Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Proud to be a Geek: Inside Out review

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In another life, I was a film reviewer. I started when I was at university, writing for the Anglia Ruskin student newspaper. That was fun and helped me find my voice. Then I worked for the Cambridge Film Festival; I did some reviews and interviewed the most important film director in Albania (at the time, maybe still) for the festival daily: Kujtim Çashku. That's a story in itself as the venue changed right at the last minute and I ended up interviewing him, along with his wife, his protégé and his wife in the Arts Picturehouse bar! I also got to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 all by myself in one of the screens, which was brilliant but weird. I wrote reviews for an independent film reviewer's website, for Local Secrets and via my Flixster account. You can still read my Local Secrets reviews as they're still on the website. I have gathered them together via MultiURL. Finally I reviewed on a radio show: 209radio which became Cambridge 105; the Bums on Seats team is still going strong, headed up by Toby Miller who occasionally hosts the film quiz at Cambridge Arts Picturehouse; it's on every first Monday of the month.

Miss Potter review
As much as I love films, reviewing them made me lose the enjoyment of watching them and having to go to the cinema to see films I didn't necessarily want to see started to grate. Plus I always took it personally when people didn't like my reviews and reviewers have more power than they know: the power to influence whether someone goes to see a film or not. People can forget that film critics are people with opinions and that's all a review is, one person's opinion. That's why I try to include facts in my reviews, to make my writing less subjective, like with the Miss Potter one above. I think the final straw was Superhero Movie. I no longer go to the cinema unless it's for a film I really want to see, which is only a few times each year, rather than at least 3 times a month. I still blame Bums on Seats for getting me into Twilight, though reading the books, practically devouring them in one sitting, made me disgusted with it. But I learned a lot reviewing, especially on the radio show, and my life is more insular now as I'm not seeing films I might otherwise have passed by; the films I watch are much less broad now. The reviewing did wonders for my confidence, my writing and for my world view.

My fictional library website
My film geekery lead me to take film studies modules at university; I wrote a piece on the trend for making sequels that is as true today as it was when I wrote it. I created a website for my Librarianship degree for a fictional geeky library. It's still up and running! I called it the Abrams' Library after the creator of my favourite TV series Alias, who's done rather well for himself since and proved his geek credentials by directing both the new Star Trek films and the new Star Wars. And my Pinterest page is pretty much taken up by my love of films, TV and books.

My Pinterest page
So it takes a special film to make me want to review it, a film that really means something to me. Jersey Boys was the first in many years and Inside Out is the next film and surely won't be the last.

I must admit, I'm an out and out Disney fan and by extension a Pixar fan. I grew up with Disney; I have only just finished converting my Disney VHS collection to DVD, having received a Disney film each Christmas as a kid from one of my aunties. However this is going to be an objective review, not biased by sentiment. However Disney and Pixar have always been at the top of the animation game, really only rivalled by Studio Ghibli in terms of quality and quantity. Their output has relatively recently veered away from the princesses and fairytales, Brave being a notable exception but Merida is not your typical Disney princess. Toy Story may have started it all, through talking animals, monsters, superheroes and cars. However it was with the space saga Wall-E, a tale of two robots and with an environmental lesson as its theme, that the animation studio started to do something different. It continued with the left of field Up with an old man as its central character. But even by these standards, Inside Out is different.

The Numskulls. Credit: The Beano
When I first heard about it, I was intrigued. I loved the idea of a film which personified emotions and showed the workings of the mind. The premise of human-like creatures controlling us inside our bodies reminded me of The Numskulls, comic characters that feature in The Beano. But where The Numskulls control us physically, Inside Out concentrates on how emotions control us and how the mind works. So even if they did take The Numskulls as inspiration, though The Numskulls writers have said it bares a mere passing resemblance and suggested so in a special cartoon (shown above), they have done something completely different with the idea.

Inside Out may be a kid's film and a Disney Pixar one at that, but there is so much going on, so many references and you can take it on so many levels, I could write an essay on this film. I expect university students will write theses on it in years to come. But I won't, I just want to say why it made such an impression on me. And now it's out on DVD and I've seen it for a second time, I thought it was the right moment.

Inside Out
As with all Disney and Pixar films, Inside Out is for people of all ages, from the youngest, to the eldest. Everyone will see something different in it. But a child could watch it year on year and get something new out of it as they get older; it shows how we change as we grow up. I hope they don't do a sequel with Riley as a teenager, though the short that's on the DVD is great.

The film has a very slight plot and is essentially about how moving house affects a young girl: Riley. Inside Out shows how the five main emotions that rule her head determine her actions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. When Joy and Sadness are accidentally ejected from Riley's control room along with the core memories that define her personality, they go on a journey through her mind to return to save Riley from being overtaken by her fear, anger and disgust.

Imagination Land
For children, a lot of the film will go over their heads, but they'll love the vibrant colours, Bing Bong and the other characters. For older kids though, it will help them understand how emotions work, control you and how they act together. It helped me and I've done a lot of self-analysis over the years! Inside Out has been adopted by mental health experts, sufferers and charities as a way to explain mental illness. It has helped children to understand their mental problems and parents to explain to their children theirs. This is a brilliant thing. The film was created as a way for the writers to explore the changes their children were going through to become teenagers. I think it was such a hit because Americans loved it as they're used to therapy, for our less self-analytical nation it has impact, but in a more subtle way.

Inside Out is really inventive and detailed, showing you the train of thought, imagination, long-term memory and even abstract thought, excelling at showing you how memories can change, how by remembering things later in life it can colour the memory, particularly with sadness; nostalgia literally means homecoming pain or ache. Memories are really what this film is all about. What happens to our memories as we get older. The story of Bing Bong, the childhood imaginary friend is heartbreaking.

