This post is for all nervous travellers and those thinking about visiting Southeast Asia or have already been there, as well as my friends and family and people who have been following my recent holiday on Facebook! It's like a mini tour guide or guidebook and a review of the places we went, my impressions uncoloured by others' opinions or from official guidebooks; I just checked I was spelling place names correctly. Scroll down if you want to see the pretty pictures.
So, I've just come back from a holiday of a lifetime. I say that as I don't envisage doing anything like it again. I may fly long haul again, but I won't want to travel as much during a holiday. I took 8 separate flights and 2 separate boats in 3 weeks and that was just the transfers between places; I also took more boat trips when in the islands. The world is not small after all, I can quite assure you. All our flights went well, apart from an hour's delay on a local airline, which is a miracle really!
One of the many flights we took
I hate travelling, it's probably down to my balance problem because it totally knocks my equilibrium out. It can be because of any form of transport, from the many boats and plane journeys I made, or can be down to tiredness, dehydration and heat. Whatever the cause, I woke up every day of the holiday, fearing that this would be the day. But it never happened. However it's been knocked out now after all the travelling home and I've had to take a day off work because of the vertigo, more than a week after I got back. Hopefully the exercises I have to do will get it back soon as it's affecting my eye concentration, balance and sleep. It's a shame because I love seeing new places. The sooner they invent a Star Trek-like transporter, or people develop the ability to teleport, jump or apparate, the better. However, this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. My eldest brother is working in Manila on secondment, initially for 15 months, but now until July 2017. He was really keen for us to visit, but we said no. However he worked on us, persuaded us and kind of wore us down. I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I'm glad he did. I haven't said it enough, thanks brother!
For me though, it almost didn't happen. Even the inoculations made me anxious: boosters for hepatitis, tetanus, typhoid and 3 rabies injections. The weekend before, I had a sickness bout of I don't know what, it could even have been caused by my anxiety which isn't unheard of. It knocked my confidence, unsettled my system, ruined my equilibrium and brought on my first anxiety attack in years. Fearful of destroying another holiday (I had severe vertigo when we visited Bruges a few years ago, unknowingly caused by all the travelling we did by car, and it brought on a nervous breakdown where I couldn't eat or sleep and was signed off work by the doctor when I got home), I sought medical advice, which I think was wise. I got diazepam and heavy duty motion sickness pills from the doctor, as a crutch; I never intended to use them. However the anxiety from the illness I had built until the morning we were leaving and I basically said I'm not going and was well on my way to a panic attack. I couldn't understand why I thought I could go so far and on such a big holiday, not with my history of anxiety. Why was I doing this to myself? I was severely doubting my sanity. So I took a pill and calmed down enough to take it one step at a time. I took another pill on the plane, another pill so I could sleep the first night in Manila as I was struggling and didn't take a single pill after that. I kept them with me always though, on me or nearby, just in case. I amazed myself.
This is what kept me sane on the planes
Anticipation is my downfall, once we were on the holiday, there in Asia, I did my usual thing; shameful of showing such weakness, bringing myself so low, I threw myself headlong into the next thing, usually it's cleaning, work or family life, but this time I had a whole new culture, new landscape and new experiences to take on. I'm proud of myself and my brother was too. He singled me out as one of his highlights of the holiday, my attitude mainly, as well as seeing a seahorse. As much as I could, I looked after my nephew, bonded with my just about to walk baby niece and tried to see as much as I could.
The Philippines is a beautiful place, we didn't see much of the main island or Manila, which is a crazy metropolis, particularly the traffic with its motos, jeepneys and tricycles. We island hopped, which was wonderful.
Bali is also fantastic, but more touristy. We didn't see the whole coast of Bali, but being inland and up in the rainforest certainly helped with the heat and for seeing the true island and islanders, away from the surfers, foreign-style resorts and crowds. I'll list what we did and where we went in a moment, I just want to give you some advice first for if you're ever in the area. Those of you who have been may find this familiar.
A jeepney
1. Read the guidebook. I didn't beforehand through fear and anxiety, which miffed my brother, but also through laziness as my sister-in-law and brother had done a lot of the organising already; as soon as we knew we were going, I bought the guide books and started to read them, but it freaked me out. Trailfinders were invaluable in helping us plan the Bali part of our holiday. I thought by ignoring it, I could cope better, but with hindsight, I probably made the fear worse by burying my head in the sand. I would've got a whole lot more out of the holiday if I had read about the place. I rectified it once I'd settled and certainly did when it came to Bali.
2. It's a long way, so if you can afford it, go business class. They really look after you, it'll take much of the stress out of airports, you'll be able to sleep on the plane (hopefully; even with ear plugs, an eye mask and a flat bed, the vibration was too much for me), the entertainment is brilliant (we flew Emirates) and they'll take you to the airport and bring you home too. You'll feel like a true jetsetter.
Business class on the biggest passenger plane in the world, the A380
3. Allow for extra time at the airports as security is extremely tight in The Philippines and even more so in Indonesia; they check your flight information before you enter the airport, so make sure you have something printed out, they scan your bags as you go through, checking for weapons, and they scan your bags at every available opportunity as well, and in Indonesia, they also scan your bags after you arrive; Indonesia and Malaysia are very strict looking for drugs. You will see armed guards everywhere, so you'll feel very safe or nervous, depending how you are.
4. Leave at least a day after travelling to recover. Even if you can avoid the jetlag (by adopting the time zone as soon as possible), travelling is tiring. You may have a delayed reaction, it hitting you days after, which is fun.
At Dubai airport, trying and failing to sleep
5. Use suntan lotion. The sun is more powerful near the equator. If you go snorkelling, wear a rash vest. The vest may be uncomfortable out of water, but once you're in the sea, you'll be thankful for it. Don't rush to take it off afterwards too as it'll keep you cool. Also, for reef snorkelling, wear sea shoes; I saw lots of long-spined sea urchins, very painful without shoes.
6. Stay in the shade as much as possible, you won't be able to cope with the direct sunlight for very long. It's not a place for sunbathing, unless you can handle it or are a real sun worshipper.
7. Take water with you everywhere. I used a flask with a carabiner so I could just latch it on to my bag. The best hotels will give you complimentary bottles of water, which they replenish for free when they're empty. The restaurants should give you water too at the start of the meal, if they don't, ask for it; you'll need it even if it's not straightaway.
8. Use toilet paper sparingly, or flush twice as it's very easy to clog the toilets up. Very inconvenient!
9. Mosquito repellent is essential, citronella is a natural alternative and smells nice too. The resorts fumigate every day, but it's fighting a losing battle though as you're going to get bitten. Take a first aid kit with you with antihistamine cream and anti inflammatories in case you get a reaction.
10. Brush your teeth with bottled water, better to be safe than make your stomach sorry. This will be a hard habit to break when you get back.
11. Mind hawkers, they are cunning, not malicious, they just ask you your name, give you theirs, ask you your nationality and from that information they customise their targeting. Don't fall for their guilt trip as I almost did. Haggle, even in shops and not just markets and roadside/street sellers: halve what they ask for and work from there. Keep English coins with you as they seem to collect foreign currency.
Durian fruit
12. You'll eat well, I'm not talking about quantity of food, but the kind of food, but only if you eat the local dishes. Don't go for the Western options, not least, other than in the best places, they don't know how to make it so well. Not only is Southeast Asian food amazing, but you may also lose weight: I lost half a stone. It's based around rice, noodles and seafood. That said, the Filipinos love their desserts, the Balinese less so, but they love their coconuts. Things to try, the fruit, for a fruit-lover, I was in heaven: durian (a local delicacy like nothing else you've ever tasted, you'll see it everywhere, a spikey yellow/green pineapple type thing, nice as ice cream, see it above), snake fruit (has peel like snake skin, looks like garlic, tastes like lychee), dragon fruit (the famous looking purple/red fruit, see below) and if you can find it, ube in The Philippines. Also in The Philippines, try calamansi juice; it's very refreshing (the fruit looks like a lime/lemon hybrid). In Bali, try betutu, the meat can be chicken (ayam) or duck (bebek), but any way you choose, it's absolutely delicious.
