The Framework Five - Resource Discovery

Summary
Learning resource discovery skills encompasses an understanding of a wide range of sources and access options, then finding and evaluating information, understanding the different formats and information types, while having the flexibility to adapt according to how they and the discovery process develops.

Successful searching
I have numerous unsuccessful case studies of research from the 10 years or so working at Cambridge Judge Business School given that the students tended to focus on topics that hadn't been done before for their final projects, or there were very niche group projects for markets that weren't markets yet. Instead we gave them information on related markets or industries.

Fortunately, there are far more case studies to choose from where I was successful, aided by class projects where everyone was researching the same thing, or recurring popular areas of focus such as social media, food or drinks companies and market share data. I could tell you about toilet bowl research guy (more interesting thaan it sounds), the time I had to search for sex toys (careful), diseases in canines (heartbreaking), luxury items (eye-opening) and pet fancy dress (fun).

However there is one that stands out from my time as the designated support librarian for a distant learning course on entrepreneurship because it was a difficult one. To paraphrase a Veronica Mars quote out of context: "No one writes about the ones that come easy."

Logan (Jason Dohring) from Veronica Mars

I won a staff recognition award for my work, largely due to my dogged tenacity in trying to find information; as one of my colleagues said, I don't give up. This time, I almost give up, but I was determined not to leave the student empty handed. The details are vague as it was a long time ago, more than five years ago now! The subject was the equine industry. There was nothing on the databases we subscribe to, nor would there be as they cover broader or more commercial industries. We did eventually get a database that covered more specific industries, but I doubt even that would have had anything. There was nothing on the wider University's resources. I even contemplated contacting the veterinary school, but seeing as though the subject was about transporting horses rather than diseases or injuries, they wouldn't be able to provide any data and the student needed it broken down to numbers being transported by country and region. There were many terms to search by, phrases to use and file formats to find.

The wise Gregory House

Using some smart internet searching (filetype:pdf, site:org and date range), I found a useful website in the ether of the internet, deep in Google search results; never assume the information isn't there if it's not on the first few pages of results. I couldn't provide them with exactly what they needed, but they altered the focus of their research upon discovering the information wasn't out there and I believe their project was the better for it.

Unsuccessful searching
I'm going way back for my case study of unsuccessful searching, back to when I was writing my undergraduate dissertation. However, I didn't want to find anything. That didn't stop me looking extensively though. As I mentioned in the previous case study, sometimes people are looking for a subject that hadn't been done before. Yet I was still surprised to find nothing. Surely I couldn't really have stumbled on a unique topic? My dissertation connected prominent literary figures: Samuel Johnson and the Brontë sisters. There had to be something.

The Search After Hapiness "little book" manuscript by Charlotte Bronte

My dissertation was on the search for happiness in the books of Charlotte, Emily and Anne as I found out Charlotte wrote a piece of juvenalia called The Search after Hapiness (sic), which has surprising similarities to Samuel Johnson's Rasselas. I found out immediately that there were no books or articles on the subject, using different combinations of search terms and synonyms. But my topic has few keywords to start with, just the authors' names and their works. I then turned to book chapters. Google Scholar was in its infancy back then, so there might have been more, but I wasn't able to find any reference to them. I've just done a search on the internet and even now, there isn't much, just a few unauthoritative blog posts. Finally, I found one small chapter on the relationship between the Brontës and Samuel Johnson, with a surprisingly cursory mention of Rasselas appearing in Jane Eyre. Luckily, it was in my university library. I did check Copac and Worldcat, as well as other local library catalogues, though it did rely on detailed subject headings, contents and descriptions. I also to my shame checked Amazon when the catalogues failed me to find more information on the book. It all worked out as my dissertation ended up at the Brontë museum at Haworth.

Themes from both case studies
You may not be able to find what you want, but you can find what you need with a little change of focus. Check more than the usual places, go further, think more openly about sources. Resource discovery can be trial and error, don't give up.

"Never give up, never surrender" Enrico Colantoni, from Galaxy Quest

Personal vs. professional
When you're looking for other people, for another's research, it adds more pressure. Professionally, I'm more dogged in my support, making sure I've looked everywhere. But that's if I have the time. When you have a student in front of you, sometimes they don't want perfection, they just want the top 5 databases to look at, authoritative or peer-reviewed sources, or just plain good enough. Using Ansley Stuart's tour guide metaphor, librarians don't need to give students all the facts, just the highlights. That helps me feel confident in my work. Personally, I look for perfection in my own research, which shows I'm more insecure. It can even lead me resorting to blogs, forums and social media. It can be time-consuming and exhausting, but thorough!