Bing Bong
I think it hit me hard thanks to my years of anxiety and I wish they had showed less of Joy and Sadness and more of the others, especially Fear. The only other way they could have improved it is by doing more of what they showed during the credits and during the stand-out scene at the dinner table, inside others' heads and not just Riley's. But the bittersweet ending is wonderful.

Basically, I urge everyone to see it and you'll probably get something different out of it to me!

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Bittersweet victory

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This blog post has been 15 years in the making, almost half my lifetime. If you're thinking we didn't really have the internet and blogs back then, you'd be right. It's not that I've been writing this post since then, but the events detailed here have taken this long.

Trust me I'm a doctor
If you take two things from this post, morals if you will, they are these: never taken a doctor's word as gospel and the things you thought you knew change on you. This post will be of interest to anyone who feels disappointed, short-changed or unsure after an appointment with a doctor. I too often accepted a diagnosis from a doctor, even when it didn't feel right. I have a problem with authority figures, underneath I see them as humans, just as fallible as the rest of us, but I always quail before them. Carefully rehearsed speeches go out the window when I enter their office. So I quietly defy them in that I do my research afterwards and thank goodness for that or I wouldn't be where I am today. The registrar wrote me off yesterday; it was my last appointment with him and I'm now in the hands of the physios. In the nicest possible way, he hopes to never see me again and I couldn't agree more. My Mum got a bit teary as this has been years in coming and she praised me for sticking with it, holding my ground and forcing the doctors' hands. I just see it as coming down to a mixture of desperation and stubbornness, but there must have been some self-belief in there too. The victory is bittersweet for me because of the time it's taken, the toll it's taken and the things I've missed out on because of it. But finally, it's at an end. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.


One word of warning: I've always been open and honest about things, so here's me being open and honest about my health and if it helps one person either understand me or themselves better, then this post has done its job. So if you ever wondered about me, my clumsiness, vagueness and my anxiety, or your own clumsiness and dizziness, then read on.

Have you ever felt dizzy with no apparent cause? Does vertigo plague your life that can't be put down to anything else? Do you get anxious for no particular reason? That's been my life ever since I was 16, when I started to have attacks of vertigo that came out of the blue, that incapacitated me so I can't lie down without making it worse, I can't walk in a straight line and I can only find one position when the room isn't spinning: half sitting and half lying down in a weird position. These attacks steadily got worse and more frequent. They lasted one or two days and knocked my energy for longer. A common misconception is that vertigo is the fear of heights, but that's acrophobia. Vertigo is one of the symptoms of acrophobia, like when you look down at the world far below and everything starts spinning, that's vertigo. It feels like a combination of being drunk without the good bits and the worst hangover of your life. Some car journeys, especially those along winding country roads, can feel like a rollercoaster. General day to day life is made harder, particularly with concentration levels and my energy is sapped quicker.

Vertigo
Over the years, I've been diagnosed with many different things, as the symptoms got worse. First a GP diagnosed me with labyrinthitis and was given tablets, but when I went to see a specialist, they told me it couldn't be labyrinthitis because the vertigo didn't last long enough. Then I got diagnosed with migraines, but the next specialist palmed me off with tablets which gave me distressing side effects. So I stopped taking them, plus I didn't think it was migraines as I didn't get headaches or any other symptoms apart from the vertigo. Then after a particularly bad bout, I was told it was Menieres and that there was nothing that could be done. I couldn't accept that and researched it. I'm stubborn and curious, a bad combination most of the time but not with this and it was just as well I am. One of the firm symptoms is hearing loss, so I went and got a hearing test. You can get a test done for free from Boots, but you have to pay for a copy of the results. So I went back to the doctor, again being referred by my GP and was told it couldn't be Menieres as I would have hearing loss if I was experiencing vertigo. My hearing is actually better than average and one good thing that has come out of this protracted diagnosis is I've discovered why I am so acutely sensitive to high pitched sounds like cutlery, because I hear it louder! The amount of doctors I've seen, pills I've taken and shouldn't have and diagnoses I've been given is depressing. Anyway, after a few simple balance tests last November, I received the diagnosis I had been waiting for: a correct diagnosis at last. I have vestibular damage to my right balance organ.

No one knows why it happened; it could've been a blow to the head, lack of blood flow or a virus, which is the most probable. But suddenly my life made sense, why I'm clumsy and am always bumping into things, why I can't walk in a straight line in the dark, why I have difficulty travelling and always get car sick. The attacks of vertigo over the years were the organ gradually degrading. It was a confusing but enlightening time for me. I was a gymnast, I've even got a certificate to prove I could do a cartwheel across a beam, so why did I suddenly have no balance? As the attacks of vertigo only happened once in a blue moon, I never connected the two until much later.

Blue moon
However after this epiphany moment, I received no more help; I just had to live with it. The only suggestion was to exercise, maybe do some martial arts. I exercise every day and I tried to do some martial arts, but it was impossible, because I couldn't balance. But like the passive, non-confrontational and introverted person I am, I let it slide and just carried on regardless. Until a heavy head cold knocked me sideways and I had to go on heavy duty motion sickness medication to even function. I wasn't going to take medication if I could help it, so I forced an appointment with a specialist and finally found a doctor who not only listened to me, but gave me time. He was as determined as I was to get to the bottom of it. From this point on, I couldn't fault Addenbrooke's Hospital or the NHS; they have been brilliant. After years of suffering, just living with it and getting on with things, I've finally been told the definitive cause, well, two causes: BPPV and a damaged balance organ on the right-hand side. The BPPV is easily fixed though.