Dragon fruit
13. It's a completely different culture and climate, so immerse yourself. When I came back, someone said I hope the holiday doesn't seem like a dream already. But actually home felt like the dream. It took days of being back in England for the world not to seem surreal. It wasn't until I cycled home on my first day back at work that it felt like reality again.
14. Keep your eyes peeled, you never know what you might see, from geckos to monkeys, from beetles to birds, from jeepneys to tricycles. If you're a photographer, take your camera wherever you go, just in case. I learned the hard way.
The takay gecko
15. Both cultures are heavily influenced by The US. So speak in American such as rest rooms for toilets etc. In big cities, you'll see Westernised restaurants, such as Hard Rock Cafe style.
The Philippines:
16. While the temperatures don't change all that much, the humidity does and you may want to avoid the wet season too. We went in March and the temperatures were around 32-35 degrees, more so in the city. It's cooler in the islands.
17. They may look unsafe, but a ride in a tricycle is a great experience. They're cheap and cheerful and you'll feel more a part of the world than if cosseted in an air-conditioned taxi. You can fit four people in one tricycle quite comfortably!
The tricycle
18. More so than Bali, the people are friendly, welcoming and happy to help. So ask if you want something, even if it's not on the menu or if you feel that you shouldn't be asking it, try, they're more than happy to help.
Bali:
19. Take a sarong with you everywhere, you never know when you're going to see a temple and you can't enter them, men and women, without a sarong covering your knees. The biggest and most touristy temples will loan you one as part of your ticket, but some temples, especially the free ones, may not provide them and plus you can choose your own rather than one you're given which may clash with your outfit!
Me at a local village temple
20. Regarding temples, check for local festivals. It may make them a great deal busier, but you will see a slice of daily life you may never get to see again. We lucked out as we visited a holy water temple on a big festival day.
21. If you must visit the monkey temples and/or forests, we didn't, be careful. The monkeys can be very cheeky if not aggressive. Don't have food with you and hold on to your glasses, sun or otherwise, cameras, phones, jewellery and other loose items.
My favourite of my Alila monkey photos
22. Bali = you're a millionaire! When I went, it was 18,000 rupiah to the pound. So remember any prices, add three 0s to the end and when you take any rupiah out of the ATM machines, you may not be taking as much money out as you think...
23. Be careful where you walk as there are religious offerings of food and flowers in little parcels everywhere, usually on the pavements outside homes and businesses. Even though they are easily stepped on, it's respectful to avoid them.
So here's where we went:
Taal Volcano: We took it easy travelling down from Manila and stopped off for lunch in Tagaytay, which is above Lake Taal. Josephine has lovely food and a great view, but avoid traditional lunch times as it is set up for coach parties. It's where I had my first drink out of a coconut. If you want to stay and/or eat somewhere snazzier, there's the Taal Vista Hotel. The road down to Talisay, where you get the boat to the volcano, is not for the faint-hearted; it's very twisty-turny and steep. Right from the start, you'll realise that everyone is out to get as much money as they can get from tourists, which is fair enough. So see my advice above: haggle prices. Bangkas are the traditional boats you'll see everywhere and what you need. One took us on the journey across Lake Taal. NB: the volcano you could climb is the bigger one, it's not the small volcano. The climb is arduous, but worth it to see the crater lake. You can take a horse ride up and you may get a guide thrown in. Avoid the heat of the day, unlike us; it's at about 2pm. Keep your mouth closed too as the path is very volcanic dusty. Take as many breaks as you can; there are shelters for the purpose sporadically on the path and carry water, and/or money to buy drinks, coconut or watermelon on the way. Don't worry if you feel like you're going to throw up, have a heart attack and die at the top, like I did. Be prepared for your face to look very red in any photos!
Me at the crater lake
Intramuros: When travelling around Manila, you never know what the traffic is going to be like, jeepneys, motos and tricycles, along with the usual cars snarl up the roads. Air conditioning was essential for us, especially as Manila is several degrees hotter than the islands, cities always are. Give in to it as road rage is useless and traffic jams are a fact of life here; hawkers are well prepared for them. On our way to Intramuros, we got caught up in a senatorial, or maybe even presidential motorcade which closed off the road for a little while. It was election time though. Our driver, actually my brother's personal driver, dropped us off at Manila Cathedral. It's been rebuilt many times, fires and earthquakes have levelled it, but most recently it was the war which destroyed it. Worth seeing just for its history, if not the building itself.
Manila Cathedral
We then got a calesa ride, which we just had to do, around the old town, stopping off at San Agustin Church. The only building that survived the war, it's a beautiful place, with a stunning ceiling. Spend some time here and take it in.
San Agustin Church
Bohol: Easy to get to, you can fly to the island straight from Manila via PAL or Cebu, we had no problems with either airline really, a minor delay once. Bohol airport is tiny though.
Tarsiers: Straight off the plane, we went on a tour around the sights of Bohol. We had to take a detour though as my Dad lost his wallet and had to cancel his cards, but we still had plenty of time to get round everything, after getting up unfeasibly early to catch our plane. Bohol is famous for its tarsiers. Make sure you go to the sanctuary I've linked to and not the place that abuses the animals; loud noises and human contact can stress a tarsier out so much it dies. They're akin to bush babies, very hard to spot and look like adorable gremlins. The sanctuary has spotters pointing out the tarsiers to you while also making sure you don't get too close.
A tarsier
Loboc River: For lunch, we went on a cruise! Everyone in The Philippines seems to be able to sing and/or dance, so beware of karaoke if you go on the boat. Iced tea is bottomless and on every menu at every restaurant throughout The Philippines and Bali, in many flavours. The food on the boat was good and it was very peaceful, people-watching the locals who live by the river, until people got up to sing and dance that is!
The Loboc River
Chocolate Hills: Called chocolate because of their colour, not their contents I'm afraid... No one really knows how these hills were created. Myths surrounding them involve solidified tears, warring giants and incontinent carabaos! The lookout point and visitor buildings were still being repaired after the recent(ish) earthquake when we were there, so you may not have fantastic sight lines, but just from the car park you get great views. For a unique experience of something you can't see anywhere else, the chocolate hills are a must-see if you're in Bohol.
The Chocolate Hills
Bohol Beach Club: We stayed in a 5-star resort; for the same price as an average hotel here, you can get the best accommodation in The Philippines. We called it BBC for short, a touch of home at the far side of the world. The resort is perfect for children and older people too, so a real family resort. The beach is stunning with hammocks and white coral sand. The restaurant and bar are superb with great food and lovely staff; the breakfast buffet offers a good choice of local and international options, but doesn't change that much apart from the fruit and cake. The grounds are lovely and the swimming pool is just what you need. The resort is set in Panglao, an island just off Bohol; you can get across via a bridge. But it makes a great base for visiting places and to come back to and relax. Use reception as they can book your trips, transfers and taxis. I know my Mum could have stayed at BBC quite happily all holiday, but then we wouldn't have seen a lot of the wonderful places we did.
The beach at BBC
Bohol Bee Farm: Nearby, you will find Bohol Bee Farm. The farm has a fabulous restaurant with amazing food; it's made from home-grown ingredients and is very fresh. The setting is beautiful, looking over the sea. There is a shop full of handmade products and even ice cream; try the durian flavour, I dare you.