Reference
Stuart, A. (2019) "Embedded librarianship: the future of libraries." Library Journal, November 19. Available at: https://www.libraryjournal.com/?detailStory=embedded-librarianship-the-future-of-libraries (Accessed: 24 February 2020)

The Framework Five - Information Literacy regarding ebooks

From the post and the other readings, I've realised how much information literacy is a part of my life. Knowing the people behind Framework Five and who are likely to be creating the posts and tasks, where those people have come from and where they are now, I know how much authority lies behind it all. Looking at the CILIP definition of information literacy and seeing familiar names such as Emman Coonan and Jane Secker listed as authors, I know how much passion and experience has gone into it. Reading the article about firefighters has made me acknowledge how much of an information literate at heart I am, recognising myself in the author's definition. I rely on people to provide me with information rather than in print or electronically; I go to my brother for technological expertise and advice; I go to my Dad for help with fixing things; I go to my friend Chris for Doctor Who trivia. I suppose that is the simplest form of information literacy, knowing the knowledge and experience of others!

"It allows us to account for the actions and influences of others as information sources and to recognize the importance of accessing information from non-textual sources which give access to embodied or cultural sites of knowledge." p. 84, Lloyd (2005).

The most everyday form of information literacy is when other people ask you to help them, when they ask you questions about something. From what people tell me I'm the most knowledgeable about, I should write about ebooks for this task; I guess you could call me fluent in ebooks. It's not a natural language to learn and frustrating at times in its inconsistency, but it's a language I became fluent in out of necessity. I have written about ebooks before, many times: for academic purposes, for published articles and for work, and so I will again. If you're interested in reading those articles, they're on my LinkedIn page; five years old, the platforms have changed and some of the names, but the articles are unfortunately still very relevant.

The very wise Lao Tzu, my mantra for life

I think very critically about ebooks, so when I'm about to make a purchase, I take many things into consideration. I know ebooks are usually complementary to the printed book, unless a distance learner has requested the book and can't get hold of the physical book. It's about finding the balance between print and electronic books, having enough to cover the class or to serve the purpose, such as reading a chapter instead of the entire text. Several factors play a part in defining ebook fluency. My ebook information literacy is informed by years of experience, across multiple libraries, developing a rounded view of ebooks from the supplier, buyer and user perspectives.

You need to take into account the subject of the book and the publisher, as it increases efficiency in the task; I know which possible platform to go to first. I search by shortened title and author in case of changes according to edition. When I find what I'm looking for, I then have to understand the terminology of the ebook model and preferred format as they differ between suppliers, hence the inconsistency. Then I need to know who to send what to so it goes up on the catalogue for everyone to find.

Buying ebooks isn't the only part of this task. I both learned and shared my knowledge via the excellent community of librarians, imparting that knowledge to my team and other colleagues and presented it to peers: you can find the presentation, where the images in this post come from, on Slideshare. In the beginning, it was the legend Sarah Stamford who set me on the right path and then the amazing Jayne Kelly helped me continue my knowledge, encouraging and supporting me in maintaining and developing my fluency.

The ebook landscape is an inundated one

At first, at least for me, it was just one ebook supplier and then the task developed as new suppliers, platforms and models were brought in. It forced my fluency to adapt as it made the task longer and more complicated, so my information literacy had to develop, as well the need to advise others. I helped users to find, navigate and use ebooks yes, but I also wrote a series of posts to inform others about the state of the ebook industry and my experience as a librarian, along with the views of others. I ran sessions to teach others how to order ebooks and some of the FAQs and issues around them. Disappointingly, it turned into more of a checklist to follow, so I was keen to stress that this is the way I've done it, but find the way that works for you. That is true information literacy, being influenced by others, while also becoming literate enough to make it your own, not only finding, assessing and managing information, but also communicating it and becoming influential yourself.

The ebook landscape is a (hopefully) constantly developing area and the need to keep track of the changes is essential, most recently in terms of accessibility and DRM-free ebooks. It is necessary to anticipate the needs of others and where it will go in the future. My information literacy will have to evolve along with it. So once you have achieved fluency in a certain subject, skill or task, it doesn't mean it will always be that way. Complacency is the enemy to information literacy.