BPPV stands for Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. It's basically where calcium deposits in the brain are dislodged and float around where they shouldn't be. The fix is a series of nauseating and mildly painful head manoeuvres to move them back. BPPV causes positional vertigo, which means vertigo if you look up or down, or hold your head in a certain way and if you roll over, or if you do anything with your head too quickly. It blighted my sleep as I toss and turn a lot in bed. So whenever I rolled over from left to right, I'd wake up or sleep more shallowly because of the vertigo. to be fair to the doctors, mine was very subtle and it's not surprising that they missed the eye movements that they look for by hanging my head over the edge of a bed.


They did quite a few tests, including an MRI of my head to rule out anything sinister, pumping my ears with water which was horrible, tracking my eye movements with funky knightrider glasses and balance tests. As for the damaged balance organ, it is very weak and may yet get worse, nothing is certain with this. I've lost 77% and it means I'm permanently off kilter and unbalanced. This may seem very very bad, but apparently like you can live with just one kidney or just one lung, you can live with just one balance organ. You just have to retrain your brain and reset your balance. So I'm seeing a physio and hopefully I will have my equilibrium back. My body grounding itself and my sight, they are as much balance organs as the balance organ. I know everyone gets motion sickness to some degree, anyone who has tried to navigate around their own house in the dark or rides rollercoasters for instance, knows what I'm talking about. My body gets royally confused and takes ages to reset itself. The symptoms may wear off for you after 10 minutes or so, but for me, it could be days. After long car journeys, I've lost a day before due to not being able to sleep because even with the light on, the room starts spinning the second I close my eyes and with no sleep, the next day is shot. Your balance comes from three things: your eyes and brain, your body and your balance organs. With one of them out of action, I only have my eyes and body. When either of those are compromised, I'm screwed. So if it's dark, if there's a disconnect between my body and eyes like when I'm travelling or even in crowds and everything is moving so fast around me, that's why I get the vertigo.

Here's a rollercoaster I can't believe I went on: the Dragon Khan at Portaventura, Barcelona
Lastly, I've written about this before, written about it on this blog before, but for the same amount of time as I've been living with vertigo, I've been living with anxiety and panic attacks. I always thought that the vertigo was a symptom of my anxiety and it can be. But it turns out, while it doesn't help as hyperventilation and irregular breathing can make your head swim, tense your body up and cause dizziness, the anxiety can also easily simply be a symptom of my balance problems. If the world feels off kilter, if you're permanently off balance, if you have no equilibrium, then of course you're going to feel anxious. And anything that exacerbates the symptoms would make you feel anxious, like public speaking when you have stand up for a while, often higher up than everyone else, like travelling and like socialising. I always thought that the anxiety caused my physical symptoms, racing heart rate, sweating and yes dizziness, but it seems too much of a coincidence as the anxiety and vertigo attacks started around the same time, that they are completely connected. My anxiety has a physical cause and if I can get my equilibrium back, maybe I can live anxiety-free. But that's a false hope as it's been too long and my body has got used to being anxious. If I get stressed or excited, by going on a rollercoaster for instance, which I wouldn't do anymore anyway because of my balance problems, but I would get the same symptoms as anxiety and it would bring on a panic attack as the increased adrenaline is now a signal that my body takes to induce a panic attack. So there are certain things I have to be careful of doing now. I even had to leave Centre Court at Wimbledon when I was there for the London 2012 Olympics because the excitement at just being at a place I had longed to go to ever since I was a kid became too much and it induced a panic attack. Stupid, right?

Me at Wimbledon Centre Court
My body has been doing a good job over the years of compensating, of living with the low grade nausea, of the world whirling around me. It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable the body is. But it also means I have many habits to break that I have built up over the years to cope with it all, some may be too ingrained to change, but we'll see. The physio has already identified a few bodily and posture problems. She has given me the exercises to reorientate myself, to allow my brain to get used to having only one balance organ. It's the only treatment. But she's also given me exercises to help realign my knees. I felt like a fraud in the gym at the hospital as there was a guy in there with an obvious brain injury just trying to get his limbs moving again, so I have him in mind the next time I feel too tired and want to shirk doing my exercises. I have a long body and short legs and I hunch over, not from being lazy, but because I'm trying to lower my centre of gravity to help me balance, or at least that's what I tell my Mum now after her years of nagging me to sit up straight! I also can't stand up for too long and when I do, I put my knees together for support, I even cycle like that. This has weakened my knees and I could start having problems in 10-15 years and even with my hips if I keep cycling the way I do. The impact that this has had on my body and mind is incredible. It will be interesting to see which things are genuine causes of anxiety and which are generated by the vertigo. It will be a journey of discovery, but one I'm more than happy to embark on. I'm determined to get over the anxiety if I can, to sit up straighter and to live my life more. Battling the balance problems took a lot of energy, so here's hoping I have more to play with! Most importantly, I have an answer, a reason and explanation for something that blighted my life for far too long and this bittersweet victory is all mine. I can change.

If any of this seems vaguely familiar to you, any of the symptoms, then read on.

BPPV symptoms

Does your Mum always tell you off for not sitting up straight? It may not be laziness, but because it isn't comfortable dizziness-wise. Having your head at a weird angle may help and you may be doing it unconsciously like I have.

Have you always thought you have low blood pressure, even though you've had it checked and it was fine? Do you find it difficult to stand up for too long, feel dizzy after standing or sitting up too quickly and get head rushes? This may be BPPV because sudden head movements or prolonged time with your head at a certain angle can cause dizziness. You can imagine what it was like working at a computer for me. My concentration was shot!