The view from Bohol Bee Farm's restaurant
Balicasag: The island itself is not much, with just about satisfactory food and unsatisfactory amenities. But the reef and marine reserve just off the shore are worth the discomfort. It's all about the snorkelling. They will say you need a boat to get to the reserve, it's probably swimmable, but the boatmen make for great spotters; we may not have seen our first turtle without ours. It was a magical experience as we saw it through the sun rays cutting through the gloom. All the boatmen are great with kids and helping you in and out of the bangkas.
Balicasag
Virgin Island: On our way back from Balicasag, we stopped off at Virgin Island, or so they called it. Ever since I saw David Attenborough standing on a sand bank in the middle of the ocean, I've wanted to do the same. I'm sure some film character had a romantic dinner on one too. The island was an enchanted place, surrounded by sand-sifting sea stars and peppered with a few mangrove trees. There were still hawkers around, though easily avoidable thank goodness.
Virgin Island
Siquijor: We got a boat from Bohol to the island, or you can fly to and from Dumaguete to Manila and get a boat from there.
Coco Grove: No superlative could sum this place up. A 5-star resort again, but where BBC is easy, Coco is more rustic and all the better for it. The spectacular sunsets are worth it alone, but there are 3 pools, our favourite was our nearest as it has a pool bar. There are 2 restaurants, Salamandas for more formal dining and Sunset right on the beach, which I preferred. The breakfast is limiting as it's a la carte, but still good. My brother would order you to try the chocolate cheesecake. There's also a shop, but if you go to try anything on, check the changing room first as I didn't, but luckily the shop lady did and found a not insignificant-sized crab in there which she got rid of with a broom! I did say to take a camera everywhere you go as you never know where and when you'll come across the wildlife. I learned the hard way and missed taking a photo of it before the staff took it away to no doubt eat. Again, use the reception staff as they offer tours and activities. There's a range of accommodation, we treated ourselves to the best: the villas which were on 2 floors with a mezzanine ensuite bedroom and a jacuzzi in the bathroom! Coco has a hotel too. I can highly recommend the cultural night which included a huge buffet barbecue and excellent professional traditional dancers. The resort has off shoots, at Apo Island for instance and transport, such as a jeepney which picked us up from the harbour, air-conditioned cars, boats and even its own luxury yacht! I haven't even mentioned the beach, which is white coral sand, great for rock pooling and looking for tiny crabs at night with a torch. But the best part about the beach is the reef just off shore; go at high tide though as it can get very shallow and full of urchins to stand on. We saw a sea horse in the reedy part and a variety of corals and fish on the actual reef.
A Coco Grove sunset from a hammock
Apo Island: There were moments that challenged me and my anxiety. While I didn't get any flare-ups, it wasn't for the lack of opportunity. The reason why I avoided anxiety was because I could recognise possible danger situations and got myself out of them. The boat trip to and from Apo Island was one of those situations. So instead of being with my family and helping with the kids, I took myself off outside to the front of the boat so I could see the horizon, a key thing when avoiding sea sickness. I felt very selfish, but it was necessary so I could combat the motion sickness and therefore the vertigo and anxiety. It turned out to be one of my favourite moments of the whole holiday, alone and at one with the sea, seeing flying fish disturbed by the boat gliding across the water, and having heart-to-hearts with my eldest brother who came to check up on me every now and again.
The reason to go to Apo is for the turtle sanctuary and the huge reef. You can literally swim with turtles, guides go with you to help you spot them. We had lunch at Coco's much much more rustic sister resort on Apo, on a beach which also had great reef snorkelling and a fantastic drop-off. The reef they took us to afterwards though was amazing, a lot deeper than any other snorkelling granted, but we saw turtles again, woke one up in fact, more in the wild than in the sanctuary, a stunning array of corals and numerous fish which I had never seen before, even with all the nature programmes I watch.
Apo Island
Shell museum: This tiny but lovingly created shell museum is packed full of rare and not so rare shells; some we recognised from the beach. It won't take long to go around and is basically in someone's home! There is a shop with souvenirs and shells to buy too. It's not suitable for unattended small children as there's lots to pick up.
Cambugahay Falls: There are many steep steps leading down to this series of waterfalls, but it merits the effort. Locals use it for rope swinging and bathing, but despite the crowds, it's extremely beautiful. It can be a pick pocketing hotspot though, so hold on to your belongings. Walking around to see all the cascades was a little tricky for me and my balance issues, but with my brother's hand I managed it okay. There are quieter sections so you should explore all the falls.
Cambugahay Falls
St. Isidore Church: I love buildings that have seen better days, that are neglected and forgotten. However this church may look dilapidated, but it is well used. The details are very pretty and the wooden floor is original. The Philippines is heavily influenced by its Spanish heritage and the islands and their people are conspicuously Roman Catholic. There's also a convent school across the road from the church.
St Isidore Church
Balete tree: Apart from the natural foot spa, complete with fish to clean your feet, there's no reason to see this tree as there are balete, or banyan, trees everywhere. The one below is in our resort on Bali that was made into a temple! These trees are a sight to behold though with their aboveground roots, great height and numerous trunks.
The banyan (balete) tree in Segara Resort
Bali: Needs no introduction. We left my eldest brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece behind and set off on our own.
Alila: Best place we stayed in bar none, maybe ever, which is saying something this holiday. The whole resort is set in the tropical rainforest at the top of a ravine. You have to go through rice terraces to even get to it. Monkeys (long-tailed macaques) are daily visitors, plus the wildlife is exceptional. There are sounds of cicadas and frogs at night. I saw insects that were subjects of nature documentaries and one I didn't even understand. It was difficult for my Mum though as there are many many steps and it's not so safe for children as there are vertiginous unprotected drops being so high up. Plus the food, apart from in the bar, isn't child friendly. They are very environmentally conscious, everything is recyclable, and don't give you anything you don't need, so you have to request things like a TV. The staff are second to none, the food is healthy but interesting and the best breakfast we've ever had changes every day and you can eat all you want off the menu. The accommodation is fantastic; the rooms we had featured an outside bathroom with waterfall shower and a huge bathtub. Don't worry, the toilet and sink are indoors. As it's a spa resort, it's quiet, relaxing and the food is good for you. I haven't even covered the breathtaking infinity pool which literally overlooks the ravine and if you're lucky as we were, you can watch the macaques playing in the tree next to it. You can see plantain squirrels while you have your breakfast. It's a animal lover's paradise. The resort has a free shuttle bus which takes you into Ubud, the nearby town. It also has a suite of luxury air-conditioned cars, complete with chauffeur/extremely knowledgeable guide to take you to where you want to go. And it's all not as expensive as you might think. I will never ever forget the place; it's special.
Alila's infinity pool
Rice terraces: We spent a whole day going to all the places below, then another day we took the shuttle into Ubud before we went on to Sanur. The rice terraces at Tegalalang we went to were incredibly touristy, but do more investigating than we did and I'm sure you can find some quieter terraces as they are everywhere. They're to be seen to be believed. Photos don't do them justice.
Tegalalang, one of many rice terraces
Holy water temple, Pura Tirta Empul: There are temples quite literally in every village. Homesteads have their own temples to honour their ancestors and each community has three temples, dedicated to Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. The religion is unique as, while it's based on Hinduism, it also incorporates elements of Buddhism. One of the largest temples was built around a volcanic spring, which is classed as sacred holy water. We didn't know at the time, but when we visited, it was during a festival and everyone was coming to bathe in the water. There are a series of fountains which people stand under, each helps with a different problem such as nightmares. We had a very informative guide, and that's an understatement, with us who could tell us all we wanted to know and more. It was quite an experience.