Reference
Lloyd, A. (2005) “Information Literacy: Different Contexts, Different Concepts, Different Truths?” Journal of Librarianship and Information Science, 37(2): pp. 82–88. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1177/0961000605055355. (Accessed: 13 February 2020).

My undoing

This is the hardest post I've ever had to write. I started it, but couldn't finish it. I've been emotional for more than two weeks. The reason? I left my job of 10 years. I’ve been drawing it out with a couple of secondments to different places in the University, but this time, it’s for good! It's so long and thanks for all the fish (I don't like fish).

Think this was during one of the conferences we held in the building. Photo credit: conference photographer

Being at Cambridge Judge Business School (CJBS) for so many years, seeing so many people leave and so many arrive, I never really believed there would come a time when it would be me saying goodbye. It’s a sign that I have been so happy, but it's also a massive change. However an opportunity that was too good to pass up came my way: a job in not just one, but two libraries I’ve always wanted to work for, have skills in and a fascination for the subject: Classics and Languages.

Dressed up to the 80s for the first work Christmas party, in my favourite colour

2009 seems such a long time ago, but trying to organise a team in my first week on the job for the 800th anniversary of the University of Cambridge celebratory University Challenge inter-department quiz seems like yesterday; our team lost in the first round to the Anglo Saxon Norse and Celtic department, but by a very close margin.

One of the many random things I had to do while at CJBS

So much has happened in the decade I've been working for CJBS, not least doing my second degree to become a certified librarian, two secondments to the Engineering and Homerton College libraries, being published in a professional publication, and speaking at a conference. On a personal level, being a bridesmaid twice and my nieces and nephews being born, moving out of home for the first time and moving house again, learning to drive, having a breakdown and being signed off work, finally getting a hold on my panic attacks and anxiety, two huge holidays (and numerous smaller ones), being diagnosed with a vestibular disorder which gives me vertigo, being diagnosed with endometriosis, film reviewing for community radio, and a lot of writing in a view to finally finishing the book in my head.

As Leela, for the space-themed Christmas party

I could only have managed to achieve and weather these significant life events with a secure grounding, at home yes, but also at work. I've been struggling with the change of job for that reason, not having the rock of CJBS any longer, though it has felt less of a rock recently. What's worse is that I've pulled the rug from under my own feet. But now life is feeling steadier again; I always adapt well to change, it's the anticipation that gets to me; I now feel able to finish this post.

Giving a presentation. Photo credit: camlibs

Cambridge Judge Business School has given me so much: my first permanent job after graduating from University; my vocation in life as a librarian; a chance to use my personal experience with mental health professionally as a Wellbeing Advocate which I can continue at the Faculty of Classics; and most importantly, friends for life. The attitude, community and atmosphere has made me feel I belong. To feel included is a wonderful thing. But I can't put it off any longer: to paraphrase Cecelia Ahern’s new book Postscript, just because saying goodbye is so hard isn’t a reason to stay.

Getting my staff recognition award. Photo credit: no doubt Dave Amann

Obviously this is an anxious time for me, with the uncertainty of what lies ahead utmost in the doubt I had about leaving. I must admit on the first day of my new job, I did think, "What have I done?" CJBS is a wondrous place. However this is mitigated by the places I've gone to to as I already know people, there is a great community around me, surrounded by lots of fantastic libraries and already knowing a lot of the software, processes and policies I've taken on. I've been reflecting on my reasons for leaving, which are numerous, questioning whether I've made the right decision; burnout is certainly in there; progression and development is a major factor; changes that have been made within the School, the team and to my job; and obviously the sheer number of years working there. I need new inspiration, to further my confidence and to find a new home knowing I'll always have this one to come back to.

Dressed up for my final work Christmas party in 2018

It made it so hard to leave, I felt so at home; it is a kind of grief, which I'm slowly coming out of now I've been in my new job for two weeks. But I took my leave in increments, telling certain people in person alone who I wanted to hear it from me, some were really positive, some were sad and one made me downright teary! It gave me the chance to show my appreciation and thank them for making my worklife better, easier and more fun. We don't tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, what their actions have done for us and what impact they have made on our lives. Being given the opportunity to do just that was a blessing. I hope it was as moving, uplifting and confidence-boosting for them as it was for me.

Another of the random things I had to do for CJBS, screenshot from a video filmed by Dave Amann (you can find the full video online if you know where to look (I'm not telling you!)