Did you used to be a heavy sleeper, turned into a shallow sleeper and then a very light sleeper? It could be down to rolling around, tossing and turning in bed at night. This might be due to stress sure, but it could also be rolling from right to left or left to right, depending on what side these damn crystals are at. I used to wake up with vertigo, with my covers off the bed or tangled up because of it.

Vestibular damage symptoms

Do you dislike travelling, not seeing new places or holidays, just because of the travelling part? Not for the usual reasons of the time it takes, airport angst, fear of flying, traffic jams, motorways and sea sickness? When the plane banks, does it feel like you're going to pass out? Can you not look out of the side windows of a car without feeling dizzy, even on the shortest of journeys? Do busy places make you feel anxious? Anything going at speed around you, whether it's when you're on a train or in a car or people walking fast around you, anything that confuses what speed you're actually moving at can bring it on.

Have you never particularly liked theme parks or rollercoasters? Going upside down is the worst thing you can do for balance and to disrupt BPPV as well, for obvious reasons.

Have you never liked, not enclosed places or due to claustrophobia, just places you can't get out of easily like planes, lifts and caves? Banking in planes makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. Lifts make me anxious. Caves are usually dark so see below.

Are you scared of the dark, or did you not get over your childhood fear of the dark until later in life? For me it was my 20s, was this why? No light means I have no means to orientate myself. The balance organ is the only thing you can rely on in the dark and mine is compromised.

Are you clumsy, always bumping into things, falling off curbs, up stairs...? Do you have to look straight ahead when walking, can you not look down or up or side to side? I can't count how many times I've injured myself or sprained my ankle because I haven't kept my head on an even keel, I've been looking at something up in the sky, behind or around me. Of course, again, bad things happen when you're not concentrating or concentrating on something other than walking, but you don't get dizzy generally.

Are you teetotal or near enough? I never really got into alcohol, apart from a brief misguided time as a 16-17 year old. Was it because the vertigo attacks were like being drunk, but without the nice bits? Why would I induce that, make it worse?

Question these symptoms and see what you come back with. You'd be surprised how many of us are wandering around with damaged vestibular organs and/or BPPV.

Friday, 2 January 2015

All shall fade: A Christmas holiday of farewells

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Me and my nephews
Most things are ephemeral, everyone knows that. However it doesn't mean we're any the less sad when things come to an end. The knowledge that almost nothing ever lasts forever doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. Recently there have been several significant goodbyes for me. I really wished it could be Christmas every day this new year.


There are always goodbyes at Christmas. When family and friends get together, people that haven't seen each other for a while, especially in my case when some of the family live abroad, there will be hard goodbyes. Even though we had been on holiday together earlier in the year and the goodbye then was difficult and emotional, the goodbye at Christmas, actually on New Year's Eve, was worse. It should have been easier as they were back and forth visiting people and we didn't seen them as much as before. But you never get used to saying goodbye. It should never be a casual thing.

Christmas meal
Christmas always makes things seem more significant: it's the traditions, presents, decorations, family meals, but mostly the time off from everyday life. It may only be a few days in actual time, but in quality time, nothing beats Christmas; it makes everything seem deeper, more profound, loaded: heavy.

Back to the Future, good Christmas film and good use of the word "heavy"
As if saying goodbye to all that wasn't bad enough, what made it worse was seeing my nephews together, with two nieces on the way, two big meals with all 10 of us and a couple of evenings when it really felt like we were one big happy family again. It all made me look back in a nostalgic way. I can still remember being a little kid at big family gatherings, playing with my cousins, my aunts and uncles around. Now I'm one of those aunts. I never thought it would happen. I love being an Auntie, don't get me wrong, but I feel more like a kid than an auntie. I kept thinking of a song lyric: "If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all. And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before." Yes, but in a different role, or torn between two roles: a child and a grown-up.

I guess I just don't want anything to change. Yet it does anyway. Time marches on. Living is easy with eyes closed. So now, after sitting in the cinema last night, listening to Billy Boyd singing as the credits rolled, an era of my life came to an end. I know now how the Star Wars generation felt after Return of the Jedi, how they must have felt after Revenge of the Sith, except The Hobbit films were infinitely better and not a major disappointment. They also came nine years on and not 16 years on.

The moment that caused the panic attack
I know I lay greater significance on Lord of the Rings than it really deserves due to my emotional connection to it; it symbolises my progression after coming through mental illness as I had my worst panic attack while watching the Fellowship of the Ring in the cinema. The films came out during an impressionable time for me. I was seventeen, school had ended and my life was transforming around me, giving me independence, independence I couldn't handle; life was being forced upon me. It was all a great big scary adventure and I empathised with Frodo leaving his safe and comfortable existence and going out into the big dark world. Now the film series has come to an end, when I'm more secure. My life has changed radically from the first Lord of the Rings to the last Hobbit film. I believe I'm quite valid in mourning the end.

Boromir dies

It wasn't like after the last Lord of the Rings film; I was film savvy enough then to realise they would be making The Hobbit. But because of various rights battles, including between the movie studios New Line and MGM, Guillermo Del Toro bowing out and the time it takes to make a Tolkien/Peter Jackson masterpiece, it took longer than expected. But there was always the possibility.

Sitting in the cinema yesterday, it came upon me that this would almost definitely be the last time I would see a new Tolkien film in the cinema. Billy Boyd singing didn't help matters, bringing to mind THAT moment when he sang before, which inspired the title of this blog post and the soundtrack to Faramir's sacrificial charge. I cried in the cinema after Return of the King for Frodo when he sailed from the Grey Havens. I cried for the characters then. This time I cried for me. I cried for the end of an era. I cried for the film series I grew up alongside. I cried for the person I used to be and for the person I am today. I cried for the past. I cried for the future. I didn't weep. Tears were not even shed; I held them back, just. I wish I could have cried instead of crying inside. But I was in a public place and we had to get home. I just had a moment to myself, to mourn. The quality of the film itself ultimately didn't matter, though it was excellent, but like The Lord of the Rings, I preferred the more innocent first of the series; it was what it signified.