Me at the holy water temple, photo taken by my brother
Coffee plantation: We went as part of an all-day trip and didn't think much of this on the itinerary before we went. However the coffee plantation was free to visit and not only do they grow coffee there, but lots of other things besides such as fruit and aloe vera. They make Luwak coffee, which is made from coffee beans fermented in the stomach of a civet cat. It's very expensive and sought after despite its disgusting-sounding provenance. You can try their teas and coffees for free, but if you want to try that coffee, you have to pay understandably. While the place is free, they do get you to go round the shop and you feel obliged to buy something. That's no hardship as they have wonderful things. There are many coffee plantations to choose from, so check with your resort/hotel which is best to visit.
Me making coffee, photo taken by my brother
Hot springs, Mount Batur: The main reason for the day trip was to visit the volcano. It's absolutely dramatic as you can see below. If you fancy a long trip, through the lava fields at the bottom next to the lake's shore there is a hot springs resort. You can also visit tribes, the original Balinese people, whose villages are only accessible by boat and still live in the traditional manner. You can climb the volcano; apparently if you set off incredibly early, the sunrise is beautiful. So I've visited a volcano in The Philippines and one in Bali too!
Batur lake and volcano
Pura Gunung Kawi: Our final stop of the day was an an ancient temple. There are more than 300 steps down to it, but they are gradual, as it's at the bottom of a valley and you walk through rice terraces to reach it. Bisected by a river flowing through the middle, the water coming from the volcano's hot springs, the temple was carved out of the thick rock. No one knows how as they didn't have the tools to carve such hard rock; Petra and the pyramids were made from softer rock. The temple has atmosphere, a quiet serenity sure, but because a king is buried there, it is more profound. To get to that burial area, you have to take your shoes off, which my brother refused to do for some reason. Beware as you walk up to the entrance before the steps, you will be bombarded by sarong sellers. Even if you have your own, they will try and convince you that you need another!
Me at the ancient temple, photo taken by my brother
Ubud town: The area of Ubud is the cultural heart of the island, the town has a market, temples, museum, shops and a lot more besides.
Museum Puri Lukisan: We probably only visited this museum because it is where the resort shuttle bus dropped us off and picked us up from, but I can highly recommend it. For the reasonable price of a ticket, you can choose either afternoon tea or lunch, including a drink. The Balinese really like their afternoon tea, for tourists anyway; it was free at both resorts. While the coffee is good, take your own tea bags with you as they cannot do good English tea. The museum is enthused with Balinese art, from the old and traditional to the modern and traditional. It is set in pretty grounds and when we were there, a musician was playing. Look out for the huge banyan tree, with a lovely statue of a woman entwined in its roots.
My favourite Balinese painting at the museum, the birth of Hanuman
Craft villages: On the way from Ubud to Sanur, we stopped off at some craft villages. Just like the old days here with Fleet Street for publishing and Savile Row for suits, each village is dedicated to a certain craft. There are villages for woodwork, stonework, batik and silversmiths. We visited a woodworking place, where I fell in love with and bought a dragon like the one from Spirited Away and a painted gecko, and a high-class jewellers where I imagine billionaires buy gifts for their mistresses. For hand-crafted souvenirs, these villages are well worth a visit.
A wood carver
Sanur: Quieter than Seminyak, but if you've ever visited the Spanish Costa Del Sol, it will seem very familiar. It's more of a tourist trap. Our resort would have impressed, if we hadn't come from such an amazing place in Ubud. But as it is, the Segara Village Hotel resort has excellent grounds, a jacuzzi bar, an infinity pool and a family pool, several great eating places, a nice buffet breakfast and access to the beach, but the sea was polluted with rubbish so we didn't go in which was a shame. The staff were nowhere near as attentive and helpful; we had to organise our own tours and transfers, which we were spoiled by at Alila. However it was perfectly fine. If we had gone to Alila first, we would never have wanted to leave Bali, least Segara allowed us to leave with no regrets!
Me with macaws
Bali bird and reptile park: As you can see, I made a few new friends. Even though it's called Bali bird and reptile park, the animals come from all around; the bird park has areas for places nearby such as Sumatra, Java and Papua New Guinea, complete with birds of paradise. The main draw may be the Bali Starling, which you'll hear about a lot; it looks nothing like a starling, but a white bird with a striking metallic blue eye stripe. Apparently it's the most endangered bird on earth. However the park also has a komodo dragon. The walk-through aviaries get you close to the birds, but it can get a touch humid which you may find oppressive. There are lots of activities that we didn't partake of like bird shows and the 4D cinema, but they'd be great for kids. Then there's the smaller reptile park next door, but entry to both parks are included in the price of the ticket. It may seem expensive, but for such large parks with such animals, it more than warrants the money.
Me with an iguana
Tirta Gangga: We went on a trip to the east of the island just to see this palace. Thankfully my family were more than happy to go along with my plan. Tirta Gangga is a must-see. My photos don't do it justice. It's all about the gardens, though they call it a palace and it has a temple. It has to be seen to be believed. Full of ponds, fountains, picturesque bridges, lizards, dragonflies and the biggest koi carp I have ever seen, it demands attention. Cross the stepping stone lake, climb up the top for the views, or simply sit and take it in. Mind the animal man near the entrance, if he's still there, asking you to pay for the experience of holding an owl, python, fruit bat or other animals kept in boxes. It makes your heart cry out in sympathy. You can get a nice lunch in the big restaurant by the road. There's a hotel within Tirta Gangga's grounds which you may want to check out.
Tirta Gangga
Taman Ujung water palace: This is an actual palace not far from Tirta Gangga. Both palaces were destroyed by the volcano and restored. It shows with Taman Ujung. However it is worth visiting. It was the first and only time where I gave up, I put my hands up and said, "You know what sun? You win." So we didn't see much of it because it was too darn hot. It's visually impressive, but there's not much there. You can go inside the palace, but some rooms are closed and the rest empty. It's not very well decorated and everything is quite minimalist and spartan. If the heat doesn't get to you, there are many steps that lead up to what looks like a temple. It's a majestic place, but it doesn't look well looked after; the toilets are atrocious to non-existent. Who knows, in a few years it may become a major tourist attraction; it deserves to be... with some work.
Taman Ujung
Pura Goa Lawah bat cave temple: Unlike any other Balinese temple. It's darker, decorated in black and gold which looks amazing. There is a myth that a snake that lives below the surface causes the earthquakes when it's angry lives in the cave system here. We saw this temple as almost of an afterthought on the way back, quite groggy with sun and I'm so glad we did. You can not only see the bats, but also hear and smell them too. The bats are the selling point, but the rest of the temple is quite special to look at too. Mind the hawkers outside as they are very persistent and emotionally manipulative. Oh, the bats are fruit bats.
Me at the bat cave temple, photo taken by my brother
Apart from more time, of the places we didn't get to visit or things we didn't do, only three rankle. I would've loved to see the Balinese dancing, which encompasses a variety of traditional dances deeply engrossed in the mythology and features costumes and masks and is unbelievably detailed, but we kept missing out on it, the only fruit I didn't try was the pomelo a sweet grapefruit because I couldn't find one to try it, and we passed on seeing the batik craft village because it was just too much in one day. We also didn't swim with whale sharks in The Philippines as for me it would've freaked me out because it's the biggest shark in the world, ride elephants in Bali as it's hideously expensive for what it is, they get them to do tricks and it wouldn't feel right, or go to any of the monkey forests as we had wilder monkeys going through our resort every day. Nor did we go to the temple at Uluwatu in Bali as it's just become too touristy, but it's a real event at sunset. Be aware of monkeys, particularly at Uluwatu. You can see why in the video below, from Chris Packham's BBC programme World's Sneakiest Animals:
So that was my holiday! Thanks for reading, you who have made it all the way to the end!
This is a chronicle of how I came to make my first presentation outside work and what happened when I did. It was for JIBS, now called SERIF, at their event on the 26th of February all about the future of ebooks.