I'm not saying goodbye though as I'm going to stay in touch with many of the people, as you wish, even if it's just on Facebook, but I've not gone far, just down the road. Cambridge is such a small place, I'll bump into people, see them at events and on my commute to and from work. Now, bring me that horizon.

Cambridge Judge Business School e-luminate-d

P. S. I hope you found all my references in this post (Douglas Adams, The Princess Bride and Pirates of the Caribbean). The title for this post was taken from the document I wrote listing all the things I hold to take myself off of in terms of websites, databases, files, intranets, wikis and posters, as well as clearing out my desk, folders and any remnants of me that are left behind. I'm still doing it to this day! I literally have to delete myself.

The photo that is up on many of the University's pages. Photo credit: Sir Cam

NB: Parts of this post were shamelessly taken from the email I sent out to say I was leaving, crediting myself in case of self-plagiarism!

As a mummy for Comic Relief (yes, that is me in there)

Burnout and us

There has been a lot of talk recently about burnout, especially as it was reported as a medical condition, widely covered in the press, but the WHO term it as an occupational phenomenon. It has been a topic where I work and something I wish to tackle in my role as a wellbeing advocate for the University of Cambridge.

However I came across an article that has made me rethink burnout and how it's actually a more personal topic than I realised. I immediately bookmarked the article as it intimately resonated with me. Ignore the fact that it's on Buzzfeed; it's basically an academic article: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

It has made me realise that I'm suffering from burnout, a generational and contemporary problem apparently. It is why among my group of friends, acquaintances and Facebook community, it seems very few of us have settled down, got married and had children. Some of them are only just starting to at the age of 35. Those who are just coming round to that idea, after finally getting to a place in their careers where they feel stable, are made to reconsider bringing new life into a world with uncertain political situations, unstable global circumstances and the decline in the climate and the environment.

That is not only the way I feel, but also my mental health has prevented me from even getting close to a place where children might be a possibility. Add to that my physical health; a recent diagnosis of endometriosis, after a few years of an "unusual presentation" of symptoms and almost 20 years of symptoms I was unaware of, which I will write about at a later date once I've had a procedure and seen a specialist, might mean it's impossible anyway or at least more difficult.

Let's break the article down. I'll try and beware of sweeping statements, but I will ignore the exceptions. One statement to start with: burnout isn't necessarily a bad thing to our employers, our families and those we rely on, "our capacity to burn out and keep working is our greatest value."

Millennials
If you're born between 1981 and 1996, you're classed as a millennial whether you like it or not. We went through extensive exams, global terrorism, the financial crisis. We grew up with computers, mobile phones and then social media. We're the most connected generation, but this has made us feel unconnected. Millennials are "struggling to achieve the same standards of living as our parents, operating in psychological and physical precariousness, all while being told that if we just work harder, meritocracy will prevail, and we’ll begin thriving. The carrot dangling in front of us is the dream that the to-do list will end, or at least become far more manageable."

Life has become work
Our work-life balance is gone. "That’s one of the most ineffable and frustrating expressions of burnout: It takes things that should be enjoyable and flattens them into a list of tasks." Even when we're not working, we might be treating life like work; TV programmes we watch become a box-ticking exercise, life experiences are on a mental to-do list and relationships/friendships can be treated like goals. We feel guilty when we're not working, so we're always on call, always contactable: "burnout isn’t a place to visit and come back from; it’s our permanent residence."

Errand paralysis
The time-intensive, analog tasks with little reward, but necessary sit undone. I put it down to anxiety, procrastination and laziness, which I've been beating myself up over for a while now, especially as I hadn't been through my finances for months. I've been putting off tasks at work which have no deadlines. I moved house a few months ago and I've been getting my stuff in order in phases. It's made me feel inefficient, unproductive and unmotivated. It's made me feel less engaged with life.

Self-optimisation
Everything we do has to be efficient. We take the shortest routes, easiest options, multi-purpose products: convenience is key. We're our own promoters, showing our best selves on Instagram and Facebook, sharing opinions on Twitter and creating a personal brand on LinkedIn. However the things that are supposed to help like website optimisation, there's an app for that and electronic customer service, only make things worse.

Decision fatigue
Life is full of options, it's difficult to choose. We're bombarded with information and information overload has become the norm. Our attention is divided all the time. Just having our phone on our desk, email alerts and a social media tab open, is an unconscious diversion. We are not just experiencing information overload, but cognitive overload.