Lastly and least importantly, I lost a friend over Christmas: Miranda. Much has been said in criticism about this TV series and I would be the first to admit that the last ever episode wasn't the best. But I have stuck by her from the first hello, through the highs of the therapist episode right until her inevitable wedding. I empathised with all her social faux-pas, potent awkwardness and lack of confidence. In short, as with all Miranda's fans, I saw a lot of myself in her, especially in the struggle to be herself which it ultimately came down to. And despite the silliness, the unreality and flaws of the episode, it was seeing Miranda finally grow up a little, become more independent and gain some self-esteem that moved me. It was a lovely and lovingly crafted goodbye, with a nod to the viewers. So so long to Customer, Clive, Mike, Chris, Alison, the therapist, Charlie, Tilly, Penny, Stevie, Gary and Miranda. I for one will miss you.


Finally, to sum up, I'm turning to Doctor Who, which has been all shades of wrong recently, right from when Steven Moffat took over, especially in the way the latest Doctor is treating humanity; he used to see us as equals, sacrificing himself for Wilfred in the end; now he sees us as something to look down on, patronising and superior. Anyway, the Christmas episode got one thing right. Christmas should be treated like it's your last; a silent goodbye runs through the holiday, never spoken, until the last day of course. Christmas is special like that. Appreciate and spend time with your loved ones as you don't know what next Christmas will bring.

Well, all these goodbyes are in the spirit of Auld Lang Syne and it's an appropriate way to begin a new year. Here's to 2015 and to last goodbyes.


Sunday, 22 June 2014

Jersey Boys: Silence is not Golden in this case

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I don't usually do this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, especially with film reviews as they're highly subjective. However when someone is incorrect, they're incorrect and I can prove it. Swearin' to God. I need to right a wrong, a wrong that is very close to my heart.

I've been a film reviewer so I kind of know what I'm talking about. I have done film reviews for my University newspaper, the Cambridge Film Festival (including interviewing the most important film director in Albania, but that's another excruciating story), websites such as Local Secrets and on community radio (Bums on Seats for Cambridge 105). I only gave up as it started to ruin my enjoyment of not just going to the cinema, but of watching films in general. I'm working my way back to it. Now I only go to the cinema when it warrants it, for valid 3D films, big tent pole releases and for films I just can't wait to see. Jersey Boys was an instance of the latter.

Jersey Boys
Jersey Boys is the story of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. I grew up on their music. My ears adored their music right from the first note. I used to sit as a child in front of my parents' stereo, cross-legged on the floor, wearing huge oversized bucket headphones that I had to hold to my ears as they were far too big, lost to the world. The dawn could go away for all I would care. I sat there for hours! Frankie's glorious voice washing over me, Nick Massi's bass voice making me laugh, the tunes sweeping me away and the lyrics, oh the lyrics. This music is the music of my childhood and I'd have "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" as my wedding song.


With this in mind, if there were anything wrong with the film, I'd be the first to pick up on it, with the music, the acting, the characterisation, the story and the singing, particularly the singing. I'm not the sort to blindly love anything. The sun ain't gonna shine on everything about anything. I saw the stage musical four years ago, on an icy December evening. Oh, what a night that was. So I'm in a good position, possibly a better position than most reviewers, to review Jersey Boys than any. Plus I wasn't feeling well and I've been waiting for this films for years, since the doorman at the Prince Edward Theatre mentioned that Martin Scorsese was in line to direct. So I was less inclined to be patient with any shortcomings, but in the perfect way that seems to happen when you're not feeling your best, you fall for something, someone hard. Jersey Boys is not perfect, nothing ever is, but it's still wonderful, a fact that the critics seem to have missed.

The London cast I saw
First to the downsides. In my opinion, the stage musical did a better job of making Tommy DeVito sympathetic, which is unusual as the film had more time and he was played by the only real film/TV actor in the quartet: Vincent Piazza. It might've been helped by the fact that the marvellous Jon Boydon played Tommy when I saw it on stage. Here he is with me looking like a silver star.

Me meeting Jon Boydon
The rest of the cast were great, including the only star Christopher Walken who is a self-confessed Frankie Valli fan and was clearly loving it. On stage, Tommy may have been the stand-out, on screen it was Erich Bergen as Bob Gaudio. He is someone to watch. Let's hang on to him. That is to take nothing away from the Frankies: Ryan Molloy on stage and John Lloyd Young on screen. The latter has been on Glee and has certainly graduated from that. They were nothing if not professional.

In the stage musical, after *SPOILER* Frankie's daughter dies, they used the beautiful song "Fallen Angel" which perfectly describes the emotion of the moment. However the film reprised the song Frankie sang to his daughter to get her to sleep. It made narrative sense, but I missed the inclusion of the song. "Rag Doll" only got a brief mention as well.

Lastly, there was no cameo for Oscar-winning actor Joe Pesci who as a young man was Tommy's dogsbody and introduced them to Bob Gaudio, who became their main songwriter. Ironically in later life, Tommy worked for Pesci in Las Vegas. He has a part in the film though. If Scorsese had made Jersey Boys, I expect Pesci would've got a bigger part and a definite cameo!