First, the day; I'll start with the most interesting part and you can choose to read on if you're interested in my history with ebooks. You may have read my articles in CILIP Update already, but I've included them here in case. I'm not a comfortable speaker at the best of times, my brain goes too fast for my mouth and I'm much more articulate writing, but I do teaching sessions as part of my job, so it wasn't new to me and my presentation went as well as could be. I had my power dress on, the one I always wear if I can when teaching; it makes me feel confident. I don't like London and taking public transport, though I love trains, but everything went swimmingly, couldn't have gone better, that goes for everything all day. The venue was the UCL's Student Venue and it's a great place, with a swimming pool, bar and a library that's like no library I've ever been to with music and a table football table. I had a bad cold, one that had been lingering for weeks and I was worried my voice wasn't going to last the day, living off Airwaves so I could breathe and Strepsils so I could swallow without pain and to save my voice. I needn't have worried, though I was quite croaky on the way home, debriefing with Jayne, the ebooks administrator who came with me and who runs ebooks@cambridge.
There were talks from two publishers and two information professionals providing etextbooks and then there was me. I had severe imposter syndrome as Nic, the first publisher, has been working with ebooks for a long time and showed us the history of ebooks; Liz, the second publisher, really got down into the specifics of ebooks and how to create them; the two information professionals talked about how they're delivering etextbooks, Tif in a very assertive way working with the publishers and Catherine from the project perspective. Much of what I was going to say was covered by Tif and Catherine, but I told myself that I was coming from a different point of view and was going to say it in a different way, even if Catherine did use the same image as me on one of her slides (for the future, great minds think alike!) and Tif the same quote as the title of my dissertation. But as someone said to me, it's good to reiterate these things as it drives the point home and I certainly felt part of something at the end of the day; it's good to know everyone feels the same way about ebooks, it's comforting.
All the speakers were brilliant either in their content or delivery or both. You can see all the presentations on the JIBS website. Yes, I had the final slot of the day, but it was inspired as my presentation seemed to be a summary of all that had gone on before. My presentation is up on Slideshare, so you may want to look at it before you read on.
When I was asked to talk about the future of ebooks, I immediately thought about the past, I'm contrary like that. So I used history as my hook, my theme. It was basically a case study of our experiences, here at the Judge, but also as a university. The core ideas running through my presentation were: it's about choice, not forcing people to use ebooks but giving them the opportunity to use them as personally, I don't use ebooks but when forced to I have done as that was the only option available and I resented the fact I didn't have the choice as I'm a book lover, the feel of them, the scent of them, new books and old, and the look of them, but I know how useful they are to our students and value the importance of them in academia; that we're stuck in the present while also being in all time periods at once with ebooks: no ebooks, basic ebooks and ebooks tied to print; the unrealised potential of ebooks, this TED video from 2011 being a case in point. It's 5 years old now! I also had a little moan about things from us librarians' perspectives, from the publisher Pearson, the blame culture which persists us blaming publishers and publishers blaming us which doesn't get us anywhere and how we need to work together with publishers, between us and with faculty especially with reading lists, but overall about the lack of consistency.
So to my talk. It went by in a blur, but the moments leading up to it seemed to go on forever. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty and I couldn't remember what I was going to say. I suffer from anxiety, but I won't go into details as I've written about it in the past, on this blog too. Being the last person to speak on the day didn't help matters. For this reason, I had written prompt cards, but I didn't need them in the end. As soon as I saw my first slide, I was alright and all the symptoms faded into the background. Everyone laughed in the right places and got all the jokes, even the in-jokes I thought they wouldn't. There were nods of familiarity, they reacted to my questions and pauses for thought and even the slightly controversial bit I put in, deliberately in case no one was engaged, went over well. Some people even agreed with me that ebooks should cost more than print; Elizabeth, the JIBS chair, asked that exact question at the end to gauge opinion. My reasoning is that ebooks have more functions than print, and what I wanted to say, but didn't have time to, but someone helpfully commented afterwards, that some ebooks are the equivalent of more than one printed book, allowing more than one person to use them at a time so should be priced accordingly. So thank you, that man!
By far the most popular slide, as it was tweeted the most, was this one:
Jurassic ebooks
However the blue screen of death slide also got a good reaction, as well as the dark ages slide which was all black until the light bulbs appeared. I've made a Storify of my presentation, collating all the tweets about it.
There was a tea break straight after my talk and I had lot of people coming up to me, yes chatting to me and asking questions, but also to think at me. What I wanted to do and succeeded in doing beyond all my wildest expectations was to inspire and provoke thought, and judging by the stream of consciousness I provoked in quite a few people who wouldn't let me get in a word in edgeways even though they were talking to me, I definitely achieved that.
I wasn't nervous about the panel discussion at the end, mainly because there were other people with me who I could pass on to, and I did once as I didn't have anything to add to what had been said, agreed with the previous person and passed the microphone on! What surprised me, though it may have been just because I had done my talk just before, was that when answering the audience's questions, the other speakers referred back to what I said in my presentation, more than once. It was very gratifying and more than a little bit flattering. My imposter syndrome disappeared for good after that! The event ended and I was one of the last to leave because people still wanted to talk to me. I also got invited to do a presentation on ebooks for a CILIP event in Brighton, though I'm not sure anything will come of it, but it was nice to be asked. When I said I would have to think up another theme, she said there's no need, just do the exact same presentation! Like all events and conferences, it was a great networking opportunity.
Anyway, enough ego-boosting. Here is how I came to be mixed up in the crazy world of ebooks. I have been at my current job as an Information and Library Assistant at Cambridge Judge Business School, part of the University of Cambridge, for seven years now. In my first year, I was given the task by my manager of investigating an ebook platform: Dawsonera. I purchased a core collection of ebooks and have been administering them ever since. I quickly realised how important ebooks were for our students, allowing them access to the text when all the printed books were unavailable, but particularly for our distance learners. So when I did my library degree, it was only natural to write my dissertation on ebooks, which is now on academia.edu for you to read. I used a Stephen Fry quote as my title: "Books are no more threatened by Kindle, than stairs by elevators." Instead of concentrating on the user, I analysed the key people who ensure ebooks are used in the first place: suppliers, us librarians and faculty.
Rather than let all my research go to waste, I was urged to get it published. So I contacted CILIP Update and they were happy to publish it. The first one was made into a blog post, but I include all of the articles here. I want to thank Rachel Middleton, the editor of CILIP Update, who has allowed me to publish them freely on my blog and my LinkedIn page and commissioned the articles in the first place. Upon hearing my topic, she said it was too much for one article so we decided on a series of what became the four articles:
I have had a lot of good feedback about my articles as I tried to make them both entertaining and informative. Some of the comments I've had via email have mainly been about the quality of my writing, being an English graduate, a creative writer and an avid reader, I should hope so! "thank you for your succinct and well thought-out article...very readable and well-reasoned." There were some people who loved my geeky references: "it's a rare and treasured article in Update that has me laugh the smug laugh of the geek who got the reference." "The puns! The references! Your knowledge of and engagement with ebooks... this [article] proved to be a wonderful surprise with its humour and confidence." I believe in the power of the analogy as a good theme makes what you're saying more memorable and therefore it will sink in more. Twitter has been a great place for feedback too: "just read this article - lot of fun! (as well as informative). The force of ebooks has truly awoken." My favourite comment has to be this: "It was an invigorating read, and has made me want to learn more on the subject. Mission achieved." Off the back of those articles, I was asked to speak at the event. I didn't want to replicate the articles and simply present them, so I came up with a new theme. So that's you all up to date. A last word on ebooks, from Douglas Adams who arguably created the most famous ebook, albeit fictional:
I always think of this quote when dealing with a problem with ebooks as I believe ebooks were adopted too early; the technology wasn't ready yet, the suppliers weren't ready and we weren't ready to receive them. Now, what do you think?