"Self-care isn’t a solution; it’s exhausting."
We know there's a problem, with the rise in mental health problems. Meditation, yoga, health apps, sleep trackers, Marie Kondo... "What is anxiety if not the condition of trying to live under these conditions?"

The solution
If you're reading this expecting a solution? There isn't one.

"You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.” You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique."

We have to understand that "it doesn’t feel hopeless. It’s not a problem I can solve, but it’s a reality I can acknowledge, a paradigm through which I can understand my actions."

The chronicles of Nadiya, anxiety and me

Anxiety and Me. Me and anxiety. It's strange seeing it written like that as for a long time, it was me vs. anxiety. However Nadiya's Anxiety and Me programme has given me new perspective on something I thought I knew everything about. I've been living with it long enough! Sometimes in my life, it was Anxiety with a capital letter as it felt like another being, a thing separate from me trying to take over. Sometimes anxiety felt like a permanent part of me, lurking in the background. But it's something that's always there, no matter how much a handle I have on it. The trick is not to treat it as a battle, not to be a victim suffering from it and not to look for a cure. It will always be anxiety and me.

Anxiety makes you feel crazy, you're not

This post has been prompted by watching Nadiya's programme, but it's not about her as a person, famous as the winner of The Great British Bake Off (GBBO), or about her work. I'm not going to go through reviewing everything she's done on Bake Off and beyond. Nadiya Hussain is an incredible person. I will get that out the way. I admire her. I loved her on GBBO. I have seen all she has done since or have it recorded to watch later. I had to call this post partly The Chronicles of Nadiya, as one of the first programmes she did after GBBO had that title and I thought it was genius. I hope she was the one to come up with it. I'm here to write about her most recent programme about anxiety.

Anxiety gives you tunnel vision

While I am not writing this post as a salutatory tribute to Nadiya Hussain, it will be salutatory as she has done incredible things all while living with crippling anxiety. It started when she was at school and despite all that, she has had an arranged marriage, fallen in love, had three children, was a contestant on a major TV show in Bake Off, won it, done numerous TV programmes and travelled the world. If you haven't seen Anxiety and Me, watch it: https://t.co/br19tfDwdq. It'll only take an hour of your life and there's still time left to watch it, but not long.

You are not alone

The reason I want you to watch it is it will give you an insight into what my life is like, at least sometimes. Nadiya is living my life of 10 or so years ago. It's shown me how far I've come, how much of an impact it had on all areas of my life and how strong I was back then, though I felt myself weak at the time and still do to some extent. It has also shown me things I didn't notice I do that are related to my anxiety; I've decided to own it as it will always be a part of me and because everyone's experience of anxiety is different.

Anxiety can make everything feel a bit much

I knew I had to be in the right mind, the right state and the right moment to watch it. I was right! There were moments where I felt uncomfortable, because of what was being shown and described, but also due to the revelations I was having. Watching Anxiety and Me did make me feel anxious at times as well. For some who aren't as far along in their recovery, it should come with a trigger warning, especially when Nadiya describes her symptoms and the bullying she went through.

It took me a while to write this as I didn't know what to focus on. Should I dwell on the similarities and differences between our experiences of anxiety? Should I cover the symptoms, the background or both? Should I talk about how I got through it and Nadiya's therapies? Each would be helpful and the more we talk about it, the more commonplace it will seem, allowing us to get past the stigma. Anxiety is a personal thing and everyone's experience is different, but there are commonalities.

Anxiety is not obvious to everyone else

The internet is great for the symptoms: try the NHS, Mind and Anxiety UK. I've written posts about the physical effects and history of therapies. But there is varying help on the internet and no self-help cure. A professional must be consulted, using a combination of methods. Locals to Cambridgeshire can get help by self-referring to the NHS's CPFT service, which was the breakthrough for me.

The first step is talking to someone about it, whether it's a family member, colleague, friend or a stranger if that's easier. If you've been living with anxiety for some time, been through therapy, medication and other methods, but you're still struggling like Nadiya, enough hasn't been done. It's hard when you're tired, but continue to force the issue. Anxiety isn't a battle, but getting help can be.

The spiralling thoughts of anxiety

What is important is that people like Nadiya sharing their stories help others, not only in terms of recognising their own mental health issues, and encouraging them to get help, but also showing how much you can achieve despite the difficulties. It's truly inspirational.