Joe Pesci with The Four Seasons
The reason why I'm writing this post is because of the majority of reviews, special mention goes to the exception the LA Times, mainly a BuzzFeed article from Alison Willmore (I have to name and shame her) and a two-star review from my beloved Times. Alison claims that Jersey Boys is a musical that doesn't care about music. This really got under my skin because on the contrary, the film and Eastwood obviously really care about the music. As Alison goes on to say, she wants a Mamma Mia style musical where the characters randomly burst into song for no reason, with big song and dance numbers. You want Mamma Mia? Well watch it again, or the soon-to-be-released Walking on Sunshine. This medley happens at the end in a glorious feel-good finale which harks back to the stage musical, reminiscent of a curtain call. But the point she misses about Jersey Boys is that it as much a biopic as a musical. Eastwood really cares about the music, grounding it in reality rather than trivialising it in the current trend of film musicals. The songs are naturally sung on stage, in the studio, impromptu on the street, down the phone to their producer and to the people in their lives. He puts the songs in context, sometimes giving you the story behind the lyrics; Jersey Boys is a biopic after all. The film and the musical aren't constructed around the songs, it is a biopic that includes their songs and is a musical in that sense. One of the most famous songs, "Sherry" is sung down a phone, but it is reprised later in a storming performance. The songs are woven into the narrative in a seamlessly intuitive way, not as an afterthought or a clumsy emotional bookmark.

Clint Eastwood with Frankie Valli
I for one am glad that they didn't go down the Grease angle, using it as a template. This would be entirely forgivable as Frankie Valli did sing the title track for the film. It could have been excruciating and that happy-go-lucky shallow feel doesn't lend itself to a story of the mob, fraud, betrayal, heartbreak, addiction and death. Jersey Boys is a true story of realistic people with real problems; nothing is manufactured.

One of the key problems as the critics see it is the narrative device of the characters speaking to the camera, narrating the film themselves, compounded by the fact that all but Tommy are stage actors taken direct from the stage musical. Rather than be a negative this actually becomes a positive. The stage actors know the material inside out, their parts are ingrained in them and they bring more naturalistic performances and addressing the audience adds much needed even laugh-out-loud humour (a Nick Massi ranting moment is a scene-stealer) and allows all the characters to have a voice rather than just the lead Frankie and the verbose Tommy. Gaudio's "Walk Like a Man" moment is quite brilliant.

Jersey Boys poster
For some reason, The Times reviewer Wendy Ide decides to criticise the singing, while admitting that John Lloyd Young, Tony award-winning on stage in the part of Frankie, is a "physical and vocal match" for Valli. Therefore criticising his voice makes no sense and belies the fact that she doesn't like the music. This is fair enough, but if you admit that the singing is spot on and you still don't like it, then don't blame the film for it as it's clearly just personal taste! Okay, Young may be pitch and note perfect, but he doesn't have the edge, depth, texture, warmth and humour of Valli. Playing the real Valli over the credits didn't help matters, but he was good enough for me which says a lot. Reviewers do your research! None of them seem to realise that this music is influential, innovative and wait for it, legendary. At the finish, Frankie and the others are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, this should surely be a signifier as to how special their music has become.

The cast with Frankie Valli
I just want to get all Jersey on the lot of these so-called film critics and whup them, smack them upside their heads! Don't you worry about me, I won't. I feel I know not just Frankie Valli, The Four Seasons and the music better, which I didn't think possible, but New Jersey better. It seems Janet Evanovich in her Stephanie Plum books has it right. You can't help but love the tenacity, loyalty and ferocity. The things I didn't pick up from the stage musical, I understood when watching the film, such as why the songs on my parents' CD had a triangle or a circle next to them: it indicates which were Frankie Valli and which were the Four Seasons.


I just want to thank my parents for introducing me to the glorious music of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, which has lasted and will last a lifetime. Who loves you and will always love you for that and many things. I may go years without listening to the music, but I will instantly get a rush from hearing it and instinctively start singing along, word perfect; this music is embedded in my heart and the lyrics ingrained on my mind. It is indelible music. I got very emotional watching Jersey Boys, the songs touching something deep within me. I didn't cry because big girls don't cry, but I was close. I also want to thank my brothers for introducing me to indie music: blur and the like. I also want to forgive my friends for introducing me to the likes of Boyzone, who I'm still loyal to by the way.

You're ready now to watch Jersey Boys and I'm not going to start beggin' you to watch it, but you'd be missing out on a great experience and some great music and ain't that a shame.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Looking forward to the future

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This is a post that was first published on the AnxietyUK website as part of Mental Health Awareness Week. As they have now taken all the posts down, I thought it would be best to publish it on my blog, so it doesn't go to waste. I have edited it, added pretty images and explained a few bits in more detail, improving it basically!

Mental health problems are not a sign of weakness. They are sign of trying to remain strong for far too long

I'm 30. I started having panic attacks out of the blue when I was 16 and my life has been ruled by anxiety at varying levels ever since, almost half my lifetime. At its worst, I was having several panic attacks a day, incited by significant and insignificant events alike, most commonly films and TV, but always when in the house on my own. I contemplated suicide, briefly, once. I also developed an eating disorder.

Fear and anxiety

Anxiety didn't stop me finishing my A-levels, but it didn't help my grades and it did stop me going away to university. I vowed to never let it stop me from doing anything again. However, unconsciously it has. Anxiety has stopped me from finding a boyfriend, broken up friendships and delayed me in progressing at work. However it hasn't stopped me from moving out of home (at 25), holding down a job and finding my vocation in life, getting 2 university degrees, passing my driving test (5th time due to nerves), public speaking, teaching classes and doing adventurous things.

Fear doesn't control my life anymore

I had counselling at 17, but I decided to get over the anxiety myself, managed to and went to university in my hometown after a year out building my confidence. However the anxiety came out in different ways over the years: sporadic panic attacks at stressful times, eating problems, defensive behaviour in friendships, hermit-like tendencies, as well as the physical symptoms: heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, tremors, muscle tension, joint pain, lack of energy, depression and insomnia among many other things.