As much as I love films, reviewing them made me lose the enjoyment of watching them and having to go to the cinema to see films I didn't necessarily want to see started to grate. Plus I always took it personally when people didn't like my reviews and reviewers have more power than they know: the power to influence whether someone goes to see a film or not. People can forget that film critics are people with opinions and that's all a review is, one person's opinion. That's why I try to include facts in my reviews, to make my writing less subjective, like with the Miss Potter one above. I think the final straw was Superhero Movie. I no longer go to the cinema unless it's for a film I really want to see, which is only a few times each year, rather than at least 3 times a month. I still blame Bums on Seats for getting me into Twilight, though reading the books, practically devouring them in one sitting, made me disgusted with it. But I learned a lot reviewing, especially on the radio show, and my life is more insular now as I'm not seeing films I might otherwise have passed by; the films I watch are much less broad now. The reviewing did wonders for my confidence, my writing and for my world view.
My fictional library website
My film geekery lead me to take film studies modules at university; I wrote a piece on the trend for making sequels that is as true today as it was when I wrote it. I created a website for my Librarianship degree for a fictional geeky library. It's still up and running! I called it the Abrams' Library after the creator of my favourite TV series Alias, who's done rather well for himself since and proved his geek credentials by directing both the new Star Trek films and the new Star Wars. And my Pinterest page is pretty much taken up by my love of films, TV and books.
My Pinterest page
So it takes a special film to make me want to review it, a film that really means something to me. Jersey Boyswas the first in many years and Inside Out is the next film and surely won't be the last.
I must admit, I'm an out and out Disney fan and by extension a Pixar fan. I grew up with Disney; I have only just finished converting my Disney VHS collection to DVD, having received a Disney film each Christmas as a kid from one of my aunties. However this is going to be an objective review, not biased by sentiment. However Disney and Pixar have always been at the top of the animation game, really only rivalled by Studio Ghibli in terms of quality and quantity. Their output has relatively recently veered away from the princesses and fairytales, Brave being a notable exception but Merida is not your typical Disney princess. Toy Story may have started it all, through talking animals, monsters, superheroes and cars. However it was with the space saga Wall-E, a tale of two robots and with an environmental lesson as its theme, that the animation studio started to do something different. It continued with the left of field Up with an old man as its central character. But even by these standards, Inside Out is different.
The Numskulls. Credit: The Beano
When I first heard about it, I was intrigued. I loved the idea of a film which personified emotions and showed the workings of the mind. The premise of human-like creatures controlling us inside our bodies reminded me of The Numskulls, comic characters that feature in The Beano. But where The Numskulls control us physically, Inside Out concentrates on how emotions control us and how the mind works. So even if they did take The Numskulls as inspiration, though The Numskulls writers have said it bares a mere passing resemblance and suggested so in a special cartoon (shown above), they have done something completely different with the idea.
Inside Out may be a kid's film and a Disney Pixar one at that, but there is so much going on, so many references and you can take it on so many levels, I could write an essay on this film. I expect university students will write theses on it in years to come. But I won't, I just want to say why it made such an impression on me. And now it's out on DVD and I've seen it for a second time, I thought it was the right moment.
Inside Out
As with all Disney and Pixar films, Inside Out is for people of all ages, from the youngest, to the eldest. Everyone will see something different in it. But a child could watch it year on year and get something new out of it as they get older; it shows how we change as we grow up. I hope they don't do a sequel with Riley as a teenager, though the short that's on the DVD is great.
The film has a very slight plot and is essentially about how moving house affects a young girl: Riley. Inside Out shows how the five main emotions that rule her head determine her actions: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. When Joy and Sadness are accidentally ejected from Riley's control room along with the core memories that define her personality, they go on a journey through her mind to return to save Riley from being overtaken by her fear, anger and disgust.
Imagination Land
For children, a lot of the film will go over their heads, but they'll love the vibrant colours, Bing Bong and the other characters. For older kids though, it will help them understand how emotions work, control you and how they act together. It helped me and I've done a lot of self-analysis over the years! Inside Out has been adopted by mental health experts, sufferers and charities as a way to explain mental illness. It has helped children to understand their mental problems and parents to explain to their children theirs. This is a brilliant thing. The film was created as a way for the writers to explore the changes their children were going through to become teenagers. I think it was such a hit because Americans loved it as they're used to therapy, for our less self-analytical nation it has impact, but in a more subtle way.
Inside Out is really inventive and detailed, showing you the train of thought, imagination, long-term memory and even abstract thought, excelling at showing you how memories can change, how by remembering things later in life it can colour the memory, particularly with sadness; nostalgia literally means homecoming pain or ache. Memories are really what this film is all about. What happens to our memories as we get older. The story of Bing Bong, the childhood imaginary friend is heartbreaking.
Bing Bong
I think it hit me hard thanks to my years of anxiety and I wish they had showed less of Joy and Sadness and more of the others, especially Fear. The only other way they could have improved it is by doing more of what they showed during the credits and during the stand-out scene at the dinner table, inside others' heads and not just Riley's. But the bittersweet ending is wonderful.
Basically, I urge everyone to see it and you'll probably get something different out of it to me!
This blog post has been 15 years in the making, almost half my lifetime. If you're thinking we didn't really have the internet and blogs back then, you'd be right. It's not that I've been writing this post since then, but the events detailed here have taken this long.
Trust me I'm a doctor
If you take two things from this post, morals if you will, they are these: never taken a doctor's word as gospel and the things you thought you knew change on you. This post will be of interest to anyone who feels disappointed, short-changed or unsure after an appointment with a doctor. I too often accepted a diagnosis from a doctor, even when it didn't feel right. I have a problem with authority figures, underneath I see them as humans, just as fallible as the rest of us, but I always quail before them. Carefully rehearsed speeches go out the window when I enter their office. So I quietly defy them in that I do my research afterwards and thank goodness for that or I wouldn't be where I am today. The registrar wrote me off yesterday; it was my last appointment with him and I'm now in the hands of the physios. In the nicest possible way, he hopes to never see me again and I couldn't agree more. My Mum got a bit teary as this has been years in coming and she praised me for sticking with it, holding my ground and forcing the doctors' hands. I just see it as coming down to a mixture of desperation and stubbornness, but there must have been some self-belief in there too. The victory is bittersweet for me because of the time it's taken, the toll it's taken and the things I've missed out on because of it. But finally, it's at an end. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.
One word of warning: I've always been open and honest about things, so here's me being open and honest about my health and if it helps one person either understand me or themselves better, then this post has done its job. So if you ever wondered about me, my clumsiness, vagueness and my anxiety, or your own clumsiness and dizziness, then read on.
Have you ever felt dizzy with no apparent cause? Does vertigo plague your life that can't be put down to anything else? Do you get anxious for no particular reason? That's been my life ever since I was 16, when I started to have attacks of vertigo that came out of the blue, that incapacitated me so I can't lie down without making it worse, I can't walk in a straight line and I can only find one position when the room isn't spinning: half sitting and half lying down in a weird position. These attacks steadily got worse and more frequent. They lasted one or two days and knocked my energy for longer. A common misconception is that vertigo is the fear of heights, but that's acrophobia. Vertigo is one of the symptoms of acrophobia, like when you look down at the world far below and everything starts spinning, that's vertigo. It feels like a combination of being drunk without the good bits and the worst hangover of your life. Some car journeys, especially those along winding country roads, can feel like a rollercoaster. General day to day life is made harder, particularly with concentration levels and my energy is sapped quicker.