The programme and Nadiya are proof that mental health issues aren't down to weakness, they show strength. There's strength in living with anxiety and still continuing to live your life, hold down a job and maintain relationships.

Repeat it. Anxiety isn't weakness. Living with anxiety takes strength that many can't even imagine.

In the dark times, that makes for a great mantra.

What I do when having a panic attack

N.B. All the images in this post are copyright free taken from Unsplash and Pixabay. They are my favourites when I did a simple search for anxiety, but there are some terrible and downright shocking ones out there, so many stereotypes and tropes!

End of an era

Two things came to an end recently, the obvious one being Game of Thrones (GOT), but the other is no less significant. I'm lucky in that I've been born in a time where I've grown up with a few cultural constants in my life. My brothers were of the Star Wars generation, which at the time was a cultural revolution, no hyperbole involved. No one thought it could happen again, but it did. I was the Lord of the Rings generation, which was extended with The Hobbit films. I much prefer being in this generation as, for a start, they are far better written! They became another cultural touchpoint. But arguably, both of these franchises have been far surpassed by the MCU (Marvel Comic Universe) generation. I may have been an adult by that time, but comics hark back to childhoods and the geeks had by now inherited the earth, when they were sneered at with Star Wars. Now there is the Game of Thrones generation. It may be a TV series rather than a film series, and there are quite a few cultural constants of that kind which escaped the echo chamber of their audiences such as Doctor Who, Lost and 24, but it has had a far reaching impact, not Harry Potter level impact though, mainly because children can't watch it!

The Dark Hedges, Northern Ireland

Cultural constants, cultural phenomenons, cultural touchpoints, whatever you want to call them are important because they become the through-line of our lives. Cultural constants have to surpass their viewers, meaning even people, the general populous, who don't watch it or even engage with it know more than they want to about it. Today, they become memes. This may seem frivolous, but it means they have been taken out of context, while remaining an in-joke for those in the know, and they have become a wider phenomenon. When you literally grow up with something or it becomes the background to a major period in your life, your attachment to it is permanently embedded. There is a longer post in this.

Map of Westeros

Attachment to cultural constants mean it's all the more painful when they come to an end. When pop bands split up, young people sob in the streets because it's like a rug being pulled from under you, a rock has been taken away, the foundations removed that you had been unconsciously relying on. Even years afterwards, when you thought you had moved on from it all, you can still be affected by it. For instance, when Stephen Gately from Boyzone died, I was very emotional for days. I hadn't listened to one of their songs since I was a teenager when I listened to their albums on repeat, but with his death, it felt like a piece of my childhood had gone with him.

Jon Snow Pop! Vinyl figurine

The difference with Star Wars, the MCU and Game of Thrones is they will continue, in a different guise of course in the form of prequels, sequels with new characters, books, TV series and on to a new phase. Allowing the audience the time to theorise, to talk amongst themselves, to band together created a cultural juggernaut in Game of Thrones as it ensured they could experience something collectively, even if it's online. Online communities are powerful in creating an upswell in audience loyalty, just ask Supernatural fans. When that series comes to an end after 15 seasons next year, I'm sure I will have to release my feelings as the fans have become family, as well as the awesome cast.

The Evenstar pendant

Talking about releasing feelings, I was still at school when the first Lord of the Rings film came out and I was in the grip of crippling anxiety. I had a panic attack during the moment the hobbits were being sniffed out hiding under a tree. I take it as a blessing in disguise as it was my friend's birthday; I wouldn't have gone out of choice. I read the books, saw The Fellowship of the Ring at home on DVD and went to the cinema the next year to see The Two Towers as a hardcore fan and had no panic attack as I knew what was coming, even though it was darker. I wear the evenstar pendant every day to symbolise my proud geekdom. As one film came out every year at Christmas, it became tradition, adding to the affection of its audience. With The Hobbit films, that was continued and had an in-built fanbase, not least because there was a returning director and returning actors, screenwriters and crew. No wonder New Zealand has become such a popular destination; it feels like home to so many.