Anatomy of anxiety

Over the years I've tried traditional counselling, meditation, mindfulness, hypnotherapy, CBT, natural remedies and neurofeedback. I thought I had a handle on it after the latter, but after finishing my second degree in November 2013, distance learning while working full-time, I had a mini breakdown, ruining a well-earned holiday and freaking out my family. I stopped eating, sleeping and was having panic attacks all day every day. I was forced to take time off work to recover and decided, with my excellent doctor’s hands-off advice, to go back to traditional counselling.

Calvin and Hobbes sums it up

I had an epiphany-like breakthrough in the first session and have not looked back since. Being diagnosed, with vestibular neuritis (after a misdiagnosis of Menieres), or at least ruling out anything else it can be as it's undiagnosable, has helped too; it can be linked to anxiety. I feel becoming an auntie has done much to help as well, having someone to look after who takes you out of yourself and who loves you unconditionally.

Just breathe

I haven't felt this good in years, maybe before this all started at 16 years old. I’m happier, getting out more, writing again (my favourite thing in the entire world), enjoying life and everyone's saying how healthy I look. I am even considering finally finding a boyfriend, which is a huge thing for me. I wanted to share my story to show that you can go from the lowest of the low, feeling like there’s nowhere to go, to actually looking forward to the future.
Self control

Lastly, I want to share with you my favourite quote: Lao Tzu: “If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present.” I still have a long way to go, but I've finally found flashes of peace.

Monday, 17 March 2014

How to and how not to do your librarianship degree

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I have recently finished my MSc in librarianship, distance learning from Aberystwyth while working full-time. I tried to do it as quickly as possible, completing it in just more than two years. I did it the hard way, I always do things the hard way. I wouldn't recommend it as it damn near caused a nervous breakdown!

It occurred to me that I have a few other bits of advice to impart, some serious and some not so serious. For those of you contemplating doing a librarianship degree, distance learning whether from Aberystwyth or otherwise, this blog post may prove useful. For those of you currently doing your degree, I have broken it down into general MSc advice, as well as specific dissertation advice. And for those of you who have like me finished, you may chuckle in recognition. For everyone else, there's some pretty pictures of Aberystwyth.

My dissertation was on ebooks, looking at the attitudes of publishers, suppliers, faculty and librarians (the main influencers of the success of ebooks in academic libraries) rather than users; the University of Cambridge became a sort of case study. For those of you interested, here is my dissertation. It got a decent enough grade, but maybe reached too far and tried to encompass too much:
https://www.academia.edu/6393946/_Books_are_no_more_threatened_by_Kindle_than_stairs_by_elevators._The_impact_of_ebooks_on_printed_book_collections_in_University_of_Cambridge_libraries_Attitudes_of_librarians_faculty_and_suppliers

The statue on the hill

How not to do your MSc in librarianship

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while studying for your MSc/MA in librarianship. I did mine at Aberystwyth distance learning while working full-time. But I believe the lessons I learned are attributable to at least all distance learning courses, let alone beyond. These are hard-earned lessons through bitter experience.

DO NOT:

...spend time off. Work steadily and regularly.

...forget the people you met at study school. Regardless of how quickly they or you get through the course, they will be your benchmark, virtual friends and the people who understand what you are going through the most. If you don't meet these people at study school, or go to study school, find them in your local librarian community who have done/are doing the course. Cambridge is great for that. I won't list those that helped me, but they know who they are. I occasionally met up with another Cambridge librarian to talk about where we were at, rant about annoyances and generally catch up. Just knowing someone else is going through the same things as you is comforting and encouraging. It also helps with the distance side, not having lessons or lectures, no socialising with classmates and not having someone to talk to on a daily basis.

Me with the friends I made at the first study school
...on that note, avoid contacting the course leaders if you have any questions, no matter how small, via email or on the forums. Do use the forums and keep in touch virtually (social media is particularly useful. Facebook or Twitter via the #aberils hashtag) with classmates and other librarians, they are your most useful resource, not the electronic articles, textbooks and course packs.

...be scared of the blank page. It is a genuine phobia by the way: vacansopapurosophobia. Write something, anything. Once you start, you'll find it gets easier and better the more you write. You can always edit afterwards. There is no such thing as the perfect assignment, the perfect essay.


...stay at Pantycelyn, if you go to Aber. You will not get any sleep. The food is worse. The sleeping quarters are atrocious. The ablution facilities are bad bordering on dangerous. Trefloyne was the best place I stayed. But I also booked a lovely little hotel on the seafront for the last study school. However you'll need a car or try and catch the bus as the route to the library studies campus is up a steep hill.

...try to do it in 2 years unless you don't plan on having a life, enjoy hard work and have unshakeable determination.

...take on too much such as trying to solve long-standing mental problems, learning to drive and passing your test (5th time), while also trying to have a family life, going on holidays and holding down a full-time job.

...expect too much of yourself. You will run yourself ragged with the combined stress of family, work and study.

Castle hill
...make a mountain out of a molehill. Tackle the molehills, not the mountain.


DO:

...choose the right course for you. I don't know about Robert Gordon in Scotland, but with Northumbria you have to do it in 2 years and Aber you can do it in 2-5 years, which allows for much more flexibility. There are also part-time and full-time courses, of course.

...set yourself deadlines. Yes, there are marking deadlines, but they are almost impossible to stick to, particularly if you're a perfectionist like me. The only one that matters is the dissertation deadline, otherwise with all the hoops it has to jump through, you have to wait months for your mark to come back. You will set off with the best of intentions, especially after the study schools: to be the best you can be. But I can guarantee by the end of it, you will be saying "that will do."