Vertigo
Over the years, I've been diagnosed with many different things, as the symptoms got worse. First a GP diagnosed me with labyrinthitis and was given tablets, but when I went to see a specialist, they told me it couldn't be labyrinthitis because the vertigo didn't last long enough. Then I got diagnosed with migraines, but the next specialist palmed me off with tablets which gave me distressing side effects. So I stopped taking them, plus I didn't think it was migraines as I didn't get headaches or any other symptoms apart from the vertigo. Then after a particularly bad bout, I was told it was Menieres and that there was nothing that could be done. I couldn't accept that and researched it. I'm stubborn and curious, a bad combination most of the time but not with this and it was just as well I am. One of the firm symptoms is hearing loss, so I went and got a hearing test. You can get a test done for free from Boots, but you have to pay for a copy of the results. So I went back to the doctor, again being referred by my GP and was told it couldn't be Menieres as I would have hearing loss if I was experiencing vertigo. My hearing is actually better than average and one good thing that has come out of this protracted diagnosis is I've discovered why I am so acutely sensitive to high pitched sounds like cutlery, because I hear it louder! The amount of doctors I've seen, pills I've taken and shouldn't have and diagnoses I've been given is depressing. Anyway, after a few simple balance tests last November, I received the diagnosis I had been waiting for: a correct diagnosis at last. I have vestibular damage to my right balance organ.
No one knows why it happened; it could've been a blow to the head, lack of blood flow or a virus, which is the most probable. But suddenly my life made sense, why I'm clumsy and am always bumping into things, why I can't walk in a straight line in the dark, why I have difficulty travelling and always get car sick. The attacks of vertigo over the years were the organ gradually degrading. It was a confusing but enlightening time for me. I was a gymnast, I've even got a certificate to prove I could do a cartwheel across a beam, so why did I suddenly have no balance? As the attacks of vertigo only happened once in a blue moon, I never connected the two until much later.
Blue moon
However after this epiphany moment, I received no more help; I just had to live with it. The only suggestion was to exercise, maybe do some martial arts. I exercise every day and I tried to do some martial arts, but it was impossible, because I couldn't balance. But like the passive, non-confrontational and introverted person I am, I let it slide and just carried on regardless. Until a heavy head cold knocked me sideways and I had to go on heavy duty motion sickness medication to even function. I wasn't going to take medication if I could help it, so I forced an appointment with a specialist and finally found a doctor who not only listened to me, but gave me time. He was as determined as I was to get to the bottom of it. From this point on, I couldn't fault Addenbrooke's Hospital or the NHS; they have been brilliant. After years of suffering, just living with it and getting on with things, I've finally been told the definitive cause, well, two causes: BPPV and a damaged balance organ on the right-hand side. The BPPV is easily fixed though.
BPPV stands for Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. It's basically where calcium deposits in the brain are dislodged and float around where they shouldn't be. The fix is a series of nauseating and mildly painful head manoeuvres to move them back. BPPV causes positional vertigo, which means vertigo if you look up or down, or hold your head in a certain way and if you roll over, or if you do anything with your head too quickly. It blighted my sleep as I toss and turn a lot in bed. So whenever I rolled over from left to right, I'd wake up or sleep more shallowly because of the vertigo. to be fair to the doctors, mine was very subtle and it's not surprising that they missed the eye movements that they look for by hanging my head over the edge of a bed.
They did quite a few tests, including an MRI of my head to rule out anything sinister, pumping my ears with water which was horrible, tracking my eye movements with funky knightrider glasses and balance tests. As for the damaged balance organ, it is very weak and may yet get worse, nothing is certain with this. I've lost 77% and it means I'm permanently off kilter and unbalanced. This may seem very very bad, but apparently like you can live with just one kidney or just one lung, you can live with just one balance organ. You just have to retrain your brain and reset your balance. So I'm seeing a physio and hopefully I will have my equilibrium back. My body grounding itself and my sight, they are as much balance organs as the balance organ. I know everyone gets motion sickness to some degree, anyone who has tried to navigate around their own house in the dark or rides rollercoasters for instance, knows what I'm talking about. My body gets royally confused and takes ages to reset itself. The symptoms may wear off for you after 10 minutes or so, but for me, it could be days. After long car journeys, I've lost a day before due to not being able to sleep because even with the light on, the room starts spinning the second I close my eyes and with no sleep, the next day is shot. Your balance comes from three things: your eyes and brain, your body and your balance organs. With one of them out of action, I only have my eyes and body. When either of those are compromised, I'm screwed. So if it's dark, if there's a disconnect between my body and eyes like when I'm travelling or even in crowds and everything is moving so fast around me, that's why I get the vertigo.
Here's a rollercoaster I can't believe I went on: the Dragon Khan at Portaventura, Barcelona
Lastly, I've written about this before, written about it on this blog before, but for the same amount of time as I've been living with vertigo, I've been living with anxiety and panic attacks. I always thought that the vertigo was a symptom of my anxiety and it can be. But it turns out, while it doesn't help as hyperventilation and irregular breathing can make your head swim, tense your body up and cause dizziness, the anxiety can also easily simply be a symptom of my balance problems. If the world feels off kilter, if you're permanently off balance, if you have no equilibrium, then of course you're going to feel anxious. And anything that exacerbates the symptoms would make you feel anxious, like public speaking when you have stand up for a while, often higher up than everyone else, like travelling and like socialising. I always thought that the anxiety caused my physical symptoms, racing heart rate, sweating and yes dizziness, but it seems too much of a coincidence as the anxiety and vertigo attacks started around the same time, that they are completely connected. My anxiety has a physical cause and if I can get my equilibrium back, maybe I can live anxiety-free. But that's a false hope as it's been too long and my body has got used to being anxious. If I get stressed or excited, by going on a rollercoaster for instance, which I wouldn't do anymore anyway because of my balance problems, but I would get the same symptoms as anxiety and it would bring on a panic attack as the increased adrenaline is now a signal that my body takes to induce a panic attack. So there are certain things I have to be careful of doing now. I even had to leave Centre Court at Wimbledon when I was there for the London 2012 Olympics because the excitement at just being at a place I had longed to go to ever since I was a kid became too much and it induced a panic attack. Stupid, right?
Me at Wimbledon Centre Court
My body has been doing a good job over the years of compensating, of living with the low grade nausea, of the world whirling around me. It never ceases to amaze me how adaptable the body is. But it also means I have many habits to break that I have built up over the years to cope with it all, some may be too ingrained to change, but we'll see. The physio has already identified a few bodily and posture problems. She has given me the exercises to reorientate myself, to allow my brain to get used to having only one balance organ. It's the only treatment. But she's also given me exercises to help realign my knees. I felt like a fraud in the gym at the hospital as there was a guy in there with an obvious brain injury just trying to get his limbs moving again, so I have him in mind the next time I feel too tired and want to shirk doing my exercises. I have a long body and short legs and I hunch over, not from being lazy, but because I'm trying to lower my centre of gravity to help me balance, or at least that's what I tell my Mum now after her years of nagging me to sit up straight! I also can't stand up for too long and when I do, I put my knees together for support, I even cycle like that. This has weakened my knees and I could start having problems in 10-15 years and even with my hips if I keep cycling the way I do. The impact that this has had on my body and mind is incredible. It will be interesting to see which things are genuine causes of anxiety and which are generated by the vertigo. It will be a journey of discovery, but one I'm more than happy to embark on. I'm determined to get over the anxiety if I can, to sit up straighter and to live my life more. Battling the balance problems took a lot of energy, so here's hoping I have more to play with! Most importantly, I have an answer, a reason and explanation for something that blighted my life for far too long and this bittersweet victory is all mine. I can change.
If any of this seems vaguely familiar to you, any of the symptoms, then read on.
BPPV symptoms
Does your Mum always tell you off for not sitting up straight? It may not be laziness, but because it isn't comfortable dizziness-wise. Having your head at a weird angle may help and you may be doing it unconsciously like I have.