Hobbit house

However those trilogies only lasted 3 years each. The MCU films officially started in 2003 with the first Iron Man film and through 23 films have ended, that phase at least, with The Avengers: Endgame, spanning 16 years. This is a major period in anyone's life. The characters appeared in each other's films, all reuniting in The Avengers films and one Captain America film. This adds to the feeling of connection. It also spawns the need to see and know everything; the difference between one or two people staying after the credits of the first films to see tiny, often funny, inessential sequences, to the latter films where practically everyone stayed, was tremendous. What was even better were the through-lines throughout all the films: the in-jokes, continuity sequences, repeated quotes, background references and recurring minor characters. These rewarded loyal viewers. Two such characters got their own TV series: Agent Carter for Peggy and Agents of SHIELD for Phil Coulson, even bringing him back from the dead. The fan affinity for these people generated such a reaction, they created the environment where it was untenable if they weren't seen again. This habit was paramount in the Endgame finale with them going back in time to see the previous films from another angle, quite literally. It was like a greatest hits, a reunion concert and farewell tour all in one.

Stan Lee RIP

Everything has to end and we do have to say farewell, but that doesn't mean it's forever. As cultural institutions have such a big impact, they stay in memories and can be recalled for a nostalgia fix or by rewatching. But they won't be new. That is why when they return, decades after in Star Wars', Indiana Jones' and Doctor Who's cases, it is a big thing, unless they alienate their audience like George Lucas did with the remastering of the original Star Wars trilogy and the much maligned prequels and the terrible Crystal Skull Indy film. The Hobbit trilogy had its naysayers, but ultimately it was a success and didn't ruin the legacy of The Lord of the Rings. Game of Thrones has alienated at least some of its fans, which may impact the prequel series. To me, the GOT finale was satisfying though. They must have a soothsayer on their payroll, knowing what people would say about the final season and not only justify, but affectionately mock the shortcomings. It seemed to address all the criticisms the season and especially the penultimate episode incited, explaining Dany's actions, proving Arya's power, punishing Jon's weakness, validating Bran's status and even showing compassion to Ghost, while concluding the others' storylines. As Tyrion put it, “No one is very happy, which means it's a good compromise."

San Juan de Gaztelugatxe, Bakio

So, will something else come along to take over our lives and become another cultural phenomenon that we will forever remember? Never say never. They have been happening for as long as national communication has been capable. I'm sure Shakespeare had a major impact in his time, but if social media had existed, think how much further his reach would have been. Charles Dickens was the talk of the nation when his work was serialised in periodicals. But in the age of intangible, ephemeral communication, I wonder if today's cultural touchpoints will have as lasting an impact.

Mental health and physical health

I feel like a fraud. It's taken me this long to write a post for Mental Health Awareness Week as I found out last weekend that my mental health problems stem not just from one chronic illness that causes my physical symptoms, but now two. I know I shouldn't blame all of my mental health problems on my physical health, but they play a significant part.

It is true that sometimes it's difficult to know where physical health and mental health start and end. Which is the chicken and which is the egg? For me, I question whether the physical health problems I didn't know I had caused the anxiety, or if the anxiety was there already. What a lot of people don't realise is the sheer gamut of physical symptoms mental health problems can cause. I've made a list at the end of this post of those I've experienced, differentiating between anxiety and panic attacks.

However my anxiety issues started, they are here to stay. They can be situational such as when I have to teach, go on a date, or travel by plane. They can be due to memories such as seeing a person who reminds me of bad times, songs that evoke negative emotions or anything that brings up when I was bullied at school. They can also be muscle memory as anything that increases my heart rate, gives me butterflies in my stomach or affects my breathing can bring on anxiety as my body equates those functions with an attack. Exercise can be problematic and I avoid being overly excited.

I have chronicled my vestibular problem before and the moments of seemingly random out of the blue vertigo started at a similar time to my panic attacks, which lead to generalised anxiety (GAD). However, after almost three years of again seemingly random out of the blue gut problems, which I initially dismissed as caused by my anxiety, then possibly by a tropical holiday, then by my diet, then by something more sinister, then dismissed as IBS, it turns out they're caused by endometriosis, which can cause dizziness and anxiety, along with other mental health problems. I was passed around the hospital, visiting many different departments, with frequent tests, procedures and treatments over those years; some were disruptive and some were downright disturbing, but I got to know how amazing the NHS is far more than I have ever done.