Babe "That'll do, pig"
...heed the universe. If you keep coming up against barriers, frequently get writer's block or everything seems against you, the universe is trying to tell you something. Put it this way, if traffic lights keep changing to red just before you get to them, the universe is telling you to SLOW DOWN.

...expect to put on weight. I haven't ever weighed so much without medical intervention. This will happen specifically when you are writing the dissertation. It's from comfort eating, convenience foods and lack of sleep/stress.

...have a good work-life-studies balance. Get into a routine if possible. If you can't, do little and often. It's about regular work. Go with the flow. Whatever works.

Aberystwyth sunset
...remember life will always get in the way. Distance learning is tough as it encroaches on all areas of your life at all times, if you let it. It's not like a job which you can usually leave at your workplace; it comes home with you.

...realise procrastination is the enemy. Self-motivation is key and the hardest part about distance-learning especially. You will find any excuse not to work. There will always be one more chapter to read, one more episode to watch, one more chore to do. Do not give in.

The bluebell walk trip during the April study school
...take advantage of the opportunities offered at study school, such as the National Library visit and the bluebell wood walk in Aberystwyth.

...use Dropbox. It's invaluable. You can work wherever you are. All you need is an internet connection. You will always have an up-to-date version of your work. It will allow you to take advantage of any moment you have, any inspiration and any motivation. That said, make sure you keep a back-up as well.

Backup from Veronica Mars
 ...use Zotero. You can keep all your references and bibliography in one place. You can create folders to separate them according to each assignment or module. One click is all it takes in your internet browser (Firefox and Chrome at least) to save something. There is also a Word add-in so you can instantly add citations to your assignment and create a bibliography, using your chosen citation style. I always used APA. You will never lose a reference and you will never have to manually create a bibliography again.

...have good, supportive people around you, be they workmates, friends or family. They will act as cheerleaders, there to crack the whip and preferably to do the cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I didn't until my dissertation as me and my brother who I live with share all the chores, but you might be luckier. It means if you're on a roll, you can stay on a roll. Even in the depths of my dissertation I had to take time out to cook, clean and grocery shop as it was my turn.

...allow for downtime. Do something away from work, family and studies. I took refuge in books (paradoxically studying will reignite your love of reading, at least reading literature) and TV, as well as the aforementioned learning to drive and trying to solve my mental problems. For me it was particularly Glee, Once Upon a Time and How I Met Your Mother for the TV programmes, Anne of Green Gables, Jasper Fforde and Cornelia Funke for the books. Without downtime, you'll go mad. A special mention to Gilmore Girls who saved me after I finished.

The balloon I purloined from the 25th anniversary dinner
...have fun with it! Do things your own way. Do the modules that interest you as well as the ones that will further your career.

...lastly and simply, get enough sleep!

How not to do your dissertation

Here are my recommendations on what to do and what not to do while writing your dissertation for the librarianship MSc/MA.

DO NOT:

...do every kind of research under the sun: interviews, surveys, the literature review, statistical analysis. It takes a long time to create, arrange, do, analyse and write up everything.

Beautiful Aberystwyth
...try to finish it under a strict deadline. More so than any other of your assignments, you will find dissertation time frames are unreliable, intangible and ephemeral.

...take a week off to try and write the bulk of the dissertation, in a heat wave, in England, in the summer. As you know, that almost never happens. So your dedication to your work will flutter away into the sunshine.

...ignore a wrist problem. All that writing, typing and mouse work will have their toll on your poor old wrist. It will only get worse, so let it have a break. If you must continue, get appropriate wrist support.

From the funicular railway
...accidentally ignore your supervisor's advice, creating a hybrid structure of the social science and thematic model. They are there to advise you. They know what the markers are looking for, so you must do as they say, or argue your point with them and in your dissertation.

...get sick at the wrong time, just as you are on the final stint of your dissertation. Not only is it extremely inconvenient, it saps your strength, energy and motivation.

...falter at the last hurdle, thinking "yes! It's almost over". It ain't over until it's over.


...write down all the things you want to do afterwards, so you will have a list when you've finished. It only adds pressure and makes things harder, looking at all the much more fun and entertaining and useful things you could be doing. Your librarianship MA/MSc is useful and sometimes fun too.

DO:

...think about your dissertation right from the very beginning of your course. You can be gathering research as you go, thinking about the topic and how you will go about it. And yes, you do need to have at least a shortlist of topics before the dissertation study school and ideas about the research methods you could use.

...get as few people involved in your dissertation as possible, only who you need. It just adds unnecessary pressure.

...print off and proofread your dissertation in paper format. My dissertation went through 3 people before I printed it off. By reading it in print rather than on screen, I found a few typos, incidences of repetition and mistakes and then my proofreaders found far more. One of the markers still found a minor mistake, despite it having gone through 7 people other than me!

Camera obscura image of Aberystwyth
...ask someone who is not a librarian and knows nothing about your subject to do the proofreading. My parents were brilliant at finding grammar and punctuation errors, parts that needed more explaining and consistency mistakes.

...choose a topic you're interested in, know something about already and won't send you doolally after months of work. You want to be sane by the end!

...plan something for when you finish, don't just go on holiday. You will go from being really ridiculously active to nothing otherwise. There will be a crash, I guarantee it, so if you have a project to do, TV series to watch or anything really, it will mitigate the effects.

So that's my advice. Do with it what you will. If you want more advice, the excellent Library Wanderer has written more articulately on the same subject. N.B We both came up with the Babe reference separately. Good luck!