Have you always thought you have low blood pressure, even though you've had it checked and it was fine? Do you find it difficult to stand up for too long, feel dizzy after standing or sitting up too quickly and get head rushes? This may be BPPV because sudden head movements or prolonged time with your head at a certain angle can cause dizziness. You can imagine what it was like working at a computer for me. My concentration was shot!
Did you used to be a heavy sleeper, turned into a shallow sleeper and then a very light sleeper? It could be down to rolling around, tossing and turning in bed at night. This might be due to stress sure, but it could also be rolling from right to left or left to right, depending on what side these damn crystals are at. I used to wake up with vertigo, with my covers off the bed or tangled up because of it.
Vestibular damage symptoms
Do you dislike travelling, not seeing new places or holidays, just because of the travelling part? Not for the usual reasons of the time it takes, airport angst, fear of flying, traffic jams, motorways and sea sickness? When the plane banks, does it feel like you're going to pass out? Can you not look out of the side windows of a car without feeling dizzy, even on the shortest of journeys? Do busy places make you feel anxious? Anything going at speed around you, whether it's when you're on a train or in a car or people walking fast around you, anything that confuses what speed you're actually moving at can bring it on.
Have you never particularly liked theme parks or rollercoasters? Going upside down is the worst thing you can do for balance and to disrupt BPPV as well, for obvious reasons.
Have you never liked, not enclosed places or due to claustrophobia, just places you can't get out of easily like planes, lifts and caves? Banking in planes makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. Lifts make me anxious. Caves are usually dark so see below.
Are you scared of the dark, or did you not get over your childhood fear of the dark until later in life? For me it was my 20s, was this why? No light means I have no means to orientate myself. The balance organ is the only thing you can rely on in the dark and mine is compromised.
Are you clumsy, always bumping into things, falling off curbs, up stairs...? Do you have to look straight ahead when walking, can you not look down or up or side to side? I can't count how many times I've injured myself or sprained my ankle because I haven't kept my head on an even keel, I've been looking at something up in the sky, behind or around me. Of course, again, bad things happen when you're not concentrating or concentrating on something other than walking, but you don't get dizzy generally.
Are you teetotal or near enough? I never really got into alcohol, apart from a brief misguided time as a 16-17 year old. Was it because the vertigo attacks were like being drunk, but without the nice bits? Why would I induce that, make it worse?
Question these symptoms and see what you come back with. You'd be surprised how many of us are wandering around with damaged vestibular organs and/or BPPV.
Most things are ephemeral, everyone knows that. However it doesn't mean we're any the less sad when things come to an end. The knowledge that almost nothing ever lasts forever doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. Recently there have been several significant goodbyes for me. I really wished it could be Christmas every day this new year.
There are always goodbyes at Christmas. When family and friends get together, people that haven't seen each other for a while, especially in my case when some of the family live abroad, there will be hard goodbyes. Even though we had been on holiday together earlier in the year and the goodbye then was difficult and emotional, the goodbye at Christmas, actually on New Year's Eve, was worse. It should have been easier as they were back and forth visiting people and we didn't seen them as much as before. But you never get used to saying goodbye. It should never be a casual thing.
Christmas meal
Christmas always makes things seem more significant: it's the traditions, presents, decorations, family meals, but mostly the time off from everyday life. It may only be a few days in actual time, but in quality time, nothing beats Christmas; it makes everything seem deeper, more profound, loaded: heavy.
Back to the Future, good Christmas film and good use of the word "heavy"
As if saying goodbye to all that wasn't bad enough, what made it worse was seeing my nephews together, with two nieces on the way, two big meals with all 10 of us and a couple of evenings when it really felt like we were one big happy family again. It all made me look back in a nostalgic way. I can still remember being a little kid at big family gatherings, playing with my cousins, my aunts and uncles around. Now I'm one of those aunts. I never thought it would happen. I love being an Auntie, don't get me wrong, but I feel more like a kid than an auntie. I kept thinking of a song lyric: "If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all. And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before." Yes, but in a different role, or torn between two roles: a child and a grown-up.
I guess I just don't want anything to change. Yet it does anyway. Time marches on. Living is easy with eyes closed. So now, after sitting in the cinema last night, listening to Billy Boyd singing as the credits rolled, an era of my life came to an end. I know now how the Star Wars generation felt after Return of the Jedi, how they must have felt after Revenge of the Sith, except The Hobbit films were infinitely better and not a major disappointment. They also came nine years on and not 16 years on.
The moment that caused the panic attack
I know I lay greater significance on Lord of the Rings than it really deserves due to my emotional connection to it; it symbolises my progression after coming through mental illness as I had my worst panic attack while watching the Fellowshipof the Ring in the cinema. The films came out during an impressionable time for me. I was seventeen, school had ended and my life was transforming around me, giving me independence, independence I couldn't handle; life was being forced upon me. It was all a great big scary adventure and I empathised with Frodo leaving his safe and comfortable existence and going out into the big dark world. Now the film series has come to an end, when I'm more secure. My life has changed radically from the first Lord of the Rings to the last Hobbit film. I believe I'm quite valid in mourning the end.
Boromir dies
It wasn't like after the last Lord of the Rings film; I was film savvy enough then to realise they would be making The Hobbit. But because of various rights battles, including between the movie studios New Line and MGM, Guillermo Del Toro bowing out and the time it takes to make a Tolkien/Peter Jackson masterpiece, it took longer than expected. But there was always the possibility.
Sitting in the cinema yesterday, it came upon me that this would almost definitely be the last time I would see a new Tolkien film in the cinema. Billy Boyd singing didn't help matters, bringing to mind THAT moment when he sang before, which inspired the title of this blog post and the soundtrack to Faramir's sacrificial charge. I cried in the cinema after Return of the King for Frodo when he sailed from the Grey Havens. I cried for the characters then. This time I cried for me. I cried for the end of an era. I cried for the film series I grew up alongside. I cried for the person I used to be and for the person I am today. I cried for the past. I cried for the future. I didn't weep. Tears were not even shed; I held them back, just. I wish I could have cried instead of crying inside. But I was in a public place and we had to get home. I just had a moment to myself, to mourn. The quality of the film itself ultimately didn't matter, though it was excellent, but like The Lord of the Rings, I preferred the more innocent first of the series; it was what it signified.
Lastly and least importantly, I lost a friend over Christmas: Miranda. Much has been said in criticism about this TV series and I would be the first to admit that the last ever episode wasn't the best. But I have stuck by her from the first hello, through the highs of the therapist episode right until her inevitable wedding. I empathised with all her social faux-pas, potent awkwardness and lack of confidence. In short, as with all Miranda's fans, I saw a lot of myself in her, especially in the struggle to be herself which it ultimately came down to. And despite the silliness, the unreality and flaws of the episode, it was seeing Miranda finally grow up a little, become more independent and gain some self-esteem that moved me. It was a lovely and lovingly crafted goodbye, with a nod to the viewers. So so long to Customer, Clive, Mike, Chris, Alison, the therapist, Charlie, Tilly, Penny, Stevie, Gary and Miranda. I for one will miss you.
Finally, to sum up, I'm turning to Doctor Who, whichhas been all shades of wrong recently, right from when Steven Moffat took over, especially in the way the latest Doctor is treating humanity; he used to see us as equals, sacrificing himself for Wilfred in the end; now he sees us as something to look down on, patronising and superior. Anyway, the Christmas episode got one thing right. Christmas should be treated like it's your last; a silent goodbye runs through the holiday, never spoken, until the last day of course. Christmas is special like that. Appreciate and spend time with your loved ones as you don't know what next Christmas will bring.
Well, all these goodbyes are in the spirit of Auld Lang Syne and it's an appropriate way to begin a new year. Here's to 2015 and to last goodbyes.
"Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a, a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and, and, and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a... it, uh, it has no... no texture, no, no context. It's, it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly." Rupert Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