That said, when you have a history of mental health problems, no matter how great the system is, you will come across people, from the most harried of GPs to the most senior of consultants, who take one look at your medical record and write your symptoms off as psychosomatic or just another manifestation of anxiety. However I knew there was something wrong. I knew my body. That is one of the upsides of having a mental health problem, you become very self-aware, hyperaware almost. I'm an introvert and highly sensitive, so it's more pronounced for me. That's why I love that there's a move to rebrand hypochondria as health anxiety. So any change, yes you question whether it's just another anxiety symptom, but after living with anxiety for half my life at that stage, I knew it wasn't. Apart from the sudden onset and the fact that I was in the best place with my anxiety than I had ever been due to undergoing cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), I knew the effects of anxiety inside and out; I had lived through the vast majority of them right up to and including a mental breakdown.

So I had to fight, just like I had to fight for my vestibular diagnosis. I wish I didn't have to, but I'm lucky that I haven't experienced as much of the stigma towards mental health as I know others have. Every test they did, there was a valid reason to do it and every time it came back negative, equivocal or there was no improvement, I forced the issue. That's why it took so long, they had to rule out a tropical disease with blood and stool tests, a parasite by sending samples to a special centre, coeliac disease with more tests, food allergies and intolerances with elimination diets, something more sinister with endoscopies, via a leftfield nuclear medicine scan until finally I had the third MRI of my life, which revealed the problem. I could have given up, but the doubters, including me at times, were wrong, my concerns had been validated and once more my perseverance has been justified.

Everything is interconnected and the endometriosis, which with hindsight has been causing increasing severity in my period-related symptoms over the years, but, in medical terminology, has an unusual presentation because the gynecological symptoms aren't significant and the gut problems are far worse. The only pattern, not dietary, not regular and certainly not serious, but still affecting my quality of life, was that time of the month. It is another cog in the wheel of understanding my gradually worsening health where it feels like my body is beginning to fail me and there's no cure, just management. The not knowing, the uncertainty was unbearable, but a diagnosis, that I can live with.

TRIGGER WARNING, these symptoms aren't pretty, but I don't get most of them anymore:

Anxiety:

• Weakened immune system leading to colds and bugs
• Lack of energy and motivation
• Lack of concentration due to racing and spiralling fixating thoughts
• Dizziness
• Breathlessness and shallow breathing
• Muscle tension meaning diarrhoea, constipation and stomach cramps
• Muscle tension leading to pain in the shoulders, neck, back and jaw
• Dental pain due to clenching of the jaw
• Headaches
• Nausea
• Restless legs, jitters and fidgety behaviour, including eye twitching
• Food cravings, usually sugar
• Loss of appetite
• Sudden need to pass water
• Intense thirst
• Sweating, including night sweats
• Hypersensitivity of the skin
• Sleeplessness and insomnia
• Hot flushes
• Reliance on distractions such as TV and alcohol

Panic attacks, in order of occurrence:

1. Hyperventilation (but you don't realise)
2. Pins and needles, usually in the extremities, but starting in the nose
3. Feeling of handcuffs around the wrists
4. Wind: burping and farting
5. Bodily functions stop such as sneezing, digestion and oxygen to the extremities
6. Tight chest so it feels like you can't breathe
7. Heart palpitations so it feels like you're having a heart attack
8. Hot flushes so severe you start to take your clothes off
9. Claustrophobia so you have to take anything constricting off including your bra and jewellery
10. Self-harming through pinching to relieve the pain inside
11. Vertigo meaning severe nausea
12. Throwing up
13. Shaking
14. The need to be as low to the ground as possible, usually on the floor
15. Can't take in food or liquid as throat closes off
16. Severe tension in limbs so you can't move
17. Severe tension in the jaw so you can't speak
18. Need to have people around, but not liking to be touched
19. Feeling of impending doom
20. Whiteout where you lose your vision and feel like you're going to faint

Afterwards I get thirsty but can only sip, the shakes, cold chills, diarrhoea and severe fatigue. That's the adrenaline comedown. It's good to feel the cold as that's the first sign I'm coming out of it. The next day I feel hungover and I often find bruises where I've unconsciously pinched myself.

They say you can't pass out due to a panic attack, but I beg to differ, particularly when they're this severe. Also, they say they only last 15 minutes, which may be true, but you can have another straight afterwards; I had panic attacks all day every day for almost a week which came in waves and left my legs black and blue as I had been pinching them so much. I wish I'd taken a photo so people can see, but also not as it could encourage self-harming and it was that shocking, I don't want to remember.

However writing posts like this is important as it not only helps others understand their own mental health conditions and if I help just one person, then that's a success, but it also shows me how far I've come, what I've lived through and how strong I can be. Some days I need that.