Looking forward to the future

This is a post that was first published on the AnxietyUK website as part of Mental Health Awareness Week. As they have now taken all the posts down, I thought it would be best to publish it on my blog, so it doesn't go to waste. I have edited it, added pretty images and explained a few bits in more detail, improving it basically!

Mental health problems are not a sign of weakness. They are sign of trying to remain strong for far too long

I'm 30. I started having panic attacks out of the blue when I was 16 and my life has been ruled by anxiety at varying levels ever since, almost half my lifetime. At its worst, I was having several panic attacks a day, incited by significant and insignificant events alike, most commonly films and TV, but always when in the house on my own. I contemplated suicide, briefly, once. I also developed an eating disorder.

Fear and anxiety

Anxiety didn't stop me finishing my A-levels, but it didn't help my grades and it did stop me going away to university. I vowed to never let it stop me from doing anything again. However, unconsciously it has. Anxiety has stopped me from finding a boyfriend, broken up friendships and delayed me in progressing at work. However it hasn't stopped me from moving out of home (at 25), holding down a job and finding my vocation in life, getting 2 university degrees, passing my driving test (5th time due to nerves), public speaking, teaching classes and doing adventurous things.

Fear doesn't control my life anymore

I had counselling at 17, but I decided to get over the anxiety myself, managed to and went to university in my hometown after a year out building my confidence. However the anxiety came out in different ways over the years: sporadic panic attacks at stressful times, eating problems, defensive behaviour in friendships, hermit-like tendencies, as well as the physical symptoms: heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, tremors, muscle tension, joint pain, lack of energy, depression and insomnia among many other things.

Anatomy of anxiety

Over the years I've tried traditional counselling, meditation, mindfulness, hypnotherapy, CBT, natural remedies and neurofeedback. I thought I had a handle on it after the latter, but after finishing my second degree in November 2013, distance learning while working full-time, I had a mini breakdown, ruining a well-earned holiday and freaking out my family. I stopped eating, sleeping and was having panic attacks all day every day. I was forced to take time off work to recover and decided, with my excellent doctor’s hands-off advice, to go back to traditional counselling.

Calvin and Hobbes sums it up

I had an epiphany-like breakthrough in the first session and have not looked back since. Being diagnosed, with vestibular neuritis (after a misdiagnosis of Menieres), or at least ruling out anything else it can be as it's undiagnosable, has helped too; it can be linked to anxiety. I feel becoming an auntie has done much to help as well, having someone to look after who takes you out of yourself and who loves you unconditionally.

Just breathe

I haven't felt this good in years, maybe before this all started at 16 years old. I’m happier, getting out more, writing again (my favourite thing in the entire world), enjoying life and everyone's saying how healthy I look. I am even considering finally finding a boyfriend, which is a huge thing for me. I wanted to share my story to show that you can go from the lowest of the low, feeling like there’s nowhere to go, to actually looking forward to the future.

Self control

Lastly, I want to share with you my favourite quote: Lao Tzu: “If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present.” I still have a long way to go, but I've finally found flashes of peace.