boyfriend that lasts the test of time.

Gilbert Blythe (Jonathan Crombie)

All shall fade: A Christmas holiday of farewells

Me and my nephews

Most things are ephemeral, everyone knows that. However it doesn't mean we're any the less sad when things come to an end. The knowledge that almost nothing ever lasts forever doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. Recently there have been several significant goodbyes for me. I really wished it could be Christmas every day this new year.

There are always goodbyes at Christmas. When family and friends get together, people that haven't seen each other for a while, especially in my case when some of the family live abroad, there will be hard goodbyes. Even though we had been on holiday together earlier in the year and the goodbye then was difficult and emotional, the goodbye at Christmas, actually on New Year's Eve, was worse. It should have been easier as they were back and forth visiting people and we didn't seen them as much as before. But you never get used to saying goodbye. It should never be a casual thing.

Christmas meal

Christmas always makes things seem more significant: it's the traditions, presents, decorations, family meals, but mostly the time off from everyday life. It may only be a few days in actual time, but in quality time, nothing beats Christmas; it makes everything seem deeper, more profound, loaded: heavy.

Back to the Future, good Christmas film and good use of the word "heavy"

As if saying goodbye to all that wasn't bad enough, what made it worse was seeing my nephews together, with two nieces on the way, two big meals with all 10 of us and a couple of evenings when it really felt like we were one big happy family again. It all made me look back in a nostalgic way. I can still remember being a little kid at big family gatherings, playing with my cousins, my aunts and uncles around. Now I'm one of those aunts. I never thought it would happen. I love being an Auntie, don't get me wrong, but I feel more like a kid than an auntie. I kept thinking of a song lyric: "If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all. And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before." Yes, but in a different role, or torn between two roles: a child and a grown-up.

I guess I just don't want anything to change. Yet it does anyway. Time marches on. Living is easy with eyes closed. So now, after sitting in the cinema last night, listening to Billy Boyd singing as the credits rolled, an era of my life came to an end. I know now how the Star Wars generation felt after Return of the Jedi, how they must have felt after Revenge of the Sith, except The Hobbit films were infinitely better and not a major disappointment. They also came nine years on and not 16 years on.

The moment that caused the panic attack

I know I lay greater significance on Lord of the Rings than it really deserves due to my emotional connection to it; it symbolises my progression after coming through mental illness as I had my worst panic attack while watching the Fellowship of the Ring in the cinema. The films came out during an impressionable time for me. I was seventeen, school had ended and my life was transforming around me, giving me independence, independence I couldn't handle; life was being forced upon me. It was all a great big scary adventure and I empathised with Frodo leaving his safe and comfortable existence and going out into the big dark world. Now the film series has come to an end, when I'm more secure. My life has changed radically from the first Lord of the Rings to the last Hobbit film. I believe I'm quite valid in mourning the end.

Boromir dies

It wasn't like after the last Lord of the Rings film; I was film savvy enough then to realise they would be making The Hobbit. But because of various rights battles, including between the movie studios New Line and MGM, Guillermo Del Toro bowing out and the time it takes to make a Tolkien/Peter Jackson masterpiece, it took longer than expected. But there was always the possibility.

Sitting in the cinema yesterday, it came upon me that this would almost definitely be the last time I would see a new Tolkien film in the cinema. Billy Boyd singing didn't help matters, bringing to mind THAT moment when he sang before, which inspired the title of this blog post and the soundtrack to Faramir's sacrificial charge. I cried in the cinema after Return of the King for Frodo when he sailed from the Grey Havens. I cried for the characters then. This time I cried for me. I cried for the end of an era. I cried for the film series I grew up alongside. I cried for the person I used to be and for the person I am today. I cried for the past. I cried for the future. I didn't weep. Tears were not even shed; I held them back, just. I wish I could have cried instead of crying inside. But I was in a public place and we had to get home. I just had a moment to myself, to mourn. The quality of the film itself ultimately didn't matter, though it was excellent, but like The Lord of the Rings, I preferred the more innocent first of the series; it was what it signified.

Lastly and least importantly, I lost a friend over Christmas: Miranda. Much has been said in criticism about this TV series and I would be the first to admit that the last ever episode wasn't the best. But I have stuck by her from the first hello, through the highs of the therapist episode right until her inevitable wedding. I empathised with all her social faux-pas, potent awkwardness and lack of confidence. In short, as with all Miranda's fans, I saw a lot of myself in her, especially in the struggle to be herself which it ultimately came down to. And despite the silliness, the unreality and flaws of the episode, it was seeing Miranda finally grow up a little, become more independent and gain some self-esteem that moved me. It was a lovely and lovingly crafted goodbye, with a nod to the viewers. So so long to Customer, Clive, Mike, Chris, Alison, the therapist, Charlie, Tilly, Penny, Stevie, Gary and Miranda. I for one will miss you.

Finally, to sum up, I'm turning to Doctor Who, which has been all shades of wrong recently, right from when Steven Moffat took over, especially in the way the latest Doctor is treating humanity; he used to see us as equals, sacrificing himself for Wilfred in the end; now he sees us as something to look down on, patronising and superior. Anyway, the Christmas episode got one thing right. Christmas should be treated like it's your last; a silent goodbye runs through the holiday, never spoken, until the last day of course. Christmas is special like that. Appreciate and spend time with your loved ones as you don't know what next Christmas will bring.

Well, all these goodbyes are in the spirit of Auld Lang Syne and it's an appropriate way to begin a new year. Here's to 2015 and to last goodbyes.